MVJ WRITES

the golden afternoon dapples a park and

I cry, wishing the light would crawl across

my arms the same

Sun stroked golden branches

don't look quite right through a camera

they were SO yellow

I promise you

Hide behind the capture

The feeling crushes your being

The ripple of water tears your heart out

The song of a bird leaves you gasping for air

Let it drown

Let it die

Let it decay to mush

Will it always be like this

Until it’s third degree

And you’re burning my skin

For a moment it feels just like

Sitting safely by a warm fire

Matching pajamas

But if it’s right

Is it supposed to drown me

In crests and troughs

Ten times over

I never did know how to swim

I feel,

I want to.

The day of sun blistering your cheek

Years of new days ahead

Sitting in my damp t shirt with you

I hope a setting sun and the music you like

Makes you know that you are loved

I hear you cry through the wall we share

In the afternoons your feelings are bigger than you are

I remember myself

I love you unconditionally

A way that is hard to believe

I danced around my room last night

My window my audience

My costume my nightgown

No mirrors

I won't see the way my face scrunches

My fat cheeks

My unplucked brow

My body like blubber

I feel the vibrations in every cell

Letting the girl inside cheer and screech

Letting her scream

Letting her cry

I never should have been made to feel

The pain of an age

Decades away

From that moment

I was young

I was stupid

I was deeply disturbed

I have never felt such a deep, raw terror

Since the age of twelve

I am brave and powerful. I am the strongest you will ever meet. I have achieved more in my life than you can even begin to dream of for yours. I fight and I win.

I am a goddess. You tell me this. I let you in, mercifully.

You spin your words like a playwright. You love it. You kiss me hard, spinning me until I am dizzy and drunken - and I flood. I let you open me like an orange and bite hard enough to taste the citrus on your tongue. I tell you the true things about me. I'm left bruised and I say nothing. I am sick and in love with the feeling of being adored.

You bring me offerings like a cocaine rat stuck in a maze, pleading that the next blind move will lead to escape - to success.

In the quiet, I am fragile. I lay in my bed, so paper thin I make no noise when I break. You are there, watching. With every breath you live a hero in your own mind. Selfishly you sink your teeth into every part of me. Getting off to the idea I would write this about you.

Your love is primal - it is stunted - it is young. I see the little boy with a big heart alive in you. You are still him, always him, playing and crying and laughing and always, always, always and forever just a boy. A stupid boy - blinded by lust and thinking of exactly nothing as you wholly hand yourself over. I am doomed to realize this.

I am scared for you

to grow into hate

To despise the way you look

the same as me and momma

To yell so loud you shatter

And to come back empty

As you were before

I may never forgive myself

for the scars on your face

Your mirror will lie to you

So will your mother

Sister, please hold on