nowhere and now

I need air signs to keep me grounded. funny how wrong astrology gets it sometimes. earth signs might be stable in the sense that they're focused on real, tangible, sensible things, but like, wtf happens when reality fuckin sucks?? how emotionally grounded u gonna be then?? I need some damn air signs to make me feel like things aren't as serious and deep as I'm making them out to be on a regular basis, just like some damn air signs might need my insight into reality to think more deeply about serious issues like having some damn earth signs doesn't mean I don't need fun and don't get affected by things??? I cry every damn day and crave fun. mental illnesses + demand of productivity. shit sucks, I don't wanna be around people who just keep me in these deep oceans of feeling and at this high level of wanting to disappear, I wanna be around people who either live carefree while still somehow caring or are completely driven by their passions to make things not suck and don't get lost in illness traps. fire and air

just wish you could love me, baby, like I do love you

I want a lot. but at least I know what I'm capable of. what I don't know I'm capable of.... is where I get fucked love? I don't know if I'm capable of love... romantic love. can't I be loved and love back? can't it be equal? full of magnitude? force? you loved me. I wish often I hadn't given that up. but I did I love you? I can't fucking tell. but I feel something now.... I feel a lot now. jealousy when you're not with me. desire for the warmth you gave me. regret, guilt, self-hate for giving up such a good thing. i always knew how much you gave me. what did I give it up for? I have felt like I'm on a quest for divine love. but when it feels impossible, all I want is Love love. your love is enough. I'm so sorry for giving it up

I just feel bad! things don't feel right. I don't know what "things" are. I just wanna be my goddamn self! I wanna be around people who enable me to be my truest self! I need to be doing what I deeply care about and what moves me and nothing else! I need to let go of fears and never look down only to find them back in my hands! how! how! how!

I guess I'm mad because this is what you did with me. I guess I'm mad because I know how you work, I know how you attempt to flirt. guess I'm mad because I was right -- you moved on quickly to realize there was nothing special about me, it's the feeling that you like. it's being intrigued by another person. it's admiring from afar and dropping replies hoping one day you meet; it's liking their intimate tweets. it's putting your arm up against the wall behind them as you speak -- I told you, after all, this is how you got me. I wouldn't mind it if I didn't know. wouldn't mind if it didn't make us feel so shallow but it's okay. I hope you're feeling okay. I hope I'm feeling okay. I know I made the right decision for myself even if it hurts unexpectedly to see you elsewhere, even when I think of you in the past tense. you're not mine and what I had wrong is that you never were, as I never was your's. we are our own. possession does not make it's way into unconditional love and this is the lesson I must now learn

where are you? I wanna love you like the sun, love you like the moon. I want to feel your glow flow through me, move me in your shadow; I want to thrive in your presence. who are you? I want to be the sun, too; or the rain, or the soil, or the seeds beneath. I want to grow and let grow, are we from a similar stalk or do you grow somewhere else? are we water, falling to settle, then rising to fall? constantly moving and being moved, nurturing where we stand, then leaving without a sound. am I making sense? I want to be with you and know you don't have to. I want us to fall in the same place because we're doing the same thing, our life cycles repeating but constantly evolving. I want to grow with you and spread with you and feel like we're both each others suns. I hope to god I can find love.

how am I supposed to feel about you? how are we meant to be? don't think you want to be with me but I feel we're meant to be I want you. doesn't really feel like the same want I've felt for others before. this I can handle, I'm still alive every day and I have so much purpose and life beyong this feeling, but I don't want you to slip through my fingers. there's a sense of urgency but I can't tell if I'm imagining it. I should trust in the universe but isn't that a two-way street? and what if I don't do the right thing?

idk. I know what my feelings offer me. I know what my intuition offers me. it's you and it has been for a while. however, we've never known each other in that capacity, and now we're 250 miles and one hour apart. have you ever thought of me this way? are we destined to be soul-friends and nothing further? I feel pulled to you, but I've felt this way before and I don't know which gut feelings to trust. I guess we'll see, because if you're meant for me, than I'm meant for you. you'll find me too and everything will make sense. or it won't and then I'll finally know. I just want to know

"if I could begin to be half of what you think of me I could do about anything, I could even learn how to love like you"

partially want to die. partially want to love you don't know if you want to love me. might as well send you all of the love my friendship can offer and if that leads somewhere, so be it. if it doesn't, so be it. it is what it is and these interacting forces are something that I can't change

trying to work out what i want. is it you? i don't think so. but will i feel that way in two months? in four? in one year, it won't matter. but this week it does. you care for me every time you speak, every time we meet, every time we don't. there's nothing more you could do.

beer/cigarettes/weed constantly understimulated, grateful for my guilt or else who knows where I’d be. stuck in a drug trap that i’d never leave, never awake but never quite asleep. staring at the sun until my eyes catch fire, fingers twisting, need to put my hands under me

now that we're separate, I like you more than I ever had. I'm learning how it is to be your friend, be comfortable without fear of commitment, now I want you. you're my girl in my head and before I was afraid of that, would not talk you up, now I want to. I'm realizing how special you are. isn't this how it always goes

we live for relief! It's easy to forget. its easy to lose the ability to use pleasures in moderation... smoke every day, drink every day, lay in bed all day, always treating yourself. they stop being treats after a while. its easy to avoid and ignore the things that make life hard. the work, the work, the work... it piles up and buries you if you don't do it every day, but doing it every day is not easy! managing time is not easy! organizing and cleaning up your mess is not easy, but you get into a habit and it gets easier. you save rewards for after work and it gets easier. you save the treats, you savor relief, you enjoy yourself, this is what makes life worth living but the only way to have the good things is to do the work

how am i supposed to do the many many things i need to do when i'm an emotional disaster, crying at the thought of anything i love? anger seething from my teeth at everything i hate, the things i don't understand, the things i do... how, when i'm run by fear, do i move? fear doesn't move. i can't remember the last time i took two steps forward. when i move, i run, then stall like a car with no gas my eyes are scanning the room. scanning the room. scanning the room. my fingers are finding my phone, thumb slides, thumb slides, thumb sldes. i can't sit still, i can't move, what do i do for twenty-fours in a day and i don't even sleep? who's stealing my time, my mind? no one's ever had so many half-plans, unfinished projets piling up and i'm never throwing anything away

compulsory hetrosexuality is a demon i'm understanding it. i find myself wanting a guy when i meet them because they're: confident, warm, secure. right away. first impression, but what the fuck is a first impression? and what's depth, what's understanding, what's true empathy? these things aren't captured by the guy behind the counter at the liquor store who felt warm. they aren't inherent in the guy who was confident enough to smile and make eye contact, these things don't define a person, they're a symptom of gender roles, and so am I. women are the warmest people i know. who could feel more safe? confidence will come. security is shared. we will both hold each other up, we'll both be the big spoon, we'll make each other feel safer than we actually are. what love could run deeper than the love between women, the love of understanding, the love of silence and knowing? i can't wait to hold her in my arms and her to hold me, can't wait to know that she is special, she is reaching and grabbing in a way that i've never been grabbed and always, i'll feel comfortable