Padme Marie

One day someone is woven into the fabric of your ordinary hours, their name in your phone, their voice in your head, their habits quietly reshaping yours. And then they are not. They leave. That's it. That's the whole of it. There is no elegant way to say it, no metaphor that softens the edge of it.

You don't know what you've got until it's gone. But sometimes what you "had" was just a distraction from yourself. There is a specific, cold alchemy in realising that the things which once felt like anchors were actually just weights. So you learn. You stop building your world around people who are only there for a season. You keep the kettle on, you do the work, and you let the door swing closed behind them. Just the quiet, decisive act of continuing without them factored in.

There’s something I’ve noticed about myself something that only really sank in recently. When I’m angry or hurt, my instinct is to walk away. Sometimes I even say things like “I’ll leave” or “I don’t want to see you anymore.” I just knew that when the pain hits too deep, I can’t stay in the same space with it.

I used to think it was weakness ... that maybe I was too emotional, too dramatic. But now I see it differently. When I walk away, it’s not because I don’t care. It’s because I care too much. The pain becomes unbearable, and I need space to breathe, to think, to stop myself from saying words I’ll regret later.

But there’s another truth beneath it , one I rarely admit even to myself. When I leave, part of me wants the other person to realize what they’ve done. I want them to think about me, to see that I’m not afraid to walk away. And maybe, deep down, I hope they’ll stop me. Not because I can’t survive without them, I can. I’ve always been strong enough to stand on my own. But because I want to feel that I matter enough for someone to fight for me.

It’s strange how strength and loneliness can live in the same heart. When I turn my back, I look calm. But inside, I’m torn, protecting myself on the outside while aching to be understood on the inside. I walk away not just to escape, but to find myself again. To let the storm inside me settle until I can face the world without breaking.

And then there’s the thought that haunts me the most: I’m still alone. I’ve yet to find someone to spend my remaining years with. The fear grows heavier because I wonder—who would even want me as I age? Who will look at me and see someone worth loving, wrinkles and all?

Every new line on my face feels like a betrayal. I catch myself staring too long in the mirror, scrutinizing every flaw, every sign that I’m not who I used to be. I remember the days when my skin was smooth, now, I can’t escape the reality that time is leaving its mark, whether I’m ready or not.

Finding a partner at this stage of life feels like climbing a mountain barefoot.

I wonder if anyone will see beyond the surface, past the wrinkles and the sagging skin. It feels like an impossible dream. The fear of being overlooked, of being deemed unworthy because of my age, is paralyzing. The fear is loud, and it’s relentless. It whispers that I’m running out of time, that my chance for love and happiness is slipping through my fingers.

I want to believe that someone out there will see me—the real me—and love me for who I am. But some days, that hope feels so faint, drowned out by the fear that the world values youth and perfection above all else.

I've kept quite a bit of my personal life fairly private and never really talk about it to anyone. Today call me crazy but I decided to bite a bullet and blog about it.....

Sometimes I found myself thinking about my life as a SINGLE.

Don’t get me wrong, though. I'm interested in having relationships. What I'm not interested in doing is settling for one ( I guess) I know...I know I’ve had plenty of times in my life when it was just MeMyselfAndI. A decade would have been enough.

If I’m being honest, it’s not so crazy that I’d want to start thinking and praying for the-guy-that-will-someday-be-my-next partner or boyfriend perhaps. I’m thinking seriously about it though...

Something like: tall, good hair, smells nice, kind, makes me laugh, loves Jesus and his momma, good with kids, great job, remembers-your-anniversary-and-never-forgets-to-do-the-dishes…and kissing you goodnight.

I love my single life. I really do. But sometimes, I feel lonely. I enjoy companionship and connection at times too.

I’ve also been more selective about dating, which has led to hardly any dating in general and that I’m simply not much of a “dater”. Online dating is hard work too. It’s tedious, frustrating and literally does take up a lot of time. Not to mention the loads of sexist, rude and ignorant twats you encounter online...ughhh....it's just not for me.

Yes, there have been lots of hard days.  Some of them are painfully, despairingly, bitterly, question-the-core-of-who-you-are hard.  But I feel incredibly lucky to say that most of the days I have spent single have been exciting and empowering.

I’m a firm believer that if you don’t like something in your life then only you have the power to change it. If you want to lose weight then only you can do it. Only you can stop yourself from smoking, and only you can do something about working in a job you’re not happy in.

I like to problem solve and it’s in my nature to find solutions to problems, but this “problem” I don’t seem to have any control over.

I can’t make a man fall in love with me (otherwise Robert Pattinson would be mine) and I can’t make myself fancy someone I don’t.

As someone who likes to control things in their life I struggle with this being the one thing in my life I can’t control.

So as much as I love my life. I would like to settle down assuming that Mr. Right is just around the corner. So I think it's safe to say, "Never give up on LOVE Somewhere out there GOD has made a perfect one for ME"

xxMarieTheOneAndOnly

I will never forget the first time we met, it’s all there etched in my brain. I instantly knew that I want you any way. Not because you’re attractive or hunky or suave, although devil knows you’re all those things…

Just at that moment, when I’m no longer sure if I’m dreaming or awake or walking in some valley in between where everything you wish for comes true…you stood right beside me….

It wasn’t exactly love at first sight..... I have traveled, I have searched and mingled, tangled and untangled but you are just that unique. Sometimes I wonder if you are a human or an angel.

So far, you have brought nothing but the best in me. So far, you have been nothing but special to me.

I’m sick of pretending I’m fine. I am tired of everything….

I never thought your absence would give me this surreal pain. It is not fair tying your happiness to someone but every moment, I crave your warmth. I always find myself thinking about you. In a world full of temporary things, you are a perpetual feeling.

 I feel like a part of my soul has loved you since the beginning of everything.

I seem to have loved you in numberless forms, numberless times.

Maybe we’ve lived a thousand lives before this one and in each of them, we’ve found each other…

This is the part. The part that feels like a piece of me dies every time

Maybe, we're just two souls meant to share memories together but, not forever

The hope of uniting with you kept me alive and yet kills me… Wrapped up in possibilities I had no control over, it eats me…