Fangirling My Life Away

Currently watching: An Idiot Abroad.

Do you like travel? Do you like learning about different cultures? Do you also like watching a man who hates these things be forced into the most outrageous traveling and cultural situations? Then watch this show. It’s hilarious and educational and it’s on Netflix.

So, I have a 3rd date set with Luke. Dinner Saturday night. Y’all, I am a crazy person when it comes to dating. I totally freaked out about things after the last date and apparently he’s still interested. So. Good job, brain. Yay me!

I’ve been doing a bit of soul searching this week and just trying to get a handle on my self worth. I completely beat myself up… for being me. I have a good habit of doing that and it’s so unnecessary and unhealthy.

After feeling like I fucked everything up last Friday I went into a bit of a depression. When I was little I was always told that I was “too sensitive.” I remember my best friend getting annoyed at me in 1st grade because I spilled chocolate milk on her and got embarrassed about it so I started to cry. She said she was annoyed because I would “always cry over everything.” As I got older I thought it was “better” to keep my emotion in check. Bottle that shit up. By the time I was in high school I was either never noticed or was considered “the quiet one.” In college, I was then told I’m too quiet, too closed off. At work once my boss told me I show no emotions. “Don’t you get excited about anything?”

The truth is, I am a very emotional person. I just don’t put it all out there for just anyone to see. Except for the occasional freak out moments where I can’t shove any more in that bottle and then burst into an uncontrollable sobbing mess.

I had dinner with Lenny (my work mom) the other day and had a great conversation with her about this. She’s amazing, you guys. I’m a firm believer that everyone needs a Lenny in their life. It was like free therapy. But better because she’s my amazing friend. And we had delicious food and wine. I had a GOOD cry that night. It had been a long time since I’ve had a good cry. It helped relieve some of my pent up emotion and self loathing.

I told Lenny I don’t think I ever learned how to properly express my emotions. I’ve always been quiet and reserved because showing emotion makes me and others uncomfortable and I feel exposed. My parents didn’t really teach me any healthy way to be open and vulnerable. Oh they loved us and did the best they could raising 1 son and 6 daughters and I have undying respect and love for them. But I was never able to talk to my mom about boys, or periods or anything. Things were always so hush hush in our house. Periods and hormones and emotions were not polite to talk about. My parents never even had “The Talk” with me. Thankfully, I had my older sisters to tell me most of these things, but they were all young and all facing the same struggles. Who did they l learn it all from? I have no idea.

So there’s always been this barrier. I can’t talk about embarrassing things with my parents. I SO wish I could. I see other women who have the most amazing relationships with their moms where they can talk about literally ANYTHING and it creates this bond that is so close. I have always wanted that with my mother. Don’t get me wrong. My mother is a saint. She’s so loving and giving and sweet. But she is me. She bottles emotion. She hides her sadness and only cries when she’s pushed past a breaking point. I am her.

My dad was the biggest prude ever. He would change the channel whenever a Victoria’s Secret commercial came on. I love my dad and I know he’d do anything for me. I just wish I could TALK to him. Other than little comments here and there on facebook, I haven’t really talked to either of my parents since they visited last in February. It’s sad that I feel awkward to pick up the phone and just say “Hey I miss you, how are you?” And they must feel the same because they never call me either.

Lenny helped me see that I’m constantly playing those old video tapes over and over in my head, hearing the bad about myself and giving into it. She wrote me the most amazing letter the next day in which she said:

You can look at it that you are hopelessly and eternally marred by the environment which you grew up in… always left to struggle with this blockage…or you can shift the tape in your head to saying something like the following:

“I am reserved and careful with my thoughts and emotions. I cherish my feelings and share them, with love, to people I think deserve this gift. I like that about me. I would like to work on being able to recognize MORE people to do this with…so I may share myself and this treasure of thoughts and feelings.”

So, this is what I am trying to focus on and reiterate in my mind. I don’t need to worry so much about how I come off to people.

But just as a PSA…

Please stop telling reserved people they’re “Too quiet.” It only makes it harder for us. Makes us want to retreat more because we feel that we’re not doing things right. Instead, maybe find something of mutual interest to talk about. The more comfortable we feel, the more we will open up and have all kinds of things to talk about.

Telling me I’m too quiet is not how you get me to open up.