wishful thinking

Id say I'm close to shooting myself in the head but I don't have a gun or anything really. What I mean is that there is nothing ever in my life that goes well and the cumulative impact of being knocked down over and over again makes me want to escape and the only way I can fantasize an escape is by death. I don't really want to die but there is so much feeling inside me that I am going to explode. I don't want to do this anymore. I want to opt out. Nobody gets how much it takes for me to get from point a to point b. Everyone else in the world is living their fast glossy beautiful lives and doesn't care that I'm left choking on dirt. I don't even need them to care. I just want to be left alone forever. Just leave me alone and leave me out of this.

The worst part about being miserable is that I feel bad for being angry and I feel sick and I'm tired and I wasted the whole day being upset and I don't have time to spare I wish I was dead and my stupid birthday got ruined

Sometimes life is just worrying about ur parents death worrying about ur long suffering siblings worrying about ur upcoming failure while the people around get to continue to exist in this soap bubble of a world where nothing matters and they don't have to care I hate everybody I hate being friends with ppl who don't get I hate being rotten and jealous I hate feeling stuck and left behind I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life it's not fair

I just want to know what is it u want me to do. I already got the toxic brain rot from dad for three hours and now u just dump on me too about wanting to die. I genuinely don't know what to say. I try to fucking help and u tell me I'm wrong. I leave u alone and u say ur lonely. I can't do this any more. I'm so fucking tired.

U know it really sucks when u stay up too late then when you naturally wake up, you are still very tired. So you go back to bed. And dream. Weird things. Some of them made sense - like dreaming that I was stuck in a Spanish class (during grad school?) and realizing I had a test I did not study for then asking A to vouch for me. Somehow that dream transitioned to some strange situation where I was on a train and i was trying to trick someone which involved pretending to be in love with them when I wasn't or wasn't anymore. The man was an actor I've seen millions of times and I don't find him attractive at all. I was traveling back and forth through the train for information collection and it was hard to convince this man I was actually in love him. By the end of the dream, when I returned to our table, someone said something rude to me about our relationship, and I yelled back at her about how serious I was. The man was watching. I went over to him and sat in his lap, turned around, and buried my face into his chest. He held me and I asked him to slow his breathing down down down. To feel his chest rise and fall slowly with mine. He was bigger than me and I felt enveloped. Surrounded. Pinned. And I liked it very much. I'm very lonely in this house. And I hate dreams like these. My chest feels tight recalling and recounting this. I woke up frustrated and mournful.

I REALLY HATE MY FAMILY. MY DAD LOVES TO YELL ACROSS ROOMS TO TALK TO PEOPLE. HE IS THE LEAST EMOTIONALLY PRESENT PERSON I KNOW. I HATE THAT THE RESPONSIBILITY OF FIXING MY BROTHER AND FIXING MY SISTER ARE ON MY SHOULDERS. WHY IS THIS MY FAULT. WHY DONT I GET TO HAVE A FUN LIFE. OR AT LEAST A LIFE OF MY CHOOSING. AUTONOMY AUTONOMY AUTONOMY.