ℂℍ𝕀𝕃𝕀𝔻𝕊ℍ 𝔸ℝℝ𝕆𝔾𝔸ℕℂ𝔼 𝕊𝕋𝕀𝕃𝕃 𝕊𝕋𝔸𝕀ℕ𝔼𝔻 ℍ𝕀𝕄 after all these years, and maybe it was his lack of need for approval that had shaped him this way. he had been taught that love was foolish, and that respect was earned from showing you could demand it, but chose not to. troye had grown up with all the right values with all the wrong motives, and in the end it had only damaged him. he wasn’t seeking the approval of his parents — he had, once, but those times were gone. still, he was still his father’s son, still his mother’s child, and he was still just a boy no matter how much he liked to believe he could take on the world alone.
he remembered the first serious girlfriend he had ever had when he was seventeen — how they would tear each other apart by the throats and then have fingers intertwine to heal the wounds they made. they had kissed as if they had tried to breathe right out of each other’s lungs, and troye had mistaken it for love. he could remember the first time had had opened up, and she had told him that success was random, that luck was the bane of everyone’s existence, that there would come a day where he’d grow up and realize that he had no reason to feel the way he felt. but tears still ran in mansions and it made the downfall sweeter. so he had toughened up and built walls again — and no matter what hoseok said in that moment, he was attacking barriers that were hard as steel and immovable as such.
and still, somehow the other male had managed to pry open a window, just a crack for the light to get in, and the older sighed. «no, i don’t mind,» he mumbled. at least if hoseok talked about himself, maybe he’d forget troye had just made a fool out of himself a second prior. «i don’t know, hoseok. i guess a part of me hopes, you know ? like the fucking fool i am.»
IT WAS WITH OBVIOUS EMBARRASSMENT that hoseok shook his head, looking out the window so that he wouldn’t have to face troye on the opposite side of the couch. “i always talk too much,” he said softly, replaying all the times he’d been reprimanded in the past. “it’s nothing important, you know ? it’s just a memory ...” his mother’s warm smile flashed by and he let out a small sigh, that long since lost every bit of emotion and settled on acceptance. the situation was what it was, it only hurt to go over every little memory like it would change anything.
he sighed, again ( sometimes it felt like that was all he ever did unless he was asked to smile ), and wondered why he couldn’t ever be satisfied. all day he had lied in bed, either still shivering from charles’ touches or waiting in his lingerie for him to come back. he had wished he didn’t have to be alone. the staff were okay, but they preferred to keep to themselves ( and who would willingly spend time with him without collecting the reward he presented ) so for the most part hoseok was alone. and now, now that he wasn’t and now that troye was here hw wondered if it hadn’t been easier if he’d spent the rest of the weekend on his own.
troye’s tentative words made him look over, immediately regretting it because he never knew how to react with him around. he was used to the snapped words and burning glares. not things like this. “it’s not foolish to have hope,” he whispered. “i hope for a lot of things ...” the words were cut off with a small laugh. his mother’s smile flashed before his eyes again, before fading into the background. “but maybe i am just a fool as well.”