Heather C.

Hello, sluts!

Do I even need to introduce myself to you? I’m like oxygen. I’M EVERYWHERE! I mean, come on I’m only the most important person in Westerberg. They all want me as a friend or a screw. I’m worshipped in these halls so I hope you brought knee pads!

I make the trains run on time. Everyone knows their place. The yearbook gets done properly, the prom is consistently awesome, and the Spirit Float always wins a goddamn blue ribbon. My parents even pay the teacher’s salaries.

There’s no Westerberg High without Heather Chandler. If I say “jump” you say “how high?” If I say “shut up” you shut up. And if I have a problem with you? Well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw do I look like Mother Teresa? I will CRUCIFY you. Not even the losers and geek squad will touch you!

So, for your sake I hope we get along and you’re not too much of a pillowcase for my taste. Just do everything I say and you might even be able to make it to graduation without having to transfer to Jefferson or Washington. It’ll be so very!

(ADMIN + RP INFO)

(ABOUT HEATHER CHANDLER) [TBA]

Hey, uhhhhh excuse me actually my last name is “Chandler”. Since I’m feeling nice I’ll spell it out for you: C-H-A-N-D-L-E-R and I’d prefer you pronounced it correctly next time please. Do I look like a GODDAMN CHANDELIER to you? Bad speller much? God, were you thrown out of kindergarten? Flunked out of the spelling bee in middle school because you will now! Who do you think you are? Are you trying to embarrass yourself because if so you’re doing great, sweetie. This whole school knows my name. EVERYONE KNOWS MY NAME! I’m like oxygen. I’m everywhere. Do you not breathe oxygen? That would explain why you’re such a mouth breather. I mean seriously-if you keep mispronouncing people’s names you’ll be HUNG UP ON A CHANDELIER BY GRADUATION when the jocks decide to touch you! And you don’t want that, right?

(TW: fat shaming!)

Excuse me? Who are you? Holy crap, give it to the loser squad to try and give it to you straight. Jesus. And then you and all your geek friends live happily ever after while I wear a trash bag from the dollar store on the side of the road? Please. Give me a break. Peaking in high school is for quasi-fat freshman who jerk off at the hottest pictures of me. I give them a taste of the dream and all they do is stain me with their LOSERNESS! Well, nobody here at Westerberg or at the big kid’s table is going to play YOUR REINDEER GAMES! While you BABBLE AWAY LIKE A PRISS I teach REAL LIFE something you’d never understand and brush up on my conversation skills with the scum of the school because I know where I’m going to college without needing a pity grant or whining to my mommy about getting a job at the 7-Eleven and going to straight to jail.

Do you?

Do you really think that if nobody gives a shit about you right now that they’ll magically give a fuck when you’re out of a school? You really believe that?

Oh, come on. Don’t be so delusional.

You’re not the one laughing here, sweetie.

How nice, sticking your nose in someone else’s business. Jesus. Jealous much? Did your parents abandon you on the street because they were too poor to take care of their ugly baby? Judging by your outfit you can’t afford much. Oh, come on like I give a shit what terms I’m on with my parents. I max out my dad’s credit card, my mom lets me do whatever I want as long as I’m back before curfew, and I ALWAYS SKIP MY GODDAMN TRIP TO GRANDMA’S ON SUNDAY! Uh, I’d actually prefer to get my beauty sleep over seeing that sweet, old bag thank you. My parents’ will pay for her to have a nice funeral anyway. Just because your mommy still makes you snacks or fights with daddy doesn’t mean everyone else is stunted by childhood trauma because their parents dropped them on their heads as babies. Oops, did I touch a nerve?

God, if you’re going to openly be a bitch. I’m “naturally bitchy” because I can be. Come on do you really believe my life is so bad I take it out on the geek squad?! My parents can pay YOUR PARENT’S SALARY! I can buy stuff you can’t! Everyone wants to be me! Everyone wants to fuck me! I make the trains run on time! Without me? You’d all GET HIT ON THE GODDAMN TRAIN TRACKS! How else will the yearbook get done on time? What about prom? What about the spirit float? Jesus Christ! My life is awesome! You all NEED ME to not get swallowed up in a bowl of chaos! Did some pillowcase put you up to this? Trying to spread gossip by saying my life is so sad I need to work at a soup kitchen to help starving children or go to a Morrissey concert like Jason Dean? Fuck me gently with a chainsaw people will say ANYTHING to be popular! This school is NOTHING without me and what’s my thanks? Rumors about my life that are not only NOT TRUE but aren’t your business!

Do I look like I care what music you listen to? I mean seriously. Presumptuous much? It’s like you’re obsessed with me. Are you obsessed with that I like? Jealous you can’t be like me? Jeez, you don’t have to drool all over me because you can’t afford expensive stuff. Wear headphones and nobody has to hear the GODDAMN COWBOY AND POLKA MUSIC on your Walkman you stupid fuck! But, uhhh since I’m feeling nice I’ll actually give you some free advice. Pop is pretty very, something nice and feminine like Madonna and Janet Jackson and her shoulder pads. Girls who play Barbies might like the more cotton candy Cyndi Lauper stuff. Oh, come on…do you want to look like you still watch Sesame Street in high school? Let me know when the next My Little Pony rerun and how the swing set line is tomorrow! Or never…

(TW: Weight and diet reference!)

God, come on seriously? If you’re going to pull on MY DICK and fuck me over at least take me out to dinner first! You ask me a question knowing I ask the questions around here? Like I give a shit…I’m already writing the next lunchtime poll question, it’ll be pretty very. Corn Nuts are everywhere, asshole. It’s not a party WITHOUT CORN NUTS! My parents are paying our teacher’s GODDAMN SALARIES you don’t think I could get my own Corn Nuts even if they were discontinued? My parents could buy the whole company AND I COULD MAKE IT RAIN CORN NUTS UNTIL NEXT SEMESTER IF I WANTED TO AND STILL NOT LOOK LIKE THE BEFORE IN A SCARSDALE DIET AD! Only a POOR PILLOWCASE WITH A SMALL HOUSE would have to worry about Corn Nuts shortages!

Oh, looking for some free advice now? Quelle surprise. It’s always the gross nobodies and lame asses always asking how to be like me. But since I’m feeling nice and charitable I’ll help you out, that is, if you’re cut out for it. I teach real life to the first graders who want to become grown ups like us. Success is something you earn. It’s not given out to pathetic freaks who want it without working for it like a hand out. You want be an eagle you have to grow a pair and learn to fly. Life doesn’t give you seatbelts to cushion you, wastoid! If you don’t earn your place among all the happy kids in the candy store then you don’t deserve to live the dream.

Uhhhh, do I look like a charity to you, asshole? I know I at least dress better than those LOSERS who give away their clothes to the poor at Goodwill. Look, it’s nothing personal but I believe that if you cross me YOU DON’T GET TO COME BACK FROM THAT! Chances don’t come for free, they’re earned by the worthy and if you repay me with disrespect then you don’t deserve the right to a second chance! Wave bye bye to having friends and a reputation because I will make sure EVERYONE knows who to not eat lunch with on Monday unless they want to be doing janitorial services by CLEANING THE TOILETS WITH THEIR TEETH FOR THE REST OF THE SCHOOL YEAR! It’s always the good little girls and guys with something to hide. Jeez, cut me some slack and shut up already.

(TW: references to weight, EDs, and body shaming!)

(TW: very insensitive discussions of suicide!)

Kill myself? Jesus, don’t pop a Xanax you might choke on it. I’m not one of those “troubled teens” from the magazines. Grippy socks are for the gross and comatose. Nice try but I’m not going anywhere. The school needs me. Without me? Chaos. All the monkeys running loose in the gym! We need a strong leader to keep the zoo in check. I keep the GODDAMN ICEBERG FROM SINKING THE TITANIC! Pathetic losers kill themselves when nobody wants to listen to their WHINING anymore. The strong stay alive even when life gets tough. If I killed myself at every inconvenience I’d be dead by fourth period. I’m above the suicide statistic. I am the one percent. I can’t leave Heather and Heather to their own devices can I?

Bros-what? Someone’s been hanging out too much with the jockourage. Aw, been learning slang from Kurt and Ram? Well, that’s rich. Cause the only mosquito I see here is you. I would prefer you didn’t make me choose between my friends in front of the whole school. I love all of us Westerbergers! I guess if I really have to choose: uhhhh maybe Heather or Heather. Veronica too; she’s come so far but she’s still got a long way to go before she reaches true best friend. Does that answer satisfy you? Does it suffice? Quit farming hot gos where there isn’t any. Now fly away little mosquito unless you want to get crushed under my heel.

(TW: Homophobia and slurs)

(TW: Sexual content and slut-shaming)