semi-precious stones

There is this question of the speed with which things happen around the edges of your heart - and that’s my concern. To escape a predator, a lion, the deer runs faster than itself. It runs with a force greater than it has. That’s zoological fact: it produces surplus energy. It goes beyond its forces to live. And it survives the predator, but it doesn’t survive the effort. The lion has been left behind, but the deer dies. It survives, and dies from it. I believe that in order to escape death, we go through death.

I hope that in the future they invent a small golden light that follows you everywhere and when something is about to end, it shines brightly so you know it’s about to end. And if you’re never going to see someone again, it’ll shine brightly and both of you can be polite and say, “It was nice to have you in my life while I did, good luck with everything that happens after now.” And maybe if you’re never going to eat at the same restaurant again, it’ll shine and you can order everything off the menu you’ve never tried. Maybe, if someone’s about to buy your car, the light will shine and you can take it for one last spin. Maybe, if you’re with a group of friends who’ll never be together again, all your lights will shine at the same time and you’ll know, and then you can hold each other and whisper, “This was so good. Oh my God, this was so good.”

Lay in bed. Watch life happen from your window. Sleep with a pile of a magazines instead of a person because magazines can’t forget to call you back the next day. Hold your cell phone limply in your hand with your head in the pillows. Feel a combination of excitement and dread when somebody texts you. Leave me alone slash NEVER STOP. You know what I’m talking about. Become the unreliable friend. Let people know implicitly that they need to minimize their expectations to avoid being disappointed. You will do things when you want to do them. You will show up when you want to show up. You can’t handle any responsibility right now. Please respect the fact that you’re a terrible person right now. Show up to work in a zombielike state. Do the bare minimum of work so people don’t necessarily worry about you. They just think you’re lazy. Mimic healthy happy people. Maybe that will throw people off your true scent. Maybe if you attend a potluck and bring egg salad, people will write you off as someone who has their shit together. See things you’re not supposed to, like an ex’s Facebook page. An old diary. Wince at the photos, wince at the images, and decide that you would look at them again. Ignore those who know you best because those are the people who won’t let you get away with anything. Those are the people who will force you to be accountable and demand that you tell them what’s wrong with you. It gets harder and harder to disappear from your life. When you were a teenager, it was easy to check out from reality, but today is different. Today your life is formed; it has been built. When you decide to go, you are leaving behind a series of questions. You are leaving a mess that you will eventually have to clean up. But if you really want to disappear, you will find a way. People always do. You can’t make someone participate in a life they didn’t want to begin with. They have to do it for themselves. They have to want to fix their life rather than ruin it. And you know something? Not everybody wants to fix it. Not everybody wants to have redemption. Some people are just content to waste away. We’re taught differently. We’re taught that everybody wants the best life they could possibly have. But I’m here to tell you that that’s not true. I’m here to tell you that everybody doesn’t want or get their happy ending. You’d like them to because it makes things simpler for you, it puts your mind at ease. But you forget that all of this isn’t for you. It’s for them. TC Mark