Always Be Kind

It's my 14 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

Our internet was restored yesterday, after 2 full weeks without. I didn't mind the time away from social media or TV at all, but it was very frustrating not to have any form of reliable communication, especially the first week when cell towers were also down and we basically had a communication blackout. That made it very hard to even let family know how we were doing day to day. Most concerning was just trying to find out who and where people needed help the most and actually getting it to them with so many roads blocked by downed trees, poles, and electrical wires.

There are still people who don't have electricity two weeks out and counting. A camp of over 1100 linesmen was set up at our fairgrounds at the beginning of this past week, and we are SO thankful for every single one of them, leaving their families and coming from all over the country to help, I believe even Canada, putting in long hours, sometimes in unpleasant circumstances.

The amount of poles and transformers they've had to replace is staggering; so much so that they have been using a high school parking lot as a staging area and a place to deliver stacks of electrical poles because they were basically starting from scratch and rebuilding the entire power infrastructure.

We are also very thankful for the tree and yard guys from all over who have come to offer their services at reasonable rates. We had several young guys from Minnesota and Indiana come and help us clear all the downed trees and debris from all over our yard yesterday, as well as remove the tree through the garage roof so the contractor will be able to repair it. What they knocked out in an afternoon with their equipment would've probably taken us months to clear on our own, and they did a fantastic job.

It's hard to believe this huge mess all started two weeks ago yesterday. It feels more like at least a month since anything has felt even close to normal. Last night was the first night things felt almost normal for us, if you ignore the giant hole in our garage roof with a tarp over it.

I'm glad to live in a community where people look out for and take care of each other. I'm heartened to know that people will come from far and wide to help their fellow humans in need when disaster strikes, and anything we might disagree on just falls away; we're just there for each other. I have always believed that's how the vast majority of us are at our core, but it has helped restore my faith in humanity to see so much of it in action these past two weeks.

Situations like this bring out the best and the worst in people, and while there have been a few incidents of people being their worst, the overwhelming response has been people at their best, feeding people, offering all kinds of aid, water, warm showers, a spare bed, lending generators, donating supplies, bringing gas from out of town when it was in big demand and hard to get, clearing driveways and roads for neighbors and strangers alike, restaurants feeding linesmen and first responders free, the list goes on and on.

April definitely started out with a LOT of bangs, quite literally. Today I am so appreciative of a bright sunny day that even at 50 degrees feels so much warmer than the last two weeks.

I'm bummed that my lawn swing was destroyed, which is my favorite place to enjoy the sunshine, but thankful that even though we will have to replace many damaged or destroyed items, it wasn't worse and, as far as I know, miraculously, no one was seriously injured through all this. With all the falling limbs and trees over such a large area, someone so easily could've been seriously injured or even killed.

Since a state of emergency was declared by our governor, National Guard has been brought in to help clear trees from the roads because so many roads have been completely blocked. Linesmen have come from all over, working in very long shifts around the clock in cold, wet, and dangerous conditions (THANK YOU) because so many poles and lines have snapped that they've said it's not restoration and repair, it's basically rebuilding the entire power infrastructure in many areas. Some areas may not get power back for weeks because so many miles of poles snapped, transformers broke or caught on fire, lines down everywhere, trees down everywhere. They've repaired miles of power lines and poles only to have it all come down again. The damage is just unbelievable. I'm seeing it and it's still hard to fathom.

We're used to harsh weather, we prepared for an ice storm, for a few days without power, the usual trees down, etc. There was no way to prepare for THIS amount of damage. They've called it catastrophic. Linesmen with decades of experience said they've never seen anything like this. One compared it to the damage from a CAT5 hurricane, except that a hurricane stops and this just kept on going.

I've seen plenty of ice storms over the years, but I have never seen anything like this, with ice at least an inch thick on everything. It was more like 3 ice storms back to back that built on top of each other over a 3-day period. We were hunkered down with the generator and blankets, and then suddenly the trees started snapping and dropping huge limbs, everywhere.

I am not exaggerating even a little bit when I say once it started, a limb or a whole tree would break and fall every 1 to 2 minutes, all day, all night, for at least 48 hours. It was so nervewracking, especially at night when it sounded like gunfire or small bombs going off and we couldn't tell where it was going to hit, constantly bracing for impact.

Many fell RIGHT next to our house, so close the branches hit the windows, but thankfully didn't break through. We did have a whole tree fall on our garage and broke through in at least 3 places, with a giant hole in the roof, but thankfully not on our house.

So much fell on our house roof so hard though, that we still have to have a contractor come and check for hidden structural damage to the house when he comes to assess the garage roof. An insurance guy is flying in from Pennsylvania next week to come and assess all the damage for our homeowner's claim. We have a pretty long list and daily discover something to add to it.

Our deck is barely visible under the piles of tree limbs that broke our new grill, completely smashed the patio furniture, the lawn swing, my raised plant bed, our dock is damaged, the list goes on.

We also have major damage to both our vehicles as well as my Marine's truck that we're storing for him while he's overseas. First the big dents and paint gouges from limbs falling, then hail-like dents all over from the ice falling.

One neighbor has a huge tree on his vehicle, another has 2 on his garage, with the roof crunched in. The neighbors have worked together with chainsaws to clear the road to get out for gas for generators, only to have to clear it again to get back in. And then again the next day with more trees down, it took several people with chainsaws FIVE HOURS to clear the half mile to the main road because so much had again fallen overnight.

Lines for gas have been extremely long since with no power anywhere only 2 stations nearby could sell any. Even the city had no power with numerous poles and lines down on the main streets, so no stores open anywhere, no way to get emergency services to anyone.

If you've ever seen one of those movie scenes where they show a future apocalyptic ice age where the world has frozen over and everything is still, broken, and abandoned, that's what it's looked like here this past week.

There has been no internet at all because all the cables are down until who knows when. I saw report at least 10 cell towers were down. I've seen photos of at least 2 radio towers that broke and fell over because of the weight of the ice. A generator was being used to power cable internet in town so the city could have some communication out to try to get emergency aid to our area, and someone stole that generator. Others have had their generators and chainsaws stolen.

Situations like this really bring out the best and worst of people. Thankfully, the majority of it has been positive, with our community once again coming together to take care of people and help each other.

Today is the first day I've had any cell signal or access to the internet at all, I assume because power has been restored in many areas of the county, especially the city, and some of the cell towers as well, thankfully.

Our first estimate for restoration for us was for late yesterday, which was pushed to late today, which was pushed to tomorrow afternoon, and then an hour later pushed to maybe midnight Sunday. I can't say I'm surprised, knowing there were at least 800 poles down in just our county for just our electric provider to replace. That doesn't include the other counties with other providers.

I know on our road alone at least one pole is broken, the transformer is severed and lying on the ground, there was a tree on the line in front of my house, and both the power and cable lines to my house have been severed.

I know I'm rambling. This is basically just a brain dump. Even with all the extensive damage we have, we are still very blessed to be safe and relatively warm. My husband came within inches of a huge limb falling on his head when the trees first started breaking, before everyone realized it wasn't safe to be outside near anything overhead, but managed to just outrun it and only get scrapes and bruises. That was a terrifyingly close call.

I know there are some in our community who had big losses in the tornado just 2? years ago and haven't even been back to restored and normal for long, and some of them have suffered major damages again. I feel so badly for them. We will be trying to support people in our community any way we can, once we have communications restored so we can find out how we can help beyond our own neighborhood.

We keep hearing this is a marathon, not a sprint, to try to return to normalcy. The schools in our county are tentatively thinking they may resume next Wednesday without bussing because side roads likely will still be not passable for a school bus.

On the upside, with no electronic distractions available for an entire week and counting, I'm getting a lot of reading done. I haven't been able to work on anything craft wise because my hands are too cold, but reading I can do.

To anyone who owns a Kindle, I can say from experience now that a Kindle at night during a power outage is fabulous, and having a remote page turner so you can keep your hands under a blanket when you have only a space heater for warmth is absolutely worth the money spent for that item.

May, I'm already so disappointed by you. 😖

Ladies, if you need to vent some feminine rage, feel empowered, or just need a mood boost, give this song a listen. It's an absolute banger, and I've been listening to it since the full version dropped last week.

My Marine surprised me by coming home New Year's Eve. He colluded with his sister to surprise us, and I was SO surprised, and so darn happy to start the new year with all 3 of my babies together at home for a weekend for the first time since pre COVID.

Aaaaand then I got sick (likely caught something from the sick grandbaby who was also visiting that weekend who slept on me a lot and couldn't help sharing her germs, poor babe), quite sick, was sick the entire time he was home on his leave, and am still sick. Even worse, I got laryngitis the 3rd or 4th day he was home and couldn't even TALK to him the entire time, much less do anything for him or with him. I couldn't even make the 3-hour drive to the airport with him to see him off in the wee hours this morning. I had to say goodbye last night. This being sick for his whole visit was a mean and cruel trick, I must say. I've been on a prescription for almost a full week and have only somewhat improved and still have laryngitis, so I think I may have to revisit the doctor next week.

It did this momma's heart so much good to just have him about, hear his voice, hear him playing his guitar, watch him sleep, but finally having him home after almost 2 years and literally not being able to say a word to him for 90% of his time home was beyond frustrating, as was keeping my distance so as not to get him sick too.

I did at least get a couple good snuggles and some good hugs in before he left. I have to store those up in my heart and make them last until whenever we can go to him again, probably at least 9 months at the minimum.

So I'm very grateful and thankful for the time I had with him, but it's also a bit bittersweet. I was also frustrated for him because he wanted to come home to snow and snowmobile, etc., and we just had 30+ inches of snow the week prior for Christmas, but by the time he came home a week later, it had almost entirely melted away and there was almost no snow while he was home. So we'll probably get more next week now that he's gone again.

Merry Christmas!

It's a very nontraditional one for me. For the first time ever, I will not see any of my kids for Christmas this year, except hopefully on video chat. One of them was in a car accident this afternoon (not his fault) and his car is totaled, but thankfully he's okay, just starting to ache. I think he'll spend tomorrow taking it easy.

In case you're wondering what 20"+ inches of snow looks like. That car was driven yesterday morning at 8 a.m. and there was a path shoveled to it; the snow was calf deep on me upon return at noon. There's a 3-step deck under the snow in the second photo.

The sheriff's department here has posted for people to stay home, that visibility is zero at times woth the wind, and people are stuck in the middle of main roads, not to mention the dangerous wind chill. Many churches canceled Christmas Eve services yesterday and many businesses closed early around the state so people could get home.

It's definitely a stay in and stay warm and cozy kind of holiday weekend. Nobody is wondering this year about whether we'll have a white Christmas!

I've not been on here much the past year or two, mostly checking on people behind the scenes rather than posting. I'm not entirely sure what this space is to me anymore. It's definitely changed a great deal over the last several years. I've seen so many people come and go in the years I've been on here. I still think about many of those who've left, and I wonder how they are, what they're doing, and hope all good things for them. A few of them I've stayed in touch with outside of Tumblr. All have been "real" to me. All of you are "real" to me.

There have been a precious few that I have opened myself to deeply and made myself incredibly vulnerable with over the years, and I thought each one had become a lifelong friend that would always stay in touch (largely because they stated just that). I had certainly intended to BE a lifelong friend to them.

But nope.

And yes I am very aware that some friendships are only meant for a season. I have had those as well and was aware that's exactly what they were and accordingly, I do not invest myself the same way with people I know are only for a season. I think the reality is those are far more common and the potential lifelong "keepers" are exceptionally rare. In my experience, even those exceptionally rare ones turned out in the end not to be at all what I thought they were.

One that had absolutely gone beyond tumblr and very much into real life dropped me like a hot rock when they no longer needed me to vent to and bolster their spirits. It took a very long time after that before I oh so slowly risked opening myself to another. One or two simply faded away in spite of my continuing to reach out, until it reached a point where I finally just stopped trying.

I logged in to check on one of those people to whom I had given a big piece of my heart, and even though it's been painfully obvious for a very long while that they too have no longer needed or wanted my friendship except on the farthest periphery, not going to lie, discovering they'd deactivated without so much as a single word of farewell to me or a way to keep in touch, stung. Not as much as it would have just a year or two ago, because I'd been seeing the writing on the wall for a long time and had put the walls back up around my heart to protect myself, but to know that our friendship, after all we shared, that "I" actually meant so little to them that I didn't even warrant a heads up and/or a goodbye was a real slap in the face. So I guess if I had any lingering doubts as to where I stood with that one, it's crystal clear now.

This is not a whine and I'm not looking for sympathy. It's just a place for me to put my thoughts somewhere about this hurt and leave it here and move on from it. I probably should've known better, but I refuse to dwell on it or give it any time or space in my head or heart.

And maybe it's also a bit of an explanation to anyone who's followed me for years and perhaps has noticed how my journey here has changed markedly, how differently I post, how much less I share of myself here or reach out to others. I'm still here for people, I still reach out when I see people hurting and help if I can, but I'm far more guarded about extending myself beyond that now or offering myself more deeply, because it has cost me every single time and as a person who feels everything so incredibly deeply, I can't shake these things off. They stay with me.

I don't like to be guarded with people. I think making yourself vulnerable with another person is a huge gift of trust and when people do it with me, I cherish it and am very protective of it/them. But I've learned the hard and very painful way multiple times over that on this site, it's imperative for me to keep my guard up and to stop making myself vulnerable.

Maybe I'm a throwback, old-fashioned in my ideas of how to treat people. People matter to me. How I make others feel, matters to me. I keep people. I stay.

One of the hardest lessons I've had to learn in this life is that other people aren't built like I am, don't have a heart or a brain wired like mine, and I need to not expect that people will treat me the way I have treated them, reciprocate or care for me the way I have cared for them. It's clearly a lesson I have not yet mastered, continue to struggle with, and seem to be destined to keep relearning.

Maybe writing this out for myself, I will come back to this post and be reminded to proceed with caution; to care, but not make myself so vulnerable, and to manage expectations, or rather not have expectations at all.

The irony is, I had this conversation with myself several years ago, when I was devastatingly wounded by a friendship and my walls became unscalable. I told myself then I'd never make myself so vulnerable ever again, that I would have zero expectations so I couldn't be let down or disappointed, only pleasantly surprised. And then someone came along and slowly chipped away at those high, high walls. Eventually I believed them, trusted them to stay, and slowly let them in. I actually allowed myself to slowly build trust over time in a couple of friendships here.

And here we are. I'm still here. And they are ... crickets.

I think this is largely why I have both subconsciously and consciously disassociated myself from Tumblr over the past couple of years. It's become a place that pokes at old wounds more than anything else.