my queer transformation @myqueertransformation - Tumblr Blog

I am coming out. In 2021.

It is December 31, 2020. The last day of a cruel year. A year which equals the COVID-19 pandemic, causing million of deaths. A year with regional and national lockdowns, causing mental problems among the world wide population.

This year, however, is also a good year for me. I quit drinking and using drugs in 2020. Except for one pack of cigarettes because a semi mental breakdown during the second COVID wave in the Netherlands, I also haven’t smoked. I am planning to continue this in the year 2021. And beyond.

Being sober also caused some changes. Or perhaps these are not changes at all, but stuff I started to notice about myself. Or better: to acknowledge.

According to my passport, and other documents, I am a 28 year old male human being. I grew up in a ‘simple’ family. My parents did not go to college. Nobody in my family did. There is nothing wrong with that, but looking back I realize my parents and family lacked a broad worldview. For a long time, this also applied to myself.

My father was physical and emotional abusive. This is one of the reasons, I think, I started using (or better: abusing) alcohol, nicotine, and later also cocaine, to escape reality. Even when I started to live on myself after attending college, I kept using and abusing to escape reality. The reality of stress, lower than expected grades, bills, financial problems, and the life long feeling of not fitting in.

The vicious circle continued to exist and problems became worse. I was scared to be at home, because I was scared debt collectors would show up. Therefore, I started to drink as early as possible at places other than my home. Until a few years ago, when I, terribly ashamed, looked for help. Within a year and a half I was debt free.

I also tried to cut down drinking, and especially cocaine usage. While two Dry Januaries were successful, I failed in keeping ‘Dry’. So at the end of 2019 I searched for help. Which I found. After Dry January 2020 I remained dry.

My overall health improved drastically. And something else also improved: my mind. Everything was so much clearer, for the first time I could sort out my feeling. And then I started to be confused, and at the same time relieved. While, as a white male, having had two different girlfriends, I started to question my sexuality. I noticed I was also interested in men. In fact, I started to remember that since my puberty I had a few romantic and sexual encounters with men. But ashamed as I was in those days, I tried to forget it and I hoped by not remembering it, it also didn’t happen. But this year I remembered those moments, and I acknowledged them.

I am not straight. But, I am also not gay. I thought for a period that I must be bisexual. But I realized, I don’t care about somebody’s sex. I can fall for someone’s personality, regardless of their gender or sex.

In 2020 I found out I am Pansexual.

But my queer adventure just started. I am still learning, evolving, transforming. Today, on December 31, I am almost a full year sober. And since a few days, or weeks, I started to remember, and acknowledge, new stuff.

Some moments I am extremely sad, because I am finding this out on a later age. I even sometimes think that my life because of this is ruined. What is my life worth, when it can take years from now on before I can truly be myself. On other moments I am relieved, and happy. There are also moments, and I think these thoughts are most present, where I am very afraid to think this is all fake. That somebody would tell me to man up, grow the f- up and stop being weird about it.

But, while sobering up, my thoughts and my reflection in the mirror became less cloudy and started to become clear. Because of a healthier life, my body hair started to grow faster, and became thicker (or perhaps I just became able to notice this). And to be honest, I don’t like it. I was sad with these masculine traits.

And then, I also started to remember experiences and thoughts. As a toddler, I was dressing up as a girl, and performing ‘womanly activities’, until I was caught by my dad. Well, he took care of me ‘becoming normal’. A few years later, I still struggled with these feelings, and started to dress up as a girl, while playing with the boy next door. I asked him to not tell his parents, because they would tell my parents. Unfortunately, he could not keep it a secret and, well, it al ended.

Until recently, I was still feeling ashamed by these moments. I thought I was broken. From my puberty onwards, the feelings of wanting to be in another body kept returning. I kept pushing those feelings away, and promised myself that these were just weird, curious, ‘sexual’ feelings that nobody needed to know about. If I just kept proudly announcing I was a white, male heterosexual, nothing was and could go wrong. ‘I have had a girlfriend!’ I would say.

But not anymore. I have lived in the shadows for long enough. I kept smiling to other people, like nothing was wrong, while everything was wrong.

It is December 31, 2020. The internet now knows that I am queer. In 2021 I will know who I am and I will make sure other people will get to know the new me. Or actually, the real me. This queer adventure will be my queer transformation.

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