Forget Me (Not)

messing up your own damn relationships wasn’t enough, huh?

had to go and cause trouble for them?

but i can taste wolfwood's fear more viscerally than anything. he doesn't want to die. so why?

why leave without me? why face your old master? have i forced your hand in some way? should i send you back? go back so that they don't clock you for being out of line?

he's going to die and i can't save him

even trying will make him angry

i'm sorry. i shouldn't have tried to leave without a word. but i still want to. and i think that's where i am at. i want to make this work. i want to love you and be loved by you but i don't know if we're compatible anymore. maybe i've always questioned it. i'm too soft at the edges and you're so sharp. you don't mean it. it's the way the world made you and it isn't fair.

i don't want to start over, because that ignores the progress we've made. and i think it also erases the mistakes, too. i want to own what i've done wrong.

but if we're going to make this work we need to talk about some things. and i know it will be hard and i'm going to fumble this but please, please, please be patient with me.

i want you to ask me if i'm okay when i'm upset. you say i don't look after you but i want to think that i do. i knew something was off with the scars but you wouldn't tell me. i don't blame you, when you knew how i would react and internalize it. but even still...

i also want to know about the moments you think you've reached out. maybe we can find where the miscommunication is. i don't want to come off as if i do not think you're trying. i know you are. so let me acknowledge that.

be honest with me. or at least tell me when you're not ready to be honest. you dodge my questions so often that i second guess myself. i can't tell when you're okay or not.

i can't ask you to empathize with someone like my brother or the things that i do when they run so counter intuitively against what you feel. even still, sometimes i need more comfort with these things. i don't know what to suggest here. i know it's not helpful.

you think i only love the idea of you and that scares me because maybe i do. but i also love the you that i see caring for lark. checking on him. the you that would have given everything to save his friend. and the you that i fall asleep to and wake up to in the morning. those are real. tangible.

romance me. even if... any of the above fails, feeling valued in some other capacity might be a panacea to that? sometimes i feel like i'm only there to give comfort. affection. passion. i want to know that you think of me as much as i think of you.

don't be afraid to check me. before it gets bad. before i spiral into self-pity. it might bruise but it keeps us from getting into these fights, right? tell me when i'm making a fool of myself and not listening to you.

but also understand that even if i can acknowledge your hurt, and care for you in that moment, some of these things have a profound impact on me. i know that it's partially my own fault for shouldering these responsibilities, but i still struggle to put into words just how deeply impactful the suffering tied to my brother and myself can be.

i want you to ask me if i'm okay when i'm upset. you say i don't look after you but i want to think that i do. i knew something was off with the scars but you wouldn't tell me. i don't blame you, when you knew how i would react and internalize it. but even still...

be honest with me. or at least tell me when you're not ready to be honest. you dodge my questions so often that i second guess myself. i can't tell when you're okay or not.

i can't ask you to empathize with someone like my brother or the things that i do when they run so counter intuitively against what you feel. even still, sometimes i need more comfort with these things. i don't know what to suggest here. i know it's not helpful.

you think i only love the idea of you and that scares me because maybe i do. i don't want to be that way. how can i be better. i don't know