eerie neri

I promise that I'm still writing!! I just got a little overworked and stressed while deployed haha

I have no clue what it's called and I only ever had the second book, but I want it so bad!!!!

It was def early 2000s era and it was about these girls with magic from these shiney magic rocks? Idk I don't remember well. BUT I do remember that the girl the book was about wasnt really supposed to have one and she had found hers in like a river (I think) but these hags kept trying to take it. And she found a hag with her favorite cashmere sweater washing it in a river or something (it was weird idk) And some evil lady also wanted her rock (it was special or something idk it might have been rainbow or something) and this evil lady looked JUST like her and wanted to recruit her (I think).

I distinctly remember this book being illustrated btw because two of the pictures really stuck w me. The first is the hag washing the sweater and the second was of the evil lady. It was her hand pushing out of the girls laptop screen and the screen was all spiderweb-cracked because of it. I remember thinking the illustrations were super pretty when I was young (and that the evil lady was hot lol)

I've been trying to write but I hate what I'm writing. Like I love what I'm writing about and the story and the fic itself I just hate what I am currently writing for my fic,,, y'know?

I'm always on a fucking boat and when I'm on a boat I work like upwards of 15 hours and I'm always so fucking tired and then I can't sleep bc why would I be able to sleep? And there's so many damn bells and whistles and my ears are always ringing and I can never hear when anyone's talking but I can always hear when someone rings the doorbell to the shop and the jets and helicopters are always loud and it's always dirty and I'm always sick and why the fuck isn't there a toilet seat on a single toilet and speaking of toilets why are there men in the ONLY female only head that isn't my berthing??????

And I have to write. I can't write while I'm at work bc there's no outside electronics in my shop but I don't want to write it in a journal or notebook because my coworkers are nosey as fuck and no one has any fucking boundaries and why are you always toUCHING MY SHIT???? But it's my fault when I yell at you? Holy fuck, just go fuck yourself already!

But I want to write, that's the worst part I think. I want to write but when I want to write I can't because I have no where to write when I want to write and when I have the time and the place I have no want to write at all. But then I write anyways and I hate it because I feel like it doesn't fit into the story and then my friend tells me it DOES fit and I still hate it. I feel like I write like a highschool girl still and I feel like if I opened up my own fic I'd close it for being childish and a little weird and I feel like I'm in over my head but I love my fic and I want to keep writing my fic and then I think it's the best thing since the actual series itself cam out and then I hate it all all over again.

But I want to love it. Because it is great and so many people tell me it's great and so many more are telling me they can't wait for the next chapter. And if I never get a comment again it doesn't matter because I got a comment on my first chapter that said they loved it and we're excited for the next piece I put out for them. And no one could leave my work kudos ever again because I looked at my fic after two months of not posting anything and there were more there than when I was able to look last but even that doesn't matter because I posted barely 900 words and I had one kudo and it made me so happy I could write my fic on thick paper with fancy ink and a quill and mail it to that one person just so they could read it.

But then I go back to work after a short weekend and all my life is drained right out of me. I really only like 2 of my coworkers, everyone else annoys me.

One of them thought we were flirting the entire time since he check into my command and I hate that. I thought we were friends. He wanted to sleep with me. I just want to curl up in a ball and whither away why couldn't we just be friends bc never treated him any different than anyone else in the shop and did he just think I was flirting with everyone and why the fuck would I do that???? He thought it was bc we hung out a lot but it was literally bc he didn't have a car att and I was being nice and I'd have done it for anyone not just him and I made it very clear he wasn't even my type and he just said he thought I was playing hard to get???? Huh???? He was also mad disrespectful and outright mean to me all the time and he'd always pick fights and piss people off and he said he thought that was flirting with me. Like are we in elementary school? When a boy is mean to you it means he likes you kinda bullshit? He's 26, a grown ass man and he thought that was all normal okay behavior? Everytime I put the whole situation into word/writing about it, it feels more and more absurd

I bought an apartment six months ago and it feels like I'm living in a hotel or something because all I have is a bed and bedframe and one side table I bought from five below that wobbles when I put a cup on it and I don't have a couch or a tv or internet and my kitchen is only stocked because I love to bake and I'd probably just curl up and waste into nothingness if I didn't have at least that going for me outside of my fic.

I go to work, I go home, I waste away, I bake. I only feel like I have time to draw at work. I only buy sketchbooks that can fit into my work pants pocket because otherwise I'd never draw. I want to draw fanart for my fic but I miss my ipad but I can't draw with my ipad at work.

And I do my tarot cards because they make me feel better but then I did it at work a few times and now they're all calling me a witch which isn't a bad thing and not exactly false but now a few are saying things like I'm gonna hex them or put curses on them or if they get a card reading which I don't even do unless people ask and I don't really like doing them tbh they're gonna die a horrible death

And I'm so fucking tired all of the time I hate it I can't ever sleep and I just want to sleep through the night and then I just doze through a few hours and when I do fall asleep I have nightmares of work and then I wake up and I can't sleep and then I doze off again and then my alarm goes off and I have to go right back to work. And I'm just so tired of it all I want the ringing in my ears to stop and the bells and the whistles and if I go through one more man overboard drill that take an hour because of one department I'm gonna cry but I pray it's only ever drills I have to go through because it would be so scary if someone jumped off or fell and I want to stop dreaming about work I'm so tired of it I work all day and then I'm working in my mind all over again and wasn't once enough?????

And I want to get out of the navy, but the job security is what I want more than getting out. It's shit, it's awful, it's terrible and I hate it, but I get paid twice a month every month and all my time off is paid time off and yeah I hate being in the navy but I do like my job and there is no guarantee that I'll even be able to swing a good job in what I do. And even if I do, whith the way out world is going idk if I'll be able to count on keeping it long term at all! I'm just so tired and the navy isn't helping, in fact all of the night terrors I have are navy related! My boat sinking, my boat being hit by a missile, getting blown up by a missile, watching people on my ship getting blown up by a missile, waiting another ship getting blown up by a missile, a man overboard but it's my friend, a man overboard and it's not my friend, and man overboard and it was an accidental fall, a man overboard and I fell by accident, a man overboard and I jumped on purpose, someone murdering everyone in my shop with an ax, murdering everyone in my shop with an ax, practice general quarters, general quarters because of missiles, et cetera et cetera

Overall I feel like a fraud I hate my fic I hate my employer I hate my circumstance and sometimes I hate myself.

I POSTED MY WORK

Like a while ago but STILL

It's called 'in vestigiis eius' and I'm very proud of it so far

Did I say I was gonna post my work? Yes. Did I do it? No.

I just got so busy please believe me!!!

I've been sooooo tired and my insomnia has been KICKING my ass.

And I'm only going to get busier, unfortunately.

ANYWAYS, moving on, cause I'm here to RANT about something that doesn't affect anyone or anything at all :D (and I'd like to restate again, this is a personal pet peeve that I'm discussing and I'm doing it because I treat this place like my diary, I'm not hating on anyone I PROMISE)

So, here we go:

Are you ever just following a fic series and you've lost track of it (yikes!) but then on your big weekend off, you find it again! (Woohoo!!) The author has posted the next part of the series and it's got quite a few chapters! Now you can take part of the weekend to catch up and rejoin the fans of the series! Heck yeah!

There's just oooooonnne teeny tiny problem. The POV. All the previous works had been in Third POV. The new fic? Oh, it's in First POV.

Not what I was expecting! It's not bad, no, no, it's,,,, not. And like I get it, the og material was in first POV, so the author of the fic felt the best way to pay homage to it was to do the same.

The og material was kinda maybe for kids and preteens, and I personally feel like THAT's what is was written in first person POV. For kids. I think a lot of kids books are written that way so they can better immerse themselves into the books. And it's not a bad thing if you still like them when you're grown! Not at all!

But when I, an adult who's not expecting it, opens a fic, very excitedly, and find it First POV. I feel nothing but disappointment. The last instalments of the fic were in Third POV, and I can't tell you why I prefer Third to First POV, but it just distracts me!

Especially written the way this particular one is. Because the source material starts out kind of witty and sarcastic (and that's our main character, a witty and sarcastic boy!) a lot of times fic authors will try and match that energy. I often find it falls very flat, and just irritating, unfortunately.

The first lines of the fic kind of try and mirror the og material, and it's intentional and I read the comments and everyone seems to love it, but I'm just struggling to even get passed the lines.

"I'm NAME and I'm havinging, a pretty wacky day, and that's super unexpected! But, you'd probably like some context before I continue,,,"

And I honestly hate it? I was so excited for this fic and I feel so let down and it's nobody's fault but my own? Like I could just get over it and read the damn fic (the comments are glowing and the author seems very proud of their work) so like I'm pretty sure it's good! And the premise hasn't changed at all. I just know after those first lines they're going to try and mimic the og source's humor in the narration, and it honestly already fell short, so my expectations for the rest of it are,,, not great.

And I do feel so bad! Because I've literally never felt the need to drop something or complain about it this much before :0. It's a very strange situation where I'm literally not even wanting to read it at all. Usually I can push through it until I find another reason to drop it or I just finish it.

And this fic is one of those, 'what is X happened like super early on, maybe even a little pre-canon to our MC, what would happen' fics, so it's gonna be a rewrite from the top, which I knew going into it, but I just don't know if I can handle the POV mixed with the attempts at matching the wit, jokes, and one liners in the og.

Did I leave lengthy-ish comments on two fics about how much I loved them? Yes.

Was one of those comments on a fic that I'd already left kudos on? Also yes.

And I promise I'll be posting it!! I have one that I'm really proud of and actually really excited to continue writing. I have so many ideas and I can't wait to write them.

HOWEVER, I've actually been so busy it's not even funny. I wish I could say it was work, but it's honestly just been my personal life.

I recently had to move out of the barracks earlier than expected, like two weeks earlier. I was expecting to be able to move out from the barracks and into my apartment very smoothly. But that's not what happened at all!

I got a notice from the barracks on a Monday night that they wanted everyone out by friday morning 😭 So I hurried up and packed my shit and got the fuck out.

Now I'm moving into my apartment, which is very exciting, but also super stressful.

In the middle of making this post I had to go to a dental appointment and they told me I was getting my wisdom teeth yoinked out the next day so this post has taken me like five days or whatever. I've completely lost track of what I was gonna say,,,,

Anyways I fully plan on editing and posting my little fic when my face no longer hurts and I'm settled into my new place.

My drafts were full of all the things I've already posted, just in various states of being finished because I'm a dumbass with a short attention span and I close my app very often by accident lmao

I wish I could just swallow my inability and just post what I write. I write so many fanfic tidbits. I'm sure someone would read them and enjoy them. Maybe I'd even find the courage to keep writing them.

I've been in fandom spaces for a while,, I've definitely mentioned it before, but I started my chronic online habitation on Wattpad. I definitely wrote things, fanfics and even "original works" that were so popular then. I was so confident for a twelve year old or whatever.

I wish I had that confidence now.

Obviously, everything is basically anonymous, my name isn't actually nerium, and no one I know knows me under this psyudenym. So there really are no consequences of me posting my shitty little fanfic tidbits.

I guess I have this unrealistic idea that whatever I write might get popular? (Very unlikely lol) But there are long portions of time where I'm just,,, unavailable. (deployment woo 🥳) can definitely write, but posting? Absolutely not.

But it's also like, why do I really care? I don't really think I'm going to get popular with what I make and I definitely don't care what someone on the Internet says about my inability to post what I write.

Maybe I'll do it, maybe I won't. Honestly just typing this shit out has helped tremendously lol I'm probably going to post what I write now, specifically the fanfic stuff and particularly on AO3, my second home.

Methinks I'll polish what I have so far, and post that. I might have like two solid chapters of a fic I've been dying to see an AU of haha and maybe I'll have fun and write more and post it.

Maybe

One day I might be in a very cutesy get up and have bows in my hair and the next I might wear a more alternative style.

I love them both, and I wanna smoosh em together so I never have to choose. But then again I love my clothes separately in their different styles. I know certain things can definitely be cross worn. I've definitely done it!

I love mixing my styles and making something fun outfits that I love, but not everything I like to wear mixed well in my opinion.

It's also a particular headache when I fall into only wearing one or the other for a while, because when I eventually excape singular style hell, I find myself not owning everything I want/need to throw the outfits I want together.

It also feeds into my shopping addiction, I think. Because when I find I don't have something I want to wear, or I forgot to add a piece to my outfit, my first thought is to buy it.

I'm not worried about my finances, or overconsumption, because I know that I'll use everything I buy, and I'm not always buying new.

I'm on holiday leave right now and I packed for my more light colored, cutesy style and I'm very much wishing I had more of my darker colored alt styles clothes. I know, I know this is really a first world problem at its finest, but why am I here if not to vent?

I didn't get dressed today, I just stayed in my pajamas because I didn't like any of my clothes. It's later at night now and I feel like a terrible, lazy person. Which is no good.

Anyways, it just feels like figuring out what to wear should be the easy things I have to deal with, but sometimes it feels like the hardest.