natalieongeulin

So I’ve been having a thought. It’s kinda been bugging me the past few days and today i read a devotional that struck something in me to write this. This is a christian thing so if you’re not a believer you might not quite get what i’m talking about.

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Try thinking about the last time you had a deep conversation with someone you cared about. Or maybe the last time you encouraged someone. And now, try thinking about the last time you did this in a biblical context. If the first two questions were much easier to answer, this is where my problem lies. 

Often times, i think we feel like we’re not “qualified” to talk to people about their spiritual life. But if so, neither are we qualified to talk to them about their personal life. BUT, I feel that whenever it comes to Him, it doesn't matter about how strong your walk with Him is. The question is what are you doing to impact someone’s spiritual life? Do you help bring them up or are you just uninterested? 

Personally, a person who cares about my spiritual life as much as my personal life is really someone i cherish. In a way, it comes hand in hand; because the best way to handle personal issues IS with God. I understand that it’s hard to always see that, which is why Godly friendships are so important. What a shame if someone really needed you to speak life to them and you could, but you just didn't. 

This year, I strive to learn more revelations like this. And maybe spark others to be that Godly community to those who need us too. 

I’ve seen you move —

— You move the mountains.

This year has been a roller coaster of a ride. Let me tell you why :)

JANUARY

sleepover with girls. cried alot.

meet up cos lih en was back. just like old times.

post camp appreciation makan. 

year 1 sem 2

sick as usual

FEBRUARY

crazy eyelash extensions

cny : a lot of yee sang

surprised audrey for her 20th 

MARCH

birthday : sushi and surprises. alot of random but useful crap as gifts, and as usual, late wishes cos no one actually knows/remembers my actual birth date.

went to help subang to disturb rachel’s mpu event w/ audrey

david my love

ballet illuminations : it was alright, not as bad as i remembered from previous years.

annual ball : rewearing old dress, unnecessary drama but a pretty okay night

good friday : was it really good? idk but thanks jesus.

APRIL

visited hope city for the second time : got to see che and kor worship lead and it was magical and i miss watching them so much

sleeping beauty auditions : when you audition for the fairy of grace and serenity but get casted as the evil one instead. they saw right through me.

performed in pavilion (sucked)

kexin’s 21st

study leave : consisted of more dancing than studying i think.

cried alot more

MAY

started working as assistant teacher

finals : needing to study OB while GE14 was going on was STRESSFUL

sem break!!!!!

workshop by Feet Speak Dance

aymerlie’s graduation performance

cousin’s wedding

JUNE

ds company trip to melaka

alot of workshops all at once, body pain for 4 days

pow wow visit w/ stacy, mim, jan and sandra : weird but ok

started working at trinity again

highpointe LIFE’s “so lit” youth conference

taught dance at bright morning star 

tds : helped as usher, never again.

JULY

rachel’s 21st

Darkness Poomba by Kim Jae Duk (Performance) : pretty cool with live music, singing and dance. thanks ms wan wan!

walked bukit gasing with evelyn, dhiireen, bryant, reuben and carolyn

first ever ballet photo shoot with chiau ling and siao teng by carolyn

realised i dont think i can be an auditor

melaka with fam

bye suet yi

suddenly took up fundraising again

AUGUST

danced ALOT

met ellum!!!

perth : held a snake for the first time, coldplayyy, had amazing scallops but also planned alot of fundraising ideas there and just wanted to go home 2 days earlier. but hillsong was pretty cool.

vbs choir practice

baked ALOT of cookies

JPCC fundraising : did alot of things.

became carabosse for the first time

SEPTEMBER

year 2 sem 1 (aka sem 3)

jimmy my love

bye evelyn

sleeping beauty (url) (url2) : adrenaline, tired, and alot of makeup

cheese naan (finally)

baby ethan!

adv 2 exam : sucked but passed so yay

OCTOBER

finally started coaching for mibgp (2 months late)

brm and trail mix

new found love for family mart

mpu comm service to Ti Ratana (the kids there were crazy)

matd and trail mix

NOVEMBER

cry cry stress stress dance dance (repeat) 

stayed in icity for the first time

brm brm and trail mix (again)

retook fmt cos reasons

HELL WEEK : vbs (proud mom), mibgp (made it to finals, yay but less time to study)

DECEMBER

finals (6am’s, and dieded)

surprising mom for mom and dad’s 30th anniversary

gycamp18 

chopped and bleached hair

performed in centro (kk still waiting to get paid haha)

christmas : with tcsjcf cos its tradition, in church cos straight outta bethlehem, and bkt because WHY NOT. (also, dont forget the iconic botanic christmas house)

sabah

been sick since 11 dec till today (1 jan) so thats great.

What else happened?

stayed in cyber (thanks audrey)

sewed many many pointe shoes

hated gm to a new level 

didn’t drink enough pu er

got hurt alot but probably hurt others alot too so i deserve it

ate very little ice cream cos i was sick alot of the year

left the worship team - if anyone actually reads this and actually cares, yes, this happened around october. my heart wasnt in the right place and honestly i was really ashamed of it. but now im better than ever and i’m ready to move forward with whatever God wants me to do. it really comes to show that sometimes taking a step back is actually taking a step forward. thanks to those who helped me see that. 

No matter how bad this year was, I’m so glad to be alive. 

more of You, less of me.

#gycamp18 is where I found my heart again.

sem 3 : full of new fond memories.

We were an odd bunch. We had little in common. We annoyed each other. But somehow we were the best of friends. You were my family. At one point, I couldn’t imagine how i would live my life without you. Until I had to live my life without you.

What i experienced was the craziest roller coaster ever. The pain i knew you didnt know hurt me even more than i expected. I had to get used to the fact that when i had a problem, you weren’t gonna be there for me anymore. I knew that if something great happened, you were not going to know about it first to celebrate with me anymore. And it broke my heart, over and over and over again.

it’s been an extremely horrible month.

wow. its STILL november. can time go by any slower. this month has been absolutely unbearable. struggling to keep it together. im jammed packed to the brim. i’m exhausted. i just need to breathe. i actually cant wait for this month to be over. 

but.

it’s been an extremely interesting month.

wow. its already the end of november. time is going by just like that. no matter how tiring this month has been, its been full of challenging experiences, pushing myself to better myself. i’ve been surrounded with so many people that care for me and that help me everyday. i’ll look back on this month and thank God for the strength He’s given me, for the people He’s placed in my life in this season, for never giving up on me and for showing me His love even in the midst of trial and chaos. though at times i just don’t see it, I’m blessed. beyond measure.

I hate feeling this way. I hate how my emotions take over my life. I hate how i make people concerned about me. I hate crying all the time. I hate the way my headache shoots through the roof when i feel sad. I hate when i can’t concentrate on what’s supposed to be important because all I can focus on is being sad.

I hate it so much. But yet it keeps coming back.

Someone please tell me how to stop this cycle. At this point, I’m just waiting to hit my  breaking point.I can’t do it anymore. I just dont understand how a person who experiences so much blessing and so much happiness could experience so much dissatisfaction and so much sadness every single day. 

I’ve had enough of stay strongs and enough of dont worries. staying strong and not worrying somehow turns against me and pushes me further into this ditch of suppression that just keeps getting deeper and deeper. i didnt bring my ladder. 

many times, i feel like im all alone, fighting the endless battle all by myself. 

but it’s because i keep hearing noises all around me but im not listening to the voice that matters.

just stop, be still, know that He’s there.

I’ve made a decision that no matter how shit life is and how sad or angry i am, I will find reasons of happiness and reasons of gratefulness.

October has just been the worst month when i thought things couldn’t get worse after April. But i know, I just know. All the pain and stress is making me stronger. The lame quote of how pressure turns mere rocks into diamonds, it’s true. Well, if you ask me how i know it’s true, i don’t actually BUT I’M GONNA BELIEVE IT ANYWAYS. I’ve been surrounded with people that really care for me and though no one actually knows or feels every bit of what i’m going through, I’m happy to know I have people around me that wont consistently tell me i’m annoying and that i’m being pathetic about it. They bring the sunshine of positivity into my dark heart. You really appreciate the highs when you’re at your lowest.

- i have a reason to sing.

This is the hardest season of my life so far. It’s like a never ending downward spiral. As if things will never get better from here. I stopped listening to my own advice, to keep going and that things get better. I really can’t do it anymore. 

Everything has turned against me and I don’t understand why. The negativity, God, the negativity, is clogging up my mind, there’s no space to think. to breathe. It’s happily eating me up and I’m trying so hard to stop it but I can’t.

God, if your yolk is light why does it feel like an elephant is on my shoulders? If your yolk is light why am I dragging my feet everywhere i go? If your yolk is so light why have you sent people to bring me down? Why can’t i see and feel this airiness I so long for? Where can I find this feathery yolk that I’ve prayed upon people? If I’ve tasted and seen of your great love why is your peace no where to be found?