finally, insane for the light

i forget

where are we, again?

alcohol is like.... great? wow and also wow, what it does for being able to eat!! you can eat and not hate yourself (in the moment)

you can sleep and not exercise and you don’t have to hate yourself (in the moment)

you can live and not hate yourself

you can speak and not condemn your own words

you can see and not doubt what you see except for vague, “huh, am I real, is this consciousness, what?? okay??”

goddammit it’s all so complicated that alcohol and meds can’t fix it

it’s also fucking exhausting feeling like you’re the only queer person in a very conservative, very WASP-y town. even when you just found out that the girl you used to carpool with in high school with is like, super gay, and that makes you so overwhelmingly happy and, i guess, relieved, that you can’t fall asleep, you’re just buzzing and elated, and then exhausted the next day at work, but still buzzing buzzing buzzing. 

but you miss your friends and you miss feeling like a known quantity. 

and you worry you’re drinking too much or sleeping too much. or both. 

and you're afraid of a future that doesn’t want to include you or your friends, the ones you miss. you’re afraid of living in the comments section. 

and you’re not afraid of being alone, you’re afraid of being lonely. and you’re afraid of turning into that cliche.