The Stargate Fandom Is My Happy Place

Yesterday morning I shocked the hell out of my boss by even showing up. About halfway through my shift, my sister called and said I should probably come to the hospital. I immediately broke down in the back room after telling her I couldn’t go, I couldn’t see him like that. Jimmy came in the back and sat with me for a while while I cried and talked. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I obviously was in no condition to work, couldn’t see my daddy like that, but didn’t want to go home and be alone. I ended up going to the hospital and sitting in the waiting area they have by the elevators, that way I was nearby. The priest from church came, gave him last rites. The chaplain even stopped by and my sister sent him over to me when they were done talking. We sat and talked for about ten minutes, he was very kind. I picked my nephews up and we went out for dinner while my bro and sis stayed at the hospital. When I finally went home last night, I asked my brother not to call me, just let me sleep, if they got the call in the middle of the night, hoping I’d get a good night sleep. I slept like a rock, but still woke up around 5am.

After breakfast I went over to their house, I’d rather be surrounded by family than home alone. My brother and sister went to spend the day with dad at the hospital and I stayed at their house with my nephews. After a while I decided to walk around Walmart to get out of the house for a while, and the boys came with me. Then we went to Wawa for coffee, brunch, and snacks. I spent the afternoon watching Stargate while passing time on my phone. Then we drove to Wendy’s and picked up dinner. Today was a day where I didn’t care about money or calories.

My brother and sister got home a bit after six, and I knew from her expression that he was gone. It happened at 5:17pm and he was surrounded by family. He’s at peace now, and reunited with mom. I’m still stunned, yet not. And obviously really sad. We knew this day would come with the aneurysm, but a week ago he seemed fine, so in that regard it was sudden. But once the decline started, it was quick. But he was inpatient hospice and they had him on pain meds to ensure that he was comfortable and free from any pain.

I’m so grateful to my brother and sister for being there for Daddles so that he wasn’t alone, especially because it wasn’t something that I could do.

After getting back to their house, we played a game they got in Japan last month called Down Down Dungeon. It's a quick, easy to learn game of strategy and luck.

On the way home I picked up two pints of Ben & Jerry's at Wawa, planning on eating one once I got hungry again. I was so exhausted from everything, both yesterday and the days leading up, that I basically just became one with the recliner and never got the oomph to stand up and get the ice cream out of the freezer.

I went to bed at like 7 because I was so tired, slept a bit fitfully, and woke up around 5.

Today hasn't been too bad so far. Word is getting around work, and I'm happy about that because that means that everyone will know and I won't have to answer questions. I've gotten texts from 2 more people sending their condolences this morning, which is so thoughtful and appreciated.

I'm still kind of numb. Like, not feeling anything, but I have moments of sadness where I cry. But most of the time it's just an empty feeling.

Somehow I feel like I'm skipping the first three stages of grief, the denial, anger, and bargaining. Like, as much as this fucking sucks, I knew it was coming and that there was nothing anyone could do about it when the time came. So that means I'm in the depression stage, I guess. And just there, because I don't feel like I've reached acceptance yet. Like, I know that it's real, that he's gone, but it doesn't feel real yet, it feels like a waking nightmare. I don't know. I think I'm trying to stay analytical so I don't feel quite as much maybe? Because when I feel, it feels awful. My mommy and my daddles are gone, I'm an orphan. I know life will go on, but that feels impossible. How will things be normal again? Why isn't the world stopping to acknowledge this loss? How does everything just continue. I don't even know, I'm just sitting here crying and typing, not even thinking, the words just coming out. I know he's with mom now. He really missed her, and I'm sure they're happy to be reunited once more. And I know they're both there watching over us. But that's not the same.

Hell, maybe I am a bit in denial. Like, I know what happened, but, like, how is that possible? How is he gone, just like that?

I'm so grateful for the time we were able to spend together last month when my brother and his family were in Japan. I'd set him up for the day with breakfast, made sure he took his meds, had drinks set out for him, left out lunch for when I was at work, we'd have dinner together, spend some time in each other's company watching tv and talking a bit, then I'd get him ready for bed. On some of my days off we'd go out for lunch. We did Perkins a few times, IHOP, and PJ's Pancake House. Each time he was so excited and looking forward to it. We'd share a great meal and conversation, and he would talk about it for days. He said, after the first lunch out, that it was the best meal he'd had in a long time because it was with his daughter. That was so sweet. I think we both really appreciated those times together. One day after lunch we even stopped at my Starbucks for coffee and he got to briefly meet a few of my coworkers. A few times we stopped at Dunkin on the way home to pick up coffee for him. Last month was really hard on me, physically, and a bit mentally, with his care and petsitting on my plate, in addition to my responsibilities at home, and I hate that I complained about it sometimes, even though I knew the time with him was special. The complaining was never about having to care for him, though, it was more with logistics, and fitting everything in in a schedule that made it all possible.

Please, if you're still reading this, cherish the time that you have with your loved ones, that time is special, and you never know when it is going to end. Enjoy their company, appreciate them, love them. Make memories. Say yes to things, do things together.

he's such a dad and he and selmak are so married. i was obsessed with the Seth episode when selmak said "your father is IRRITATING me with his avoidance issues" and then tealc ate him up with "do humans not love their children unconditionally?" and he had to suck it up and go fix things with his son

canon is what happens in the text. e.g. merlin tries to poison morgana

a headcanon is a fact that you have personally made up as an elaboration of canon. it is your invention. e.g. i think morgana and gwen had a teenage lesbian situationship before the events of canon. or, i think modern morgana would love evanesence.

an interpretation is how one reads the existing text. it is not an invented fact nor is it a headcanon, it is a reading. e.g. i think merlin tries to poison morgana out of misplaced self-hatred. or, i think that one line was delivered with suppressed malice and shows a nuanced relationship.

fanon is the general fandom’s accepted headcanons and interpretations that elaborate or recontextualize canon. e.g. merlin is a badass waif and morgana is a bitch.