rare and beautiful

I felt the weight of several planets lift off my shoulders when Simon came to my desk this morning. I really appreciate that he came to check everything was okay because he knows how much this one particular case is making me feel stressed and sick. I've lost sleep over this idiot. Simon is such a good egg though and him being a former resi person makes it so much easier. It's nice to hear someone senior agreeing with us that the agents can get fucked and stop telling us how to do our jobs. I feel marginally more able to face the day now

For the first time in my career, an email from a client has made me cry. I've had to step away from my desk and stand outside so I don't lose it in the office. This poor woman has just got divorced (husband was an absolute cunt) and she's now selling to move back to her home county. She's doing it all by herself and her words were "I feel a bit lost to be honest" and it was like being stabbed because I understand her completely. Starting over when you thought you had everything figured out is fucking awful. Losing a relationship you thought was forever and having to figure out how to do everything alone is a different kind of pain. I want to move fucking mountains for this woman, I want to do everything I can to help her. She's really got under my skin today and now I cannot stop crying

I finally stopped avoiding Mr B and had a vape with him this morning. He is the most interesting man I've ever met in my life and my God he makes me feel so dumb in the best way

I'm fucking sad for next to no reason. I've spent the last four days with absolutely no human contact and coming back to work was a shock to the autistic system. I feel like I'm experiencing overstimulation on a level I never thought possible. I honestly want to fucking rip off my own skin because having it in my body is absolutely too much and I feel disgusting. I want to go home and shower and then get into bed with the cat curled up on my pillow and sleep until it's tomorrow

I got through all of mcr last night and didn't cry once. I was just so fucking happy to be there. But this morning in the cold light of day, back in reality, every photo and video I see of last night is making me sob. My heart aches but I'm happier than I've ever been. I want to do it again and again. I've never had that much fun at a gig. Never had anything mean so fucking much. So from 31 year old me to 11 year old me - in the closet, repressed and terrified...we did it kiddo. We got to see our favourite band twice. But this time we did it as the man we've always been. I stood and screamed every word to every song on that album last night for the kid that was so scared nothing would ever be okay. I was side by side with my best friend watching the most incredible show ever put together and it healed the person who never thought he'd fit in or be accepted. It was never a phase. I'm 100% back to my skinny jeans, dressing in black stage and I hope I'm doing this until I'm old and gray. Thank you my chem for the last 20 years of pure fucking magic. I love you more than I'll ever find the words to say

I laughed so hard during DnD that I cried actual tears. I hadn't hung out with this bunch of idiots in a month and I had missed them so so much. I love my Tuesday nights they genuinely put me in such a good mood for the rest of the week