Mosaic Life

Dear Your Mosaic Life subscribers,

I have enjoyed writing the Your Mosaic Life newsletter for 14 years. I appreciate all of your feedback and responses over the years and hope the newsletter has provided you with some ideas and approaches to crafting your life in a way that is beautiful to you. From the first edition of the newsletter I wrote:

Enjoying a Mosaic Life means making the most of your many roles, envisioning each one as a tile that adds to the whole beautiful picture. I invite you to see your life as a complete mosaic, with tiles of different sizes, shapes and colors. Instead of frantically “juggling” your many roles or struggling to “balance” your life, I invite you to create a Mosaic Life, one where all the pieces are integrated into a satisfying whole.

Each month I will provide strategies and suggestions on how to integrate your various roles, how to handle your own and other peoples’ expectations, and how to develop a personal compass that will guide you through decision-making, so the life you live is consistent with your values.

Following my own advice, I have been assessing my roles over the past couple of years, and checking my personal compass. I realized it was time for a change so my work life would be consistent with my values.

One of the major tiles in my mosaic is changing. I have restarted my consulting practice – which I’m calling Fermata Consulting – with a somewhat different purpose: I will be working with non-profit organizations whose focus is social justice issues.  Specifically, I will be helping non-profit leaders reduce burnout and vicarious trauma that is common among their staff, working with leaders to minimize turnover and keep their focus on the organization’s mission. My many years of clinical experience with trauma survivors has been leading me in this direction. Fermata Consulting will allow me to shift the frame of my work from individuals to a “macro” focus on organizations and systems.

So, naturally, my newsletter will change, too. I’m calling it On Purpose. I would love to have you join me for the next phase of the journey.

We will explore concrete strategies and philosophical shifts that drive you and keep you on your path (whatever your goal). I’ll pay special attention to sustaining your passion and energy for the work of social change.

The past few months’ newsletters of Your Mosaic Life (On Purpose, Empathy and Choose Your Lane) have given you a taste of my new direction, and I hope it speaks to you.

On a practical note, the emails will now be coming from [email protected], so please put me on your safe senders list.  

Thank you for reading Your Mosaic Life all these years. I hope the newsletter helped you figure out your purpose. And now, I hope this new newsletter will help you sustain yourself to pursue that purpose.

"I am only one; but still I am one. I cannot do everything but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do the something that I can do."

-- Edward Everett Hale

Racial injustice is finally in the headlines every single day and not a moment too soon. Many people I talk to are feeling overwhelmed. Being overwhelmed is understandable, but it keeps you from being engaged and active. And we need everyone’s skills and energy. So how about this? Why don’t you just choose your particular part of this fight and in doing so, choose your lane? You don’t have to make a difference everywhere, just make a difference somewhere. Choose your lane.

The murder of George Floyd has ignited a discussion about the disproportionate use of force by the police on people of color. If this calls to you, get out there and work on it. If not, what issues are you already involved with? Because I promise you, you are needed there as well. Every issue you care about intersects with the issue of racial injustice.

Are you a front-line health care worker, dealing with COVID-19? Black Americans are three times more likely to die of this disease than White Americans.

Have you been working in the gun violence prevention movement? You might already know, then, that Black Americans die ten times as often due to gun violence than White Americans (Everytownresearch.org). So keep up your work, and you will be fighting racial injustice.

Is your focus the environment? Keep this in mind, from The Climate Reality Project: “As the climate crisis deepens and drives us toward ecological collapse, those who suffer the most will inevitably be the same people of color who for decades have seen their dreams deferred by political neglect and a fundamental lack of concern in the halls of power.”

Or maybe you have been focusing on the pay disparity for women, and economic issues? Here again we see that, while overall women make 70 cents for every dollar a man makes, that disparity grow even larger for women of color. For example, Black mothers make 50 cents for every dollar paid to White non-Hispanic fathers (NWLC.org).

I think you get the point. So choose your lane. Find the place where you can make the difference that calls to you. I suspect you may already know where you belong – where your interests and passion direct you -- and just need to recognize what is in front of you. It may be the thing that keeps popping up in your calendar. Or maybe it’s in a record of your donations. It’s all a means to fighting racial injustice -- as long as you keep the disparate impact on people of color at the forefront of your focus.

The biggest failing I see at the moment? Lack of empathy. 

Plenty of research has demonstrated that people can learn empathy. We can teach our children empathy. But we don’t. We send them out into the world focused on their own needs, and we don’t teach them to feel for one another. I know, I know: I’m a psychologist, so I may be biased. My work is all about empathy.

The world would be a better place if folks spent more time thinking about the impact of their actions on other people. Watching the murder of George Floyd and not feeling you have to fight against racial injustice is a lack of empathy. Reading that Black Americans die from gun violence ten times as often as White Americans and not thinking our gun laws need to change is a lack of empathy. Seeing how disproportionately poor communities are devastated by the impact of climate change and not making changes in your everyday consumption and use of fossil fuels is a lack of empathy. Knowing that women make less for every dollar than men and that women of color make less than White women on each of those dollars and not feeling we need equal pay is a lack of empathy. 

Pick an issue, any issue, and you’ll find a lack of empathy at its root. Our President shows it every time he tweets, by making fun of people with disabilities, by laughing when he describes sexually assaulting women, by not understanding the anger of the peaceful protesters , by  responding to them with military force. That’s lack of empathy. 

Try for one moment to stand in the other person’s shoes. Imagine what life is like for them. If you’re White, imagine what it’s like, for example, to fear for your life when you notice a police car in your rear-view mirror. What it’s like to enter a store and be followed by the security guard. What it’s like to send your child out into the world, fearing every time they leave the house that they may not come back -- because someone may call the police on them for going running, buying coffee at Starbucks, walking their dog, forgetting to use their turn signal. 

We can each work on this every single day. And we must. I implore you to start now. 

This month I’m going to challenge you and ask: What’s your personal mission? (Corona virus caveat: as I wrote last month, the current short-term mission is to survive the pandemic. That’s it.) What is the cause or work or goal that keeps you motivated? What drives you?

Paid or volunteer work in almost any field is more difficult now than before the pandemic. So how do you keep going? Stay mission-focused to sustain you now and for the long-term.

I like to think about the metaphor of running. There is a huge difference in the pace you take when you are running a sprint as opposed to a marathon.

Let’s use a concrete example: A political campaign has a beginning, middle and an end. It’s a sprint. You give it all you've got and leave it on the track. No regrets when the campaign is over because you poured yourself into your work entirely.

On the other hand, work to save the planet, protect people from gun violence, stop violence against children, end racism, sexism, homophobia or poverty -- you get the idea -- it’s a completely different situation. These are lofty goals and these efforts will require a concerted effort over a long haul. That’s a marathon.

So just like a marathon you’ll need to get prepared by running some long runs and some short runs. There will be times where you’ll need to taper, times when you give it your all, and some times when you pull the pace back a bit to make sure you make it all the way to the finish line.

Of course I’m going to put a plug in here for some self-care and figuring out what sustains you individually as you go along. (You knew that was coming.) But there’s something more. In my research with non-profit leaders, I have begun to see a clear message: you have to stay connected to the mission to sustain yourself for the long haul.

Lots of times we can get distracted from our mission by the day-to-day needs of our organization. (Or, if you are working on your own, by the day-to-day needs of the task itself.) We forget that the fundraising calls and staff meetings (or the emails and logging of time, or the knocking on doors or the licking of envelopes) are a piece of what we need to move the larger mission forward, and instead we get caught up in the meetings and calls themselves. I encourage you to think about how you can direct yourself back to the mission itself, the compassion and commitment that brought you to this work in the first place. Was it the people you serve? The larger aim of a more just world? How can you remember that lure, and use it to pull you through the daily stresses (exacerbated now by the stressors and strains brought on by the pandemic) that threaten to drain you?

Sometimes that may mean visualizing a world that looks the way you want it to. Or connecting with your friends and colleagues who share your vision. Or reading something hopeful about the future from the people you serve, or from people who inspire you in your field.

What sustains you? Obviously your fundamental physical needs must be met: food, water, sleep, exercise. But what keeps you going when you despair? What brings you hope when things seem hopeless? What makes you take that next step when you feel you can’t?

I think of those moments as a psychological or emotional emergency. And, as in any emergency, you need to be prepared. Do you have a list?

I often recommend to clients, particularly those who are feeling burnt out, that they develop a list of things that are helpful to them in case of an emotional emergency. As I’ve written earlier, you need to make a list of what to do in an emergency when you’re in a calm state, as an emergency is never the time to expect to think clearly.

That list can include the people you count on; the things that you like to do that soothe you and feel good; or your emergency resources. In that previous post I suggested that you might write down some things that help you feel good, and then try one when you are feeling awful. And if that activity doesn’t work, try another item on your list.

Here I also encourage you to broaden that list to include reminders of your fundamental values, and your purpose in life. Perhaps you could develop a motto or find a picture that could capture that idea. If your kids are your purpose in life, find a picture of them that captures a moment where you were the kind of parent you always hope you’d be. If your volunteer or paid work is your purpose, perhaps reminding yourself of the mission statement of the organization would do the trick. If you value honesty, maybe find a picture of Abe Lincoln or find a quotation that focuses on that value.  Staying connected to your purpose and values can motivate you to act when you otherwise feel you cannot.

So when you feel as if you’re facing a brick wall, envision your primary motivation in life. Then see how that purpose might help you find a ladder to climb over that wall, a shovel to dig under it, or a path that goes around it.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. That’s the “Golden Rule,” give or take. According to Wikipedia, “This concept appears prominently in Buddhism, Christianity, Hinduism, Judaism, Taoism, Zoroastrianism, and ‘the rest of the world's major religions.’” I confess that I fail at this sometimes, but I do try to be mindful of how I treat other people.

I have written earlier about being your own friend and talking to yourself as you would talk to a friend. Over the past few months it has become clear to me at work that many of my clients would speak more kindly to anyone else in the entire world (not just a friend), than they would to themselves.

So I will continue to challenge you as I did a few months ago to be your own friend and be kinder in your thoughts and self-evaluation. Now I will add to it my version of the Golden Rule. Can you do for yourself as you would do for others? In other words, can you be as nice to yourself as you would be to others?

If you knew someone at your office had just had a difficult day how would you treat her and what would you expect from her? If a friend were going through a hard time how would you treat him and what would you expect from him? My guess in both cases is that you would say something kind; you would bring them something they might need or want (personally, I’m thinking chocolate); and you would expect very little in return as they worked through their issue.

How do those scenarios compare with how you treat yourself and what you expect from yourself? Does it match? If not (and if you’re anything like my clients, it doesn’t), then please apply my version of the Golden Rule and be as nice to yourself as you would be to any other person on the planet. That’s all I’m asking: do something nice for yourself just as you would for someone else.

What are the things that fill your cup? As I write this I’m sitting and looking at a beautiful view. That’s something that helps me feel better.  It’s something nice I am doing for myself. Is there music that lifts your spirits? Do you like to read? Talk to a friend? Eat the aforementioned (and recommended) chocolate? Feel the sun on your face? Spend time with your community? Whatever it is, that’s what I’m asking you to do. Pick something you love and do that thing. Apply my Golden Rule.

Do you have a voice in the back of your mind which always says you must be productive? Sometimes that voice can be helpful, prodding us to move forward when we need to accomplish something. But it can also easily slide into the self-critical mind, telling us incessantly to be productive -- regardless of our current circumstance or need for a break. Think about working out. Successful athletes and their coaches recognize the need for recovery time to give the muscles a chance to rest and rebuild so they are prepared for the next physical challenge. It’s the same for our brains.

I’ve written earlier about the positive impact of taking a break. Sometimes we just need one, and our productivity and efficiency is increased when we return from a break. Does this work for you? I know that when I’m stuck on a thorny problem, doing something physical like taking a walk can untie the knots that were there before I stepped outside. Or I give myself a brain break just by switching from one task to another, and then find myself better able to tackle the original task because I have focused my attention elsewhere for a while.

I recently read an article about how to raise female CEOs (what can I say, women’s career development is a long-time passion), when I came upon an interesting anecdote:  

“(Sara) Blakely, the Spanx founder, needs time being a couch potato to create. Before kids, she would regularly lie on her sofa, daydreaming for three or four hours. ‘That’s where I did my best inventing,’ she says.”

Interesting. Everybody preaches productivity and action, but there is not as much attention paid to the benefit of simply doing nothing. We are not only what we produce. Or at least, in order to produce or create something, in order to “be productive,” it is important to also lie fallow. That too is part of the process. And lying fallow is not about wasting time; lying fallow has within it the idea of gestating, or resting. It’s not a time to actively plan or make lists or solve a problem. It’s a time to let your mind off its leash. Let your thoughts wander and see where they lead you.  It can be a precursor to great productivity, or perhaps allow you to subconsciously unknot a problem.  

And I have to say: even for someone like me who knows the value of taking a break and preaches it to clients, I can’t think of the last time I allowed myself to daydream for hours. What would it be like to set aside some time without a goal in mind, without a particular agenda, other than letting your mind wander? Think back to big decisions you’ve made, or great ideas you’ve had. How much undistracted time did you need to arrive at those ideas? I know for me, blocks of thinking time are precious when I want to get creative.

I think I need to schedule some time to be a couch potato…

“There is so much to do, and never enough time.” Isn’t that the mantra of our lives? But what does that mantra do to our psyche? The constant drumbeat of unfinished tasks, the sense of urgency about the problems in the world, and my own inability to accomplish all that is on my to-do list wears me down.

The items on my list range from the small things (pick up milk, return a phone call) to the very big things (figure out how I can minimize my impact on the climate, address an important emotional issue in a relationship, learn a new therapeutic approach to help a client get unstuck). But large or small, the long list contributes to the feeling that I’m not making progress, or getting enough done, or leaving any kind of positive legacy for the next generation.

In response to this feeling of “I’m not doing enough”, I have started to toy with two different mantras to counteract that widespread one.

First, I tell myself that “sooner or later, it will all get done.” This one is particularly helpful for the little things in life, the day-to-day grind, the minor stresses that need to be addressed. The truth of the matter is: it will either get done sooner or later -- or it won’t get done at all, but the important things always seem to get done. Even if you have to sacrifice some sleep, you do get the important things done. And if a task drops away, it probably wasn’t that important to begin with.

Second, I tell myself that “it will still be there tomorrow.” This one helps me address the feeling that I am not working enough  on the big issues of our time that I care deeply about – racial and economic justice, climate change, gender inequities – and also, that I could always be doing more to help the clients in my practice. This mantra tells me that the task in front of me is huge, and if I make a small change, the problems and the need for more change will still be there. That might sound depressing, but for me, it is a reminder that the problems are bigger than I am, that I am only one person, and that continuing to take care of myself (while I try to address those issues) is crucial. As I’ve written before, this is a marathon, not a sprint. And since it will still be there tomorrow, I should take care of myself along the way, try to make the change I can, and not despair.

Many years ago I wrote about my son’s first-grade teacher’s division of everything in the classroom into “must do’s” and “can do’s.” It was a simple and elegant system to teach the kids how to structure their days. Get the must do’s done and then you’ll have time for the can do’s.

Recently I realized I had been doing a lot of the can do’s instead of the must do’s, so I thought I should take another look at this idea. On a daily basis, I am fairly clear on what must be done and what is superfluous and should probably wait until I have some free time. So why was I spending so much time on the “extras” and not enough on the must do’s of my work and volunteer time? And how could I get myself back on track so I could be a little more productive, while also taking the time to relax and do things that I enjoy?

The shift that is working for me is focusing on my values. The “must do’s” on my list are there because I put them there. I am very privileged to do paid and volunteer work that is consistent with my values. But just like everyone else, I find that sometimes work is just work. I forget in those moments that this is the work that I love and that I chose to do. And that shift in my viewpoint then allows me to get the must do’s done. And then I can go back to a game or my guitar or a book or go out with friends later on. Any of those activities becomes a nice alternative, and one that I’m happy to turn to. Because “can do’s” are fun!

When I focus on my values, on the reasons I chose this volunteer and paid work, I remember why I’m doing it in the first place. And then I find my motivation to get back to work.

Take a minute this month to think about why you do the things you do. Look at the values that underlie those activities. It can be any activity; even taking out the garbage is based on the value of not having a house full of stinky garbage.

This is a difficult time in our country. Every day we are confronted with horrific news. Children separated from their parents at the border by our government. Numerous mass shootings in recent weeks. And, of course, the constant drumbeat of gun violence in our cities. One hundred Americans are killed by guns every day, and many more are injured (https://everytownresearch.org/gun-violence-america/). And let’s not forget the United Nations’ report that we only have twelve years to limit a climate change catastrophe (https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2018/oct/08/global-warming-must-not-exceed-15c-warns-landmark-un-report). The list goes on: a rise in white supremacy; the opioid crisis; the increase in suicide rates; women and girls being trafficked, assaulted and exploited. And I am sure you could add some others that are haunting you as well.

This list doesn’t even address the issues that might be facing your particular community or family.

So what can we do when this kind of news understandably leaves us in despair? Or overwhelmed by all that we want to respond to, advocate for, and understand?

We know the solutions to these problems are bigger than any one person or group, and that getting to the solutions will be a marathon rather than a sprint. Running a marathon? I’m already overwhelmed and I haven’t even put on my sneakers yet. So I try to think about the situation as being like a relay marathon. We each need to run our leg of the relay, but when we start feeling overwhelmed or the despair takes over, we may need to pass the baton to someone else for a while.

Then once you’ve passed the baton? Take the time to recover. Think about your feeling of despair as almost like a death. When someone dies we usually allow ourselves the time we need to mourn and be supported. We recognize that something traumatic has happened, and it is expected that you will need to lean on those around you, and be kind to yourself. You don’t just rush back into life “as usual.” I would love for you to take your despair that seriously. Focus on some significant self-care. Step away from the stresses that brought you that despair for a little while.

I often ask clients to pay attention to what they say to themselves over the course of the day. People who are depressed tend to bathe in self-critical thoughts all day long. Think about it. If you’re listening to nothing but the radio station which tells you how awful you are, it is no wonder that you feel depressed. The message you’re getting is that you are a terrible person or that you’ll never amount to anything. That has to make you feel down.

Now is the time to switch the radio station and rewire your brain. Start refocusing your attention on more positive thoughts about yourself. I’m not talking about the aspirational appeal of “the power of positive thinking.” I don’t want you making stuff up about yourself, or creating a mantra. I’m hoping you’ll look for the positive things that are actually already in your life. Think about not just what you’re grateful for (although that’s also a good thing to do and we have good data showing it can be effective in lifting your mood). I’m talking about what you do well, or what you have accomplished, or the things about yourself that you value or enjoy. And if that’s a step too far, how about just observing something about yourself that is neutral rather than self-critical? So rather than “I never get anything done,” how about saying “I got the dishwasher cleaned out, but I didn’t get to the laundry.” Or rather than saying “I’m a failure” how about “I have had some successes and some failures in my life.”

Sometimes people don’t even realize how negative their inner narration is. So I’d ask you to think about some of the things you tell yourself, and then ask yourself to imagine saying the same thing to a friend. Would you ever tell a friend “You’re stupid,” or “That was an idiotic thing to do,” or “You look so fat in that outfit,” or, the real doozy: “I can’t believe you haven’t done more with your life”?

So what I’m asking you to do is to start to treat yourself the way you would treat a friend. When you hear that inner voice, ask yourself: Would I talk to a friend that way? If not, you should not be talking to yourself that way either. If you can be a friend to yourself, and speak to yourself in the kind way that you would speak to a friend, you will be more than halfway there.

It’s all really a matter of attention, isn’t it?

How do you feel:

When you focus on what is wrong with your life and ignore what is right about it?

When you look at what you don’t get done in the day and you overlook what you do accomplish?

When you examine your faults and foibles and discount your assets and strengths?

When you see your deficits and disregard your gifts?

When you look at other people’s lives as a way to outline what is “not enough” in your life and neglect what is sufficient -- or even plenty -- in your own life?

 “Who is rich? He who rejoices in his lot.”    Pirkei Avot 4 (An ancient Jewish teaching, which translates as Ethics of the Fathers)

 I once heard a talk where the speaker said that comparing others’ external experiences (hello Facebook users, I’m talking to you) with our own internal experience is like comparing the travel brochure of one country with the crime and poverty statistics of another.  Where are you directing your attention? To other people’s seemingly perfect curated lives online?

I encourage you to start paying attention to where you put your attention. We often do not even realize that what we pay attention to is a choice. But it is. You can decide what you want to look at and focus on. Do you have a catalogue of all the things that are wrong in your life? Is it cross-referenced and filled out with great detail? How about putting that much effort into what is right in your life? How might you feel different if you did? If you discover you feel bad about yourself every time you look at a particular Facebook page, consider unfollowing it instead. Replace it with a Facebook page of a babbling brook. Or dogs on Roombas. Or whatever will give you a smile.

People think of meditators as people who say ohm for hours while sitting in the lotus position balanced on a rock on a mountaintop. But meditators are people who are learning how to pay attention. And where to pay attention. And then putting that attention on appropriate, beneficial things. Things that will enhance rather than detract from their lives. It takes time to get there consistently, because you are rewiring your brain from the way it has been functioning (maybe for years). And that rewiring takes practice and repetition. But you can do it.

It’s all a matter of attention.

You’ve heard of BYOB? Well I’ve got a new twist on it that seems to shock many women I talk to: BYOM. Bring your own mood. You could call it BYOF – bring your own feelings – just as easily.

We have been socialized as women to smile at people as we’re walking down the street, be nice and play fair, focus on taking care of others, put our own needs behind those of the people we love. Last month I discussed this in terms of our being responsive to others’ needs and the impact that has on our own goals.

In a 2015 article by Rose Hackman, in The Guardian, she discusses this issue and the impact it has on women in the paid workforce:

In a work context, emotional labor refers to the expectation that a worker should manipulate either her actual feelings or the appearance of her feelings in order to satisfy the perceived requirements of her job. Emotional labor also covers the requirement that a worker should modulate her feelings in order to influence the positive experience of a client or a colleague.

It also includes influencing office harmony, being pleasant, present but not too much, charming and tolerant and volunteering to do menial tasks (such as making coffee or printing documents).

Hackman’s observations about the emotional labor expected of women in the work environment are just as true in the larger world. The requirement that women perform a role, or at least monitor and modulate their emotions is not limited to the office. As I pointed out at the beginning, it is also expected on the street, in interactions in stores and gas stations and with customer service and in politics, and perhaps in everyday social settings as well.

With all this in mind, I have been pointing out to clients who are exhausted and burnt out at work or at home that they recognize the cost of these behaviors, this “mask,” and consider an alternative. BYOM. What if you walked into your family dinner time or the next meeting at work and brought your actual mood into the room?

No extra energy expended. For the women I see who are struggling with burnout this is a lifesaver. They are already running on an empty tank and for many of them the back-up tank is also empty. So what they need is time for self-care, not other-care. I can’t think of any situation in which looking after someone else’s needs truly fills your own tank. Perhaps some of us feel good when we are helping others – I know I do – but if doing that also requires that I stifle my own mood, then I am expending energy to appear to feel some way other than the way I actually feel, and it tends to lose that rosy glow.

So take a radical step and BYOM. Your tank of emotional energy will thank you.

A few months ago I wrote a Your Mosaic Life newsletter on responsiveness. My conclusion was that being responsive often means that our own priorities get sidelined.  So sometimes we have to say no to requests from family, friends, kids, work, and the community, to move forward toward our own goals.

In the past few months I’ve been thinking more about this idea, and I want to go a little deeper into the issue this month. What is the root cause of women’s responsiveness? Is being responsive something that happens automatically when you’re focused on your kids? You start out wanting to be responsive to your own kids’ needs so you prioritize them over your own; and then you see the needs of their friends, their school, or (more generally) in the community. So you respond to those as well.

Is it just the socialization we women get, or is there something more here? Women are taught to put other people first, to “be nice.”  Many of the women in my professional and personal life tell me almost every day that they don’t like to be confrontational, that they value harmony with others over meeting their own needs. So perhaps it’s cultural, with women fulfilling the gender roles they have been trained for.

Or maybe it’s biological? I read an article a while back which argued that women aren’t crazy when we hit menopause, we just start acting more like men and children. As the bath of estrogen we have been steeped in starts to dissipate, we start putting our own needs first. It’s as if we emerge from a hormone-induced haze that has put everyone else first, and we begin to see that our needs deserve a place on the table as well. This can rock the boat in lots of families and cause women to feel like we’re not “ourselves” during this period of time.

One of the downsides to being so responsive to other people is that a woman does not have time for deep self-reflection. I often find myself waiting to figure out what I’m going to do until after I know how I’m needed by others. So the needs of others determine my focus. It has made me extremely flexible when I do set my agenda, as some unavoidable event will often crop up (a parent gets sick, a child has an emergency at school, a close friend gets fired and needs some support). But anticipating others’ needs also keeps your focus outside yourself -- which makes it difficult to go deeper into your own thoughts. 

It’s not just that you can't make progress towards your goals, as I wrote back in September. You might not even have the headspace to identify those goals in the first place.  As a result, you would be hard-pressed to consider something significant, like a career shift, or what your passion might be. You simply don’t have the bandwidth to do that kind of reflecting.

Consider putting some time into your schedule to focus on your own life and what you want in it. Take a short break from responsiveness and concentrate on creating your own Mosaic Life!

Perhaps it’s my age, or the type of client I work with, but lately in both my personal life and at work I am hearing the big existential questions: What’s my purpose? My focus? What have I done with my life so far? Does anyone ever feel that they did with their one life on this earth what they came to do?

Nowadays, magazines and “experts” and talking heads encourage you to “follow your passion.” It’s a popular notion.  But I have always opposed that particular axiom. Some people do have an overwhelming passion, but many of us do not. And the folks who have an overwhelming passion know it. They may have set it aside due to the constraints of life, or they may not have found a way to turn it into their career, but they know what it is. So I don’t encourage you to spend too much time worrying about whether you have a passion and what it is. Instead, I encourage you to consider how you want to spend your time and how you want to focus your energy.

These are first-world problems, for sure. If you don’t have enough money, your focus is clear: provide a roof and food and take care of your family.

If you do have the luxury to think about how to spend your time, I invite you to think about animals. Toads and snails in particular.  When I was in graduate school, a professor suggested that we researchers could be divided into two categories: toads and snails. The professor announced that she was definitely a snail. She had found one thing that fascinated her and she had studied it in its various forms throughout her career. She made slow but study progress with one focus, in one direction.

I was – and still am – a toad. We toads hop from one thing to another. In research and in my clinical work, I am interested in the impact of trauma on people’s lives, and also in women’s career development. So my work has hopped from one thing to another for many years. At the moment, I am focusing on the importance of self-care, which allows me to hop back and forth between those two populations. That feels a little more snail-like, but that interest in self-care itself is still a jump away from where I have been working all these years.

Toads vs snails. Is one better than the other? I could argue that you can make a bigger impact if you are truly an expert in one area, and keep your focus on one thing over time. But in defense of toads, the ripples you create as you jump from one place to the next touch many folks individually. Who can measure that impact? Furthermore, we all know basic biology: if you are truly a toad, no amount of striving and dedication will turn you into a snail. And even if you could magically transform into that snail, you would be an unhappy, and likely unproductive one, and as a result, you would probably not make a great impact either.

The important thing is to know who you are, and to honor and accept that way of being in the world. So when you ask yourself what is my purpose or my focus, it may be clear to you snails out there. We hoppy toads perhaps need to see our purpose more broadly. It may not have one particular focus, or one clear straight line, but our journey as we meander from place to place has its own special impact. Your own way of being and exploring the world is what keeps you engaged and vital in the work you do. You have to be the animal – or person – you are.