my ability to tell white lies to strangers has gotten so much better over the past two years. for most of my life, saying anything that i knew wasn't true was basically impossible, and if i found out i had (unknowingy) said something false, i would usually freak out and be inconsolable for hours. you can probably imagine that this is not an effective way to go through life. i think being asked invasive medical questions by strangers all the time has given me a lot of practice at saying lies that don't matter.

i've been learning a lot from the book on training i've been reading, but i get so very flustered every time i read it. i always have to stop after a few minutes. and then i like that this happens, so i want to read the book more, and then i get even more flustered because i realize that the thing i'm learning about is happening

i think my behavior can be partially explained by the fact that my entire scalp itches and burns every second of every day, and it has for fifteen years. it's been pretty insignificant on the scale of my pain for two years now, but it shaped my relationship with my body from a very young age, and before i had emotional coping mechanisms for chronic pain it was very bad for my mood and my patience. i've never been good at communicating about my pain, but it's a shit ton easier in my twenties than it was at 13!