doomed lesbians🩷

michael with npd is sooo important to me, its such a demonized disorder so im glad people arent shy to express that headcanon. ive always seen jeremy as his ep/equal person who he slowly falls out of having that relationship with as the story progresses. he doesnt see him as “above” their peers based on high school popularity, but instead the exact opposite - michael thinks they’re both above everyone because they aren’t going to peak in high school, they have better priorities and they’re going to lead better lives once they get to be “cool in college”. once jeremy starts prioritizing popularity over their sort of vow of patience, then michael starts lowering the pedestal jeremy is on and being less receptive to his desires to be cool (“so you haven’t been ignoring me all day?”). also once he no longer has an equal person post-bathroom scene it kind of just destroys him. he doesn’t have anyone he wants to talk to. everyone else is shallow and dumb and POPULAR and won’t ever GET him like jeremy did. (big reason why i hate when people say michael being suicidal in mitb is unrealistic or stupid. because like maybe you haven’t considered that he was already mentally ill way before this and just didnt show symptoms because he was doing okay with jeremy being there.) i think boyf riends dont ever return to the ep/fp dynamic (random bpd jeremy mention i love bpd jeremy) but eventually become something mutually healthier post-squip after theyre both kinda weird with each other for a bit because jeremy is afraid of michaels rejection and michael is afraid of jeremy never meeting his expectations again (+ mad at him a little).

bonus expensive headphones note: the way i plan to play npd michael is probably going to involve being REALLY awkward with rich during act 2 scene 8 and voices in my head. first of all the concept of people liking him romantically is foreign to him as a gay trans (<- personal hc) kid who attends high school in bumfuck nowhere new jersey, but also he’s always seen rich as one of those inferior peaks-in-hs popular kids and now suddenly he just. isnt. and the whole thing is weird and strange and weird to michael. kid who used to be an obstacle to his grandiose self-perception now thinks he’s cool and awesome and it’s everything he wants but it’s not enough because it’s still rich goranski and he really can’t gauge how he’s supposed to weigh that guy’s opinion yet.

“Do you even care how much you hurt Jude?” His voice was shrill, seething silently from the other end of the line. 

“Jude and I are just frien-”

“Bullshit, Summer! For whatever reason, Jude really fucking loves you. Somehow, after all the caginess and the unreliability, he still gives a fuck about you. And you don’t even care!”

What did Kai know about love? He was always on and off with Aria, always fucking around with some poor girl to make her jealous, knowing he would inevitably repeat the cycle. 

“You’re one of my best friends, but Jude’s my brother. If you wanna be casual, that’s fine, but he doesn’t deserve to be lied to or used. He’s made it very clear how much he cares about you, but you keep him on a fucking chain, and it’s not right. If you actually care about him, you would be honest with him. It’s the least he deserves.” 

I knew Jude cared about me. That was the worst part of this whole situation. He was always taking care of me, always gentle, always comforting me, making sure I was safe. I was constantly waiting for him to slip up, to break my heart or something, but he never did. And I hated it. None of this was fair to him. 

My heart raced as I made way to Jude. Suddenly it felt like a million people were crowding the room. It was way too fucking hot in here; I felt like I was gonna throw up or faint as I stood in front of him. 

“I need to talk to you,” I said, already leading him outside.

The cold ocean air whipped my face as I stood there in front of him. I could still hear Whitesnake blaring inside the room, and all I could think about was how I was gonna murder Kai if he was wrong. What if I was just a casual fling for Jude? What if he was sick of me by now? He could have a new girlfriend or fling right now! He could be meeting up with some girl after his show, and there would be nothing I could do about it! 

“I haven’t been fair to you, Jude. I’m sorry”. I didn’t even look at him when I spoke. I couldn’t.

“What are you talking about?” 

“When we first started talking, I was so prepared for you just to be another asshole. I was waiting for you to break my heart; I was practically pleading for it. But you’re so fucking kind. No matter what I’ve done to you,  you’re always so nice and gentle. You don’t yell at me, you don’t force me to do shit, you don’t criticize me, you don’t hurt me, and that terrifies me. And I’m so sorry that I’ve been such a bitch to you and all I do is keep you at arms length-”

“Summer-”

“And I understand if you hate me, because if you treated me the way I treat you, I would be so fucking pissed. But just need you to know that I really do love you and-”

“Summer! Just listen to me, please!”

I was crying by this point, and I cried even harder when Jude put his arms around my shoulders. I could smell the Country Apple body splash and the surf wax clinging to his clothes as he pulled me closer. 

“I’m not upset with you, Jewels,” he paused for a second before regaining himself. 

“When Mindy died, I really thought that was it for me. I was either gonna join her, or I was just gonna spend the rest of my life alone because what was left for me after that? But no matter what you think about yourself, Summer, you’re such a bright light to everybody you meet. You’re accepting and authentic; you don’t care what anyone says about you or anyone else. You’re always so patient and kind; you’re sarcastic and stubborn, you’re a million things at once, and I want every single one of them. What are you so scared of, Summer?”

 I was scared of every fucking thing. It was all too much to tell him. I never really cared too much for the guys I dated, breaking up with them after a week to save myself from the heart. I don’t even think I could call what Jake did to me love.  The only person I had a semblance of a good relationship with was a girl, so I never knew what to do with a guy that actually cared about me. Jude’s love wasn’t forceful or cruel, just patient and delicate. What was I supposed to do with someone like that?

“I don’t know how to love someone like you do.” I kept my eyes on the concrete, trying not to look at him as I spoke. I sounded like a child. 

“I could show you,” The metal from his piercing felt cold against my lips as he kissed me. 

“You deserve to be loved, Summer. Just let me take care of you.”