4 variations of an ending

2009/12/05　夜

"Why?"

"I was in a relationship for five years and he loved me in all the ways I was supposed to be loved. He had the motivation. The patience, the consistency. I convinced my self that should've been enough, but what I was missing was the fluency.

"He didn't remember things about me the way I remembered things about him. And I know it sounds silly but I'd buy him his favorite mouthwash at CVS because I remembered he liked the taste. I wouldn't cook with oranges because I remembered he hated them. And I didn't realize how much I needed that reciprocated until a year ago when I reconnected with this guy on hinge.

"There was absolutely no foundation for a relationship but after we met he caught me off guard with 'let me make you dinner' and I said, 'just reminding you I'm celiac.' And even though we hadn't spoken in a year he said 'Dont worry. I already got your favorite chickpea pasta.'

"And I just stood there in his kitchen because I have never been in love with this man and he has never been in love with me, but in that moment, I felt strangely seen and loved, because it wasn't just 'oh he remembered I have an allergy.'

"It's that after a year of silence, there were details about me that felt worth holding onto and that felt more intimate than any partner saying 'I love you' to me becuse declarations of love are just words, but remembering is the action of it. Because you can fake loving someone but you cannot fake remembering.

"And most importantly it implies that I think of you in your absence, whether it's convenient or not. Like when you're going about your day and suddenly there thet are. I find you in the mouthwash aisle. I find you in the fruit bowl. I find you in a thousand small choices I make without thinking. Because even though I don't want to, for the rest of my life I will remember my ex hated oranges."

"What was your name?"

"Sophie."