Carry, with the wind.

Life’s pretty shag as a Year 3 Uni student. assignments pile up over and over and i think im not exactly hanging in there very well anymore. (almost) missing deadlines and finding myself always rushing against time, when people are able to take things slow and steady.

Amongst the busy schedules, decisions are still hanging around which annoys the crap out of me because that meant i couldnt take full control of my life. not like i could have since certain things re naturally out of your control and certain things, they are just, i’m not ready to face them yet. and i truly wonder when I would have the courage to face them. but i worry, will i regret it if i faced them head on? i dont know. 

I thought, again and again, how good it would be if i had the chance to read someone’s mind for a day, or become invisible for a day so i could follow someone around without them knowing and just understand them a little bit more. And perhaps, hopefully, find the answer to my question. 

Yeps, because, lately I’ve been feeling kind of lost at what I should be spending my time wisely on. I really want to make a project I am currently working one of the best people have ever seen come out of this club, but the partners I have to work with don’t seem to feel the same way as I do. I’m not complaining about having to more stuff, I don’t mind, seriously, but with all the politics in place, whatever I do, we have to come to a mutual agreement before we can move on to the next phase and them just not cooperating is annoying the hell out of me. And, we’ve got time to do this shit slowly. So, I’m kind of at a standstill right now, blocked from moving forward, and have no idea what I can do to make the most of my time. 

So, I thought: I should spend this time doing things that would help me in achieving what I want. And here I am, trying to get my thoughts together and figure out what I should really be working towards. 

Okay, what I really want now is actually to travel to UK and explore and live there for like maybe a couple of months (okay if not for school I understand that it’s kinda long but bleh who cares). I think I really just love their arts and music scenes and their architecture! ohmygod so nice. Love those old western styles to death. And bridges. I don’t know why but they look really mysterious and full of history to me and I would love to see them for real and take pictures. (sidetrack: even my favourite phrase has the word bridge in it! LOL) Yeah and just many many more things that I would love to see and OH this one I must say. To hike mountains and sit on the mountain top and take in the gorgeous night scenery with my backpack there. dude that’s the best. (I’ve been freaking inspired by all the pictures from Fena’s instagram. Really.)

Yes. That would my goal of saving up and working my ass off (hopefully). To travel to UK guys woooohooo with all expenses paid for by yours truly. 

And moving on, time to find that passion. So that I would have the motivation to get those As off the sky and also work on what I should be prioritizing now. Wells, as for passion, I would say that would to rock that drumset, seriously. I guess I could take classes, or just self-teach in my free time. Cuz taking music classes would really contradict on my saving up plans to travel the UK. Yup, so next important thing would be to practice hard for my drumming skills (during spare time, or perhaps make time for this) and maybe one day I would be good enough to probably help out in playing for a band or something!

And last but not least, my aspiration. Just what do I want to be doing for the rest of my life. This is really hard. Not because I have no clue as to what I want to do but because I know I can’t do the ONLY thing I want to do for the rest of my life. The day my brain made all the connections correctly and wired everything nicely and kaboom, the day I became dead set on studying medicine was the day I decided on something that I could find no alternative for. But I know the limit of my own capabilities, cognitively and mentally. My brain is not able to deal with such great deal of academics and that amount of stress that comes with it, I am not confident of being able to deal with it. I knew I couldn’t make it for medicine school, so I thought long and hard about something else I would love to do for the rest of my life. But I couldn’t find. The closest thing I could think of was joining the Police Force, but given my physical ability, I could forsee a tough road ahead. And though I love to seek justice and uncover mysteries, I get frightened at the thought of shadowing dangerous people into the woods/unknownplaces at night. (PS. I watch a lot of detective shows) So, I go round and round and round and I couldn’t find anything that suited me more. There was nothing else that I would rather be doing other than helping the sick. And yet, this was something I knew I couldn’t achieve. Whenever people asked what I wanted to do in the future, I tell them the truth: I don’t know. And for some reason, they get pissed! Like wth? Hello? This is MY future we’re talking about. What’s wrong with you. Is it a crime to not know exactly where or what I would be in like 10 years time? Don’t tell me you are upset because you expected me to a model student with huge goals and aspirations in mind and working diligently towards them. I think, sorry I mean I know, you’re just upset you don’t get a satisfactory answer to your busybody probing question. Seriously, if you cared, you would rather I take more time and think carefully about such life-changing decisions than ram into some “awesome” goal and plans quickly so I’ve got a pretty answer that will please your ears. I honestly don’t know what to expect of the future so for now, lets take the safe way. I study diligently and grab as many As as I can, pull up my CAP as high as I can and graduate with the highest degree of honours as I can. And in my spare time, please, stop looking at facebook and instagram and wasting your/my time and read up on MCAT books. They are like there, physically, for you. Use them. Read them. You’ve got no excuse, dude. 

And as a reminder, here’s a summary: 

- Work hard, get As, pull CAP, Graduate with good honours

- Spare time: Spend them all on MCAT and drumming. nothing else, please.

- Save up: You’ve got a freaking UK backpacking tour to go on!

It’ll be worth it. 

So, i’m just thinking, why do i so desperately want to travel? why do i want to go on an exchange programme? Is it like what everyone else is doing? So i can take good pictures and make everyone go green with envy?

To prove that I have a life? To show other people that I am better than them? That i can achieve things that they can only dream of?

Well, partly. I admit there are some assholes that piss me off big time and the best form of revenge i like to give these kind of people have always been to show them who’s boss. 

And.. so i wonder, just which part of all these am i thinking for myself?

I think and think and search for an answer.

And i think...

I think I want to travel because I want to get out of this familiar place. I want to go somewhere like nothing I’ve seen before. Sure, this would mean a whole great deal of adjusting but i think the amount of unfamiliarity would be the only way that i can be in to be totally by myself, in my own bubble without a care for the world. Nothing i see or feel or hear or smell will remind me of anything i’ve ever known. I can finally immerse in my own self with no distractions. 

Then you might ask, why exchange programme? A vacation trip would suffice. No need to go through so much work. I want to travel to this place for a long time. Months. So that I can have loads of time to explore this place inside out. One trip that would allow me to go from knowing 0% about a place to almost 100% and this experience and the stories i can tell would be unique to myself. Some say free and easy allows you to go explore a country at your own pace. But to me, to really explore a country, you’ve got to LIVE there. I don’t hate but i kinda dislike having to meet a deadline when i’m travelling. I like to take things as they come. I don’t want to have to plan to do this, see that, eat those and be like checking them off a list. I want to loiter the streets, daze in the cafe and buy tickets to watch an impromptu theatre. I want to live like a local. 

When I get to go to such a different place, everything is new to me. They are not attached with some kind of memories or feelings. I can do everything as i please, I don’t have to check to see if someone else is okay with it. I don’t have to think if someone else that i might know is judging me for it. Because nobody will know me. I am but blended into the surroundings of the everyday chaos. 

I guess i’m tired. I’m tired of doing things that the society expects me to. I’m tired of doing things that have been altered to fit someone else’s liking. I’m tired of doing things because they will satisfy someone else, but not me. 

For once, I want to do things just because i feel like it. Just because it makes me happy. 

Actually, I can’t believe to do that I have to fly to the other half of the world. Such simple things, so difficult to accomplish. 

20 Things To Know By 20 You are more than your teen years. Erika Mackie in The List on Jan 25, 2016

You made it. You made it out of your teenage years. You can let out that big sigh of relief for surviving the hardest years of your life with minimal permanent damage. But as awful as the past decade was emotionally, it has definitely taught you some life lessons that you should keep with you for the rest of your life.

1. Nothing will ever be more important than your education. I don’t care who the guy is, he will never be more important than getting your degree. Don’t skip out on studying the night before a huge exam for him, because there is a pretty high chance he won’t be there to watch you grab your diploma in the end.

2. Just because they ask, doesn’t mean they care. Your parents are the only ones who truly give a sh*t about how your day went or why you’ve been so upset lately. Anyone else who asks is either just being polite or curious.

3. Don’t blow your friends off for a boy, you’ll regret it. I know he may be your life as of right now, but who’s going to be there when it falls apart if you devote all of your time to him?

4. When your friends give you advice, no matter how much it hurts, listen to them. Don’t go asking your friends for advice if you have no intention of listening to them. Everything they tell you, no matter how painful the words are, are said with good intentions. They will never give you advice to steer you wrong, and they are thinking more clearly than you are at the moment.

5. Take some time for yourself. You don’t always have to be a social butterfly, take some time for yourself. Stay in bed on a Friday night if you’re tired and want to watch Netflix, there’s no shame in doing that.

6. Having a few good friends is better than a lot of fake ones. Having a small circle is a good thing. You don’t need 20 okay friends when having two great ones will do the job.

7. It doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks. In high school, everyone is overly concerned about what their classmates think of them. Once you get to college you realize that no one cares at all what you’re doing with your life and even if they did, the only opinion that matters is your own.

8. Your mom is usually right, about everything. If your mom thinks your friend is sketchy or your boyfriend is a deadweight, she’s 100 percent right. She’s been through everything you have already and she knows what she’s talking about.

9. You may not think it, but it’s important to love yourself. Because who else is going to love you if you can’t even love yourself?

10. Ice cream heals all wounds. Your boyfriend broke up with you? Ice cream. You failed an exam? Ice cream. It never fails.

11. Time doesn’t matter, quality does. Just because you’ve been with or been friends with someone for years, doesn’t mean you have a good relationship. Sometimes the best relationships are the ones that start quick and move quickly, it just depends on the situation.

12. Be with someone who makes you want to be better. Be with someone who is such a good person and treats you so well that it makes you want to be a better person. The good in them will bring out the best in you and that’s a great feeling to have.

13. Get rid of the toxic people in your life. You meet so many people in your teen years who just suck the life out of you. You may not realize they’re toxic at the time, but all they’re doing is holding you back and until you get rid of them, you’ll never be able to move forward

14. Less is more. This applies to a lot of things and is pretty self explanatory.

15. Know the difference between being in love, and the idea of being in love. Being in love is such a great feeling that sometimes we trick ourselves into thinking we’re in love with someone, when really we’re only in love with the idea of them. Know the difference.

16. It’s OK to make mistakes. You’ll never learn if you don’t make mistakes. Most success stories come with a lot of failure stories, don’t be afraid to fail.

17. It’s OK to get your heart broken. This may sound strange but I didn’t understand what kind of person I wanted to be with until I got my heart broken. I realized how I deserved to be treated and knew not to settle for anything less.

18. You should never rely on someone else to supply your happiness. I’m not saying to not be with someone who makes you happy, but to not make them your only source of happiness. Find happiness in the things in life you love, not the people you love.

19. It’s always darkest before the dawn. Although a friend of mine said this to me as a complete joke, there’s truth in her words. Things may seem bad now, but they won’t be bad forever. Sometimes things need to get worse before they can get better.