having brainworms about trans!ryan in my au (long post below cut)
- the yankees hat he wears is from his dad, but it was given to adam first. adam doesn't wear hats really so he gave it to ryan, who immediately fell in love with his new barrier of defense against the world. it was a comfort item, made him feel better whenever he wore it (later realizing bc he felt more like his dad whenever it was on).
- wears that hat almost 24/7 (except for later on stage to not clash with jack's hat). after YEARS he retires the faded yankees hat and keeps it safe in his closet for the neotheater promo hat (yes THE neotheater hat). that becomes his favorite. no other hat can compare. its *his*. his work, his band, his hat, his identity.
- when he loses the neo hat on a plane (which actually did happen to irl ryan) its a period of uncomfortableness. he doesn't want to return to the yankee cap because that was an old part of him that he doesn't align with anymore, but a new hat wouldn't feel right. change is forced upon him and he hates it.
- enough about the hat. love, as with any au i put him in, is difficult. he questions himself constantly, questions what love is constantly, and often finds himself turned down because of the whole trans thing.
- childhood besties with alba. it just feels right to have them be best friends. they are EXTREMELY close (think stereotypical girl best friends) and him transitioning never changed that. later on, when she and jack are together, that closeness is... difficult to navigate at first. ryan isn't big on his brother dating his best friend, and jack isn't really big on his girlfriend being casually affectionate with ryan. they work it out.
- he had to relearn how to sing after starting t. very frustrating. jack did his best to try and help give lessons.
- tries not to be envious of his brothers but the envy seeps through regardless, not so much in a jealous way but more of "they're so lucky to not have extra steps to be themselves" (see: joe. that song drips gender envy)
- he comes out to adam first, who already knew. not wanting to leave the other brother out, he tells jack second, who takes a second to think and goes "okay, cool. wanna hear about xyz". surprisingly, he tells his mom before his dad, purely because the band was becoming more serious and a proper "business". her reaction was interesting, mostly she was "glad" to label the band as brothers instead of siblings (better from a marketing standpoint). wasn't very respectful of actually seeing ryan as her son, thought it was an act to be more like his brothers, but went along with it with hopes of getting the band more success.
- his dad was the last to know and it was a long anxiety inducing conversation (from ryan's perspective). it all boiled down to "if you 100% are certain then i will support you no matter what"
- lots of trans references in songs that could be interpreted in other ways (helped to get his feelings out while staying stealth)
- when the band got more popular and fans started digging up older music videos and recordings, he panics. he and his brothers work endlessly to scrape what history they have from the internet of pre-transition him. its exhausting. (ryan kicks himself for not thinking about doing it sooner before the band grew in popularity)
- show days while binding is TOUGH. he doesn't follow the 8-10 hr rule and risks his health a lot more than he should. stuck on a years long waiting list for top surgery and prays that the band sells enough tickets and merch to fund it when the time comes
- wears button ups and hawaiian shirts bc the collar hides his binder (a regular tee the neck is too wide). is THRILLED to finally unbutton a button or two after he no longer needs it.
- very proud of his scruffy facial hair and nobody can take that pride away from him (despite jack teasing him). was a little nervous to grow it out at first.
- feels immense cowardice and guilt for going stealth. at meet n greets, lots of queer fans share their stories and he has to smile and nod while his story eats him away from the inside.
- finally decides he can't take it anymore and "comes clean". he can't look at social media and makes jack hit the post button for him. after bravely looking at his notifications hours later, he is met with overwhelming support and love from the fanbase
