Mujericiencia

We’ve been together since infancy. I was always by your side, through the ups and downs. Yet your family, specifically tu mama, never could get over The way I looked. I was too dark, Too this, Too that! Your mom was willing to dump chemicals on me, Burn me, To lighten my skin and dique straighten me up for you. She did and you let her!

Once every four weeks you just stood there and watched as She smoothed out that jelly on me so that “it wouldn’t hurt so much”, And then proceed with the burning white cream. You knew I was helpless. My skin started to become brittle and bits of me broke off Little by little.

I wasn’t aware that you would continue this cycle on your own; That I had to suffer under the hands of the person who was Supposed to love me unconditionally. Is this your way of showing your love to me? By burning me with your creams, bleaches, and planchas so that I could mirror that perfect image you had always hoped for? Or should I say de la cultura?

When I refused to follow your rules, You would yank me and hit me. As tears of morir soñando stream down your face, you‘d scream at me for not cooperating. “I know it hurts, I feel it too, pero you have to put Up with it. Don’t you want us to be happy together?” You think that dumping some aceite, mayonesa, y cerveza Is going to make everything better? Is it going to make me forget those hours of excruciating Pain you inflicted on me? Or hey, Remember that time you used rotten avocados, plantains, and papayas? ¿Estas mal de la cabeza?

I know you’ve spent hundreds of dollars on luxurious products and procedures, But why is it that you can’t love me for who I really am; For what I really look like? Have you ever thought about that maybe, (Just maybe) That just because some people, and even nuestra cultura, find our relationship offensive; doesn’t mean you are obligated To force the one that you’re supposed to love, Who is basically a part of you, To mold into some fake thing that you can flash around Like some trophy.

I ask myself why I have continued to put up with your mierda And just get up and leave. The answer is: I couldn’t, I simply loved you too much. Despite everything you did to me, I knew you had your Great qualities and we’ve shared many great moments Throughout the years. However, I can never forgive you for the atrocious things You’ve done to me. So I ask that you simply either change or dame banda y suertame. If you want, buscate otra perra para que ella te aguante tu baina.

That’s all I have to say to you. By the time you’ve started reading this, I’m already sipping my tea, awaiting your response. Don’t mess with me, because if I leave, God forbid I leave, You’ll be bald bitch.

Much obliged,

Conflicted. Exhausted. Hurt. Healing. Growing.

These 5 words describe how I’m feeling right now at 5:36AM in a dorm’s basement, sitting next to my friend who’s knocked out. I wish I was sleeping… completely engulfed in a dark abyss, not having to think about these emotions and what triggered them in the first place. But in the end, I’ll eventually wake up realizing as I look around what surrounds me, that I’m no longer dreaming and everything is real. The pain I feel, the exhaustion I feel (exhaustion doesn’t have to be physical btw), are all real. So what’s the point of sleeping right? To function properly I suppose… but what if I don’t want to function and rather embrace that oh so tempting space where I can forget everything and just dream. Dream my little perfect world where I don’t have to sit in a basement and question why I’ve gained so much weight. Going up 5 bra sizes, the fat under my chin being way too much, my stomach poking out too much, but my ass doesn’t. Hair too short, face too fat, lips too small, arms too big.

In my dream world, I could just be the way I want to be. Way thinner with more curves. Be with the person I want to be with. Experience things I want to experience. Be the person I want to be. No pain. Everything’s just okay. No more tears. No more wounds. No more abuse. Feel attractive. Feel loved. Feel needed.

But I don’t have any of those things right now at this very moment. This upsets me. I feel discouraged. Nothing will ever go my way. I…

PAUSE. STOP. BREATHE.

I HAVE TO REMIND MYSELF:

In my real world, I CAN be just the way I want to be. Way thinner with more curves. Maybe be with the person I want to be with (and if not someone better). Experience things I want to experience. Be the person I want to be. No more abuse. Feel attractive. Feel loved. Feel needed.

Buts it’s gonna take pain, it’s gonna take tears, it’s gonna take wounds, and it’s gonna take healing. Just add time, patience, and reflection into the bowl filled with pain, tears, and wounds. There’s the little recipe for Healing. Not just healing but also growth.

Yes a dream world is beyond perfect but if reality was like that, it’d be boring. No lessons will be learned because there’s nothing to learn in such a perfect world. It’s best to see it as a goal that needs to be achieved. A motivation. If I can envision it, that means I can see it, and since I can see it, it’s within view. Since its within view, I can reach it. I can obtain it. It’s not impossible. But I have to be cognizant that no path that’ll lead to that destination will be easy breezy. Tears will be spilled, wounds will open, etc. I just have to be okay with the fact that it’ll happen in order for me to get to where I wanna be. Just keep dreaming but not to the point it consumes me.

There will be times when I’ll feel down (like now) When I wanna give up. When everything feels like it’s falling apart. But I have to try to remind myself no matter how hard it is to do it. And it’s extremely difficult especially for me. That’s why it’s conflicting. That’s why I’m exhausted. I’m hurt. But through time, patience, and reflection (I’m doing now), I’m actually healing and growing. And it’s painful and uncomfortable, but I guess I’m getting somewhere.