This Dream Again

It was warm, my blanket soft, my pillows comfortable.

And everything beyond it was cold, and feeling so drained and empty, I did not fill myself with the lonely chill.

It is like a struggle. You feel like you are withering, over and over, and you crave the sunlight, but you fear.

You fight with yourself, the ugly self loathing you had finally almost conquered rearing back up with new strength, better weapons. These things so much harder to forgive and forget.

I worry each day that I'll do wrong by you, and at the same time, there is this sense of knowing that I already am.

Maybe its because you deserve to be treated better, or that I know that you deserve a whole heart and not a piece of one already taken.

I feel guilty sharing things with you, when you're not the one that holds that larger part of me. At the same time, I want to share those things with you, because.. I feel like, if I stop, then we stop being as close as we are.

As close as we are is dangerous. But without your company.. and just. Your presence, whether beside me or not, I'd feel so lonely. 

I worry that I'm using you, unintentionally, to not feel that way.. or that one day you'd feel that I am, and everything would be over - the part I don't want to lose, more than anything, is your friendship. 

I carry a lot of fear in my heart. It makes it difficult to speak from it. Like a chain that tightens at the thought.. that I might say something wrong. I might miscommunicate a feeling. I might hurt you, and lose all your trust.

I realize what I want, more than anything, is to be trusted by the people I love. To be honest. To be reliable. To be loyal. To be a good friend. 

I look in your eyes, and everything, absolutely all of it, is reflected back at me. Each time, it takes my breath away. I become entranced and enraptured by a single glance, and I never want to look away. It is.. one of the most beautiful things, and so incredibly rare.. so rare that I cringe at the thought of..

Someone else getting to be captivated by that look. Those eyes. Shown that smile. You're an open book to me. No one has even been so open. I feel privileged. I feel special. I crave that feeling now. But I also crave that closeness, that openness.. the heartfelt connection I'd never thought I'd have with someone else. 

I think that is why, in part, even if we end up hurting each other - not by any ill intent - we have the ability to heal it.

I can not give you all that you want, I know I've said that. I wish I could stretch time and space and reality to do so. 

But let me put it this way.. 

Perhaps my role isn't to be your one and only, but, to prepare you for that person. You've so much growing to do, and in this time, and through all of this, I hope you'll learn valuable things about yourself. I hope you'll take better care, and I hope you'll reach higher than you are now. I hope you'll appreciate, even just a little bit, all the things about you that I've come to know and love. 

More than that.. I hope you continue to depend on me as a friend. I hope you never feel you can't come to me. I hope nothing gets in the way of that. No matter what may come. I'm sure I'll always love you for who you are. 

It is more than as a friend, but it isn't the same as what I carry for someone else. This much I know, and I think that's why it makes this so difficult for both of us. Accepting roles that we don't quite feel fit us. Such is the structure of society and its 'norms' and the way we view love, and the way we view relationships. My personal feelings are very different, once very traditional and narrow.. experience has been my greatest teacher, in finding out that you can't always place a label on emotion and connections. 

I'm sure I've missed something important in this 'letter'. I hope you feel each drop of love, caution, fear, sincerity.. that I tried to put into this. We're both fairly empathetic, passionate people.. I want you to understand me better by this. Even now, at the end, having written what I felt I needed to, I worry. I'm scared. Often times, I ignore fear, out of passion, though. That has varying results. I always bet on the better ones out of hope. 

As far as that other person goes, whether you do or don't believe me, it'll be better than this. If it isn't, it's not right. Don't you dare settle for less, don't you dare. If you were to give me anything in this world - and you said it yourself, you'd give me anything - the one thing I'd ask of you, is to never settle. To find, not just a person you can love, but someone you can build dreams into reality with. Someone you can experience new things with. Someone who appreciates you in all the ways that you are special, and never takes you for granted. Life isn't perfect, people aren't perfect, but you can damn sure get close to it.