I sit patiently, intently listening to my inner voice. But all I hear is a void.
Some days I was able to hear different voices, some weren’t so nice but the others were... comforting. Comforting to a point to know that I wasn’t at least schizo. Maybe. I don’t know, it’s confusing to think about honestly. Trying to prove your sanity to another person is one thing, but trying to prove your sanity to yourself? That can get quite maddening.
YOU’RE SMARTER THAN THEY ARE
shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, no. No, you’re not. You’ve met people who were way, way smarter than you. You are not smarter than they are, they might seem a little slow but they are well capable of normal functions.
Now did that seem like a normal dialogue? To me? No, not really. Because that was a conversation that I had going in my head. Between two sometimes three different voices. Jutting into my brain at awkward times telling me obtrusive things like what they said above. Or, “Lie to him/her, they wouldn’t notice anyway...”
The line between my subconscious and... them gets pretty blurred sometimes. In moments of anxiety or pressure they can take control of the reins pretty easily. One minute I’ll be freaking internally, as you do, and the- ”TAKE YOUR POCKET KNIFE AND GOUGE HIM A NEW ORIFICE.” no, no, let’s calm down for a second. Did I, did I really just think that? No, that can’t be right. Let’s try again. I’ll be freaking out internally and then they take hold of the reins to our carriage and whip the horses like the fucking British are coming. Because after that it’s all hands on mothafucking deck.
In one instance I’m thinking about slicing my wrist up like a fucking barcode. Then, I’m thinking about this girl in front of me at Starbucks. How should I compliment this girl in front of me on her floral dress? Do I just tap her on the shoulder and say it? No, don’t bother her, don’t fuck up her day. Ugh, too much to think about right now.
I just can’t fucking hear right now. The voices. The ringing. The void. Is all a little too much right now.