The Contiuing Saga Of Monique's Uptown Problems

I’m slowly but surly learning more and more about myself, and so excited for it! I went to a party last night and because of my past experiences with social anxiety at parties, decided taking a shot of vodka, a shot of tequila and a shot of jameson would be the perfect pregame. I get there and it’s all good, im smoking drinking just chillin, but then I for some unknown reason think I need to go I just start feeling like everyone is taking about me and I gotta go. Eventually these two girls that are good friends say that I just need to dance, and they keep telling me to just do it! and i should have, every time I over think it all and chicken out. This girl told me to have a goal for the night. It’s like they all know what I’m thinking but I’m like do they really? I should have just went for it. I wanted to chill with everyone and dance and just party, but I didn’t know anyone and I wanted someone to start it hahaha.... next time I will!!! I’m now determined to party and let loose. I’m tired of hiding in my shell, it’s pretty but it’s not fitting anymore! I will just party! I’m done being afraid. I just want these kids to think I’m cool, but I’ve now realized I don’t care, as long as I feel cool I will be! And I should just do what makes me feel cool, all that really matters is what I think of myself and how I’m making me feel! Next time I will accomplish my goal! I’ll do exactly what I want because there isn’t a reason I can’t. 

I failed to mention in my last post a part of this memory that makes it so special to me. As my friends start winding down and curling up for the night I start packing up. As I climb down the ladder No says “you can stay... but you’re already leaving so see ya” I leave get halfway back to my tent then realize I left all the tree I just bought in the treehouse, I drive back and pick it up then stay because I’m already so tired and I didn’t realize before that it would be cool for me to stay. I smoke a little more before I’m really ready to knock out. Being late August it’s still beautiful out, but the increased wind from being so high up made it a little chilly and there was only one blanket, luckily Noah is chivalrous and cuddled up with me so I stayed warm, and there are very few times that falling asleep curled up with someone who’s company you enjoy an enormous amount isn’t the finest way to fall asleep. The next morning the sun shining on my face is what brought me out of my sleeping state. At that time I realized that I wanted the sun to be who woke me every morning there could be nothing better than being brought out of my slumbers by it’s warm embrace. It wasn’t as hard to fall asleep on a hardwood floor as I would have thought, but I for sure had some aches the next day that I can’t lie I didn’t partially welcome, not as if I could forget about it but I choose the think of them as a reminder that often times I’ll experience the most beautiful moments without any intention of them being important at all something to help make the next day full of long drives, plane rides, and airport chillin not as sucky, because my head was still stuck among the trees. 

... “Ooohhh, that was really embarressing ” it was if I had completely forgotten the struggle I had just endured to get there.  Anyways it was truly one of my favorite nights, as was the night I first met them a night I will never forget and all ways keep close to my heart. We drank a little, smoked alot and listened to the most emotionally gratifying and draining music I had ever had the pleasure of being present for. These dudes are really the most empathetic people I’ve met. I never even have to tell them how I feel, Aden (Tarazan) magically knows the perfect songs to play for every moment. We all shared a beautiful moment listening to a song in Italian, the chorus translating to It’s time to say goodbye and I still don’t know if they know I feel like they must be able to read my emotions as hard as that is to believe seems how I usually couldn’t say how I feel in any clear way or if they just have lucked out 2 of the 2 times we’ve chilled and I can’t help but think they are probably some of the coolest people in this world.