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The black reflection of her phone stared back at her. Knees to her chest. Chin on the top of her knee. Arms wrapped around her legs.
Where did all my friends go?
She asked. She wondered. She contemplated. She asked again. And again. And again.
Where were the friends that said: you can vent to me always.
“I’m here with you always.”
“I miss you”
“I love you”
“I love hanging out with you”
“I wanna hear from you”
“Please don’t ignore me”
But is it fair to ignore me? She thought. Is it fair treat her the way you don’t want her to treat you? She was always there. Always. So why aren’t they here now? Why are they a ghost in a shell. Why are they acting like it’s so easy to disregard her? Hurt. Anger. Confusion.
Why was it always her? What did she do to deserve hurt from people she genuinely loved why does she deserve the treatment from people that she genuinely cared for?.
Did the conversation she had with them not mean anything? did her talking about her feelings not mean anything either?
Covering her ears she cries and cries and cries. She can hear the strings in her heart just shredding thread by thread. the sounds of her cries piercing through her ears. Hurts her even more. Crying over people that wouldn’t care if she was crying. Crying over people who don’t even realize they’re ignoring her or care that they’re ignoring her. Crying and crying over people that she loved and still love.
Crying over someone she wants to talk to so badly to get comfort from them. But they don’t even care to talk to her.
She shouldn’t even feel this way… but she does.
“Where did all my friends go???” She whispered into her pillow as her head sank more into her chest and the pillows become a pool for her drowning thoughts. The loneliness of her covers sinking her deep into the mattress. The cries of her agony piercing through the covers that are supposed to protect her and give her the most comfort that she searches for in other people. If she were to go missing, would they ever notice? The worst scenarios start to appear in her head as she rewrites her position in peoples life. Her knees is curling up to her chest. She lets out a scream that is blood curdling
The sounds of pure pain and agony, vibrating off her walls as she repeatedly punches the mattress below her she was hurt. She was angry, and most importantly she was very disappointed. She was disappointed in herself. She was disappointed in the people around her. She was disappointed herself to get this low cause of multiple people.
She felt used she felt vulnerable, and most importantly, she felt stupid that she really thought just for once she really meant something to people, but to get the harsh reality to know that she meant the bare minimum to people.
He glowed like a diamond to her, the sunlight reflecting all the pretty qualities in him. The tenderness in his actions, the honey sweetness in his words. Those milk chocolate eyes soothing her. He felt like a warm cup of tea. Wrapping his arm around her, his lips stamped kisses to buttery skin. “You look good princess, you smell good too” just a normal Sunday afternoon hangout. A debrief and reset from the previous week they’ve came together to enjoy the company of one another.
It gave her butterflies…butterflies….butter—… the cogs turning in the opposite direction freeze and tensing up her bones. This wasn’t good. The farthest from it. He felt the nerves in her body shift gears. Pulling away he spins her around face to face contact. “I felt your energy change, and do t say nothing, because I know it’s something” his thumb finding solace under her chin, moving her eyes from the floor to his. ‘This wasn’t good’ she thought to herself. “Speak” he told her.
Sighing followed by a nervous laugh pushing him slightly off her “oh cmon, you really think there’s something wrong?” Grabbing the glass of water that was sweating more than her “I was just thinking about something not that it’s important” he grabs her hand holding it with care. She hums a soft ‘what?’ He rolls his eyes huffing detaching his hand from her he walks away from her to walk to the door of the bedroom.
“Tell me or I’m leaving” his voice stern as ever, he’s never stern with her unless it’s something that gets her blushing. But this was no blushing matter this was a serious matter. “I’m not playing tell me right now” his fingers looping over the door knob. Turning her head to hide the tears forming in her eyes she balls her fist up.
‘Why is it so hard to express how I feel?’ ‘It’s my feelings why am I so afraid’ ‘I’m so fucking angry’ ‘no one should make me feel like I can’t express myself’
“Yo! Can you tell me or what?” His voice raised in a way he’s never done before, her body shuttered at the way his voice vibrated and echoed the room. She sighed again, taking a deep breath she looked him in the eyes.
“It hurts you know, we’re nothing but something at the same time” she finally expressed. ‘’maybe he’ll understand this without asking questions’. His hand falls from the door knob.
“What do you mean we’re nothing? , we’re literally friends” he furrows his eyebrows “you mean a lot to me you know that right?” ‘He doesn’t get it’
“Can we not? You’re hurting my heart right now” I avoid his eye contact, “no, can we talk about this? I wanna find the root of the problem” ‘great…’
“Be blunt with me, if it hurts me so be it” he sits in front of me his hand cupping my cheeks “please look at me and talk to me”
“I’m just a friend. That you like. You wanna do sexual stuff with. You wanna fuck. You treat me like a girlfriend, without even asking me to be one” she whispers her heart shattering into kaleidoscopes. Silence. Just the sound of rain falling down the window. The fans blowing softly in the background.
“Well.. you know I love you”
“That’s not the point!” She yelled, her emotions speaking so loudly. God she didn’t mean for it to happen. She hated this conversation. She never wanted to have this conversation.
“You just don’t get how I feel about you” he kept on trying to explain , he reached out for her hand and she pulled back. “Hey…” he whispered
“No, I don’t think I can do this anymore. We want two different things”
“No we don’t” he eggs on
“Yes we do!”
“I want you”
“No you don’t, you want me as a friend but want my body as a relationship or worship”
“Because you deserve that I love you please don’t be like this”
“But…you don’t WANT me. You don’t want a title with me”
Walking out of the room she shuffles her feet towards the front door. “Can you please leave, I don’t have the mental capacity anymore, I would like to be left alone”
“Please..”
“I’m begging you” she finishes his sentence.
“Cant we just talk bout this?”
“We’ve talked enough for today”
And with that he left her house. The rain poured harder to match the heavy heart she was holding. To match the cries she dropped on her pillow. The sad thing about it, she wanted him to hold her. To kiss her forehead. To caress her shoulders. But that’s what makes her fall for him deeper. Even tho he doesn’t fall an inch for her. He hated titles nor did he want it. And she just wanted to be loved.
The slamming over the door echoed through the living room making its way to her room. It replayed. Why? Why did it have to be her?
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Sitting by the window she watched the droplets of rain race each other one by one, some overlapping some stopping before the even reached that bottom. Some carried away in the wind to never be seen again. wrapping her blanket around her body she inhaled deeply as if she was in the rain. The rain. The soothing smell it brings in her lungs. The idle mind now put to ease with every droplet hitting her window. Her nimble fingers touching her own caressing it in away a lover should, the way she wish her lover could.
But he couldn’t. She would just sit there and wander ‘is this the love for me’ ‘am I a fool for thinking someone actually wants to love me’ how could the man who wanted her first slack so much?.
And now the rain has turned to snow. And love turns to lost.
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(N) A masterlist, is a collection of all the writers work and thoughts in one quick easy place.
⋆｡°✩ Hello, and welcome to my writing orbit here you can surf the galaxy for readings to fit to your liking this blog is meant for you to find comfort in whatever you’re looking for.
「 ✦ Blog Insight ✦ 」 ⩇⩇:⩇⩇
This author writes about:
Dark content such as: mental health, hurt comfort, vent imagines and self insert drabbles.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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