sometimes writing

Cat had stepped out earlier mostly because she still had a meeting to attend. “For the last time Pasta does not belong next to Cereal.” Cat called from the doorway as she grins.

Niamh stopped what she was doing, turned around and leaned against the kitchen counter. She smiles softly. “You're home early.”

Catarina walked further in, carrying two grocery bags and looking around like the organization system her girlfriend had forced upon the kitchen personally offended her. “It's chaos in here.” She chuckled.

“It’s just new and unusual?” Niamh offered softly. Like the organization system wasn't totally bizarre to most people and like Cat would just have to get used to it.

“You put the staples into different shelves.” Her girlfriend said, as she looked at the cabinets to put the groceries away.

“Well it makes sense. Noodles with Noodle Sauces…” Niamh tried to explain her organization system while feeling a tad bit embarrassed.

”That's just confusing, love.” Cat chuckled and kissed Niamh’s cheek.

Niamh bit back a laugh as her girlfriend set the bags down, with the sigh of someone who had been burdened by great responsibility. And before the English girl had a chance to do anything her girlfriend started moving around the kitchen reorganizing stuff and muttering to herself in a mix of Portuguese and English.

“You know most people say hello to their girlfriends before beginning an intervention on Kitchen organization.” Niamh said teasingly.

“Well I brought you an iced coffee?” Cat offered, barely glancing over her shoulder.

“Oh… well carry on then.” Niamh grinned and grabbed her drink as she sat down. Cat snorted as she looked at her girlfriend, who was very much her princess. “Thought so, darling.”

The flat smelled faintly of rain and warm muffins from the bakery, which Cat had brought home. Outside London was grey in that familiar, steady way it always seemed during the season. Inside their little apartment everything felt warm. Their trainers were abandoned by the door, their jackets were on the pegs. Nimah’s plants were on the window sills. One of Cat's hoodies, that Niamh had worn earlier, was now slung over the arm of their couch. And their phones on the table buzzed every now and then. Probably their teammates, who were sending Memes into the group chat, so neither of them really bothered checking it.

It felt lived in and comfortable. Like a place where both of them could come home to and be happy. It felt like them and safety. For Niamh this place was everything, her safe place.

Cat finally finished reorganizing and then turned to the other girl. “There. All finished and logically done.”

“It was fine before.” Niamh huffed a bit, before taking another sip from her iced coffee.

“It really wasn't. We would have forgotten where the noodles and where the rice is by next week. Now stop pouting. You love me.”

Niamh sighed like she regrets agreeing but then chuckled as she stepped closer and hugged Cat close. “Unfortunately I do.” Cats smile deepened instantly.

Niamh loved this version of her Brazilian girlfriend the most. Not the player the world saw on the pitch, not the player that was adored by the Chelsea fans. Not the confident one, scoring goals in packed stadiums, giving interviews and smiling for the cameras. She adored this version of Cat. All sleepy-eyed after training, barefoot in the kitchen, stealing chips off her plate and pretending she hadn't. The girlfriend that would wrap her up in her arms and just joke around with her for hours on end.

“You okay?” Cat asked quietly, her fingers trailing over Nimah's sides and completely making the other girl look up wide-eyed.

“Hm?” Niamh blinked up, a bit overwhelmed and confused.

“You've got your thinking face on.” Cat teased gently, her fingers still trailing up and down Nimah's sides.

“I do not have a thinking face.”

“You absolutely do. It's this.” Cat said as she turned Ninah around in her arms to show off what she called Nimah's thinking face. She narrowed her eyes dramatically and stared into the distance like she was solving advanced algebra without taking any notes. Niamh immediately burst out into laughter, which made Cat beam in delight. “That's so rude.”

“It's accurate, lovely.” Cat mumbled as she leaned closer to face, not yet kissing her. Just hovering close to her lips.

“It’s not.” Niamh whispered back as she glanced between her girlfriends eyes and lips.

Cat kissed the corner of her mouth before she could keep arguing. “What were you thinking about, love?”

Niamh shrugged a little and smiled back. “Just us.”

Cat grinned a bit. “Alright, alright. Continue.”

“Just that I like this. Us… the normal stuff.”

“The cupboard organization?” Cat teased her gently, as she trailed her hands up and down the English girls side.

“Well maybe not that part. But this…” She vaguely gestured around the flat they've now been sharing for around half a year. "Coming home to you. Ordering food. Falling asleep during movies together. Going to the market for flowers on off days. All the simple stuff.”

“I do not always fall asleep.”

“You fell asleep last week during that action movie.” Niamh pointed out as she leaned in closer.

“Well that plotline was all wonky and exhausting.” Cat huffed with a teasing grin, which immediately made Niamh pout a bit and glare at her. “But there were explosions every five minutes of the film.”

“Exactly. Too much stress for me.”

Niamh laughed at that answer and hid her face in the Brazilian's shoulder as she giggled. Her arms tightened around her girlfriend immediately.

For a while neither of them moved. The rain tapped softly against the windows outside. Somewhere far away, cars and sirens passed in the distance, fading quickly in the distance towards the city noises. It was close and yet so far. Because here it just was them. Only the two of them existed in this quiet bubble.

Then Cat spoke up quietly. “You know my favorite part of the day?”

Niamh, who had closed her eyes to just soak in this perfect moment with her girlfriend, opens one eye lazily. “Mhm?”

“Coming home to you.” Cat mumbles. The answer was immediate so simple and earnest that Niamh felt it settle deep inside her ribs. She couldn't help but smile softly. Cat meanwhile looked a tad bit embarrassed by her honesty, which only made Niamh smile a bit wider.

"You know this was disgustingly adorable.” Niamh mumbled to her.

“You started it. Being all sappy and adorable.”

"Mhm, kinda true.” Niamh admitted smiling cheekily.

Cat chuckled a bit and brushed her thumb along Nimah's waist absentmindedly. “Even after bad training days or travel or whatever… I know I get to come back here with you.”

Nimah's chest tightened with that happy, pleasant feeling that was spreading through her body. “You're being so soft.”

“Only because nobody is around to hear me.”

“Oh, I'm absolutely telling the team.” Niamh said teasingly, being the same teasing little shit she could always be when she was feeling a bit mischievous.

Cat gasped like she felt absolutely betrayed. “You wouldn't. You’re evil.”

“And yet.” Niamh said, stealing a kiss from Cat's lips smiling, as she quoted, what she said earlier. “You love me anyways.”

Cat just chuckled and narrowed her eyes. “Unfortunately, yeah.”

They ordered dinner an hour later, after they almost immediately abandoned plans to cook dinner. Cat sat cross-legged on the sofa scrolling through takeaway options, while Nimah's head rested on her lap. The English girl was only halfway listening to her girlfriend.

“No mushrooms.” Niamh reminded, without opening her eyes.

“You say that every time.”

“Because you forget every fine.” Niamh said annoyed as she turned over head and opened one eye to look towards her girlfriend. Cat meanwhile grinned down at her girlfriend. “One time.”

“It definitely was three times.” Niamh huffed and opened her eyes fully now. “You're lucky you're cute.”

Cat gave her a cheeky smile. “Aw you think I am cute?”

“And annoying.” Niamh huffed and closed her eyes again.

“That wasn't the question, love.” The Brazilian chuckled at the way Niamh didn't move from her lap even while looking annoyed. But then the English woman opened her eyes and reached up and before Cat could continue talking, she was already being pulled down in a kiss. Cat melted into it instantly, one hand coming down to cup Nimah's jaw while the other one set the phone down onto the couch.

When they finally pulled apart both of them were flushed, Cat looked entirely too pleased with herself, when she saw that Niamh’s lips were swollen and bruised.

“You kissed me to avoid answering, love.” Cat mumbled and brushed a strand of hair behind Niamh's ear.

“And?” Niamh answered, still a bit breathless from the kiss.

“And it worked.” Cat mumbled before kissing the other girl again, gentler this time but both of them smiled gently into the kiss.

Dinner eventually arrived, just some Pasta dishes and drinks. The movie selection process took a ridiculous amount of time, like it always did. And just like Niamh and expected, Cat fell asleep halfway through.

Niamh noticed the exact moment it happened, Cat's sentences became shorter and slower and then her head dropped down against Nimah's shoulder, who was sitting next to her now. By the time her fingers around the shared blanket loosened, Cat was fully asleep.

“You're asleep.” Niamh mumbled and stroked over Cat's hair gently.

"Am awake." Cat mumbled, her eyes still closed.

“You literally said that with your eyes closed.” Niamh whispered back, lovingly.

“No proof.” was the last few words Cat muttered before she fell asleep.

And Niamh? She smiled to herself and pressed a kiss to her girlfriend's hair. Cat hummed in her sleep and curled closer to Niamh, one hand loosely grabbing onto the other girl's hoodie.

The television glowed softly across the dimly lit room, while the rain continued to patter outside. Just as steady and endless against the asphalt as this moment felt.

The first time you saw her, she was standing in the middle of the training pitch at Cobham. She was laughing at something one of the other girls had said, one hand on her belly as she was trying to stop laughing. The sun caught in her red hair and for a second you forgot that you, like any human, had to breathe.

“Oh man.” You muttered to yourself, as you walked in trying your best not to stare at her. “Well that's just unfair.”

You knew exactly who she was. Sjoeke Nüsken. A German international and a midfield powerhouse, in your opinion. You enjoyed watching her play during the last Euros when your matches allowed it. She always seemed calm on the ball and like she made good runs.

While you were still trying to think of all her stats from the last seasons, she suddenly looked up. And caught you staring.

Immediately you felt the heat rushing to your face and averted your eyes. She didn't look away though. Instead one of her eyebrows lifted like she was amused and as you glanced back at her face again she gave you the smallest smile.

You knew you were done for that exact moment.

“Everyone, this is Y/n.” It was announced during the introductions. “She’s joining us from Valur in Iceland.”

You gave a small wave and your sweetest smile as you stood there. It kinda felt like the first day of school, where nobody knew you. “Hi. I promise I'm nice. Unless you're marking me.” This got a few laughs out of some of the other players and made you relax.

Sjoeke's laugh was softer, but you heard it. You always would've heard it and now that you knew her laugh you never wanted to not hear it again.

After that first training, you were collecting some balls when a shadow fell over you.

“You're fast.” A voice said and you glanced up already feeling your heart racing. There she was. This up close was worse. Or better… no on third thought it was definitely worse. Somehow you managed to formulate an answer. “That's usually the point.”

She shook her head with a teasing grin. “Are you always that confident?”

“Only on Tuesdays.” You blurted out before your brain fully caught up to what your mouth had just just said and immediately you felt your ears heat up. But now it was too late, because the German was already grinning in response. “It’s Thursday tho, isn't it?”

You felt your cheeks heat up as well and you truly regretted letting the words slip out before your brain could stop them. And you still did as the silence stretched between you. One second. Two seconds. So you just gave her a tiny helpless smile that seemed to convey the social awkwardness and helplessness you were feeling.

Then she laughed. A proper laugh this time, the same laugh you had seen earlier when you first saw her. One with her head tilting back slightly. “You just arrived.”

“And I’m already making good impressions, I hope?” You asked, trying to sound more confident than you felt as you offered her your hand. “Y/n.”

“I know.” She replied, but she took your hand anyway. Her hand was warm and strong. She didn’t let go immediately and you kinda hoped your hand didn't feel sweaty because that would be so awkward later. But she didn't say anything and instead introduced herself. “Sjoeke.”

“I know.” You replied with a teasing grin.

One rainy evening after training, weeks after you first moved to London, most of the team had already left.. But the two of you were both waiting near the entrance as you watched the rain outside.

“I hate London rain.” You sighed annoyed as you glared at the grey city stretching in front of you. It already looked cold and grey with just the buildings; the misty rain just added insult to injury. “In Iceland it feels dramatic and aggressive but you might see some sun later. Here it just feels rude. It's cold and wet and never stops.”

She huffed a laugh and glanced at you. “You’ll get used to it.”

“Will I get used to you too?” You quipped before you could stop yourself. It happened more than you'd like to admit when talking with her.

She turned to look at you fully now. Her face was close enough that you could see the tiny crease between her brows when she was thinking.

“Why would you need to?” She asked, sounding honestly confused.

“Because you make me nervous.” You offered quietly and unsure. One of your hands rubbed at that little bracelet you're always wearing. That seemed to surprise her and she looked at you again. “You don’t seem nervous.”

The rain filled the silence between you. Just the quiet pitter-patter of the water hitting the concrete and as you stood there you decided to just try. Maybe she'd like you back. Maybe just maybe… so you answered her. “Well I am around pretty girls.”

Her voice dropped slightly as she tried to make sense of what you said. “You flirt with everyone?”

“No.” Your answer came immediately and with a tiny huff, like you couldn't believe she said that. “Just you.”

“You don’t even know me that well.” She mumbled and rubbed the back of her head also unsure, but you could see the blush forming on her cheeks.

“I know you’re kind to the academy girls. I know you stay late to practice penalties. I know you pretend to be serious but you laugh at terrible jokes.” You paused unsure as you blushed. “I know you looked at me on the pitch like you were curious.”

Now her cheeks flushed almost as red as her hair. “And?” She asked quietly, almost sounding unsure.

Which proved to be very difficult when her very pretty girlfriend was just about twenty meters away in a teal colored kit and looking just as pretty as she did at home.

Jana meanwhile was playing it cool. She was just warming up, rolling her shoulders and jogging up and down to get her muscles loose. The teal colored shirt was already clinging to her a bit.

It was just that focus and composure, which she already had at Barcelona and the international matches against Aggie that had made the English girl fall for her in the first place. Well that and that stupid smile.

Jana wasn't even fully looking at her as she jogged past. Just a tiny glance, short enough to not be caught by anyone. Barely more than a glance and a tiny twitch at the corner of her mouth. And yet it made Aggie nearly trip over one of the cones that had been spaced out for warm up.

Thankfully she didn't get hurt and instead played it off as being clumsy. They had agreed on the rules.

No lingering looks on the pitch.

No walking out together.

No interacting on social media for at least two days after matches.

And absolutely no obvious puppy dog looks and smiles… well Jana had added this one because Aggie sucked at not staring at her.

They were trying to be careful. They had to be. Their teammates were observant and the media picked everything apart. Two young players from different clubs and even more so different countries that rival in most big competitions? Well it would be everywhere before they would even have the chance to pick up their phones to tell anyone themselves.

When kickoff came Aggie was telling herself she was fine. She could do this and once they're home she'd get to cuddle her girlfriend and tell her how pretty she looked.

It only took five minutes for her to prove she wasn't fine. The English girl had made a run and completely mistimed the pass, because she had been busy noticing how hot Jana's legs had looked as she was tracking her in defense.

Ten minutes later she stumbled and took an unneeded extra touch because Jana’s voice had cut through the noise of the fans and the pitch. It was sharp and commanding… and way too hot. She didn't even dare to think about the stupid warm feelings bubbling in her insides.

Twenty-five minutes into the game Millie gave her a look, as if to cheek if the younger girl was okay and all she could do was press her lips together and pretend to get it together.

Across the pitch Jana was doing a much better job at pretending she wasn't affected. She won a clean tackle off Aggie and didn't let herself turn to her when she heard the frustrated huff from the younger girl.

“You're distracted.” Jana murmured under her breath as they reset ready for a throw in. She wasn't even looking at the blonde, who just now shot her an annoyed glare.

“Whose fault is that?”

That made the Spanish girl finally glance at her girlfriend properly. Aggie felt herself blush a tad bit as she watched the dark eyes soft for just a second. But then Jana just said with that stupid smirk. “Yours. You’re staring.”

“I am not.”

“You are.”

The second half was worse. Barely ten minutes into it Aggie misses a sitter. A shot she would bury into the net nine times out of ten. All because Jana stepped into her peripheral vision at the worst possible moment. She could hear the crowd groan. She felt the annoyed and confused glances of her teammates. But all the English girl could do was drag her hands through her hair and try not to show how horrible this felt.

From the opposite defensive line, Jana was biting the inside of her cheek to stop herself from reacting too obviously. She could see the disappointment in her girlfriend's face. She could see it was eating at her confidence and spirit. All she wanted to do was walk over to the English girl and squeeze her hand. Tell her girlfriend to take a breather and that it's okay, that nobody is mad.

But she couldn't. Instead she went back to running and helping her team. Looking professional and composed, like everyone expected of her. And infuriatingly beautiful as Aggie would describe it.

When the final whistle blew it was a draw. Probably for the best. Neither of them was sure if they could've celebrated against the other.

The handshake line is torture. They both just want to reach out and hold the other for a second. When they do they both smile a tiny bit.

“Hi.” Aggie said. She hoped her teammates didn't listen in, because her voice was far too soft for a post-match greeting between opponents.

Jana noticed of course, just like Aggie noticed the tiny smile twitching at her girlfriend's lips as the Spaniard returned the greeting. “Hi.”

When their hands touch it's normal and firm. Just like anyone would expect, it's all appropriate for the cameras and teammates.

But Jana’s thumb brushed over lightly over Aggie’s knuckles. It's so subtle that it's barely visible to anyone that would have watched. But it meant so much. Jana could see how much this game, the annoyed glances and yells of the fans and teammates had upset Aggie. And right here the Spaniard couldn't take the younger girl into her arms and tell her she was proud of her and that everything was alright. All she could do was squeeze her hand for now.

But Aggie understood anyway. She knew Jana was trying to give her strength and love through a simple touch.

They were forced to separate again and then they had to walk in opposite directions with their teams. Around them the chaos still continued. Cameras were flashing, the fans were yelling. In the team huddled the teammates were debriefing and analysts were talking.

The two didn't look at each other again. Not until much later when they both finally left their changing rooms as one of the last ones on both respective teams.

It was already dark when Aggie slipped into the hallway toward the underground car park and checked her phone. It just had one message.

‘Lovey 🍵:’ You were distracting today. Your place for dinner?

Aggie didn't even get the chance to respond when she heard the footsteps behind her. She didn't even have to turn around to know who it was. “You followed me.”

“Coincidence.” Jana said lightly with a smirk in her voice.

Aggie finally turned to face her girlfriend and all the professionalism dropped away instantly. With no cameras, no teammates and no fans around there was no need to pretend. She was sad, emotional, overwhelmed and she wanted Jana.

“You missed that chance because you were staring.” Jana said softly.

The English girl huffed and stepped closer. “I missed that chance because my very secret, very beautiful girlfriend decided to play the best defensive game.”

Jana laughed quietly and squeezed the younger girl's hand. “Excuses.” After a second she added. “You did good. I am proud of you.”

They were close enough now that Aggie could see the faint flush on Jana’s cheeks from all the running or maybe the cold. Or maybe not from the cold, because the dark eyes she fell in love with trailed her face like they were mapping a star chart.

“You know.” Aggie mumbled as they stood there. “We're gonna have to get better at this.”

“At football?” Jana teased the English girl.

“At pretending we don’t want to kiss each other every five minutes.”

Jana hummed in agreement and then she reached up, since the English girl is a tad bit taller. And before Aggie could react Jana pressed a soft kiss to Aggie's mouth. Just a brief touch gone before Aggie could return the kiss.

“We’ll practice.” Jana mumbled.

It would never get old this feeling and she's probably never get used to it. But she likes it, always had, focusing on those special moments and winning. That's what she loved. That's what made her one of the best players in the world.

She loves those nights. Usually. But today she can't shake the feeling that something is off.

So Lucy adjusts her stance as she scans over the pitch to try and ground herself. It's more routine nowadays than anything else. After playing for so many years you don't think much about it anymore.

But then her gaze catches the reason for her uneasiness. Felicitas Rauch. Earlier, just before the walk-in, she and Ona had hugged like old friends. It had startled the English defender and she doesn't even know why. Ona is allowed to have friends and she doesn't really care much for who she is friends with. But the hug? It seemed so familiar. So close.

In that first moment it had just been a twinge of uneasiness that had been settled into just a glimmer when her girlfriend had turned around to her and given her that sweet smile.

And now the German stood there, composed and focused and Lucy couldn't help but look away. She glances to the side and just sees Ona warming up on the spot, just slightly bouncing on her toes. In that same focused and sharp way she always does. It's the version of Ona she had known first and it still made her happy to see her girlfriend so focused and enjoying herself.

So Lucy does the only thing she can think off and exhales slowly to ground herself. It's just a game after all. And afterwards they'll be home in Barcelona soon and she'll be the only one touching the freckled skin of her Catalana.

It doesn't stay that simple. The game is tough, like always. There's a lot of pressure on both sides and it's so fast that she almost would've missed it. But she doesn't.

During a quick stoppage when the lines reset and bodies start shifting into position again she sees it. The German says something, it's quick and low. Just meant for Ona's ears in passing. But the grin is what catches Lucy off guard.

And Ona answers. She is too far away to actually catch the words, but she doesn't need to know what is said to see the way Ona smiles. A smile the younger woman just reserves for her friends and family. For people she knows. There's something between the two that's easy and familiar. Too familiar for Lucy's liking. And before she can help herself she feels that weird knot of jealousy form in her stomach. Lucky for her the whistle blows just then and the game resumes and the moment fades into time like it never existed, the only one that still is hung up on it seems to be her.

She throws herself into the game after that. Even harder than she usually would, like all senses of self-preservation have been turned off. She presses higher, tackles sharper and runs just a bit faster than she needs to and is comfortable with. Every moment is just a tiny bit too much.

It feels better than thinking, well over-thinking. At one point Rauch tries to push past her on the side. She acts more on a mix of instinct and jealously, than clear thinking, as her shoulder makes contact with the Germans. Just enough to make the other woman slow down and stumble for a bit.

Rauch just smiles? It completely throws Lucy off when she sees it. It's not the irritated or frustrated look she had expected. No, she German looks amused with her behavior. She turns away quickly, before she can read into it. Before her brain asks her why that smile feels like it means so much more. Before she can overthink this situation even more.

By halftime Lucy's breathing is harder than it should be and then it usually is. And that's not just from the running, she knows that deep down. It's from that knot in her stomach that refuses to untangle no matter how fast she runs and how hard she tackles. As she walks into the tunnel she doesn't glance at Ona. She doesn't trust herself not to read too much into whatever expression she'd find there.

So as she walks into the locker room and just sits down to calm her breathing she ignores the glances some of her friends throw her way.

She hasn't expected it to be possible and yet somehow the second half is worse. Not because of the football, Barcelona completely controls the ball and the pitch. They're dictating the pace.

It's worse because she can't stop noticing it. She can't stop herself from glancing up every time Rauch drifts near Ona's side. Every time their eyes meet for just a second too long to be classified as strangers or normal opponents. Every time there seems to be recognition past the familiarity of normal opponents who've crossed each other on the pitch before.

It builds over time and is entirely unwelcome as it settles in her stomach and yet it stays there quiet and persistent. Lucy tries to tell herself she's just imagining it. That she's reading too much into nothing. That this is what high-pressure games do. They get you tired and twist your perception, heighten everything until even small things feel way bigger than they are.

She tells herself this all the way till the final whistle finally blows.

Barcelona wins. Of course they do, they always win. The stadium around her erupts as she can hear the Blaugrana fans cheer in the seats around the stadium.

Lucy can feel teammates collide into her, she can feel their arms as they get thrown around her shoulders. Their voices are loud from the relief and adrenaline.

She smiles at them and lets them shake her in excitement. She even laughs when Pina basically jumps on top of Cata. She lets herself get pulled in and lost in the excitement of the win.

But it doesn't quite reach all the way. Deep down the knot in her stomach is still there and it won't untangle. And she keeps on glancing back towards Ona even now as she celebrates.

Finding the younger woman is too easy. Maybe that's half the problem. Maybe Ona's presence is just too magnetic for her, because even in the chaos of players on the pitch finding her is just as easy for her as finding the magnetic north would be for a compass needle.

The Catalana is already moving away from the group all clothed in Blaugrana. Away from her. And she's scanning the Wolfsburg players as she's walking towards them, like she's looking for someone specific. Lucy's steps slow as she watches as Ona adjusts her course and walks directly to her. To Feli Rauch.

Her pulse does something strange that she can't explain. It's a dull thud against her ribs that doesn't match the rhythm of everything else around her.

She tries telling herself it's just normal Post-Match stuff. Showing respect and having conversations. Normal things everyone does. She knows that. Hell she herself does it after almost every game, she always makes it a point to meet people especially if they are friends.

But even with knowing that doesn't stop the ache that tightens her chest as she watches her girlfriend and the German.

Rauch is the first to say something and Lucy can only watch as Onas face shifts. It's the same thing her face does when it looks at someone she cares about a lot. It softens and her eyes crinkle a little. She sees it immediately even if it's almost imperceptible. Lucy would always notice everything about her Spaniard. She knows it before she can watch it happen.

Ona starts laughing, not loud or performative like she sometimes does when she's uncomfortable or for the media. It's the real, quiet laugh. The same one she shares with her teammates on the pitch or with Lucy after a long night.

Immediately everything in Lucy's stomach twists even more and she can't even look away. So she watches as the two step closer and hug. It's a brief and totally normal hug. Nobody else would twice, not even the fans online would look at it like it's more than two people being kind to each other.

But Lucy does, because she sees the way Ona doesn't immediately pull away and because she can see that Rauch's hand presses into Ona's Jersey for a second before they separate. Because somehow it feels like there's unfinished business between the two. Something that Lucy isn't part of and so far isn't privy to know. So she forces herself to look away.

She leaves the pitch quickly and walks into the tunnel. Somehow it feels colder than the pitch and for a second she wonders if there's an AC that's been turned on, or if she just is starting to cool down after all the running and sweating.

Ahead of her she can see some of her teammates. But Lucy walks on autopilot, she nods to the staff in polite greeting, half listens to her teammates so she can answer with quick answers. And yet her mind is stuck on that pitch. On that hug.

As she walks into the locker room she tells herself she won't say anything. It's not worth causing a fight over her being stupid. She's better than feeling insecure about some random German Ona never even mentioned.

She almost manages it. Almost. But only until Ona sits down next to her in the locker room, close enough that their knees brush.

“You were good today.” Ona says sweetly. God she always is so sweet and she talks like nothing is wrong, like everything is normal.

Lucy shrugs, her eyes fixed on her hands. “Yeah.”

Ona glances up and studies her girlfriend for a second. “You don't sound like you believe that?”

“I do.”

“You really don't.”

Lucy draws in a deep breath and then exhales slowly. She can still feel it, the image of them. Ona and Rauch, the way it looked, the way it felt to her.

“You seemed… close?” She ends up saying quietly.

The Spaniard looks a tad bit confused. “Close to what?”

Lucy lets out a short breath and shakes her head. “Don't do that.”

“Luce…?”

“With Rauch.” Her voice is sharper than she intends it to be. She really doesn't want to snap at Ona. Hell she hadn't even planned to bring it up. So a bit quieter she adds. “You guys seemed close.”

Around them the team is chaotic and loud, but the silence between the two lovers stretches for a long second.

“Oh.” Ona speaks so softly and yet the single word lands heavier between them than it should.

“Yeah… oh.” Lucy mutters and stares at her hands.

“It's not… she's just… she's just someone I used to know.” Ona scrambles to say as she sits up straighter, she's frowning slightly.

Lucy laughs, but it doesn't sound happy. It's quiet and dry. Completely lacking any kind of humor or happiness. “Yeah. I can tell.”

That laugh shifts something in the air. They both can feel it.

“What's that supposed to mean?” Ona asks as her expression tightens and Lucy can hear it even without looking up at Ona's face. She hesitates, because she really doesn't want to make it worse. This is the part she didn't want to bring up. The part where she has to admit that this, whatever the hell it is, got under the skin.

“It means I saw you. And I… it just didn't seem like nothing.” Lucy mumbles quietly. She doesn't look up and plays with her fingers. But Ona does and she studies the English woman. Really studies her expression and something in her softens.

“It was one summer.” Ona says softly after a moment. And Lucy can immediately feel her chest tighten. “A summer?” She somehow manages to ask quietly, even though it sounds less like a question and more like a pathetic croak.

“On holiday. Off season.” Ona adds, like that explains it. Maybe it does. Maybe it doesn't. She isn't sure herself. “Before I came back to Barca obviously.”

Lucy nods slowly and listens. “Right?”

“It wasn't serious.”

“Didn't look like that.”

“It wasn't…” Ona immediately says and sighs. “It just happened.”

For a second the Spanish woman feels relieved when Lucy finally looks at her again. But then she says. “You never mentioned it…”

“Cause it didn't matter.” Ona says with her brows furrowed.

“It mattered to her.”

It's quiet between them as they both sit on that and Ona can feel herself hesitate. “Maybe.”

That answer is enough to make that feeling in Lucy twitch again. God it feels horrible. “And you?” She mumbles.

There's a pause, because Ona doesn't answer immediately and that tiny, almost invisible pause feels horrible for Lucy. But then Ona speaks up. “It wasn't the same for me.”

“Right?” Lucy says as her jaw tightens.

“I ended it. Long before it could really turn into something.” The younger brunette says quietly.

The nod from the older woman is sharper this time, it almost feels sarcastic on its own. “Good timing.”

Ona sighs a hint of frustration sneaking into her voice. “Lucy-” “No I am not saying you did anything wrong.” Lucy immediately interrupts her. “I just… I'm not…” The older woman sighs and rubs her forehead. She stops trying to find a clear way to say what she's thinking. Because it sounds stupid out loud. Hell it feels stupid, even now as it just sits heavy in her chest. “I just didn't know.” She finished quietly.

And that's it, that's the truth behind the feelings and all the weird balls of jealousy. Not the hug, not the smiles. Not even the shared history is what really matters. Just the not knowing.

Ona goes still beside her and then carefully she reaches out. Her fingers carefully brush over Lucy's wrist, like she's giving her time to pull away. But thankfully she doesn't.

“I didn't think it mattered anymore.” Ona says softly as their fingers interlace.

Lucy swallows and her thumb subconsciously strokes a circle over Ona’s hand. “It does. A bit.”

“Why?”

The question isn't defensive. She can hear the genuine question and concern in her girlfriend's voice. And that makes it somehow harder. Lucy lets out a deep breath, staring down at their interlaced hands.

“Because she knows something about you that I don't.” She admits quietly. “Because I could see it out there. In the way she looked at you… and I just didn't like not understanding.”

Ona shifts closer. “Look at me.” She says softly and waits till Lucy does. And when their eyes meet Ona's expression is soft and so certain in what she wants. “It wasn't like this. Not even close.”

Lucy quietly searches her face. “No?”

“No.” Ona immediately confirms. A small shake of her head. “It was easy. Temporary. It didn't mean anything beyond the moment of that trip.”

“And now?”

Ona presses her lips together briefly and Lucy knows that her girlfriend is carefully choosing her words. Especially since they're talking in English and not in Spanish.

“Now it's not easy… and definitely not temporary.” Ona’s fingers tighten around Lucy's. “You matter. More than anything that came before this.”

There's no hesitation this time, no uncertainty, just truth and the way Ona says it is so sweet and loving. For the first time since she had seen Feli and Ona on the pitch she feels something loosen in her chest. It's a bit reluctant, like she's not ready to fully let go of the tension yet.

“You could've told me.” She mumbles.

“I could've.”

“You didn't.”

“I didn't think I needed to.” Ona tilts her head slightly and nudges her gently. “I know better now.”

Lucy huffs a breath and chuckles a bit. "Yeah, you do.”

For a second it's quiet between them again, as the chaos of a full locker room happens around them. Ona shifts closer and smiles a bit, as Lucy wraps an arm around her. “I'm here.”

The older woman hums as her fingers gently strokes over her girlfriend's side. She can feel it. Not just the words or the warmth of the Catalanas body.

She can feel the certainty with which Ona says it. That she chooses to be here, with her. Not out there on the pitch, not thinking of the memories of a summer long past. Here.

Lucy smiles softly down at the smaller woman and presses a kiss to a freckled cheek as her grip on the other woman tightens. “Yeah, you are.”

No slow blinking. No stretching and no grumbling into the pillow as she tries to bury herself back into the warmth of her very cozy blankets.

Just sharp and instant awareness that something is off. Her eyes are wide open as she lies there in the darkness of her room and listens. Then there's the sound again.

One floorboard downstairs creaking. She sits up confused and glances around before climbing out of the bed. The house is too silent.

If you had just gotten up from your bed to get water or a snack you would've made way more sound. There's no muffled music, no annoyed muttering as you stumble through the hallway. No noises of disaster that came with you staying at her place since you had started living with her.

She walks through the hallway to check your room, she fully expects to see you there. Tangled in the duvet like you have been every other night this week. One sock half off and your phone propped up on the pillow beside you cause you were watching YouTube as you fell asleep. But the bed is empty.

And when she gets closer to touch it she realizes it's cold. You hadn't been in this bed in a while, long enough for all the body heat to disperse

“Duckie?” She calls out softly into the quiet house while making her way downstairs. But no answer.

The blonde can't help but feel panic set in as the realization sets in.

The blanket is folded back in a way that tells her you have not simply rolled out of it and gone to the bathroom. Your phone is gone. Your hoodie is gone. You left the house in the middle of the night. Alone.

Leah stands in the doorway to the living room for one very long second, staring when she finds it empty as well. Something inside her had clung to hope you just had fallen asleep in front of the TV. Then she turns around to the kitchen and grabs her own phone. Her blood pressure is through the roof as she panics.

“Right.” She mutters to herself as she scrolls down to your contact. “Right. Okay. Fine. Brillant. Just fantastic. Where are you, you menace?”

The dial tone feels like it's going on forever, just beeping but then it goes to voicemail. Of course it does. You wouldn't be the sneaky teenager she took in after your first stupid nightly endeavor if you would have picked up the call.

“Duckie, it’s Leah. Call me back the second you get this. The second. I mean it. I’m not joking, I’m actually not in the mood for this at…” She stops herself from losing it on your voicemail and takes one breath trying to force her voice to sound steadier. “Just ring me back.”

She hangs up but immediately tries again, maybe just maybe you'd pick up this time. Voicemail again.

“Of course.” She mutters pacing now as she clutches her phone tightly. “Of course.”

Her next call is the to the only other person she knows would be awake enough to be useful and helpful with this.

“Leah?” She hears as the groggy voice of Lotte through the phone.

“Have you seen Y/n?”

“At one in the morning?”

“Yes, at one in the morning.”

“No.”

Leah closes her eyes and sighs a bit. “Right. Cheers.”

She hangs up and calls another. Then another. She doesn't even know how many people she called in the end. Teammates from both England and Arsenal. Hell even staff she has no business ringing at this hour. But nobody knows anything.

“No, I haven’t seen her.”

“No, not since training.”

“Wait, is something wrong?”

“I’m sure she’s fine.” A very sleepy sounding Ella Toone says, far too cheerfully for Leah’s liking. “She is a teenager.”

Leah stops pacing and stares at the wall. “That is not comforting Tooney. Not at all.”

By now her thumbs are flying over the screen messages going out into just about group chat she can think of.

‘Has anyone seen Duckie?’

‘i am not joking guys. She's not in the flat.’

‘please answer if you've seen her or know anything.’

Every now and then dots appear and disappear as the replies come in. But nobody knows anything, they just ask her to check the apartment again and if she's sure that the teenager is missing.

Leah sits on the couch with her hands shaking and drags a hand through her blonde hair. “Good.” She mutters annoyed with herself. “I've successfully made everyone else miserable and worried too.”

She still does check the entire house again. The bathroom, the spare room, even behind the fucking sofa like you could've suddenly shrunk yourself down to half your already tiny size and hidden there just out of spite.

But there's no sign of you. No sign of anything. Like you just walked out the door and didn't even think twice about it. That's what makes it worse.

Because she knows you're nor stupidly reckless, nor really. Not in the way that would've made her think you'd just up and vanish without telling anyone. Yes, you're a menace. One with excellent footwork and stealing Leah's hoodies and leaving your boots in the worst places. But you're also a teenager with too much energy and a very anxious brain and a habit of wandering when you need space.

Leah knows that. She probably knows you better than anyone else in your life at this point. Knowing it does not help at all though. You're missing and she doesn't know what to do next. Call the police? Call the club?

Her phone pings with a new message and she unlocks it with shaky and sweaty fingers.

Lucy: found her.

Every movement in her body stops dead. Her heart slams so hard against her ribcage it almost hurts. But the relief floods in as well. Someone knows where you are. It's so much relief that she almost feels dizzy with emotions and relaxation.

Then she reads the next message.

Lucy: she’s at a club. Aggie ratted her out. apparently she's on the kids' second Instagram and saw a story.

Leah stares at the screen like she’s misread it. The information just doesn't want to register in her brain. You? Her shy and very chaotic, but overall good duckie. In a club? At two in the morning? But then the blonde realizes it makes sense. You're seventeen, all your school friends are going out and the last four weeks you had begged to join them at least once on an evening before an off day.

“Of course she is.” She mutters. And if you had been there to hear her voice you would've known how much trouble you were going to be in for this stunt. It went flat in that dangerous, controlled way that means she is absolutely not calm and ready to lock you into a room for days. “Of course she is.”

Another message pops up while she tries calming herself down at least a bit.

Lucy: I’m getting her.

Keira: with me

Leah exhales slowly through her nose and texts them back a thumbs up. Then she sinks onto the couch and drags a hand down her face. “Brilliant. Fantastic. Love that for me.”

The music is loud enough to feel in your bones with every single beat. And there's lights that flash across the room in bursts of colour.

There's so many people all pressed together dancing, laughing and talking so loud.

Everything is just a bit too much and too loud and drowns out all the worries and noise inside your usually busy brain.

Deep down you know you shouldn't be here. You knew that even before you left the flat. You knew it when your friends texted. You knew it when you had stepped into the club and felt the first beats and the bass inside your body.

But for a few hours it worked and was amazing. There was no pressure and no expectations. Just you and a lot of noise.

You don't notice them at first as they make their way their through the crowd. But your friends do. Their conversations get quieter and stop, someone's head turns and then someone next to you whispers “Wait is that?”

It's only than that you turn and immediately you know you're done for. Your stomach drops straight down to your shoes. Because walking through the crowd looking like she wants to shut the whole place down and beat up the bouncer who let you in, is Lucy Bronze.

Right behind her, equally unimpressed and with her arms folded over her chest, as she keeps her eyes trained in you, is Keira Walsh.

You freeze immediately and glance around nervously. There is no escape route, no way you can get away from them.

Lucy stops directly in front of you and raises one eyebrow. She doesn't raise her voice as she speaks, she doesn't need to.

“Outside.” She says her voice is quiet and pressed. You open your mouth and try to defend yourself. “Lucy… I….”

“Outside.” She repeats. This time it has more bite and you shut your mouth immediately. Your friends around you have gone very, very quiet. None of them want to get between an angry Lucy Bronze and you.

One of them even gives you a look that is half sympathy and half you're so gonna die. You don't argue, not wanting to get yourself in even more trouble. You follow the two Chelsea players quietly and try not to cry as you think about how much trouble you're gonna be in.

The cold air outside the club hits you like a slap the second you step outside. As the doors close behind you the music immediately dulls behind you and is replaced by the quietness and hum of the street. Immediately you can also hear the rush of your blood in your ears.

Lucy turns on you immediately as she leads you to the car. “What.” She says, her voice slow and pressed out as she speaks. She was clearly trying to control her anger. “Are you doing?”

You swallow nervously. “I just…”

“No.” She cuts you off and gives you a little glare. “Try again.”

You glance at Keira like she might save you, even though you know she won't. She's just as mad as Lucy. Instead the redhead just raises an eyebrow unimpressed with your behavior. “Go on.”

“I came out with friends?” You offer weakly, but you know it won't help you.

Lucy stares at you, like she can't believe what she's hearing and seeing. “Do you know what time it is?”

“…Yes.”

“Do you know how many people we just woke up trying to find you?”

That question makes you flinch and you look down at the pavement as your cheeks burn with embarrassment.

Lucy just takes a step closer to you. She didn't shout but her voice made it so clear she was disappointed and serious about what she was saying. Somehow that feels way worse.

“Leah thought something had happened to you.”

“I didn’t mean t-”

“I don't care what you meant to do.” Lucy says, her voice sharper now. “You disappeared. Your phone is off. You didn't tell anyone where you were. You're a teenager in a senior football team and you just fucking disappeared, acting like it doesn't matter.”

“It does matter.” Keira adds quietly but firmly. She clearly is just as disappointed but isn't gonna yell at you while Lucy does.

“I know.” You mumble, but Keira huffs and glances at you, her head tilting slightly. “Do you? Because this doesn't look like you do.”

You don't have an answer for her and just stare at the pavement again, while Lucy exhales to keep her anger in check, before she mumbles. “Get in the car.”

When you don't move immediately she adds a “Now” while judging you to the door making you climb inside.

The car ride is worse. Way worse. There's no music, so there's absolutely no distraction. The silence is pressing on you from all sides as all you hear is your breathing and the hum of the car on the road.

Neither of the women says a thing, which makes it even worse. You can just feel the anger and disappointment in the air and you know that nothing will change that very quickly. They're mad and annoyed with you. Mad that you got yourself into this situation and annoyed you made them get up in the middle of the night to get you.

Lucy's driving and Keira is in the passenger's seat. And you? You're all by yourself in the backseat and you feel really small. Like you're suddenly twelve years old again, being driven home by your parents after you got into a fight at school instead of a seventeen year old who is playing football at the highest level.

For a while nobody speaks until Lucy suddenly starts. “Do you understand that this isn't about you going out?” She asks, her eyes still fixed on the road and you're suddenly very glad she is driving so you can't feel her angry glare on you.

You stare at your shoes. “Yeah.”

“Then explain your thought process to me.”

You huff a bit as your brain scrambles to come up with an answer. “I just wanted a break. I couldn't sleep and I…”

“So you went to a club?” It sounds utterly ridiculous when she says it like that. So you offer another sentence. “My friends texted?”

“At two in the morning?” Keira asks with an annoyed huff.

“.... Yeah?”

Keira turns slightly in her seat to look back at you now. She looks so disappointed that it feels much worse than Lucy being angry at you earlier, you could feel the guilt pool in your stomach as she speaks. “You could've texted someone.”

“I didn't wanna wake anyone up.” You mumble quietly, which earns you a scoff from Lucy.

“So instead you let us all think you were missing.”

You flinch and immediately your gaze drops to the floor again. “I didn't think-” “No.” Lucy interrupts you. “You clearly didn't.”

The silence falls over the car again and it feels heavier than before, you really felt horrible but they were so mad. What could you even do?

Then quieter Lucy speaks again. “You can't just disappear like that. Not with who you are. Not with the position you're in.”

You blink a bit to get rid of the stinging in your eyes as tears form. You know that logically. You shouldn't do crazy stuff because if people recognize you, they could post it or try to take advantage of you. You're not a normal 17 year old after all. You're a lioness and Arsenal's Stargirl as the fans nicknamed you, even if all you want is to be normal and unrecognizable. Leah had that talk with you before in hopes to keep you safe, she had been so gentle and sweet about it. Clearly she had tried to not make you feel horrible as she crushed your dreams of a normal teenage life with her words.

Keira, who had glanced back at you a few times during the car ride, softens slightly. “We're not saying you can't have a life. But this? This is reckless and not okay.”

You nod a tiny bit, because there's not much else you can do, you do add a quiet mumble of “I'm sorry.”

Lucy doesn't answer straight away and Keira just nods, but then Lucy sighs. “You're going to say that to Leah as well. And you're not gonna make a fuss with whatever punishment she decides on. You're gonna be good and listen to her and not cause more trouble. She's already stressed enough.”

Your stomach twists with guilt as she reminds you of that. Leah had been so stressed recently. Between the lionesses, Arsenal and being in Captain/ Vice Captain positions on both teams she had a ton of meetings. But she was also in ads and had interviews and Photoshootings. She was working on her next children's book, and was struggling with her Endometriosis more than usual recently. And on top of that she was trying to keep you out of trouble. “I know.”

—

The front door opens before you can even knock at it. Leah is there and she looks horrible. Like she hasn't slept at all and instead cried. She looked so frazzled, still clutching her phone in her hand and her hair a mess in a loose bun. She was wearing the same hoodie as in training today, clearly she had just thrown on the first hoodie had found.

Before you can say anything her eyes scan you up and down. It's completely quiet between you two. You just don't know what to do or say. She has that look. That Leah look she has when she is angry and disappointed but also relieved nobody got hurt. You hate it when she looks at you like that.

But in the end she exhales shakily and pulls you into her arms. “You're alive.”

You curl closer and nod a tiny bit into her shoulder. “Yeah… I am sorry, Leah.”

She closes her eyes again to collect herself but when she opens them again she nods a bit and nudges you into the house. “Inside. Now. And you're so definitely grounded. You're not leaving my sight for the next month.”

You immediately go inside not wanting to make her even angrier. She nudges you to your bedroom so you can change and while she does so Lucy and Keira quietly say goodbye to drive back to their place.

Leah stands by the door while you get ready for bed and suddenly says. “You know you'll be in so much trouble tomorrow. I rang everyone, even trainers. You're probably gonna have to run a lot of laps and you better not complain.”