sweet tooth

THOMAS: ??? 

THOMAS: What the...?

THOMAS: Oh wait! I totally forgot I nngh- AH SHIT- made an ask blog! 

THOMAS: I really like the series! It’s a horror-romance rpg. Kissy Kissy, Bang Bang! IV is supposed to be the most intense game in the franchise.

THOMAS: In the newest game, you play as Yuki Yamamoto, bi-gender dumbass who is in love with this guy named Kenneth Miller- but someone else is in love with Kenneth and that someone kidnaps you and locks you in her cabin out in the middle of the woods with like three- shit- three other characters and you have to escape before she catches you! I don’t know the full story since the game just- ah SHIT- came out, but it’s my favorite game franchise.

THOMAS: It’s the first game they’ve released with an LGBT+ protagonist, and the youtubers and game reviewers who- SHITBALLS- got it pre-release said it was really inclusive and awesome! Sadly... I will not be able to purchase it though :(

THOMAS: And yes, I do happen to play video games a lot. Usually horror games, but I own all the Viva Piñata games, I have Minecraft so I can- (squeak) - COCK- play it with my brother, and Overwatch. I’m a Junkrat main!

THOMAS: Anyways... Hey, I have an ask blog and they’re wondering how your day at the mall has been!

TWEEK: DKJSGKFDSJN OH SHIT THEY CAN SEE US? ABSKJDF AAAGH- HOW DOES THAT WORK MAN?! OH GOD HAVE THEY BEEN WATCHING ME THIS ENTIRE TIME? SHIT SHIT SH-

THOMAS: No... They haven’t, Tweek. I think the blog just started working right before I came in here- shit! And I think it only follows me around.

TWEEK: mMMM... Alright I believe you, Thomas...

MARJORINE: We’ve been having an alright day! I originally came to pick up a new set of drumsticks from the store Kenny works at.

KENNY: Yeah, because you snapped your drumsticks in half by playing your set too hard during our last rehearsal.

MARJORINE: You can’t expect me to not get excited! The song is a headbanger, honey. I just... I can’t help but get super into it! Anyway... Kenny had just gotten off work and Tweek got here half an hour ago to get new dice and such for our superhero game!

THOMAS: Well, you see... It’s actually not too complicated.

THOMAS: Marjorine, Tweek, and Kenny are all in a band. Everyone in town knows who they are... However, I- FUCK- guess I befriended them all in different ways outside o-of the uh... Band thing they have going.

[Thomas has blocked out any background noise while he answers the question]

MARJORINE: What if HE shows up to the game, guys? And if HE shows up, what if HE brings his gross boyfriend? I can tolerate Corey. He’s Thomas’s brother, he’s a good kid! but... Not him. He brings out the worst in him.

THOMAS: Marjorine and I actually met at the library through a Dungeons and Dragons club that Kyle had started-(squeak)- in middle school, before she came out as a girl. She wanted to be a classic human paladin and I was a cool homebrew faun bard. She- shitfuckass- and I went out for a bit until she came out, then we kinda just went our separate ways since I’m gay. Although, we’re- COCK!- definitely still friends.

KENNY: I doubt they’re gonna be there, sugar. Besides- if he is, Kyle, Scott, and I will keep them in check. Plus, if Thomas is coming, we’ll have him as backup too. There’s no way they’ll fuck us over if we have four of us who know how to kick ass.

THOMAS: I met Kenny through Kyle. He uh.... He introduced me to Kenny when I invited him and his family over for Hanukkah back in the fifth grade. He’d brought Kenny and Kenny’s siblings along with his family since Kenny had been spending the holidays with- shit- them that year due to some issues back home. 

THOMAS: ... Kenny’s the whole reason I actually came out to my mom if I’m being completely honest. He’s awesome.

TWEEK: Make that five, Ken. Let’s not aargh- forget you’ve been teaching me self defense... And I know how to box.

KENNY: Oh yeah, you’re right, huh?

TWEEK: Yeah.

TWEEK: Anyway, Thomas, you got anything in mind for your character?

THOMAS: And then there’s Tweek. Man, uh, I actually met Tweek when he and Craig were a thing. After they split up, I dated Craig for a while, and then Tweek. Then Tweek and I separated again and he went back out with Craig up until last year. I... I actually fuck- I actually uhm... I never stopped having major feelings for him, if I’m being totally honest.

THOMAS: But I’d never have a chance with him now that he’s fully dedicated and in a relationship with Marjorine and (squeak squeak) Kenny. Plus, unfortunately, we just stressed each-other out 24-FUCKINGCOCKASS-7...

TWEEK: Thomas?

THOMAS: Huh? Wha-...?

TWEEK: I asked if you had anything in mind for your character, man. Since, ya know, Kyle used to yap all about our superhero game and franchise bullshit all the time to you when we were younger.

THOMAS: Oh- uh, yeah, I kinda do. I have a bunch of doodles and notes in my sketchbook out in my truck.

TWEEK: That’s good. Anyway, uh. We’re gonna meet up at my ngh- parents’ coffee shop tonight for the superhero roleplay. Bring dice and that sketchbook of yours. I think we’re expecting a total of 11 people tonight, counting ourselves.

TWEEK: Are you okay with that? You don’t personally know three of them, but they’re all super cool.

THOMAS: O-oh, yeah that’s just fine! I’ll uh... I’ll see you there at...?”

TWEEK: Aah-! Just be there by 4 o’clock, okay? I’ll- 

[GROUND BEGINS SHAKING VIOLENTLY]

THOMAS: What the fuck-?

KENNY: Guys, what the hell are you standing around for?! Get under something!

[LIGHTS GO FLICKER AND GO OUT]

TWEEK: GRAASALKF I CAN’T SEE ANYTHING!!

THOMAS: I can’t either!!

KENNY: Wait- what the fuck- is that a light?!

THOMAS: L...light?

[... CONNECTION TO ASK BOX LOST ...]

[... RECONNECTING ...]

[... PLEASE WAIT MOMENTARILY ...]

[... ... ...]

[... RECONNECTED TO ASK BOX ...]

MARJORINE: [notices Thomas] Oh, hamburgers, boys, it’s Thomas! I wonder what he’s doing here? He hates comin’ on Fridays

[Tweek and Kenny don’t seem to hear her and continue gushing over the game Tweek found]

THOMAS: SHIT! Aw, c’mon... This is the worst...

MARJORINE: [grabs Thomas’s shoulder cheerfully] Heya, buddy! Why the long face?

THOMAS: [startled] AHHH!! COCKASS DICKWAFFLE-!

MARJORINE: Oops- sorry there lil buddy, didn’t mean to, I was just gonna-

THOMAS: Marjorine, what the heck?! That was super not cool sneaking up on me like that! What do you even want?! Can’t you AH SHIT- see that I’m distressed?!

[Tweek and Kenny have finally noticed their girlfriend interacting with Thomas]

TWEEK: T-Thomas... dude...

KENNY: ... chill, man.

MARJORINE: I-I was just gonna try invitin’ you to come play the newest iteration of our superhero game with us tonight, pal...

THOMAS: You mean the one Kyle used to tell me about you playing?

KENNY: Eeyup... That’s the one man.

THOMAS: Ah.... Sorry for snapping.........

TWEEK: ...

MARJORINE: uhuh. Not a prob-

THOMAS: AH SHITBUSICUIT!

MARJORINE: -lem...

KENNY: ...

TWEEK: ... Jesus Christ man...

KENNY: ...

TWEEK: ...

MARJORINE: Well?

THOMAS: Oh! Yeah! I’ll come...

THOMAS: I hate coming to the mall on Fridays! Ugh- there’s gotta be like, somewhere between FUCKASS- 20 to 40 or more people here for the new release! There’s no way they have that many copies!

THOMAS: Why did they have to release it today of all days? I swear, it’s like the universe hates me!

THOMAS: ...

THOMAS: ......cocksucker!....

THOMAS: This is taking so long! C’mon!

THOMAS: This is supposed to be the best game out of all the ones previously released in the franchise!! 

THOMAS: [looks at the time]

THOMAS: THIS STORE SHOULD HAVE- AH DICKASS- OPENED HALF AN HOUR AGO!

[employee comes to unlock the store doors and everyone stampedes in except thomas]

THOMAS: .......

THOMAS: [registers with him that it’s open now] ?!

THOMAS: OH CRAP THEY’RE OPEN- I SHOULD HAVE RUN RIGHT IN! I better get in there before they run out!!

[thomas enters the store only to find the shelf where the game was on display is completely empty]