My Haunted Rainbow

Having fun

With friends

While I am home

I can't go

Even if I wanted to

Because of you

And what you put me through

But you still can somehow

The memory is not enough to stop you

I don't know how I feel

Am I jealous

Or just hurt

It is a mix

Of so many things

Longing

Frustration

Crippling fear

A triggering of memory

That eats away at my dreams

A stolen future

Flashes of moments

That will never leave

Faces of people

That I cannot trust

When will it fade

Quickly as I can

Mosquitos buzzing thick as fog

Yet they are not the reason for my speed

Mud squelching

Time

Ticking

A pulling need

Poison Ivy logs

But I don't care

I just need to get back to you

Panic

Frantic

A peaceful fawn

The opposite of my reality

But I can't stop

Not even for a photo

Tick

Tock

How did I let this happen

I should never have left

Why won't my feet move as fast as my heart

I no longer avoid the mud.

I no longer watch my step

I no longer swat at the bugs

I no longer see any beauty

None of it matters

Just the frantic pull on my heart

I am coming

I promise

I will not fail you

I thought you knew me better

Than anyone ever had

I was never scared of that moment

Because it was about us

Now it is terrifying

Because how could I have been so wrong

I have dreamed of a thousand ways

But never could I have thought of this

So I guess you really surprised me

Now I just see all of the faces

Starring

People I'm not even friends with

Starring

Watching me squirm

Smiling through the most embarrassing moment that I can remember

Capturing my discomfort with pictures and video

Hair a mess

Tired

No makeup

Anxious

Baggy sweatshirt

Camera in my face

I should have ran

Would that have been any less humiliating?

Could you know me any less?

In someone's living room

I've never been

With a crowd watching

After a long anxiety ridden day

An unromantic speech

Women yelling at me to say yes

Nothing like me