Diary of a writer.

My crush. We stopped talking for a while, exactly 2 months without speaking to each other after I told him I liked him. I figured it had been too weird for him, so I decided to put everything behind me and just move on.

Yesterday night, during my shift, he showed up at work. (I work as a recepcionist at a hotel. It was my night shift) drunk as hell, crying. I panicked because I had never seen him like that before. I hugged him, he cried on my shoulder, a bottle of wine in his hand. He said his life sucked, everything sucked. He had been dying to see me and hug me...I swear I died. I died right there. My heart was breaking seeing him so sad, so broken, so desperate.

He stayed for a while. I took the bottle from his hand, and we sat together, talked for a couple of hours. He told me he needed to go to the bathroom so I helped him out cause he was too wasted to walk alone. While he walked inside he asked me if there were cameras anywhere and I told him yes and then he dragged me inside and kissed me. HE KISSED ME. I pushed him away and told me it wasn't the right to do things, especially since he was drunk. I left, shaking, like literally shaking.

He tried to leave, I couldn't let him go cause I was scared he might do something but he walked away quickly and even I tried to follow him, he was super quick. He came back 10 minutes later and got a room to stay in, I had help him again cause DRUNK AF.

I sat him on the bed and when I walked out he pleaded, he BEGGED me to stay with him. He literally said "stay with me. Stay with me" I said no, obviously, cause I was still on the clock and he was still drunk and even though I would have LOVED to just stay there and hug him, I couldn't.

I don't know what happened after that cause my shift ends at 8:30 and he was still sleeping when I left, though I told my co-worker to check on him from time to time, to make sure he was okay.

I was told later that he left without being seen, so I guess he was okay. We, a close friend and I, were still worried cause he didn't look good and was sad (he has depression and suicidal tendensies) but he didn't pick up the phone when he called him.

Guess what? He showed up again last night. This time he was sober, but he was so weird for everything that happened he couldn't look at me. He told he felt ashamed...I thought he would forget, to be honest, but apparently he remembers EVERYTHING.

Okay so, remember my crush? well he was fired (its a long story) and we haven't seen each other face to face but we talk, a little. Anyways, I had this thing, in my mind and my soul, that I had to close circles if I wanted to move on and I think its a good thing, otherwise I'll live with regret for ever.

Yesterday I found the courage to tell him I liked him. Initally I was just suppose to write the message and LATER send him, not right away cause...nah. So I accidentally hit SEND instead of EDIT and BOOM! It went away away away. I freaked out, a lot. I mean you should have seen my face! But then I thought "I got myself into this, get over it" I thought he wasn't going to reply, because how do you reply to a love confession right??? BUT HE DID. 15 minutes later HE REPLIED.

I couldn't look at my phone, I froze. I waited for 12 hours (yes, I count them) and I managed to read his message, always with the idea things could go nowhere.

Guess what he said?? He said he was glad I finally told him, as if he were waiting for me to speak...and then HE ASKED ME OUT. HE FUCKING ASKED ME OUT. I'm still shocked, so absolutely and totally shocked. He said he wanted to see me and we could go out to a karaoke bar (we were supposed to go before he was fired) and HOLY FORKING SHIRTBALLS...and then he sent me a heart emoji. WHY A HEART EMOJI? WHAT THE FUCK DOES IT MEAN??

I have no idea if he likes me, he didn't say yes but he didn't say no, so I'm wondering.

I have no idea when the date will happen, but when it does, I'll die from excitement or sadness. I don't know.

Okay here's the thing...I have a crush on someone I work with. He's 27 and I'm 38, I feel like shit. I srsly do. I know age doesn't matter but for some reason it does, to me. I'm also sure he has no idea I have this thing for him..I mean I thought he was cute, at first, but then I tested my own feelings and when he left for lunch and then came back my heart was beating so fast like wow.

So..I like him. He probably doesn't like me. But unlike other crushes I've had before, I can actually talk to him, like long conversations and all. He's pretty much like me, he craves for someone to talk to about his issues, he has depression and anxiety and is the sweetest most kindest man I've known.

Why do I do with this?? I'm 38! I'm not a teenager. I'm not a kid...I haven't had a crush on someone in years, and yet here I am, desperate to see him (we have the same shift tomorrow so yay!) and talk to him and eat candies (he likes candies as much as I do) and I even baked cookies for him! I mean for us, but I did it for him...I feel so silly.

The weird thing of all this..I've been happier. I know he might not like me back, I might end up heartbroken and crying my fucking eyes out, but this last days (when I realized I liked him a lot) have been so full of joy just thinking about him AND I actually want to go to work.

I also can't stop thinking about the new book and how freaking excited I am.

I hope you like it as much I loved writing it. ☺️

Imagine that person being right next to you, and yet so far away....

Imagine that person being with someone else, someone gentle, caring, loving...

It fucking hurts.

Okay so I'm writing a fic, actually I have an idea for a fic. One of the chapters involves a party Robin doesn't want to go to, with Cormoran cause duh. So, she's buying a dress A BLUE dress cause CORMORAN BLUE. I sort of have an idea but idk...I want the dress to be drool worthy but not too much. I just want Cormoran to be like 'holy fuck' when he sees her.

Help? Please?

Thanks for reading!

Another note: the original character I created, Anya, I don't know what happened. I just felt like Robin needed a friend other than Ilsa and Vanessa, someone who can be blunt and harsh and brutally honest. Especially about Cormoran. So Anya happened! I didn't write much about her this time, I hope I can use her in other fics :)

The dry spell is over.