crack fic that is just eva and grace having to deal with unsuccessful assassination attempts way too often.
she gets a call and turns to grace to casually report that there's been a bomb threat so they have to leave the conference. they're stuck in a hotel room together for several hours.
("someone is going to blow us up?"
"no, someone is threatening to do so, there's a difference. they're not going to find a bomb, grace"
"then they will disarm it. honestly, i don't understand why you're so worried"
"you act like this is a normal thing to happen?!?"
"yes because it has happened before. numerous times. never had a big whomp.")
someone brought a gun into the building, so now they're on lockdown in a tiny meeting room. she's catching up on some emails while grace bounces off the walls and annoys the hell out of her and carl, who is unfortunately stuck with them.
at the next conference, rat poison was found by the coffee maker, and they have to sweep everything and screen everyone to make sure no one is going to die. (she did not drink the shitty coffee, she has hers hand-delivered by trusted personnel, best quality only)
at some point, she comes back from a trip without grace and doesn't mention anything unusual until he catches her wincing in pain when trying to carry a heavy box.
he's like "are you okay?"
to which she responds with incredible nonchalance, "oh it's nothing, i got stabbed."
"that's- what does that even mean, what the hell? how? what?"
"someone stabbed me, they were impressively bad at it, i'm fine"
and he keeps freaking out until she rolls her eyes, sighs and pulls up her shirt enough to show him the suture/wound on her abdomen.
"see, he missed everything important, i'm fine. i left the knife right where it was, they fixed me up at the hospital, and that was that. i had still two more meetings later that day."
(the worst ever assassination attempt went a little like this:
eva is walking through a crowd, suddenly feeling that she got stabbed, then turns to her side and says, "hey carl, would you mind detaining that man in the grey hoodie? he just stabbed me."
cut to five people in suits tackling the guy to the floor, meanwhile eva mumbles something about luckily being able to miss the meeting with the usamericans.)
"eva, someone tried to kill you."
"emphasis on TRIED, grace. they failed rather badly. now could you stop freaking out and carry that box to my office for me?"
grace refuses to let her lift anything heavier than a cup of coffee and a laptop for the next week.
("don't you have a lab to run?" "i have unstabbed assistants for that")
