• I can't explain how beyond lucky and greatful I am to have him in my life ❤ He keeps me sane but doesn't realize it. He makes me smile on days I just want to cry and be alone. Never fails to make me laugh. Thank youuu for everything love, you're amazingly perfect ❤💘❤ • #mcm #apperciationpost #iheartyou

Fast forward a year later. My boyfriend and I aren't together any more. I was in rehab, I'm looking for work, been in and out of hospitals. And now I'm with someone new. I act like I'm fine which I am but I feel dead. I just live each day by day. I must have a thing with writing at 2am :P

i often have a hard time telling people how i feel. when i see my therapist, i don’t even tell her the whole truth of how i’m feeling. i wish i could be open with people and say exactly what i am feeling and how i am doing. but if i do that then will they judge me? yes, i over think too often. my mind is on auto mood of not being able to think for its self. i dont even make sense anymore. im sitting here in my boyfriends room on his computer at 2:40am, writing this and not making sense. no one is even reading these. I write these to help my own mind. i write these in hope no one will ever read them. but then i wish people would, to ask if im okay or to just follow along on my crazy life and overthinking self. im not making sense, so i shall go.

I act like I'm fine. deep down I can't stop thinking of killing myself and ending this life. yes, it sounds selfish but I can't fucking stop thinking about it. it's like my mental state overtakes every inch of me. I'm not strong. people say I am but they haven't seen me slice my wrists open, they haven't seen me shove a bottle of painkillers and meds down my throat. they haven't seen me break down and start screaming and throwing things. they haven't seen me at my lowest...wanting to end it all. don't you fucking tell me I'm strong, when you haven't seen me lying in a pool of my own blood. just don't fucking do it. I'm not and never well be.

I've gotten to the point again of not caring about anything. I want to die. if I was walking across the road and a car was coming, lets say I wouldn't get out of the way. if I got into a car accident, lets say I wouldn't want to be taken to the hospital. if someone gave me the wrong amount of meds, lets say I wouldn't mind if I didn't wake up in the morning. lets just say I don't care if I die. I'm ready to leave this world forever...

I'm becoming numb...I thought I was past that. I thought I over came it. apparently not. I'm numb...it's like my emotions are numb. I'm angry at things I have no control over. im afraid that I'll give up on life. I took too many pills the other night, passed out and didn't remember anything, woke up the next day feeling sick and wish I was dead but hey here I am. no one knows how many times I've wanted to die or tried...I'm getting better at this fakeness...again. idk what to do with life. everything is the same day in and day out. I'm driving myself crazy. it's like I'm better but not. it's like I'm lying to myself. sigh

I fell for you, I hate to admit but I believe you were the first person I fell in love with. it's a strange thing because you weren't even mine. it wasn't supposed to turn out like this. I hid it for so long, in hopes no one would find out. idk where I went wrong. idk what I did. we were such good friends. you were becoming such a big part in my life and next thing I know, it's like we both are none existent to each other. it's like you've died but you're still living on this planet. It fucking hurts. you promised to always fucking be here and never leave. where are you now? where have you been when I've wanted to die? if I died you wouldn't even know. I fucking miss you. why can't you just be back in my life....I love you

I can't handle this thing called life anymore. people have seen me get to my lowest point but they think I'm doing "better". in reality I'm not. I'm just getting better at faking it. I'm getting better at hiding my emotions and feelings. I've become a robot to everything around me. I can't handle hating myself everyday. I can't handle living this life anymore. but then I can't give up either. I can't give up because I am trying to fight for the people that ended their lifes all too soon. I'm fighting for my friends. I'm fighting to keep you alive. and that alone is enough for me to stay alive. even if I'm not fighting for myself but fighting for you. that's okay.

so many times I’m not happy I’m alive and want to end it all there. but in the end even tho this life isn’t easy, I’m grateful to be alive. maybe I’m not frighting for myself but I’m staying alive for other people and that is enough to just be here on earth

I doubt us a lot…our relationship. I mean gosh I have every right to. you’re gone for months at a time. I’m already done with fucking 2016 but I’m not going to just give up on us. I almost did the other night. I almost have so many times because I’m dealing with crap and you aren’t here but i guess you can’t really do much about anything.

he gave his time to talk with this broken girl. that time he’ll never get back in all his years. she wanted to die and he stayed up with her to make sure she wouldn’t take her life. that’s more then her boyfriend would do. so here’s to you ❤️