Marcescence

i wish i could say that i got better, or that things seemed to be looking up, but really, it’s almost as if nothing has changed.

though, going back and reading old birthday posts made me cringe because i was such a brat, and really i probably still am, but i think it’s the saddest thing in the world to look back and think that i might be just as sad i was before, if not sadder

i’m not really sure what it is about my birthday that makes me sad.

this year might be the weirdest birthday because of all that is going on. 

i dont even think i can properly articulate the reason i’m so sad this year. because usually it’s because it never lives up to some ridiculous expectation or hope that i had, but the days and weeks leading up to this day honestly felt like a blur and i know it’s my birthday and i knew it was coming but at the same time everything feels so warped and i was prepared for the nothingness that will come from this day

but i’m sad anyway.

and the past few days have been an absolute disaster because while i’m not really okay in any sense, i feel especially messed up this past week

my eating habits have absolutely fallen apart over the past few days and everything somehow feels more blurry than usual and i feel so disorientated and lost and i’m just 

sad

there’s something about my birthday that really brings out this (even more) messed up part of me and i cant help but wonder how much of me was hoping i wouldnt make it to this day

i also wonder how much of me was hoping i would

maybe one day i’ll stop sabotaging myself and actually live 

but whether that day comes or not, here i am once more, with my 10th, and probably last, post to myself on my birthday, with all this cringey angst and sadness 

this whole thing was literally all i talked about in therapy and my therapist told me to tell her why i felt upset so that maybe she can learn from it and not freak out like she did this time

well, i actually did end up telling my mom why i was upset with her but it only led to another argument

when she asked me why i dont want to her i told her it’s because all she did when i told her about my wisdom teeth surgery was argue with me about it and scold me for wanting to do it and she replies by saying that it’s because she cares and goes on to make me feel awful and ask me if i think she doesnt care

but of course i know she cares because i’m more in tuned with all these emotions than she’ll ever really know and i didnt want to tell her why i was upset because i knew she was coming from a place of worry but that doesnt make it right

anyway the argument continues and she goes on to talk about how family is always gonna be there for you and friends wont and how could i not know she was gonna be the one to take me to my appointment despite the fact that she literally never speaks a word about it until 2 days after i told her and how could i not know she was gonna actually pay for it despite the fucking fact that she straight up told me “it’s your money, you’re an adult, you can do what you want”

so how the fuck am i suppose to just know that you’d do these things when all you fucking did was argue with me the entire time

she continues on this fucking rant about family and how hard she works and all the fun guilt tripping nonsense that already fills my head anyway because she doesnt want to acknowledge the fact that she hurt me and that she made me feel worse and this all happens while i’m stuck at work with her so that was great

but what’s even better, what is the brings me to my boiling point, is that after all of this and all this arguing and forcing herself into being the person to bring me to my appointment, she comes to my room later in the evening to tell me that she has a fucking closing at 9am when my appointment is at 9:45 and she doesnt know if she’ll have time to come back home to take me so then my dad will have to take me there and she’ll come by after 

and why the fuck couldnt i have just followed through with my friend taking me?

if she was gonna be fucking busy then i could’ve just gone with my friend and everything would’ve been fine

but i dont get a fucking say in this because she’s not going to listen to me or acknowledge how i feel about any of this

so i’m already terrified out of my mind over this stupid surgery so my anxiety is at peak performance and the amount of anger and stress that is being brought in by my mom gives me a full on anxiety attack

so i sat in my room sobbing and hyperventilating so bad it hurt and even after i calmed myself down i cried again and i’m exhausted and drained and my chest hurts and i dont even want to be near my mom tomorrow but i have to be and i’m just so tired of this and none of me is okay

but what made me feel even worse throughout this whole thing is that when i told my mom about this whole thing she got angry and argued with me about how i shouldn’t do this and i dont need to get this done and it lasted maybe only 10 minutes but it was 10 minutes of having to listen to her scold me on this despite the fact that i need to do this and she doesnt even give me a chance to ask her to help with the (ridiculous) price cause she ends the argument with “well fine it’s your money, you’re an adult, i cant stop you”

and so i went to my room after to cry, because of frustration and because of anger and because of sadness, and had to leave 10 minutes later to go out to dinner with them because it was my brother’s last night here before going back home

and of course it’s only when my brother talks to her about it that she even begins to understands but even then she doesnt offer to help with costs and from the beginning she never asked whether i was okay or whether i needed someone to be there for me on the day of surgery

so naturally i ask one of my friends to come with me, because surgery was 4 days away and i kinda needed to give someone a heads up to prep for this

so monday passes without anything from her and tuesday passes without anything from her and then wednesday comes and i’m still in a bad mood because i dont want to talk to her or be around her but i have the unfortunate displeasure of working with her so she’s there and then she decides that SHE’S going to take me to my appointment and even when i told her that i already asked my friend she tells me to tell them that i’m fine and i dont need them to and she has the right to go because she’s my mom

and yeah maybe she’d have the right go if she fucking gave a shit when i first told her instead of having her have some full on anger meltdown about me doing this and refusing to even think about how this might be making me feel

i’ve never been great with sleep but this week has been awful and none of my sleep has felt great and i wake up feeling awful and i’m genuinely terrified of what’s coming on friday and my anxiety is at peak performance and i just really dont want her there with me on friday 

but i think there’s always been an extra layer of sadness when it comes to my birthday i had hoped that i’d grow out of caring so much about it, because i shouldnt expect anyone to remember it and care about it

except, maybe, my parents  (which they often dont anyway, and they barely remembered this time)

and while i am grateful to those who do remember and those who do wish me a happy birthday, this day is overall just so sad 

i dont want to celebrate my birthday anymore, and yet at the same time i’m sad because people dont remember

i really, really hoped i’d grow out of this by now, because really, i should’ve but i’m still a sad child who feels forgotten

i want this day to be over just as much as i want this day to mean something

but maybe that’s half the problem, because, really, how am i suppose to celebrate a day where i’m a year older when all i’ve been doing in between that time is struggling and suffering

so maybe part of me hates my birthday because it means another year has passed by and i’m just as useless as before

i wonder how long i’ve been falling apart probably longer than i can even remember by this point

because even if it’s one step forward, it’s 10 steps back

and at that rate, i’m going nowhere

i’ve lost a lot of the things that used to make me me because i’m angry and bitter and jaded and sad and lost and scared

sometimes i just want someone to give me a hug and to remind me that things will be okay to tell me that they know i’ve been struggling  and that they understand that it’s been difficult to tell me that they’re proud of me for making it this far

i think i need to hear those words out loud one day that they know i’ve been struggling and suffering but they’re proud of me

because all i feel like is a waste of a life meant for better things

because my heart holds onto the sadness and anger and holds it in so i can tear myself apart

because no one wants to deal with this

and i’m mad and i’m angry and i’m sad

but how can i feel that way if i know how incapable all these people are at anything even remotely emotional how can i feel upset when i know that they simply dont know how to deal with me

my parents and family give me all these “solutions” to help me be better because they want more for me than where i am but these solutions make me feel worse, knowing that they dont want to understand that i legitimately have illnesses that make things so much harder than they should be

and my friends care, because i know they do but they’re quite possibly the last people on earth who would be able to give me the emotional support i need because everyone avoids it and we pretend emotions arent real and they’ll divert the conversations and change the subjects and ignore it as much as they possibly can

because emotions are rough  and no one wants to deal

ignoring the things that need to be done and the life that really should be lived

i’ve spent so long pretending like nothing really exists and each day moves forward as if nothing is changing as if nothing is moving

but it is

and i think i block it all out so well that when there’s even the slightest crack in this armor it all comes flooding out and i’m drowning and i’m suffocating and i cant breathe

i havent made that appointment for my wisdom teeth, despite being told to do so way back in november (and even further back when they first told me) and i havent found a doctor, despite knowing that i’m losing my mind with each day that passes and i havent even started figuring out what i’m really going to do with my life

maybe i’ll never be able to admit out loud how much i need help, all i know how to do is pretend and make jokes and suffer in silence

i wonder how long my head will scream at me until i listen or how long my throat will feel tight as i ache to yell out

but would anyone really hear? everything’s a joke and no one can respond

i’m struggling and suffocating and i want it to end

maybe, somewhere inside of me, i dont even want help

i am sad and sad and sad falling and tumbling and breaking apart

and i am mad  at this and at that and most especially at me

and i’m broken and scared and lost 

and when will it ever go away

and when will i ever feel rested

or when the anger will fade

the anger at them for never acknowledging how much i’m struggling, how much i’ve been struggling

and the anger at myself for not being able to do anything

how long will i hate myself for my anxiety and my depression how long will i beat myself up for these feelings and emotions that suffocate and paralyze me

maybe just as long as it’d take for them to acknowledge it (aka, forever)

it’s like every time these conversations pop up, my mind get muddled more and more left in a dark pit that only goes further down

i’ll think about all the things they want me to do, and all the things that i probably should do

but emotions are rough and they keep me from doing much

because no one wants to acknowledge that i’m suffering no one’s ever wanted to acknowledge that i need help

i’m stuck in a place where my anger at them and my anger for me have me in a chokehold and i dont know how to move

and maybe a part of me doesnt even want to move because why should i give them the satisfaction that i did these things when they dont wanna acknowledge just how hard it all was

and maybe the other part of me wishes i wasnt so bitter and could actually move on for myself, without needing anyone else’s support

mother’s day is just an excuse to call me out on all the things i should be doing and all the things i’m not doing and maybe all i ever wanted from these people was the acknowledgment that i’ve worked so hard trying to overcome things and maybe just not be shamed at the fact that i dont know how to talk to people or i dont go out much or any of those things that somehow makes me unlovable 

but they dont get that

and they probably never will

and part of me knows that seeking understanding for this is a tall order