I think lots about my relationship with art. as a child I loved it. i slowed down my pace with creation and then fully "quit" art in middle school. quitting was in direct relation to the yearbook cover contest. i had this idea in my head and when I drew it... it just came out awful. not at all how I envisioned it. I still submitted it, and when I got voted second, which as I recall was quite surprising to me, I was still incredibly disappointed. it felt like all the confirmation I needed to quit. i didn't make any kind of art again for years besides homework. quickly after my adulthood came so did an intense urge to express myself. i believe it was thanks to my very repressed and lonely upbringing, artmaking felt not only therapeutic but also necessary. like I couldn't move on without creating. for almost 10 years creating had nothing to do with learning the basics and everything to do with fucking around with diff mediums and supplies until I felt I made something which represented part of me or something within me. i just wanted to live, desperately, so I wasn't afraid of expression. and since I was poor and a California resident I was given the opportunity to go to community college and university both for free. after switching my major a couple times I chose art. this is when I kinda got an idea of what art means to (some) others, and it was entirely different from what art meant to me. using art in this purely expressive way, although i believe it to be very rudimentary and human, it is not something really taught but something you have to find within yourself, if you are able and willing. to be honest in recent years it doesn't even feel as easy for me to be that type of artist anymore even though it's my own philosophy. but back in uni especially it was really bizarre to me how many people loved the idea of art and artist more than the idea of self expression. I'm not trying to toot my own horn, bc I've always known I lacked traditional skills, but the one place I had confidence was my relationship with art. during critiques I was a bit irritated when people pondered how to "come up with ideas" or "find their style." i felt, well, any dummy could do that.. your art and style reveal themselves in time. but now my life swung a bit back to how it was in middle school. i see again how easy it is to become detached and repressed. to have an aversion to vulnerability.. it is really not a mindset I find compatible with expressive art making. of course I am not giving up again! ive just been quite a bit more timid and judgemental to myself. i actually used this shift of mindset to widen my scope, finally learning a bit more basics. but from time to time still force myself to purely express. well, I urge us all to regularly let art/expression guide us and not the other way around. the world becomes a much more interesting place
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