Blue boy

-Nate

1000 years of weight- I’ve lived 18 Damed years But my mind is older And I shoulder that So much more Than that Of 18 years of age But can you see The weight that rips Me and tears me down Deep into the ground I’m 1000 -Nate

This world- We're up to our balls In smoothie flavors But we're not anywhere In our minds when compared To the rest of the global situations Dumb as trash But you're only asking For me to turn on my notifications Schools out What's the worry And the state of our "great" nation Sitting ducks Waiting to be overruled Reign over us Tricked us with your power moves Praising the sun But it's behind the moon Total eclipse Now I'm just Laying stupid full of doom Our leader looked up And his eyes when boom Take in all the madness As we all listen to the sadness We don’t care about Because it’s not about Ourselves Which is A word we pretend not to know But low and behold Hearing it makes out insides glow We’re vain as a mirror No ones eyes are clear Even mine And I’m the one trying to remind Anyone who sees this That we’re dying No one seems to be trying Anymore Yolo I guess as I scream Jumping out the door It’s four in the morn And I can’t sleep without All forty of my pills Hopped up on that good buzz And good bye To expensive trills Because hurting yourself Is free now Like just Let him Beat you Let him Kill you Now Date him Let him Take you Let him Rape you Now This life is wack We’re all chasing stacks While somewhere in the middle We wage war On middle class And you stand up And look at me like that It’s disgusting We’re disgusting And no body seems to see This messed up Fucked up world I breathe In But it won’t come out Because I’m filled with doubt That I belong here No way I’ll pray My glorious road out A line a pills A rope all tied A wrist slit 9 to 5 800 multiple godforsaken times And even if I jump I’ll end up here This is purgatory I fear And I ask Really what is this world I’m attached to -Nate

18 soon- 18 is coming up And I'm excited but I Don't wanna let the whole World know it Because lord Knows I'm a scared to show it My pride My happiness Of a now man free to be What he has wanted to see A smiling gay guy Looking back at me And back to me I still can't be Who I really am And I hide Knowing that that's a life that's bleak Because I know people who say it would Block my ascendancy To enter the World where My age wouldn't matter And I float through the air As my ghostly dead atoms Are in the arms of the judges Who live in clouds Dressed in all white But in this scenario they all pout As they welcome a reformed former sinner To their world where There’s no one similar And they then chain My now dead translucent legs And my heavy head With my weak arms To the bound billowing bench Above which The court master sits Looks down at this stupid faggot bitch And they then spit Their shit Screaming like You’re damn near 18 And you’re crawling to me Begging to make all the bleeding pass Piss-trash like you won’t make it Let alone last And after I repeatedly explain this Dream-like Possibility of a future now I cannot shake that I’ll be 18 soon. -Nate

Happy, good guy- When I see him smile It breaks me because I know he could be Such a happy, good guy Yet he gives Let gives to a power I still can’t comprehend But a strong command it is As he bends And I’m sadly forced to watch This punch that hurts And breaks A poor, sad guy And I still sit watch wait And wonder why A could be happy, good guy Would do this to himself Reflecting back to the thought About how Time is cruel and evil So in years to come You’ll be a sad sad, good guy In a sad sad, bad time That you can’t let go Because a bully told you no Submit you did Then you let them push you in Deeper But in this sense deeper Isn’t better Isn’t wetter And deeper isn’t simple It’s complex Forced onto A unfree will of A human being Force being something Their infrastructure wars against Like hate and A strongly one sided love Things of which make The possibility of a happy, good guy The slim slim Slimmest of possibilities And still at the end of this thought I still pray and wonder ought Why he does this to himself Because I care so much But I can’t bare to look above Then I stress and give up Dead I start screaming at the clouds About why such a sad sad, good guy Should be a happy, good guy And the reason I’ve come up with That seems to sum it all up is: Because, I love him. -Nate

Reminded me- He told me to text him when I got home So he knew I was safe I used to do that and I guess I stopped Because I stopped caring But when I heard it tonight It reminded me That there are some things I do care about That there are some people I really do I really do care about And I want to remind them I really do I really do care A lot -Nate

Trigeminal Neuralgia- My face hurts My face hurts, again My face hurts, again, and again My face hurts, again, again, and again My face hurts all the fucking time. -Nate

To care- I don't know what to say When you have already said everything In such a short way When you held my hand and we laid closely Saying nothing But saying so much You should know That I care too I just am bad at telling you Because I'm scared to show The world and more That I feel just like them So next time We lay closely And our limbs are tied ropes I want you to know I care so much -Nate

My ritual- I go out into the mainly empty parking lot, The one by my house and the park, and get a drink, Whatever I feel like, Tonight it's a smoothie. And I sit in my car, All the lights off, And I write, About everything I've kept inside, Tonight it happens to be raining, Which is when I think I also share the deepest, I think maybe the sounds of downpour lull me, Causing me to just let go, Kinda like the clouds, Tonight, Specifically, Because I'll let you in on a little secret, In my car, I'm accompanied by an unlit cigarette, Which I allow my lips to taint, But I never burn it, Because even though I carry a lighter in my car, I know when I'm here, Vulnerable, I can still make the right choices, And that is my ritual. -Nate

Same difference- Even if it was a matter of Choosing What would it matter if I choose A he Instead of A she -Nate

Change- You say I don't deserve a bigger tip than 2$, But you grew up in an age where gas was 18 cents So next time I hear you cry about How you miss the America you knew And how you wanna go where it went I might just take you up on that and let you die Because this place is changing and it's a different world Where we maybe have to kill some things to survive -Nate

Enough- We said we would go out tonight But instead I'm laying face up on your bed Our fight was kinda ugly I didn't mean to insist That what you were doing was wrong But on second thought Maybe I did Because who knows what's cooked up In my maze-like mind Then you said "I was just one of many guys" And I said "that's okay" But you wanted me to feel bad So you grabbed me And had your way After that I realized I was right You are just awful And speaking of which Where the fuck is my damn mom It's later than I had thought And there's no phone call Full of angry voices That cover a parents thoughts As you hold me closer And say "I love you dearly" I don't know you So don't say that But then I cheerfully reply "I love you too, you're my favorite cuddly guy" And that was that I never spoke again And when I finally got home To the people Who forgot that I exist It was all "okay" Because I learned a lesson I'll never ever forget It's my choices that Make me feel So pent up Against a wall I've been beaten raw until I can't take anymore But I always slide back down into the slope That turns me backwards to shit And hate myself for letting Myself end up like this So I think it's time ask my soul When will I be done With my self destructing bullshit That I don't think anyone loves And when will I finally end up dead Maybe that will answer my main question of "When will I have enough?" -Nate

Bones and blood- Gold and silver, Bones and blood, Which are more important to us, Do we see what we take, Do we take what we want, Do you see what I mean? Gold and silver, Are more important than me. -Nate

Friends in the morning- It was 40 past midnight at Walmart and when The milk spilled on your shoulder and The smile which revealed your whites From cheek to cheek Looked my way I realized I didn't care that it was now 43 past midnight at Walmart And I just wanted you to laugh at That joke I cracked Then take me somewhere else with you But I know you couldn't and you were tired So when you joked about sleeping on The couch when you dropped me off In my head I thought of us in bed No sex, only slow breathing just limbs tangled and face to face A warm embrace But because I know we said it jokingly And maybe parts of me hoped It could be something else It's sad that my brain had to call you a friend In my driveway at 24 past 1 in the morning -Nate

Friends in the morning- It was 40 past midnight at Walmart and when The milk spilled on your shoulder and The smile which revealed your whites From cheek to check Looked my way I realized I didn't care that it was now 43 past midnight at Walmart And I just wanted you to laugh at That joke I cracked Then take me somewhere else with you But I know you couldn't and you were tired So when you joked about sleeping on The couch when you dropped me off In my head I thought of us in bed No sex, only slow breathing just limbs tangled and face to face A warm embrace But because I know we said it jokingly And maybe parts of me hoped It could be something else It's sad that my brain had to call you a friend In my driveway at 23 past 1 in the morning -Nate

-Nate

Late June- It's 8:42pm on June 22 I'm happy I'm okay I'm about to go on a date Anything that happens was meant to be It's 12:45pm on June 22 I'm not sure what may happen And if this will lay where it fell I'm not sure how to walk inside my home It's 3:26am on June 23 My dogs caused a problem I'm thinking about hours before I'm thinking I'll somehow make what feels fake Stay fake It's 1:48pm It must work -Nate