🎧 Nathan 📷

Oh, why am I mad??

well idk maybe because I've been staying at my friend's for a few days of every week and now I'm noticing how fucking perfect her fucking life is with her perfect fucking family while I'm here dealing with an empty fridge every day and parents who complain about having no money yet spend it all on fucking pepsi, stupid fucking drink pods, tiny plastic fans that do fuck all, sweets, food for my niece, but not us?? Nothing on that list is for us. I don't even fucking care if it sounds like narcissism or jealousy because I AM JEALOUS. I WANT WHAT SHE HAS. OTS NOT FUCKING FSIR.

Did I deserve to be practically starved all day? Whenever I say I'm hungry I get told to eat a packet of crisps. That's not a fucking meal. I don't wanna eat crisps all day everyday that's how you get fat MUM. I don't wanna look like fucking dad. I want a life. I want to be normal. I want normal parents, normal feelings, normal relationships, normal EVERYTHING. I fucking hate EVERYONE. Do you know how close I was to reporting my parents to social services? But didn't because I felt bad and didn't see any point since I'm 18 next may and it seems like I'm one of the only one getting this mistreatment?? Two of my sister's are moved out, so are my brothers but one of those brothers are brainwashed along with one of my sisters who are STILL living here and defends them with her life.

I can't fucking do this I just want fucking food. Every day when I'm home alone I eat whatever I can get my hands on. I binge it all. Then I get disgusted with myself and cry about it only to do it again.

They make me feel disgusting. They make me feel worthless like I'm not worth anything. Maybe I'm not. I'm so worthless they won't even spend their fucking money on me. Aka the fucking 17 year old jobless family disappointment that they chose to have. They should have just fucking aborted me. I TRIED getting help. I TRIED getting people to notice what's happening and actually going on. But what did I get in return?? I got sent back home and kicked out of college for over a month. I got told off by my parents. I got into trouble with wellbeing. I lost the only person I actually looked up to and thought actually cared about me. Because I was making him uncomfortable!! Like wow! Sure buddy.

Not to mention whenever I tried speaking up after that??? It was used AGAINST me by saying "oh is this Ur way of talking to said backstabbing bitch of a man who I should have never spoken to?" OF COURSE ITS FUCKING NOT.

FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU.

And my stupid fucking bitch of an older sister gets to live her Mary little life in her new little FUCKING apartment with her free money that is getting handed to her for free with her boyfriend who's twice her age, making stupid little tiktoks with her stupid friends, traveling and getting to buy all the clothes and food she could ever want. ALL AT 24. while poor little miserable fucking pussy me sits all fucking alone in my fucking room getting jealous of all the crap I can't do. I need clothes.

Nothing fucking fits me. I HAVE BARLEY ANYTHING. I HAD TO USE THE £30 MOTHER GSVE ME FOR MY COLLEGE TRIP TO BUY JACKETS JUST SO I'LL HAVE SOMETHING TO WEAR IN WINTER SO I DON'T FREEZE TO DEATH. AND I HAD TO DO THST IN SECRET. I HAD TO SAY THAT THEY WERE HAND-ME-DOWNS FROM MY FRIEND.

I shouldn't have to do that. I had to steal some old shirts from my dad and have to wear them when he's at work and change when he's back just so I have something to wear. I had to steal a pair of his old jeans and cut them into shorts so I'd have something in summer.

I had to steal from fucking Primark at 15 because I didn't have clothes to wear or shoes that actually weren't breaking. And I'm fully against stealing.

I had to go like a week without food once because my parents couldn't be arsed to cook.

I didn't have an education growing up and wasn't even taught anything.

I had lice for half my life and didn't get any treatment for it. They only disappeared after i cut my hair at 13.

I never interacted with a person my age till college aside from my cousin who I met once at like 6 and never saw her again.

I had to go to the doctor's for my scoliosis, and autism diagnosis I'm secret because I was scared on what my parents would say.

I wasn't allowed out on my own at all till I was almost 16. And it was to the library max. It was till I started to go out and rebel was when I was ACTUALLY ALLOWED TO GO ELSEWHERE.

NOT TO FUCKING MENTION I DON'T HAVE MY OWN PHONE. ITSY FUCKING DADS OLD ONE. BEFORE THAT I HAD MY SISTERS OLD PHONES BUT THEY WEREN'T ON A CONTRACT.