My search for wisdom

Now i can feel them behind my eyes green as they have ever been but tinged in envy i never used to be like this i once thought of all of this like a gift

now the shakes the god dame shakes have me like a golfer with the yips forgetting my style maybe even my gifts

in the old days the all or nothing days i could buy my pain with time i could trade my sorrow with the strength in my spine

In a time of colors and banners

in an era of ethos and pathos

beneath the blanket of a sky

filled with a kind of hate stars cant see

a toxin binds the soul

we are the water

we are the last bastion

and empty cell

a new adaptation

we where once all among the many

left to the diaspora of a generation

of consumers

we come home

a gathering hoard of new

The first day I was numb. I literally went to a gas station got a 6 pack of beer and drank it in the living room floor eating pita chips and laughing at modern family. She txt me when she got home, and she told me that I was the best boyfriend she ever had and that she was sorry that she was unattracted to me and that she truly loved me as a person. I told her she was the best girlfriend I ever had and that I will miss her. She echoed the same sentiments, and I said goodbye and have a good night.

Day two was a bitch. I worked the early shift in the or that day. I walked into work, and everyone was going about the business of a hospital in motions. People where exchanging small talk and people where bullshitting. I felt nothing for the first two hours. The first person who asked me about how my relationship was going. I told her that I had broken up and I was doing bad. She hugged me. People don’t hug me. I walked into the bathroom and cried. The weird thing was this was the first time that I had been hugged in a long time where I felt genuine emotion. I realized I hadn’t had any real feeling with eh people I was with.

Knowing how hard I was being on her for breaking us up I understood it was me who should have. It made me very sad to think of her in a negative way. I Wanted to txt her sorry about us, but I remembered I told her I wouldn’t. there where these moments of realizes where I had nothing to tell her and moments where she had nothing to tell me. There where silent car rides and our dates where so mechanical that it just felt like work. I didn’t see it then because I was so proud and happy to be with someone that wanted to be with me.

So I whipped my eyes and I walked back into he department. People had spread the word because hospitals full of woman with a vested interest in your life care for you they let everyone, and their mother know what’s up. Someone put me on the go home early list. A few people walked up to me and rubbed my shoulder. One guy tanner pulled me aside and he said Hey man I think your better off. You see tanner was the guy who I would talk to about the dates was as going on. He is an ass but a kind and friendly ass.

Tanner looked me in the yes and he spoke. “Fuck bro it’s about time, you know you could do better than her and you know that you are worthy of someone who will actually care for you” I told tanner, “Thanks buddy your right I just feel hurt and unattractive and ill be like this for while and I’m sorry if I’m a bummer”. Another peer Alicia who I am maybe the closest with at my work was so kind. She said ‘feel your feelings but mopey for two weeks and then shake it off”. I am thankful for the people I work with.

So, the day churns and I get the work done. Josh another guy I work with walked up to me and told me that I could go home. I was sitting alone Infront of one of the rooms and I told him really? Josh said yeah go home buddy. I walked over to the lead in the department that da and I asked if it was ok if I left and she spoke. “Jarrod, you go home, and you be happy, I know it sucks now but you bee happy” there was a time in my life where I could have said I hated her. I have more respect for her every year I work with her.

So I changed out of my surgical scrubs and I drive home. I played bayside a punk band about break ups, and I kept thinking I’m not that sad. I’m not that lonely. I get home and I take a shower and my sister txt me “how are you doing” I said I’m fine everything is ok. I get home and shower and I sit on my bed I look at my phone and I think damn. I had made plans, I had goals and expectations. All those things feel away, and I was truly and utterly alone. I came to the realization that I was by myself, and I was going to have to entertain myself for the foreseeable future.

Three hours later I drove to my parent house crying in my car to an Aaron west song. I get to my parents’ house and i can’t tell them about the breakup. I finally get it out and my parents tell me they love me and its going to be fine. I thank them as you do. I’m lost alone and lonely and I drive home. Empty and cold.  For the last 4 days I’ve been drunk and depressed destroying myself.

Before the sprinklers kick in

And the soft mist of the morning

Gets washed into the gutter

When the safe lights turn off

And the first rays of sun cut the night

You’ve rolled onto your side

Fingers numb from sleep

A weird film on your teeth

You check you phone

With blue light crashing

You look to see something familiar

But it’s gone, or maybe it’s right

Maybe everything is put right

Where life needed it to be

Serendipity set back in motion

Zero notifications

Less distraction

There’s calm in the quiet mornings

They are crying and your crying and the world is falling away

They are sad and you are sad

And there’s nothing left between you

She’s crying and your crying

And you just want her to be happy

And you just want her to be ok

So you’ve got her face in your hands

And your whipping tears of her face saying it’s going to be ok