the sadness never ends.

I beat myself up for not doing more with my life and being aware of the opportunities available to me if I were to put forth more effort just makes it worse. I don’t know why I’m so hard on myself. I feel like I debilitate myself with my own negativity.

honestly, I am so put off by the photos people share of the ridiculous amount of gifts they have under their christmas tree. I had some of those as a kid and I am so very fortunate that I got to experience that, and it’s great making kids happy, but it just feels so consumerist and foreign to me now. I don’t see it as something we should instill in people, frankly.

I’m one of the fortunate ones who still has a job and an apartment and I’m so very grateful for that. And yet I feel no joy or hope. No motivation pushing me toward anything. I feel both numb and on the edge of tears.