Gradorexmia

Using my account from when I was 15-17 yrs old as a 22 yr old (I used to deactivate my accounts every 2.5 years— OCD thing lol I’ve been on this area of tumblr since I was 12 unfortunately) is so strange. It feels like my brain completely blocked out this part of my life; my DMs are filled with people I never remembered connecting with until I reactivated this blog, my dashboard is full of random things I used to be interested in, and my actual blog was a time capsule of who I was in that era of my life. I completely forgot about how I loved writing about this disorder and to create media that actually helped us feel seen, the things that triggered me, and the vulnerability everyone entered this space with. I’ve relapsed on and off since logging off of this in 2021 but now everything feels so full circle.

Like maybe this is when I finally relapse for the last time. I’m studying my field in a graduate program at a school I used to daydream about attending, (aside from the mental health of it all) I’ve become the person younger me would love and see as an extension of herself, I’ve even begun my journey based on what she would’ve loved most right now. But I don’t know if it’s OCD or what but it feels almost like divine intervention that I reopen this section of my life and fall back into Tumblr and connecting with others in this. I’m worried this will be a year of regression, but this space feels like it (almost) inherently should be a part of this chapter of my 20s. Like without this in the background, my 20s would be empty.