my blog got frozen

Couple this with the fact that I actually was a blossoming bi-disaster.  Me, not understanding girls or boys, trying to understand feelings I didn’t know there were words for.  I used to get flutters in my chest when a girl braided my hair or put makeup on me.  I would get flustered when a boy spoke to me or did something kind for me.  I could not differentiate between friendship and attraction.  I was best friends with everyone and in love with everyone.  I thought this all was normal, and I get well into college before I realize otherwise.  I go through heartbreak when my friend starts dating a guy, and I’m so confused by it I think that I must be jealous of her.  I thought I must have a crush on the guy (turns out I had a crush on her).

Couple THAT with the fact that I fall somewhere on the ace spectrum.  I’m having feelings for all kinds of folks but they’re never turning into thoughts of “oh I’d have sex with that person.”  So I think maybe I’m not really in love with anyone, because if I was I would want to be intimate with them.  When I finally learn what sex really is I lose interest in it.  It seems unnecessary to me.  I begin to think I’m a prude or that I’m broken in some way, especially when friends I had start getting married and having kids.

Couple THAT with the fact that I’m non binary.  I’ve always simultaneously loved and hated my body.  Some days I’d be pleased with myself, wanting to wear cute girly clothes.  Some days I hate everything about myself, and try to hide in the bathroom when changing for PE so others don’t have to look at me.  In middle school I wore the boy’s uniform every day.  I wore my PE clothes under my uniform so I would not have to get undressed to change.  I go through fits of wishing I was a boy, or being so thankful that I was a girl.  As a child I spent a good portion of it convinced a doctor had chopped off my penis when I was born, and that I would just have to live with it.

I’m a jumbled mess that traditional sex education could never really help.  I don’t have the language to describe what I’m feeling, and I don’t have a reference point to figure out what is considered attraction and what is just affection.  I’m at war with myself constantly and my self loathing gets in the way of relationships, both platonic and romantic.  I don’t understand me, and I fear I never will.

I had heard the term Bisexual before, but Tumblr was the first place I heard people actually talking about their experiences with bisexual attraction.  Tumblr was the first place I learned about the ace spectrum, and how it relates to attraction and sex drive.  Tumblr was the first place I really explored non-binary identities, and was able to fully think about my gender and whether or not I was trans.  And a lot of this information I got from looking at what tumblr would now consider NSFW content.

I understand now that I’m a complicated being with complicated emotions, but I’m neither alone nor unusual in this.  Sexuality, attraction, identity, they’re all complicated things that do work in harmony once you understand them.  I learn about demisexuality, and finally understand what real sexual arousal feels like from looking through porn, finally realizing I DO experience sexual attraction, it’s just under extremely specific conditions.  I see tons of art and photos of naked bodies like mine and very different than mine, and it helps me understand the fluid nature of my gender expression and why I love my tits some days and wish I had a dick others.

I learn safe sex practices, I learn hygiene, I learn about foreplay, I learn about gender, I learn about dysphoria, I learn about kinks, I learn about attraction, I learn about expression, and I learn about me.

In 2018 I made a resolution to better understand my body and sexuality, and so I made this side account as a way to safely experiment and express my feelings in a closed environment.  I have had so much improvement in my self-love, sexual expression, understanding of my body, and acceptance of who I am since doing so.  After 29 years of trying to keep that shit bottled up inside me, never looking at it or examining it critically, finally having a place where I can freely talk about my feelings without judgement or repercussion has been everything to me.

And I could not have learned any of these things if tumblr did not allow that “NSFW content” on their platform.

I understand that tumblr is a private service, and I do not hold it against them for wanting to make their platform look more appealing to advertisers and investors.  I also do not really begrudge them for taking an easy solution to a complicated problem, even though there are much better ways of handling this.  I’ve taken the easy road plenty of times.

But I would not be who I am if I had not found easy access to NSFW material, and I worry about the young queer people on this site who need that access and will now be denied it.  Because as much as tumblr would say you can “get that kind of stuff anywhere”, you really can’t.  Tumblr is the only website that has such a thriving LGBT+ NSFW scene, and you won’t find bodies like mine, sexualities like mine, experiences like mine on places like pornhub or wherever they expect us to go.  Real people, with real bodies, and real sexualities.  And I needed that so badly, but didn’t have the words to ask for it.  I’m grateful I had access to this stuff when I needed it, and that it was easy to find as well as easy to avoid if I didn’t want it.