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@my-ex-diary
"A-oh, A-oh, A-okay, if tomorrow was yesterday."

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2:34 pm So, um, I'm going on a family holiday... But not just the typical, oh, we're booking a place to stay and we're gonna drive two or three hrs to the beach and holiday in the sun there, go fishing and all that... This is different. This time, we're going to the biggest city in our country. This time, we're going to meet many people we know at a three-day meeting. This time, we're driving through the entire night, 14 hours odd. This time, we're staying at an air B&B and also spending one night at a hotel. This time, we're seeing the sights of Sydney. How crazy is all this!
4:32 pm It's funny how certain concepts only "click" in your mind as you grow older and have different experiences and learn more. Of of these concepts for me is the idea of having an ultimate leader and the necessity and function of this. To explain, I am often perhaps more anachistic or rebellious than perhaps is "right" at times, but I see the necessity of this structure so clearly that it strikes me as interesting. In a structure of humans who are in some sort of situation together for a concerted motive or any significant period of time, there must be a single power at the "top" of the organisation of humans who has the final say. The correct way for this to be accomplished is for everyone who wants one to have a voice that is valued and listened to, but to have a single power who will take consideration of the entire group and make final decisions. This is absolutely necessary, otherwise things could never be decided. In this structure, the final person holds a larger lump of responsibility than any other person in the group and they ought to be up to the take, having the necessary wisdom, openness, and discrection that would be needed in making these decisions for the group. If you look for it, this structure is used absolutely everywhere. Businesses have a CEO, workplaces have a manager, families have the father, churches have a pastor, countries have a prime minister or some other named supreme leader, schools have a dean/principle, and so on and so forth. You'll find that even casual friend groups work best when there is someone who will take the initiative to make decisions for the group in this way. This is so facinating to me.
9:04 pm Yesterday, I went to the shop to get food... (housesitting for a few days) and I left the shop with a bag of lollies and a bag of chips. Clearly, I do not know how to get FOOD. XD
Living my best community college life LOL
Being a flunky dumbass, and yet still being better than other student in my classes...
Looking at my measely, part-subsidised student fees and then looking at the outragous student debt heaps of americans are in...
But some people... just need to learn how to shut up. Maybe they should be introduced to a little thing called...
But amongst all this, I haven't had the wonderful experience of meeting a group of people who become my study group and eventually found family yet. Most of our study is online and the little we do in-class isn't ideal for socialising. RIP.
And now some memes...

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10:54 pm I asked for help today. I received help today. It felt good. Here are the results.
points for reaching out to introvert friends as an introvert: - send memes randomly - remember your introvert friends probably feel as awkward and afraid as you do and that they will appreciate you taking the initiative and stepping out of your comfort zone to arrange something - introvert friends do not need to socialise a lot, like even a few hours once a month can be fine - it's never easy to get people to gether with different schedules and stuff, so just communicate and work it out, everyone has trouble here - do some sort of activity or have something that takes the focus off of primarily talking/socialising - start with a simple text - an event that is a conversation starter and also a place where everyone can go and do their own thing if they want to
and now i'm thinking about conversation starters and also people being able to break into two or three person groups for easy introvert conversation for everyone
12:26 am two activities I NEED to do: go fishing roleplay
I've been wanting to get back into written roleplay for literal years now but I'm always too scared to commit. I need to just not take it so seriously and get started. It would be so much fun.
And fishing... well, I don't know... I just need to do it. It's been ages since I fished, although certainly not as long as since I roleplayed, and I'd love to go out and spend some time with a rod in the water.
8:27 pm three months later,,, I've got forums back again. let's gooo! you've missed SO much, I tell you! I'm thinking I really should back up my forum content somewhere. there's so much good stuff in these topics lol anyway, I might continue my habit of jotting down things here because I love re-reading my entries and having my memory jogged about things I've done and days I've lived...
So, yeah, I didn't say it before, but I'm not "feeling well" bc it's that time of the month. So anyway, because of that, I haven't studied today, even though I really should be cramming several assignments. And as I said, I didn't feel up to organising stuff and everything. I /did/ go the shops and then make myself sloppy-joes for dinner which amounts to about the entirity of my productivity today. Other more period-related activities I have done include: laugh at period memes, watch more SPN episodes than usual, think about napping, listen to a playlist that is more harsh than the music I've been listening to lately, and crave a good hug. Being on my own removes the stressors of having to deal with other humans during my hormone imbalances, but it also means I have no access to anyone to hug which is terrible. You know when you're really craving a specific food and you just want it now? That feeling, except for a good, strong, comforting hug. RIP.
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6:17 am I'm going to add throwing a Molotov Cocktail and spending the night in a hospital to my "bucket list."
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9:36 pm Today's soundtrack has been Ed Sheeran. Making an apricot pie with Ed Sheeran songs playing? I'm living the aesthetic, I tell you!
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10:26 pm
Looking at the semi-cool stuff I'm making for assessments now and thinking about the //truly// terrible bookmark design I once made because I had left the assessment too late and ended up doing the piss-poor thing on my phone at work right before the deadline... XD It was so bad!
Wow. Big day. Sunday. Things. Good.
"From the ashes a fire shall be woken, A light from the shadows shall spring; Renewed shall be blade that was broken, The crownless again shall be king."
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I got me a busy day ahead, and I feel a bit shxtty and not able to handle all these things I have to do.
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I'm gonna make myself sloppy joes... insert :melting_hearts: emoji
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I wonder if anyone would agree with me that people's hands, and the colour of their eyes are two things that you can't specifically look at without feeling like you're overstepping a boundary? Try it some time with someone you know but aren't too close too. Try checking out their hands or their eyecolour. Bet it'll make you uncomfortable. Lol.

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Okay, good enough start... I'm super happy with the cover slide of the library resource collection display I have to put together. That's all I've done so far, but starting is always hard and I like when I've created! I'm going to keep popping in here during the day because it's fun to talk about work instead of do it. 👍
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The walk I just went on was supposed to freshen my brain and give me the energy and enthusiasm to keep working but all it did was made me want pizza I don't have and left me feeling dead to study. EURGH. This is hard! How???
This morning I woke up at 6:51 AM! It took me some trouble getting to sleep after only half a day's consciousness but I did it and was rewarded with opening my waking eyes to the cold light of dawn! Sure, I've spent over an hour chilling in bed on my phone, but that's the sort of priveleged activity you get when you don't wake up with most of the day gone. XD
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just realised I'm getting swamped with catch-up study, so tomorrow (Saturday) is a full-on study day. no jokes. no skimping anymore. legit. i'm done with being behind and being a loser of my own making. this is changing. now.
Late at night, driving home tonight, I was being careful and stuff and at one point a what me and a brother of mine call "vroomy car" came up behind me. you know, gorgeous engine, tuned, powerful, all that... and I just kept taking the corners like a freakin grandma... (not technically quite that bad, but man, I'm shxt). It was a windy stretch of the road. Freaky corners and twists. I used to take those corners semi-carefully because it's really a trecherous stretch, but I would be zipping through there, leaving any car trailing me behind. Twist the wheel, Step on the gas, Stay alive. I was pretty great. But tonight... I was the thing I hated. I was that car in front that would be going unnecessarily slow. I was a lack of adrenaline and daring. I was dull, stupid, boring.
I had reasons though. Firstly, and the most weighty of the reasons, was I need to change my two rear tyres and the way my car has been driving lately, I simply don't trust it. If you're going to be driving at your own max ability, you have to trust your vehicle. It has to be willing and able to do exactly what you tell it to. I don't trust my car to keep grip or slow down perfectly at the moment. Therefore, I wasn't going to test it and find out that my normal driving was actually suicidal because I've got partly-bald tyres.
And that leads me on to my second reason. This one is also pretty considerable although I am starting to slightly and perversely hate it... The second reason is my recent spin out. I said it's taken the edge off my driving, and that "edge" is me seeking the thrill of cutting it close, testing the limits and driving my car at the max. It's like when you have something you really, really love eating. And then you eat way too much of it one day and it makes you feel sick and you're immediately turned off it. The next time you go back for a taste, you're not interested. It doesn't tempt you anymore. That's kind of how I feel with the state of my driving now. Sure, I do sometimes get a little whiff of the delightful scent of adrenaline, pride, and thrill, but with the combining force of not fully trusting my car at the moment, it's not appealing enough to me. I know how easily it can make me sick, so to speak.
My third reason is a based one as well and it's just that I was feeling tired tonight. The sort of 'worn out from a day, brain keeps making mistakes' tired that isn't overtired and doesn't leave you with a new life and the mistaken sense that you can do anything perfectly.
So in summary, as a TL;DR, I have become the thing I used to despise: a slow, cautious driver that doesn't "enjoy" the hills drive like it can be "enjoyed" and is way too "normal," euck.
That said, if there's one thing I'd say to the bxstxrds running around in their glorious monsters of modified cars and doing the shxt so I don't have to, it'd be... I hecking admire it.
For now, I'll have to settle with not coming home and ending the drive in a cathartic, ecstatic thrill born from the experience of racing my beloved car around a winding, hilly road some time late in the night, and defying drop-offs and native animals to drive at the maximum speed I was capable of, often far above the "recomended speed for xyz turn" signs. >.<
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Last night I got home pretty late, about 11:40pm or something, then I watched some TV and stuff before going to bed a bit later. I can't remember what time it was that I went to sleep, but it might have ended up been around 3:30 am. I was thinking about how I've 'matured' in certain areas and one of those being the way I have been keeping a fairly decent sleep schedule this time housesitting. I mean, I have pretty much been sticking to being awake in the day and asleep in the night like most people are, unlike last time I was here when I would love having the chance to stay away until five or six or later in the morning. Anyhow, I go to sleep and if I slept for the normal eight or nine hours, I would have woken up around midday. Instead... I come too, and open my eyes thinking I had woken up during the night for some reason because it's dark. I lay there for a bit, still waking up and clearing my head, and then I have the thought... This has happened before. Did I somehow sleep far too long and then wake up in the next evening? I grab my phone and check and sure enough... 6:45 pm. It's completely dark outside and I've slept for about 14 hours straight! I don't know what this means. I do believe in the 'sleep debt' thing, but that's usually only for recent sleep deficiencies. As I said, I've been getting pretty much enough sleep lately. Is it just because I'm a sound sleeper and nothing happened that could wake me up? I've slept through the gardener coming and mowing the lawns before. But that means that my body clock is broken, because even if nothing happens to wake me up, I should really be woken up at a decent time by my body clock, right? And it usually works out that way. I'll usually wake up after I get the normal eight/nine hrs of sleep. Not this time though. Or perhaps it's because it's getting colder and I'm going into hibernation. LOL.
it's funny, when people ring me and I answer the phone, they're surprised lol. I have trained them well. XD
Just offered to have Mother's Day/Mum's Birthday family get-together up at the place I'm housesitting. Am I going to regret this? Possible. I have plans though... - A mother's pass-the-parcel... - Pink decorations - Food of some sort :KEK:
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i'm just filling out this dxmn spreadsheet
I hate it so much
It's not even answering questions or whatever
I have to find publishing houses and review publications and other sites and literary awards and list them will all the necessary basic information
it's not technically so bad but it's repetative and time-consuming and I'm done with it
not really though, just mentally
in reality I still have to list fifteen publishing houses and five other resources of some kind
ughhh
and this is a comparatively "easy" assignment...
how am I gonna go when the going gets tough? huh?
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I just found this post back from last year and I still relate to this so hard...
"Ugh. I can be so interesting on my own, to myself, in my head, but as soon as you stick me with another living breathing human being... ugh, just bury me, pleassssseeee."

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Guess I stayed up until 4 am watching television. That's late even for me. I'm not mad though. It was intentional. I'm watching Parks and Recreation and Supernatural. Only got a month's trial free so I don't know how far I'll get through them. They're both great though! And this morning I decided to use no Internet. So I lasted until I was having lunch and had an hour to kill before I left at around 5 pm. So I watched one episode of SPN then which is fine. If I'm being honest, it was hard to not be using the net. I kept thinking, "I could go watch this, or this, or this" or "I could totally look up this interesting thing..." or whatever. I read and wrote and did my washing and rode the skateboard and there's wasn't much else for me to do. I think I need to find a new non-internet based hobby. Hmm. That one'll need some thought. I'd also like to spend more time writing. This just means I need to practice my self-control and buck my mental craving for the fun of watching YouTube or TV or whatever. I don't really have anything against those activities, but I just want to change some things.
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I went to sleep around 4:30 am last night/morning and just woke up at 5:30 pm... That is 13 hours sleep. Is there something wrong with me?
g o o d