I guess I am confused more than anything else right now. My mental state is quite stable actually. Although I am not in love with who I am, I do not hate myself as I usually do when writing my blog posts. My arm is also healing quite nicely. The cuts on my right leg however have a bit more healing time because they were slightly deeper. I still have to fight off the urge once in a while though.
I guess I will just go ahead and list the events that have happened recently:
A guy and I have both openly admitted to flirting with each other
Job interviews with John Deere for JDPS EDP program
Do I actually like the guy/want a relationship with him
Do I want to be given an offer
Who would I miss more depending on where I end up career wise
Me and the guy have not talked or discussed whatever we have between us is since we were both quite stressed at the time that it was first brought up. I am currently trying to give him space for several reasons: I need to make sure that this is not just me hating my single life and clinging to whoever is in my life, I do not want to ruin our friendship, he was there with me through several depression moods as well as a few panic attacks, and I just do not want him to just be flirting because I am and feel claustrophobic.
The next two points almost go together into one. If I were given an offer, I would be living in Waterloo/Cedar Falls area. Both of those are towns in Iowa for those not familiar with my home state. Regardless, I would be 14 some hours away from Texas where I have been living the past 4 years. I have gotten used to be able to drive 10-15 minutes to my sister's house and just chill, relax, and hangout with both her and her husband as well as her kids. Living near them has been my saving grace sometimes. I would like to continue living close to them if possible which is why I do not know if I want to receive an offer from my interview. I know that if I get an offer, I will most likely only have a few weeks at the maximum to say yes. This does not leave ample time to see if something in Longview would pan out. Essentially, if I get an offer, I would have no choice but to accept. Okay, yes, I could still say no, but I will take job security over being jobless. Working for Deere would be a great experience, and I think I would enjoy it. Another question I have to ask myself though, is not wanting to leave Longview more so due to not wanting change?
With all of the above, my question on who I would miss the most comes into play. If I work in Iowa, I will be a lot closer with my parents and could see them fairly often which would be good. If I were in Longview, I could see my sister and her family at least once or twice a week if I wanted to. The problem is, I cannot have both. Iowa is far from my sister, and Texas is far from my parents. Then it just gets more complicated if you factor in problem 1 which ultimately should have no affect on what I do with my life at this point.
These are just things that are hard to talk to people about because the opinion I will get really depends on the person giving it. People in Iowa want me to come back to Iowa. People in Texas may encourage and be happy for a job opportunity in Iowa, but if one pays close enough attention, there is sadness behind the happy front. I know in reality that they want me to stay close. I'm torn up at any of these options. I wish I could just give up and let my life fade into nothing. Then I would not have to deal with any of these emotional problems that drive me to tears. Could someone else make all of these life choices for me?
PS: I guess if Iowa does not work out, I could always find a job in Texas after two years of working. I do not always have to stay in Iowa working at Deere even though that is what most people do after the EDP program. I also know that my mindset will change a lot in the next two years. Also, my mom started talking about furniture at the store today, and that honestly just made me more anxious on how many adult things I have to start doing..
