My Lame Internet Home

My mom would always tell me to say I think I can.

But sometimes you can’t.

I can’t breathe,

I can’t sleep,

I can’t go on like this day after day.

Every day feeling a little more lost.

I’m dizzy and scared.

I just want to feel numb.

I keep going hoping to feel nothing,

But I just feel everything constantly.

Everyone’s weight on my shoulders and no one asked me to bare it.

I just keep picking it up.

I guess someone has to.

But someone doesn’t have to be me.

Is it too late to stop?

Can I just set it all down without everything falling?

Have I gone too far and set myself up for failure?

Creating every expectation and experience that has put me into the spot I’m in;

Can I uncreate?

Or do I just have to keep building and building till I don’t notice anymore?

I want to throw up but I can’t.

It’s always there just in the back of my mind.

I want to sleep easy and to feel loved and like I can be totally close to someone.

I just can’t carry everything on my own.

I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

Faster and faster and faster.

Tighter and tighter till I can’t breathe.

My heart racing with my thoughts.

Every second passing by,

It gets harder and harder to bare.

It’s not just a person,

Why is it so nerve racking?

It’s not just any person,

It’s cool. It’s fine. It’s Gucci.

Today wasn’t sad,

It wasn’t gloomy.

The sun was out and golden.

But why do I feel bad?

It’s cool. It’s fine.

The day was smooth,

It went better than can be.

But why is it just off?

It’s cool.

What can I say?

I guess I just get goofy sometimes.

College nights.

Drinking, partying, late nights studying?

Late maybe;

Laughing, looking at memes, dying hair.

Creating lame memories.

Thinking we’re funny, having a good time, eating bad food.

College nights.

A stream of consciousness.

Laying in bed after a hot shower on a winter night;

The wind chime in the window clanks and the heater below sways it like a spring breeze.

Turning into a melody that alludes to better times that are here even in the dead of winter.

Like you.

Oh how you bring warmth to my day,

From each good morning to your goodnights,

The thought of you next to me,

Enveloped in your arms and warm like my bed.

You create a sense of ease.

You melt away my winter.

Thing a day 2.0 #6 January 6, 2018

Thing a day 2.0 #5 January 5, 2018