NecromAnswers

I’d like to think that I’m a good role model for myself. 17th century me in particular has been one of my biggest influences. However, if you’d like for me to select from a list of “modern” necromancers, I’d say my role model is Professor Egon Spengler. 

His ability to delve into the hard science of the supernatural and mix it with his understanding of arcane sorcery is impressive enough, but his ability to function as the head of a small business and pillar of the local community is what sets him above the rest.

While he wears a flesh mask to pass for human, the shape of his skull is often visible just beneath the thin veil of mortality. The frames of his glasses help disguise the outline of his pitted eye sockets, but his glamour is the least convincing of his sorceries. He augments this by posing as a professional exorcist, allowing him and his so-called “ghostbusters” access to the undead and keeping them above suspicion at all times.

Wears a white robe cleverly disguised as a lab coat.

Admirable traits about the Dread Lord Spengler:

Uses strange artefacts (the so-called PKE meter) to gaze into spirit world

Demonstrated dominion over shades, spectres, poltergeists, etc. which he keeps in stockpiles in his lair for future experimentation

Befriends creatures of the netherplane, not least of which Slimer, but also noted daemon Bill Murray

Dabbles in fields of science and metaphysics beyond mortal ken, without fear of harming broad swathes of the local mortal population

Maintains an impressive fortress, fortified in the centre of a city gripped by constant supernatural panic

Drives a dread conveyance fuelled by the shrieking the souls of the damned

We’ve spoken before about the NecromAnswers apprenticeship program for talented sorcerers, but clearly interest remains high among those who would benefit from our infernal tutelage. We’re proud to announce the continuation of our efforts to help disadvantaged would-be masters of the arcane through a new apprenticeship that we’re calling the NecromAnswers Disinternship Program.

How to apply:

Carve http://www.necromanswers.com into your chest with a sharp knife.

Stand directly above a six-foot long hole in the ground. See Fig. 1.

Gently coax your soul out of your body, ideally using hemlock, nightshade, or any means that will not compromise your bodily integrity.

Attempt to steer your new corpse directly into the open grave. Ensure your arms and legs are within the grave.

Fig. 1: Pictured above, a typical application for a necromantic apprenticeship.

Check out our FAQ below!

1. Why disinternships?

We found that, passionate though they claimed to be about necromancy, few graduates of our Summer Camp for Skilful Sorcerers were willing to make the plunge and go for full lichedom. We've decided to cut out the middleman and only teach those who are already dead.

2. What guarantee do we have that we won’t be resurrected to perform menial tasks as a skeleton?

Not to worry, skeletons are terrible at menial tasks; their bony fingers lack the grip necessary to carry trays or make tea. In the event that your undead husk is to be used eternally as some low rent servant, it will almost certainly be as a ghoul or zombie.

3. How do I know you won’t leave me (for) dead?

We prefer not to think of this as “death,” it’s just the first step on the long and enriching journey into unlife. Besides, no competent necromancer would never waste a free corpse. That would just be wasteful.

4. Will I be required to fashion my own phylactery ahead of time?

No, that will not be necessary. We wouldn’t have you waste precious mana on such a pointless exercise!

5. … but how will you ensure that our souls can be safely recovered from the netherplane when our bodies are resurrected?

Greetings, lichedom-inclined adventurer!

Unfortunately, you have made the all-too typical mistake of believing the liche with whom you’ve allied yourself to be a “friend.” Sadly, you’ve misread the intent; the relationship between necromancer and mortal is most closer to that of “investor” than friend. While the careful necromancer will try to ensure your safety and loyalty, it is with the ultimate goal of maximising your usefulness as a resource1 later. After all, what good is your skeleton if you go and get bundle of your bones crushed in some crass misadventure.

Given that you would like to continue in “better shape […] than a lich,” I am pleased to report that that is very likely (as long as your list of things in better shape than a lich includes zombies, skeletons, ghouls, mummies, and twisted phantasms).

Still, it’s not all bad news. You can rest assured that you will be bound to this plane eternally, but you may also need to recalibrate your expectations for future “adventuring”:

Shambling

Fetching spell components and grimoires

Carving vast glyphs into the hilltops surrounding your “friend’s” lair

Disinterring the deceased so that they can become vital2 component in a growing undead horde

Fighting off hordes of the undead3

P.S. Please excuse the recent break in our service. We had become disenchanted and it was necessary to marshal the dread energies of the underworld to facilitate a return to power.

1. Corpse

2. Though lacking any vitality

While many necromancers scoff at the idea of a widespread zombie event without a powerful sorcerer at its head, we can examine the concept in the abstract. In the event of an attack by, for example, plague zombies, the average necromancer stands to gain tremendously. Remember always that the humble liche is immune to the pathogens that would reduce a mortal to a zombie. Moreover, the abundance of corpses should ensure easy access to the raw materials necessary for necromantic study.

It is hard to picture a scenario in which the necromancer does not benefit from a necrotic horde that does not already find itself under the control of a sorcerer.

Fig. 1: The slightest slip can reveal to your co-workers that you’re not just another work-a-day joe like them. Guard your sorcerous tongue!

Still, despite it not being the question you asked, I’m most impressed by your offhand reference to the fact that you maintain an office job despite your status as liche in his eighth century. If nothing else, our readers can learn from you the extent of an elder-liche’s power. Many necromancers could learn from your approach.

Rather than seclude yourself, blind the mortals you work with, use your dark rituals to shroud yourself and befriend them. Invite them to your black tower to feast at the charnel barbecue. Ask if they’ll help you “move house” and then utilise their labour in the construction of your shadow crypt. There is often no good substitute for fleshed-fingers, conscript your co-workers so that their supple skin can be put to work cataloguing of grimoires in your forbidden library!

Ah, gone are the days when a four-century stay in a hilltop manor were something a liche could expect to get away with. Now, four centuries is considered an almost suspiciously long stretch! Still, there are (non-magical) avenues available to you that can help ameliorate the issues brought on by accurate paperwork and digital records.

Have you considered the many opportunities offered by a career in law enforcement?

Fig. 1: Above, a totally ordinary police constable on the beat. One would never suspect that he is also… a necromancer.

That’s right! Thanks to the average human’s inability to distinguish between faces in uniform, a powerful liche such as yourself can easily rise through the ranks of the local constabulary and divert any unwanted attention away from your dread fortress. From now on, the only prying eyes trying to get a look at your business will belong to the scrying orbs of rival sorcerers desperate to steal from your black library.

Moreover, necromancers are already adept at taking advantage of the internal power structure of any unholy cabal; once you’re on the force, you should quickly ascend to the top of their hierarchy, giving you all the access you need to slowly erase any and all records that might lead nosy, human police to investigate your stronghold. If you’re feeling particularly enterprising, you could also just install some ghouls on the force, after all, they’d help cut down on crime.

There is no better deterrent than the constant threat of being seized by a team of feral subhumans. By the time you’re done, they’ll be afraid to go out at night at all.

In cases like this, I always find it useful to consider the counterpoint. You feel as though the modern magical world is leaving you behind, but have you considered that this may be a good thing? As a liche, what have you really gained from modern magic? Be honest, when was the last time you used a spell that was less than five hundred years old?

Fig 1: Above left, a pathetic illusionist, holding a worthless illusory orb. You could always throw it at someone, but it is, of course, weightless. 

If there’s one thing that necromancy has, it’s staying power. Interrogating the spirits of the dead has been a noble tradition for as long as things have been dying, now is not the time to cross-skill into a lesser art of the arcane. Consider any of the more recent additions to the tree of mysteries… do you think we’re still going to be seeing illusionists in two centuries’ time?1 Do you remember around the 18th century, when everyone wanted to be an enchanter? Whatever happened to all those mentalists and mesmerists?

None of this is to say that you shouldn’t diversify. It’s great that you’re interested in fitting in with the ephemeral world around you, but remember that there’s a very good reason the necromancer has a reputation for retiring to a crypt for centuries at a time, communicating with the outside world only by means of undead messengers and human thralls.

Still, if you’re determined to “keep up” with the world around you, you may do better to take an interest in more mundane arts. Thanks to their familiarity with darkened, dank environments and eyes used to the eldritch flares of other planes, a liche can often find a healthy sideline in DJing. Your hideous, undead appearance will also help you to establish yourself in the local rave scene.

The newer branches of magic though? Fads, rubbish, they’ll never catch on. Magic is ephemeral, rave is forever.

This is an excellent question! While you’re technically correct in that liches can live forever, what you need to keep in mind is that many liches have minds too addled by their own spellcraft to keep a low profile. There is solid foundation to the stereotype of a liche too intent on his own babbling to notice that a hero has slipped his bonds and is approaching the black altar.

The truth is that we hit peak liche sometime in the middle ages, not long after the Black Death swept across Europe. As every dark sorcerer knows, plagues are a boon to practitioners of the necromantic arts. Unfortunately, a particularly virulent strain can also threaten the living necromancer.1 As a result of the unusually high volume of deaths, the boundary between our world and the shadowlands of the afterlife was weakened. The combination of mortal danger and easy ascension to lichedom ensured that many necromancers who would otherwise failed were able to bind their souls to this plane.

Moreover, after the plague there was a glut of bodies to work with, and far fewer people left to spot the tentative liche at his delicate work. Consider also the relatively high number of villages and isolated hilltop houses (or towers) from which a necromancer could work while still having access to fresh bodies.

Now, of course, the average liche is under more immediate threat from things as mundane as bureaucracy. The world has become so thoroughly documented that these days it’s quite difficult for a liche to do something as seemingly simple as fake his own death every seventy years and reappear a few months later as a “lost son” to claim the family estate. Too many death lords have failed to modernise and so been sent to a premature final death.

Less powerful or careful liches are apprehended every day. The close proximity of modern living has made it more likely for mortals to sense the dread aura of the dedicated sorcerer. As ever, the issue is compounded by profession’s characteristic hubris. Just the other day, I saw a necromancer apprehended because of a careless tweet…2

It is possible that the number of liches continues to grow, but so secretly that even the liches themselves aren’t aware of it, but it’s unlikely.

You just need to keep in mind that you can dramatically extend you lifespan with a good liche plan.

1. Despite being a master of the arcane, the average necromancer is still subject to the frailties of living flesh.

For every necromancer, there comes a day that he must accept that even lichedom has its limitations. Much as I expect to live forever, there are still ways and means by which I may be dispatched and banished from this plane. It is in consideration of these possibilities that most necromancers will choose a promising mortal and teach them the forbidden lores of our craft.

Few mortals are brave or audacious enough to contact a liche directly. Many are deterred by the plague miasma or the necrotic aura. Still others venture forth only to have the life crushed from them by the array of wards and traps set in place by the tomb kings. Few have the ingenuity to avoid these things through the careful use of the face book.1

As the secret knowledge passes from one generation to the next, I ask only that the rest of you, able necromancers all, welcome my new apprentice, Charlie. I have no doubt that he will work fell magics beyond even my wildest ambitions.

It’s good to see liches taking an interest in the environment; too many modern necromancers take the attitude that there’s plenty of dead material to last us almost indefinitely even if all life on earth dies out. The reality of the situation is that, in a dark future in which all life has been extinguished, the Earth will doubtless be plagued by the undead legions of powerful necromancers as they vie for ultimate dominion over a planet of the dead.

The supply is not inexhaustible. 

Of course, the connection between necromancy and the environment has been thoroughly explored by more capable necromancers than myself. Famed dark wizard and head of the college of necromancy, Albus Dumblegore has often pointed out that necromancy has a net-positive effect on the environment.

This is the basis of his bestselling grimoire (and box office smash hit) A Convenient Truth; by raising the bodies of the dead and preserving them through painstaking reanimation, you prevent all of that nasty carbon from seeping back out into the environment. Think of all the nasty greenhouse gases trapped in the average horde of zombies! The very act of necromancy itself acts to preserve the environment in its current state, teeming with life that you will later have the opportunity to raise from the dead, continuing the all-important cycle.

More than that, there are subtle clues hidden in Dumblegore’s work, indicating that you might use the very agents of climate change in your necromancy. Bend the smog to your will, use it in your most powerful spellcrafting, gaze into the vortex and draw from it the powers you require.

Fig. 1: Pictured above, the pollution vortex from which Albus Dumblegore draws his necromantic energy, maintaining the fragile balance between life and death for an entire planet.

Your necromancy is already more than environmentally sustainable, you’re actively encouraging a better earth for us all. Keep up the good work.

Ah, but you’d miss those wretched adventurers. I mean, the faces are different every time, but they’ve always got a paladin or some such who thinks they’ve got faith enough to turn the undead away from them. The truth will always be the same… necromancy wins out in the end.

Liches play the long game, the quiet one of sure investment. We wait for the slow accretion of years to weaken our enemies, to rob them of their vigour, until eventually we can animate the corpses of those who once stood against us. Safe for ten thousand years? What is ten thousand years to the ageless, to the deathless? A good liche needs to be utterly exempt the the inevitable march of time. 

Fig. 1: Pictured above, a Lich using a tweezers to inspect the remaining portion of a decaying phylactery (not visible in photograph).

Consider this, your peer has used a substance that is slowly undergoing radioactive decay. Because such a substance is slowly haemorrhaging precious subatomic particles, his phylactery is gradually undergoing a transformation at the atomic level. With every passing year, a greater proportion of the vessel for his damned soul is decaying, becoming something else entirely. What effect will this have on its ability to house his spirit?1

Having people try endlessly to destroy you is one of the greatest pleasures undeath has, don’t sacrifice it in the name of “security.”

Treasure the treasure hunters.

Well, let’s focus on the positive for now, you’re already a wizard of some ability, you’re familiar with the arcane. If we’re honest with one another, you’re already using some magic to keep your spine straight, stop your teeth from decaying, and so forth (don’t be ashamed, we all do it). I know of far too many tarnished-skulled liches who’ve neglected some magical preservatives at a key time.

What you need isn’t for someone to answer the questions you’ve posed. That’s not even what you really want. When you say you don’t want to become a liche, it tells me that what you need isn’t aid in the application of necromantic magic… No, you’re after a dedicated (un)life-coach. You need someone to give you that final push into the life-after-death that you deserve. You’ve worked long and hard at the magic, time to reap the real rewards

The NecromAnswers Unlife Coach program has the advice you need to deal with wizards who aren’t giving you the respect you deserve.

Where you’ll really benefit from the transition to lichedom is that you’ll find any issues around your looks will suddenly melt away.1 With your newly acquired dread aura and plague miasma, other wizards you associate with will never be able to make you feel invisible again. Indeed, they’ll likely have a very difficult time ignoring you; your very presence will be an affront to their thaumaturgically-attuned senses. Their minds will not allow them to look upon you without a sense of revulsion. You'll never be invisible again!

If you buy a full decade of unlife coaching, we’ll throw in a tasteful choice of five popular phylacteries absolutely free. Consider all that could be yours. Below is an artist’s impression of how happy you could be if you were to spend just one century with our talented team of unlife coaches.

Fig 1. Above, you, only happier, and better looking... eternally.

As I’m sure you’re aware, it’s not enough to be able to simply cast spells. Many an ambitious necromancer has been consumed by the errant powers of a dweomer or curse beyond his control after flubbing a syllable of an otherwise perfectly simple chant. Things only get more difficult when you’re bargaining with creatures of the hellplane in their guttural nethertongue.1

As a result of this necessary talent with the fast-spoken utterances of the crypt, many necromancers (and even liches) enjoy healthy careers as rappers in their downtime. After all, Tupac has continued to hold concerts long after his death. Of course his agent claims it’s a series of complex holograms, but the telltale blue-white sheen of the shade is about him. His essence has yet to depart this plane.

Still, not all liches can be as talented as Tupac; we’re not all going to be shackling our ethereal spirit forms to the earth forever. You’ll have to settle for some more mundane advice. It’s not enough that you learn your incantations, you’ve got to be able to spit necromantic spells such swiftness and confidence that you don’t even need flesh and blood to do it. The most common ways of doing this are by either:

Using flesh transplanted from zombies/ghouls and planted in your own mouth, reanimated and under the control of your necromantic power.

The implementation of a “ghost voice,” the use of magics that allow the lich to shape sounds using force of will alone. This is trickier and requires more conversation.

As you might guess, there are still cantrips that can only be cast with the aid of a (wretched) living mouth. It is for this purpose that many liches employ a thrall to act as a conduit for their dark magics. We would suggest you cultivate such an agent while you have the power of speech, the better to bind him to your will.

Don’t be too surprised. You are, after all, mostly dead. The subtle magicks that animate your husk cannot preserve your appearance. Consider the waste if every necromancer were to spend their power on dweomers and glamours, o enchant those they meet. There’s already little enough arcane power to go round, best not waste it on frivolous spellcasting.

Don’t worry, though. There are mundane means by which your flesh may be preserved. Skin may be tanned into a fine leather, to be worn over the necromancer’s exposed skull as a kind of fashionable cowl. Thanks to my extensive experience in the field, I was fortunate enough to be asked to assist on both of the last presidential campaigns.1

Fig. 1: Long live the Obamamancer.

The biggest issue you’ll encounter is that there is no standard range of beauty products made for the liche concerned about the long term effects of undeath on the once-mortal visage. You’ll need bespoke tailoring for your new skin, an experienced and patient hand.

Ideally, you’ll need to consult someone with extensive experience in the field. Someone with the right skills and qualifications, as well as access to a number of thaumaturgic compounds and crèmes, can help you to blend in with the rest of the human cattle for another few decades, if not centuries.

If you’re looking for such a craftsman, look no further… I am a well-respected taxidermatologist.

There are no meeting for necromancers. As a rule, they fear that sort of organisation. For some things, you’ll find that the mortal solution is surprisingly effective once you know where to look. The Yelp reviews of local graveyards and mortuaries should provide just about everything you need to start meeting necromancers in your area.

Naturally, you’ll find the biggest complaint most accomplished necromancers have with any burial ground is that it’s already inhabited by too many lower-ranking undead:

Above: A review of a local graveyard written by a popular local necromancer.

Of course, this introduces the issue of undead gentrification. Portal tombs and dolmens acquire a kind of cultural caché out of all proportion with their use. I mean, think about it, you might be at the most fashionable place in town, but if you’re spending all your time at the Ossuary, all you’re raising is skellingtons. They’re pretty cool and all, but nobody wants to be stuck with them all the time.

Anyway, the lesser orders of undead congregate around those places as soon as it’s known that they’re in vogue. Before you know it, there are vampires there, bleating about being the aristocracy of the night, and splashing their wine glasses full of blood all over your nice robes. Nothing gets those blood stains out.

Above: Some sample reviews of other local burial grounds by more necromancers.

If you’d rather meet necromancers in your area through the comfort of your own home, there’s always NecrOKcupid, as described in a previous post. Alternatively, there’s still plenty of time for you to join MySpace. The MySpace necromantic community has been seeing a huge upswing in the last few months. Now, I know what you’re thinking, MySpace has been dead for years…

Once every week or so, I get a message like this from the cloistered high-society of the nigromancers. It’s embarrassing.

I will tell you the same thing now as I’ve told you every other time. I’m not like you; I didn’t build a black library using daddy’s money and raise the bodies donated to me by wealthy benefactors. I didn’t have the gold to construct a vaned tower to harness the stygian currents of magic. I learned my sorcery on the streets, in the necropolis. Down there, it’s kill or be killed, raise or be raised. I’m proud of my roots, and you dusty old fuckers will never know what that means.

Fig 1. Pictured above, the skellington who asked this question. Not pictured, inferior necromancer master.

Do I advertise my liche status for the “respect and adoration” of “pathetic followers?” Absolutely, having a hearty band of followers means never having to ask where the next corpse is coming from. It alleviates so much of the strain of the modern necromancer’s unlife. You’d know all of this if you were living in the same worlds as the rest of us.

Given your reference to your “master,” I take it you’re writing on behalf of some other thaumaturge. Sounds like a powerful necromancer indeed if he’s hiding behind one of his own minions… Look, if you want to throw in with a real liche, just give me a shout and we’ll work something out. I don’t offer any pay, and I may dispell the magics that hold you together at a whim, but at least you’d be in better company.

I’m not afraid of any confrontation with your existing master, we’ll disenchant his phylactery and banish the soul that animates his husk to the netherplane where it belongs.

While it’s impossible to make an accurate diagnosis from a distance, my initial suspicion is that you are likely the victim of some sort of hex. Typically, the literature suggests that these might be placed on you by either a local witch or by a kind of gypsy shaman (as in the case of the infamous “thinner” curse). Think long and hard on your recent acquaintances. Do any of them fit the bill?

Now, first things first, your predilection for the callipygean is not unique. Indeed, many necromancers hold the same fascination.1 Consider this; the average necromancer spends most of his time with skeletons, skellingtons, ghouls, wights, mummies, vampires, and zombies. While each wonderful in their own ways, these are not creatures renowned for their full figures, so to speak. Moreover, the wraiths and spectres that may immediately have “sprung” to mind are intangible and hardly count.

Is it any surprise that so many necromancers can’t get their mind off the behind? Could it be that you simply refer to the natural necromantic love for butts?

If you are suffering from the callipygean curse, the enormous incantation, the gluteus glamorious, and I’m afraid there is no disenchantment. I wish I could prescribe some counter-spell to you, some cure for this buttocks-based-bewitchment, this seat-sealed sorcery, but it is beyond me. You are damned to be forever lost to the allure of the derriere.

Remember, you’ve bounced back from worse than this. Whenever it gets you down, just remember; baby got back… from the dead!