Mr. Silver's School for Wayward Dominants

a fantasy i’ve heard about a lot is “being tied up and left in the closet while my partner goes out for the evening.”

ok, i’ll admit that’s actually sorta hot.  

but here’s why you should never, ever try it:

some ties create positional asphyxia 

that means it gets harder to breathe over time, in ways that might not be obvious at first.  

if you get too exhausted to breathe, and you can’t get out, you’ll die.  

over time the ropes can slip around

staying in one position for a long time really sucks.  so eventually, the tied up person will start to squirm around to stretch different sets of muscles.  

that’s a great opportunity for something to end up slipping around their neck, or onto a nerve (creating short-term paralyzation), etc.  

escaping people do crazy shit

i’ve met occasional “escape artists” who pride themselves on wriggling out of rope.  

i tend to wince when i watch that, because the process frequently involves twisting joints, squeezing nerves, and coming on the verge of dislocating shit.   

it’s probably not a bad idea to do that Never.  

but if you do, then you definitely don’t wanna do it by yourself.   

after a while, ties that started out comfy can get dramatically worse in surprising ways, especially as muscles tire out or body positions shift.  if the person gets sick of it and tries to squirm out, 

then you may find yourself explaining to McGruff The Crime Dog why there’s a dead naked hottie tied up in your closet.  

so remember kids:  just say no to leaving tied up people alone.  

10 things a submissive needs but won’t say out loud / beautiful bond — it’s a beautiful bond

1. Please touch us

Cuddle us, spoon us, grab the small of our backs. Kiss our foreheads and make us feel small. We crave your hands all over us. We love them no matter where they happen to land—be that on our asses or up our skirts.

Just. Touch. Us. It reminds us that we’re yours.

2. Take pride in us

Relish in the fact that we’re yours—that we belong to you and no one else. Smile when we enter the room because you know we’re walking toward you. It lets us know you care. It makes us want to be better for you.

3. Let us cry

When we are sad or angry, or pissed the hell off. When we drink too much…especially when we drink too much, let us cry our eyes out. Let us be messes, with mascara running down our cheeks and pints of ice cream in our hands. Let us be okay with not being okay once in a while. This one requires no action from you, just that you be okay with it when it happens.

4. Forgive

Despite how hard we try, we will make mistakes. We will fuck things up, say things wrong, do things crazy, and when that happens we need you to forgive us. We’re not talking immediate forgiveness, or that a price won’t often be paid for it, but forgiveness that comes eventually. We need to know that the slate has been wiped clean, all trespasses have been forgiven…and when it happens, don’t forget to let us know. See number 5.

5. Communicate…. often!

We need this.. If we don’t discuss something, it will fester in our brains forever, eventually driving us crazy. A three minute conversation could ease hours of worry for us once an uneasy feeling sets in. If that can be prevented with a few sentences, please take the time to speak them. Honestly, like two seconds of your time could stop our heads from exploding….and you don’t want to clean up that mess, do you?

6. We want you to make us feel pretty

Not that you don’t make us feel super sexy pretty darn often, but once in a while, it’s good to actually hear. Tell us our ass looks great in our yoga pants, that our hair looks especially shiny today. Tell us you like our new boots. Notice something small and compliment us about it, and our hearts will swell for days. Compliments let us know what it’s like to look through your eyes. Those are glimpses of the world we don’t often get to see.

7. It’s the little things

Some of these are sounding cliche, but are just so fucking true. Sure, your big gestures of grandeur are admired, but it is often the small things that get our cheeks turning red. Leave a note on the mirror in the morning telling us to have a great day. Sit next to us during a movie you have no desire to see. Take the dog out in the morning so we can sleep in for an extra 10 minutes, remember what ice cream we prefer to eat when we cry. If you do these things, we’re yours for life.

8. Remember things

Speaking of little things, try to remember them. Things like how we take our coffee and the name of that bitchy girl who sits next to us at work. Remember anything. Three weeks from now, bust out some silly story we told you over dinner one evening in great detail. Remember something we’d never expect you to store into your internal drive. Remember our first concert together, and our best friend from kindergarten’s name. The more obscure the better.

9. Deal with us

When we’re singing in the car. When we drink too much wine. When we completely melt down. Deal with our pasts, and when we don’t feel pretty. Deal with our stretch marks and insecurities, our early bedtimes and exhaustion. Deal with our mood, and how we load the dishwasher the wrong way. These things silently tell us that you’ll be by our sides regardless of how nerdy, silly or utterly hopeless we can get.

Finally, the most important thing we need from you that we’ll never say out loud:

10. Be the most stable thing in our lives

I’m okay

I love you

Thank you

It’s alright

I’m not hurt

I’m not hurt too badly

You’re lovely/wonderful/kind

I enjoyed it

It was worth it

Take your time

Do you need anything?

Do you want a cuddle?

Do you want me to get dressed/take the collar off/put the crop away?

Do you want to talk about it?

I’m here

You’re not a bad person

Top drop/dom drop usually comes from shock, guilt or insecurity about the way you have just treated someone whose well-being you care about very much. Like sub drop, it is usually accompanied by a fall in endorphins and general energy levels. Especially for aces (who I find have a greater need to be in the right mindset/’zone’ for play and intimacy), a ‘snap’ moment where you break out of play mode can throw you emotionally, and the end of play causes a similar reassessment or double-take at what happened during the scene.

Hi Anon, 

I’m going to sound a little harsh here. It’s not because of you, but it’s because of the situation. 

Here’s the thing. Guys like this know exactly what they’re doing. They know that if they’re nice enough, then you won’t tell them to get out. They know that if they keep badgering you about something you’ve clearly stated is a limit, you won’t get too mad because they aren’t being overtly rude about it. 

But here’s the thing. They’re not being nice. They’re not being polite. Being polite is respecting someone’s limits. Being nice is understanding that someone doesn’t want to have sex and backing off. What they’re doing is rude, mean, and selfish. 

You abso-fucking-lutely can say “get out.” Because they’re not respecting you, at all. 

When you say, “I don’t want to have sex until marriage,” these guys have two options. 

A. They can respect that, enjoy a non-sexual relationship with you, and you two can have a nice relationship. 

OR 

B. They can say, “This isn’t for me, as I’d like to have a relationship with someone in which we have sex before marriage.” And then you two can go your separate ways. 

Neither of these options include pestering you about your decision, trying to get you to bend your limits, or being whiny little pissants because they’re horny. 

Tell them to get out, Anon. You said it yourself - some guys don’t understand that BDSM can be done without sex. There are guys out there that do understand this, and I have full faith in your ability to find them. These guys that you’re dealing with now? Not even remotely worth your time. 

He soon got tired of asking nicely, when he already knew the answer. So he would start pushing me. And suddenly my “no” was met with being put up against a wall or threatened. 

It’s not right - he knows the answer, he’s pushing your limits on purpose in order to manipulate you or find a time to take advantage of you. 

Thank you for using your story to help others not face the same situation that you did.

Anon, please read this.

Moving the goal post is a classic technique of abusers and rapists. Men know that women shy away from a strict and direct “no” of of fear what will happen to them. That fear is justified. So einem have learned to land men softly when declining a request.

Rapists know that and shamelessly use that fact as their modus operandi. They coerce the woman into sexual activities. That’s sexual assault or rape, depending on how far they go.

Respecting boundaries is, itself, a sign of strength. Let’s say you don’t want to take no for an answer, so you push, test, wheedle, whine, whatever. What this means is they’ve already won you over. They stop thinking, “Do they want me?” but “Can I safely back off?” Basically, it tells them that more time and effort needs to be placed in finding a way out, instead of finding a way in.

Why does that matter? First, there’s the whole potential-rapist thing, and that’s horrible, and you don’t want to do that. But even beyond that, by pressing, they start needing to think of you as someone to avoid instead of someone to attract. 

But when you back off, they can’t be sure you’ll keep wanting them anymore. They have to start consciously thinking about how to keep your interest. Also, they know you’ll back off when they ask you to, so they feel safer getting closer. So maybe they’re not saying yes now, but the chance they’ll say yes later goes up.

And even past that, they’ll tell their friends. And their friends will start wondering what attracts you, and feel more comfortable being more intimate around you. 

Respecting boundaries really sets you up for a win-win.

But what does respecting boundaries mean?

It means stepping back and not approaching the subject again. If you, say, ask for a blowjob, and they say no, or sound ambivalent, it doesn’t mean asking for a blowjob again later or tomorrow or next week. That’s pushing, and that’s what you want to avoid. That’s when you start looking like a creep. You never bring it up again. You wait for them to do so. If they’re feeling comfortable around you, they’ll know there’s the possibility you’ll want it, and they will feel comfortable bringing up the subject.

And besides, there’s all sorts of smaller interactions that you get access to in the process. Being able to provide that comfort, that safety, that knowledge that you won’t just try to jump them again (or, even better, the first time) they’ll be happy to engage in a whole bunch more contact with you. And you never have to ask for it. They’ll offer it. (Believe me, I’ve had plenty of contact, from kisses, to sex, to marriage, get handed to me because I never required it. And yes, I’ve received blowjobs while never asking for one. Not even a first time.)

There are tons of gorgeous women here, who post themselves nude. We all do it for different reasons, some to gain confidence, some because of their confidence, some to inspire others, and others who just like to show off. While I don’t know all the reasons, I do know, that 90% of them don’t want your nasty messages.

Just because we post nudes, does not mean you can be disrespectful.

Just because we post nudes, does not mean we want to see your pathetic little cocks.

Just because we don’t want to see your pathetic little cocks, does not automatically make us lesbian. (Yes some fuck said that to me a few days ago.)

Just because we are into kink, does not mean we want to hear what you would do to us. (Unless we specifically state so.)

Put it this way, would you walk up to a woman on the street that you found attractive, and ask if she wanted to see your cock?

If she was wearing a collar, would you go and tell her you want to tie her up, gag her, and fuck her ass?

You wouldn’t, because you’d 1. Get beat, 2. Possible get arrested, and 3. Look like an utter idiot.

So tell me boys/men of tumblr, why do you think it’s okay here?

Is all I heard there.

Then you literally said you send unsolicited dick pics as a form of protest?

Note that I’m not saying “unsolicited dick pics.” If he, or anyone else, had a problem of having women send him nudes, unasked, that would also be an issue. But no, these women sharing nudes are simply posting them in their own spaces, fully cognizant of the fact it means they no longer have control over who sees them, reblogs them, whatever. They know that people who aren’t interested in seeing their nudes won’t see them. They are not just dropping them in strangers’ mailboxes.

So, for this to be a true form of protest, the answer is simple. Start your own blog. Post your dick pics there. Let people come to you as they want to, and let them have their way with your images. Take artful nudes. Show your confidence, bask in your own handsomeness, and let people respond as they may. Does that feel weird? Yup, and that’s what makes it effective protest. And heck, look around. There are tons of dicks in porn. There are people (gorgeous women, even) who want to see this stuff. They just want to choose where and when, just as you get to by choosing which blogs you follow. 

No, what’s really going on is what he said at the start: “Sending dick pics for me is only about sexual attention/gratification.” Maybe he meant there to be a “not” in there, and it’s a typo. Or a Freudian slip. But really, when he says, “I think there’s a bit of animosity, jealousy and spite towards women who can so easily express themselves in a sexual manor that, as a man, I feel is sometimes impossible without being rude, explicit or forward,” well, yeah, because sending pics to strangers is rude, explicit, and forward. You break the cycle by not doing that.

So here’s some holy-shit-don’t-ever-do-this advice for the day.  Now I’ve written a fair bit about why this is a shit-tastic idea but there’s a section that really takes the taco and puts this well into “what the fuck were you thinking?” territory:

“Hey baby, submit now.”

“No.”

“Don’t waste my time, I said submit.”

So here’s some holy-shit-don’t-ever-do-this advice for the day.  Now I’ve written a fair bit about why this is a shit-tastic idea but there’s a section that really takes the taco and puts this well into “what the fuck were you thinking?” territory:

Once more. Reclaiming my own words.

M / Her Liege

Absolutely not. You do not need to address other doms by titles. Most doms, myself included, are a little weirded out when random submissives start calling them Sir or Daddy or whatever. It feels… I dunno. Dirty.

Until you have accepted someone as your dominant, they are literally just some random person and you owe them absolutely nothing. Treat them just like you would anyone else.

Either way, don’t demand to be called sir by all subs. It cheapens your dominance. It’s no longer as valuable.

But I deeply deeply resent these Tumblr doms who say that it’s genetic or biological for women to be submissive. That its my place and I’d be happier if I were deferent to my boyfriend because it’s natural, and I should hand over the reigns to him.

I can respect it if you say “yes I’m a dominant man and my partner is a submissive woman, this does reflect the expectations of society but it’s something that fulfils us both and makes us happy, and she actively chooses to submit because she finds meaning in it so I’m not oppressing her.”

But to totally generalise and say “this is how EVERYONE should do it, it’s right and natural and coded into your DNA to surrender all control and want someone to make your decisions and give you permission to do basic things” is really sinister and gross.

If you are interested in someone, treat them like a normal person. Say hello. Start a conversation. Be interested in them, not their relationship status. Wait to be pursued.

Totally cool: “Hey, do you want to be exclusive?”

Red flag: “No one but me is allowed to touch you.”

Totally cool: “It makes me feel weird when you flirt with other people, can we talk about that?”

Red flag: “If you loved me, you would stop being friends with them. You KNOW it makes me jealous.”

Totally cool: “I hope we’re together forever. I’m so in this for the long haul.”

Red flag: “If you ever left me, I would kill myself.”

Totally cool: “Your mom is really unkind to me, can we try to minimize how often you bring me when you visit her?”

Red flag: “Your mom hates me, you need to stop talking to her. She’s trying to ruin our relationship.”

Totally cool: “I love you so much, oh my god.”

Red flag: “It’s a good thing I love you so much, because no one else would. You’d be alone forever without me.”

Other important red flags to keep in mind: someone who wants to jump into emotional/financial co-dependence very fast (like moving in together right away, or becoming each other’s only confidantes right away) and won’t take no for an answer; someone who tries to minimize how often you leave the house or interact with other people; someone who threatens you or themselves or your family or pets or possessions or financial future; someone who uses guilt to keep you from leaving a relationship.

Very important reminder: You do not need a reason to leave a relationship. Neither does the other person (or people). A relationship is over when one of the people in it says it’s over, period. Obviously it’s kind to take the end of a long relationship seriously, but abusers and manipulators have lost the right to that conversation. Lie if you need to–your safety is much more important than their feelings.

“I’m the Dom/me, that’s why.” RED.

“I don’t have to discuss my behavior with you because I am allowed to do whatever I want.” RED.

“If you were a good sub, you wouldn’t have (so many) limits.” RED.

“If you were a good sub, you wouldn’t need a safeword.” RED.

“I don’t do warm ups.” RED.

“I don’t do aftercare.” RED.

“I am a Dom/me and therefore infallible.” RED.