MyReadingJournal

Consider some facts about how American employers control their workers. Amazon prohibits employees from exchanging casual remarks while on duty, calling this “time theft.” Apple inspects the personal belongings of its retail workers, some of whom lose up to a half-hour of unpaid time every day as they wait in line to be searched. Tyson prevents its poultry workers from using the bathroom. Some have been forced to urinate on themselves while their supervisors mock them.

About half of US employees have been subject to suspicionless drug screening by their employers. Millions are pressured by their employers to support particular political causes or candidates. Soon employers will be empowered to withhold contraception coveragefrom their employees’ health insurance. They already have the right to penalize workers for failure to exercise and diet, by charging them higher health insurance premiums.

How should we understand these sweeping powers that employers have to regulate their employees’ lives, both on and off duty? Most people don’t use the term in this context, but wherever some have the authority to issue orders to others, backed by sanctions, in some domain of life, that authority is a government.

We usually assume that “government” refers to state authorities. Yet the state is only one kind of government. Every organization needs some way to govern itself — to designate who has authority to make decisions concerning its affairs, what their powers are, and what consequences they may mete out to those beneath them in the organizational chart who fail to do their part in carrying out the organization’s decisions.

Focus is something you hear from a young age, focus on this, focus on that, why don’t you remember these things. And you don’t think it’s abnormal, because people forget things, they’re people. And maybe you forget to tie your shoes and people make fun of you for it, but you don’t mind cus it’s a quirk, you’re just forgetful that’s all, and in children that is fine.

Then you enter school. Your teachers ask you to sit still in chairs, or to be quiet, or to stop drawing, or to pay attention or combos of them all. And it’s hard, it’s so hard to do those things and when you can’t manage it, you’re misbehaving. Maybe your grades start to drop because everything seems to slip by, the board in front of you might as well be covered in fog for how well you can focus on it. Or maybe you skate by because the work is easy, you might not be able to focus on the lessons entirely but you can force yourself to tune in for just enough to stitch it together. 

It doesn’t matter which one you are, or if you’re another. Eventually, at some point, you come to a conclusion. Because people won’t let you forget it, how easy it should be to remember to eat lunch, how easy it should be to study by reading over notes, how easy it should be, how easy-

Focusing is natural for everyone else. They don’t have to think about it like you do. They struggle sometimes, for sure, but often clicking in is just natural. Focus is a choice. 

Focus is not a choice for you. It’s an effort. It’s the hardest work you ever do when you’re not interested in something and someone wants you to watch a board and listen to them talk work for word. It’s like keeping eye contact for a straight hour without blinking. When you can keep focus, it tires you, takes everything you have, and you hate that it’s so easy for everyone else. And when you can’t, when you catch the first five minutes and a thought drifts your way and suddenly the lesson is over, you look at your empty page of notes and wonder why you keep fucking it up.

You start to feel stupid. Maybe your grades reflect it. Maybe they don’t. Either way it starts to stick, how everyone else can do this so easy and you can’t. Like you’re supposed to be able to do it. People get frustrated with you, why don’t you remember this conversation, why can’t you study, god if you only tried-

You want to scream you try. You try your heart out. But everyone seems to certain you don’t. The things that help you focus better, chipping nailpolish off, drawing, tapping your leg, are all signs you’re not giving it your all. They’re signs you’re lazy. You wonder if your trying isn’t enough. Maybe you’re supposed to give everything. You stop your drawing, your movements and your grades slip and it’s not supposed to be like this, you’re stupid, why are you so stupid-

Maybe one day, you realize you’re not stupid. It’s brain chemistry. Maybe they give you drugs that help and suddenly the world is a little clearer, and focusing is easy and was it supposed to be this easy, is that why no one got it? Because they never knew what it was like to cling off the edge of an icy ledge and have no purchase? Or maybe drugs don’t work and you find other ways to work, move lectures to hands on assignments, study by writing yourself practice exams and filling them out yourself, drawing problems to see them rather than to focus on an abstract. Maybe it helps some days. Maybe it doesn’t. But you know it’s not you and that’s what counts. 

You still feel stupid though, some days. When you forget your keys, or laugh too loud, or forget fragments of conversation. Because it’s supposed to be easy and you can’t quit that thought no matter how hard you try. Except-

Sometimes, with some things, things you really care about, focus isn’t a problem. Maybe it’s a tv show you like, maybe it’s a hobby you enjoy, maybe it’s a subject you can’t learn enough about. It’s something that matters, something that you love. There you can focus. You can do more than focus: you can tune out the rest of the world like it’s nothing. The world centers to you and the thing, and until you pull yourself out, it remains that way. In this world, you’re never stupid. You’re just you, and you can see everything in front of you crystal clear. 20/20.

You put the thing you love away. The real world awaits.  When you get up, you forget to bring your empty mug of tea with you.

It’s fucking noon right now. Bae is traveling back to Cali from Florida so I can’t rant to her about how fucking frustrating my day has been so far so hi Tumblr. In chronological order, here are all the fuck yous ADHD has thrown my way today.

1. Could not sleep last night. Got 4 hours of sleep. Thank the lord for the app Sleep Cycle to help me wake up when it is best for me to wake up on days like this. If it wasn’t for it, I’d still be zombing around because I’d pick a time to wake up that’d be in the middle of rem cycle. That shit is the worst.

2. Woke up “early” to fucking go to the gym when it opened (11am). It’s Spring Break so the gym will close at 1pm and not open again until 4, which, in my fucking humble opinion, is the worst time to work out. Keep in mind that it took so much effort to get my unmotivated ass out of bed, off of youtube, and then off of all the other distractions that I was so tempted to engage with. Before I got in the car to drive to the gym, I came back to the house twice. I’d forgotten my fucking water bottle then my fucking car key. 2. I get into the fucking car, drive to the gym, get out and walk to the door. I remember that I lost my fucking ID i don’t know how fucking long ago so I ring the let-my-sorry-ass-in-please button. The person at the desk rings the door open for my ass. I walk in say “hi, I forgot my ID” expecting a “no worries, we cool” type of response and almost kinda assumed that’s what this nice white boy just said cause was i paying attention? No, no. Four seconds later, I digest what this RA- looking white boy just said and anger, frustations, and all the other feelings set in. He said, “I’m sorry but if I can’t let you work out without your ID. It’s a liability thing.” What i said in response was something like “what? really? You see, I have no idea where it is so I can’t just go back and get it right now. Would it be okay if I give you my emergency contact info just today? I kinda really need to workout.” All along intrusive thoughts are like, while you speak and try to make coherent sentences and explain to hint to this white boy you good so you won’t really cause any problems and you really need to work out, Imma try to think about 20 half-baked ideas why he might be being so fucking petty about this; this might be his first day, so he following every petty rule Stupid Commander In Chief lady in charge of the gym has told him to follow. Do i not look like a fucking students? Why the fuck this is funny? He is saying sorry, but is he really? Should I let myself lose it on his ass? Would me telling him that I know exactly how the fucking policy works make a difference? I fucking did his job during the summer yet I still let it slide when some student forgot their stupid ID. Actually, EVERYBODY but his petty ass is chill about this policy because we are at Whitman and everybody is chill but him. How does he look like the fucking Prime Whitman stereotype yet have no chill? I feel so bad for half wanting to slice his skinny, ashy, unshaved throat with my eyes and get him fired but I just give him a “alright, I’m done talking with your stupid bureaucratic ass” look and after he apologizes for the last time, I mumble “no worries, it’s nkt your fault” and leave. As i leave i can feel him following me with his eyes from the front desk. I can’t help but start complaining to myself outloud about this bullshit as I get back in the car. I know he stilk looking and I kinda want him to know that today, he might have ruined my fucking day for being so fucking petty and if I see him around, he better at least remember with his neurotypical, beauracratuc brain my bun, my eyes, my voice and try to avoid me like the plague because i might just give him the biggest shade I’ve given in my life. I have close to zero self-control and I’m not about to try to waste the little amount that I do have on his sorry ass…