Summer Court Building

Azriel x Rhysand’s sister

He’s my mate - When you get poisoned by a mysterious poison and only happiness can save you, Azriel shows your brother his favorite moments with you.

We named someone else after you - After centuries of trying to get pregnant, you had lost hope when a miracle (or two) happens

You’re bleeding - Fae cycles are not for the weak. Lucky for you Azriel and Rhysand help you through it. However, their roles have changed throughout the years

YOU’RE MATES???- You and Azriel finally accepted the mating bond and surprise your family.

Mate stealers - After you lost your wings, you have been dealing with back pain. Lucky for you, both Azriel and his shadows are there to help.

All other lifetimes All lifetimes - You and Azriel have a bargain that you remind each other about at hard times.

Missing Mates - both you and Rhysand are missing your mates for different reasons, but talking about it always helps.

Paid time off - you and Azriel have a annual tradition of dancing on Starfall

Sleepy Mates - coming home after 50 years apart

Azriel x shadowsinger!reader

Shadowsingers are rare, but they still exist. You’re a hidden shadowsinger that lives in The Middle. You hunt in an organized community and are working towards paying your debts to the leader.

Azriel saw you on the battlefield against Hybern and has been thinking about you since.

What happens when your most sacred secret comes out and a war is on the horizon?

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15

1. The Shadows Comfort 2. The Shadows Date

3. The Shadows Eat 4. The Shadows Hurt

5. The Shadows Love 6.The Shadows Heal

7. The Shadows Mate

Azriel Appreciation Week 2024

Day 1: Cool Quiet

Day 2: Scared

Day 3: Belonging

Day 4: Paid Time Off

Day 5: No Need for Poetry

Day 6: Song of the Wind Part 2 Part 3

Day 7: Free

December Masterlist 2024

The Shadow to my Flame

Your Healing Wings

The Secrets of Winter

One shots

Pyjamas party - Azriel helps you when your illness makes it hard to attend Starfall

Masterlist

A bargain has kept you away from your mate for centuries. Will you finally be able to accept the bond?

(It's quite long, over 12k words...)

“What do you think?” I had to hold myself back from not grabbing Amren’s shoulders and shake the answer out of her. My entire body was trembling, both from exhaustion and stress. Amren’s answer would tell me if it was a good stress or a bad one.

“I don’t know,” Amren answered, clearly turning her mind to find all the knowledge she had on the topic. “It isn’t often the carrier of a blood bargain dies and come back to life.”

I tried to not shoot her an annoyed look. She had just given it all away. Everyone would know it was Rhys they were talking about. Who had been unknowingly keeping me away from me mate for all these centuries.

“What?” I heard the quiet question coming from my brother. I couldn’t decipher if it was fear or confusion tinting the sound of his voice. I also couldn’t turn to meet his gaze. All my focus was on Amren.

“Don’t look at me like that, it’s time he gets to know,” Amren said to her defence.

I hadn’t noticed him moving, but suddenly Azriel’s hand rested on my back. He wrapped his wing so that everyone else from our family, except Amren, were hidden from my view. He’d noticed my stress, my exhaustion. I tried to hold back shivers as his wing graced my arm. His touch was wanted more than anything. “But he did die, and her tattoo is gone,” Azriel spoke softly. It felt like he was doing his best not to get his hopes up. “Isn’t that a sign that the bargain has been broken?”

The tattoo that had sat almost like a collar around my neck for centuries was gone. It felt weird looking at myself, but at the same time it gave so much hope. The bargain tattoo was gone, the bargain had to be broken…right?

“This has never happened before,” Amren repeated. “There is no way of knowing for sure.”

I tried to keep my shoulder from sinking. However, it was impossible to prevent the pain in my heart. This had caused us so much heartache. So much pain and suffering we had to fight through each and every day. I suddenly felt foolish for thinking that it was over. That we should finally be free to love each other loudly.

I felt Azriel’s wing tighten around me. I heard him draw a sharp breath. He was breaking too, silently, hiding it much better than I was.

I turned my head and met his gaze. His magnificent hazel eyes were lined with tears, and the first sob escaped me. I expected it to be the first of many.

However, then Amren spoke.

“It always been your choice, and it will always be your choice,” she began, her voice and gaze softer than I had ever seen them. “You have waited centuries, this might be the only chance you have. This might be the closest you’ll come to know. Maybe it’s worth the risk.”

Amren stopped speaking and her eyes immediately found Varian. Amren had helps me with the research from the start. She had damned me a fool for getting into this situation, and a fool for setting love above all else, but she had helped. It warmed my heart that the female finally got to experience love for herself. I only hoped that I would too.

I remembered back to my apartment in Velaris. Where I had prepared all of Azriel’s favourite foods. If everything went wrong, if Hybern won, I would have winnowed us both to Velaris and I would have made sure to accept the bond. We would die either way, so I figured I might as well die accepting the bond. To finally accept my mate.

“I know what you have prepared,” Amren added softly, looking directly at me. “What you were planning to do, should it all go wrong.”

I still hadn’t decided, but I had understood making such a decision in front of our concerned friends and family probably wasn’t the best idea. I would need to talk to Azriel. We would need to agree. Even though it would be the hardest decision we’d ever make.

I turned around on my heal and grabbed Azriel’s hand. He lowered his wings and turned to stand beside me.

I looked directly into my little brother’s worried eyes. He looked that he was rethinking everything. He had understood something, that was for sure.

“We’ll explain everything,” I started, but then stopped myself. I shouldn’t sound this certain. “We’ll hopefully explain everything, or Amren will.”

I saw their mouths open but winnowed away before I could hear their demands for answers.

We landed in the middle of my kitchen, my knees instantly buckled. Winnowing directly after finishing a war was more than my body could handle.

Azriel’s arms instantly caught me. He used his foot to drag out a chair and helped me into it. Both of us stayed silent as he moved a chair and sat down before me. His gaze was at the food.

“I spent all of yesterday cooking,” I explained with a sad laugh. However, the second I started speaking, something inside me broke. “I can’t do this anymore. The uncertainty, the hope that breaks time and time again, it’s too much for me.”

Azriel’s hands cupped my face. Shadows swirled down his arms and into my hair.

“I say we do it,” he told me confidently. “Amren’s right. This is probably the closest we’ll get to an answer. I don’t think I can wait another second.”

His hands started trembling, and a shadow dried a tear from his eyes.

“If it fails, it’ll still be worth it. I’ll regret nothing. All these years, I’ve stood by your side and I’m proud of us and what we are. If this is the end, I’m not scared.”

I leaned deeper into his touch, unable to speak through the emotions building in my chest. I took a few deep breaths to collect myself, before I spoke.

“We’ve done the best out of the worst, and I’m honoured to have done it with you.” I carefully take his hands away from my face and into my own hands. My thumb tracing his biggest scars. “I still remember the day I first met you. How I felt sick in the head for crushing on a sixteen-year-old.”

I had just finished my last exam for the semester and the last exam for my degree. Spring was turning into summer in Velaris, and I was almost a little too excited about seeing my mother.

She lived in Windhaven together with my little brother and his two friends. I had never been one for fighting, so I couldn’t say I was jealous at them living in a war-camp, however I missed my mother.

While I spent most of my days at campus or out with friends, I still lived at the House of Wind with my father. My father always supported my decisions, but that was about it. My father was only my father, my mother was my best friend.

The flight to Windhaven was still familiar, even though I hadn’t been there in years. Mother and Rhys would come home for the holidays, and I hadn’t been able to take enough time off my studies to visit.

The flying felt freeing and comfortable, but the breaks I had to take told me I had to exercise more. Now that I had finished my degree, I hopefully would be able to.

I landed in the woods behind the house. Smoke was coming from the chimney. I felt my shoulders lower, remembering back to all the summers Mother and I used to spend together at the house. It symbolized a comforting and happy childhood.

I stood outside the door, suddenly unsure if I should knock or just walk in and say hallo. They knew I was coming.

However, I didn’t need to make the decision. Suddenly the door flew open, quick enough that I had to hold my hands up to stop it from hitting me.

“Y/N!” My little brother’s voice sounded behind the door. “Let me out!”

I laughed at how he already was annoyed at me. When we last met at Starfall, he had transitioned into a proper moody teen.

Not in the mood to annoy him further, I opened stepped back from the door and allowed him out. I think I expected a hug or at least a welcome, however he only grabbed my hand and pulled me into the house.

“We’re starving,” he muttered and he dragged me into the kitchen.

I tried my best not to start teasing him over his mood. I couldn’t recall being that moody myself when I was a teen, but I probably was. I just felt weird seeing my brother, who is still five in my head, being a moody teen.

Mother stood up from the dining table and immediately embraced me. I felt myself lean deep into her chest. I had spent the last couple of months writing and writing and writing. I was exhausted and my mother’s embrace felt comforting.

“Staaaaarving,” Rhys said once more and I had to laugh. Not at him, but at the way our mother, who was the most patient woman I had ever met, rolled her eyes and gave me a smile.

Mother turned to sit down at the table. Rhys and one other boy were already serving themselves with soup, while Mother and the last boy waited patiently. The boy who had already started eating looked stronger than my brother, he was probably taler too. He had a big bruise on his face, which made him look similar to all the other Illyrian boys his age.

The other boy was currently looking directly at me, his eyes wide with a beautiful hazel colour. He looked smaller, and kinder. Cute. He was absolutely adorable. He sat there, covered in shadows who seemed like they were more intrigued in me than anything else. They were pulling away from him, but he held them back.

He was Azriel, the shadowsinger. I had heard about him, however I hadn’t expected him to look so…

What the caldron am I thinking??? He’s sixteen.

I held back from slapping my own face. I had to be more delirious than I thought.

However, I wasn’t delirious. Because as Azriel grew, he got even more…hot. We still hadn’t talked much. He was 25 by the time we had our first proper conversation. And cauldron, he made me laugh like no other. He had moved into Velaris, while Rhys and Cass were still at the Illyrian camps, Azriel was a spy. And a very good one as well. But he was still young, so I kept my distance.

It had been the most ordinary day I could imagine. I woke up a little too late. Ended up winnowing instead of flying to be at work at time. I had done many different jobs throughout the years. But the last two I had been working at the library. Working with archiving perhaps wasn’t what people expected from the daughter of a High Lord, but I loved it.

The day went as usual, and during lunch we were gossiping about all the people we knew that were getting married.

“Y/n, haven’t your father found you a handsome prince?” one of my colleagues asked teasingly.

“Eee, nooooo. I’m not planning on marrying until I’m at least 50. Which means I have 15 years left.”

She looked back at me with confusion, but the topic soon changed. In hindsight, I should have known.

I had made sure to take all the opportunities I had the second I got them. Even though I trusted my father, I also knew he was under a lot of pressure. Marrying me away to another court would be a good way of getting deals with the other High Lords. My father knew I really didn’t want to, and he had respected that this far. I hoped he’d respect it forever. I was always afraid my freedom would be taken from me. I had spoken to enough high-fae females to know I had much more freedom than most of them ever had. I would not take it for granted.

That’s why I had travelled a little, studied to get a degree, learned how to use my powers and learned how to cook, dance and sew. I wanted all the opportunities.

After work, I flew back up to the House and started walking towards the dining room. My mother moved back in permanently after Rhys and the others passed the blood rite, and we’d have daily family dinners since. It was just the two of us most of the time, but father joined sometimes.  

This was one of the days where father would join, and he expected me to be on time. I was always running late, so this was a struggle.

On the way to the dining room, I walked past the smaller library and saw Azriel. I naturally stopped to say hello. He looked super concentrated and his shadows swirled restlessly around him. He looked as adorable was always. Just the sight of him took my breath away.

“Hello, Azriel,” I spoke softly. I for some reason felt scared to spook him, even though he’s shadows probably let him know I was there a long time ago. “I have to go to dinner, but I thought I should say hello…so yeah, hello, for the third time.”

A smile grew on his lips, but he didn’t look up at me until he had finish reading the sentence he was on.

He lifted his head and started speaking. I saw his lips move, but I didn’t hear him. I only heard:

Mate.

I felt my hands fall to my side and my jaw fall open. Holy shit.

Azriel’s smile fell and turned into confusion. His lips moved again, but I still didn’t hear anything.

Azriel was my mate. I had found my mate. Of course Azriel was my mate, it was the most natural thing in the world.

“Y/N…?”

My gaze snapped up again. Had I been looking at his lips? Of course I had, he was my mate.

Should I tell him? Did he know? He probably didn’t. Holy shit.

I distantly heard the clock chiming and realized I was late…again.

“I…I’m late for dinner!” I almost yelled as I ran towards the dining room, almost stepping on my dress and falling.

When did I turn back into a teenager???

However, I stopped a couple of meters from the door to the dining room. I looked around, making sure no one was watching, before I started jumping like crazy and letting out a quiet squeal.

AZRIEL IS MY MATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I then stopped, made sure I looked at least semi presentable, and walked into the dining room.

I stopped abruptly at the door when I saw my mother crying. My father looked gravely, but not sad or heartbroken the way my mother did.  

“No,” my mother spoke. “I refuse. You can’t do this.”

My ecstatic mood changed drastically. I rarely saw my mother cry. She always stayed strong for me and the boys.

My mother turned to me, and I saw the panic in her eyes.

“Leave, Y/n,” she almost snapped. It was so very unusual for her to speak to me like that. I didn’t think twice as I turned around to leave the room.

“No, Y/n,” my father’s icy voice sounded. “You’re staying.”

Cauldron, this was bad. Not only did my mother cry, but she was also telling me to go against my father’s orders. She had never ever done that before. At least not in front of me.

I stopped as I stood in the entrance, his voice was so cold, it was impossible to not do what he asked.

I slowly turned around once more.

“Is everything alright? Is Rhys okay?”

I figured something was wrong with Rhys. Mother wouldn’t cry in front of us unless she was absolutely heartbroken. We had talked about it multiple times. She had explained that picturing me or Rhys in pain was the worst thing she could ever imagine.

“Your brother is doing fine,” my father answered, but he sounded almost annoyed. “We have a lot to talk about, Y/n.”

“Me? What did I do?” I asked, looking directly at him. I suddenly felt like a child again. I always did when my father stood like this before me. I felt helpless and like everything I did was wrong. “I was only a couple of minutes late, that’s not that bad to be-”

“I have arranged a marriage for you,” my father interrupted me. However, as his words sunk, I realized quite quickly it wasn’t my father that spoke, it was the High Lord.

“W-What?” I thought back to the conversation at work earlier today. My colleagues had known, they had probably seen a record of it. Stupid, stupid, stupid. “No.”

My voice was quiet and almost breaking. A marriage? To whom?

I didn’t think as I sank down in one of the chairs. It was the craziest day of my life. How can such a normal day go so wrong.

And to think that I was dancing in happiness outside only seconds ago.

I heard some speaking and yelling but didn’t realize what was happening until the door to the dining room smashed closed. I was alone with my father.

He let out a big sigh and sat down in the chair across from me.

“As you know, Keir has been mad at us ever since Morrigan’s marriage with the Autumn boy didn’t work out,” he started explaining. He spoke quietly, almost softly, as if he didn’t really want to hurt me. I opened my mouth, ready to ask what the fuck that had to do with me, but he silenced me by lifting his hand. “Let me speak. Keir has threatened to end their alliance with us, and if we didn’t comply, he’d start a war. As I’m sure you understand, if they would have happened Velaris would have been in danger of being revealed. I couldn’t risk that, you understand that right?”

I only staired at him with my mouth open. It wasn’t a joke. He had actually arranged me a marriage.

“No, what the hell???” slipped out of me before I could speak.

“Stop being this emotional,” the High Lord continued and I stopped speaking. Not from respect, not anymore, but from total anger. I had never experienced such a feeling before. “My advisers suggested you were to marry a darkbringer potion-maker, and Keir was ecstatic. He immediately stopped his threatening.”

“Fuck no,” I almost spat and stood up. Starting to pace the room. “So, you just agreed? Tell me, High Lord, what. Did. You. Do?”

“It was the only solution.”

I almost barked out a laugh.

“The only solution? Are you joking me? I can think of ten other solutions right now. First, did you try telling him no???? You’re the High Lord for fucks sake, you shouldn’t let him dictate you like this.”

“I did it to protect Velaris-”

“Ah, no. Absoluetly not. You did it because you’re a scared coward that didn’t dare to speak against your stupid cousin!” I almost yelled in frustration. “I’m not marrying some random potion-maker, you can forget it.”

“I wasn’t asking, Y/n.” He still spoke just as softly, but it still felt like a punch to the stomach. He wasn’t asking. He had already chosen it. Chosen everything. “I’ve been patient with you. You have gotten many years to explore and be indepented-“

“YOU MARRIED AT 900 YEARS!!!” I threw my arms out in frustration. “I’m 35, that’s nothing!”

“Lower your voice, I’m trying to have a conversation. You’re a female, Y/n. A female being unmarried at 35 is unheard of. Definitely as a High Lord’s daughter.”

“I’m the only daughter of a High Lord! There hasn’t been another daughter in centuries!”

“And therefore, we need to thread carefully not to be looked upon as weak. I’m glad you understand.”

“UNDERSTAND?” His icy gaze made me draw a sharp breath. Time to calm down. Calm down, Y/n, you can do it. “I do not understand, and I will not understand. I am not going to marry this male, that’s out of the question. It doesn’t matter anyway, because I have found my mate and I will marry him.”

I left out the part that my mate didn’t know of the mating bond, or at least he didn’t know that I knew. I didn’t bother telling my father the whole truth, because this was my only way out. He refused to hear me out.

“A mate?” he repeated. The only sign of shook he wore was the way his eyes widened slightly. “Who?”

“Azriel,” I answered without thinking. Then, a small smile grew on my face. Azriel was my mate. Beautiful, kind, amazing Azriel was my mate. It felt so good to say aloud. My mate. I didn’t let myself fall into the thoughts that Azriel might not want me, I didn’t let myself. He’d had to want me for this plan to work. “Azriel is my mate, and I intent on accepting the bond.”

I was expecting a “congratulation”, a couple of questions asking how Azriel was treating me, and maybe a hug.

“That’s a pitty,” my father replied and I gave him a confused look. “I have enjoyed the help of a shadowsinger.”

“What are you talking about?” I asked, and tried to conceal my confusion.

“You can’t have a mate when you’re marrying another male,” he told me as if it was the most obvious thing ever. “We’ll have to kill him.”

I didn’t even think as I moved to cover the door. As if the High Lord was going to kill his spy himself.

“You don’t lay a hand on him,” I told him. My voice sounded foreign, I was so furious. “You don’t hurt him.”

“Y/n, if you could just-” he started to speak as he stood up.

“If you come a step closer,” I started, unsure where I would go with the sentence. “I…I’ll hurt you.”

I watch him let out a sigh as he rubbed his forehead. He was disappointed, that was clear.

“I’m a daemati, sweetheart, the guards are already on their way.”

“NO!”

I turned to run out the door, but he grabbed me. He held me around my waist as I kicked and screamed.

I dug deep into myself and towards my own daemati-powers. Using them, and the newly formed mating bond, I reached out to Azriel’s mind.

His shields were solid, but I had yet to find a shield I couldn’t get through. I pushed through, knowing it probably hurt him, but I was too scared to think.

“You need to run, please! Run!”

I was about to explain more, when I felt a punch to my head. It almost felt like I fell out of Azriel’s mind, as my father’s grip around me disappeared and I collapsed on the ground. A punch. My father had just punched me.

What was going on with this day? Was it all just hallucination?

“Promise you’ll never be with him, promise you’ll never have a romantic relationship with him, and I’ll let him live.”

I didn’t allow myself to hesitate.

“I promise,” I answered.

“Promise you’ll never end your marriage,” he continued.

“I promise,” I sobbed back.

I realized too late that it wasn’t just an ordinary bargain the High Lord proposed. It was a blood bargain. I didn’t react other than curling myself into a ball, and started sobbing, as my father painted my forehead with blood. The blood from the punch to my head, mixed with his own blood made the bargain eternal. It made it a bargain that would travel through direct relatives. When my father died, the bargain would keep on living through Rhys, and when Rhys died, his children would be the carrier. Only if Rhys died without a child would the bargain be broken.

I didn’t want to imagine a world where Rhys were dead, while Az and I kept on living.

I distantly heard my father step out of the dining room, while I stayed on the ground, sobbing louder than I thought possible. I had maybe saved Azriel, but I had doomed us both. Forever.

The second his lips were against mine, the anger grew so extreme I managed to break into the High Lord’s mental shields.

I had spent the entire ceremony trying, but I was too overwhelmed to manage to use my powers to their full advantage.

I had never wanted a big wedding. Never. Ever since I was a child, love had seemed the most powerful when sacred. I had never understood the plays where the characters screamed from the rooftops. But I had loved the lovers in the background, giving each other small, comforting looks.

I therefore didn’t bother voicing my wishes after the High Lord decided the wedding was to be in front of the whole of Prythian. He had chosen and paid for the location, and my husband to be had chosen my wedding dress. It was white…do I have to say more?

I had been gaslighting myself for the last two weeks from I got to learn about the wedding. I was happy about it. I was happy about the wedding. I had saved Azriel, and that made it all worth it. I had saved my mate.

Marrying someone else also meant I was formally off the marked, which meant Azriel wouldn’t want me. Or, at least I hoped so. I had made the choice for both of us. I had made the choice that we were never to be together. I would do anything to make sure he didn’t resent me for it. At the same time, the marriage to someone else made it easier for him to not want me, hopefully.

I therefore never told him about the mating bond. I stood in front of him, Rhys and Cass and told them I was happy about the marriage.

I lied straight to their faces, of course, but it was worth it. I told myself it was worth it.

My husband’s name was Hemlock Reed. I met him for the first time thirty minutes ago, and now his disgusting lips were against mine. His were chapped, while mine wore multiple layers of lip gloss, per his request.

He smelled like alcohol and dirt, but looked somewhat presentable.

But he wasn’t Azriel.

He would never be Azriel.

Which is why the extreme anger hidden inside me grew even more. I had hidden it quite well, people thought the tears that fell from my eyes were from happiness and not anger and heartbreak.

The second my powers made their way through the High Lord’s mental shields, I saw him wincing in the side of my eye.

And while my new husband’s lips tasted mine, I spoke into my former father’s head:

“I’ll never forgive you for this.”

“I can’t believe I didn’t realize that’s when the mating bond snapped for you,” Azriel announced. His hands were still cradling my face as we talked through memory after memory.

“I was so angry when it happened for you, I had no idea,” I responded, leaning deeper into his comforting touch.

“I think that’s the only time you have sworn at me,” Azriel mentioned with a laugh.

The first years went fine. Hemlock forced me to cut all contact with my family, but I had expected that, and decided to turn off my feelings. I got a week of beginner luck, and then the whole society started to hate me. I wore too cheap clothes or too expensive ones, I spoke too much or too little, I smiled too much or too little. I could do nothing right.

Which is why, after five years, I still had no friends. Zero. I attended daily balls, made food for all the males that were coming to speak to Hemlock, and I had tea with the wives. At the end of each day, I wrote down lists over what to improve.

The list turned into an entire notebook and then two, and I eventually gave up.

Until some of the others got a new wife what hadn’t grown up in the society, I would be the victim. And it was rare for that to happen.

Which is also the reason why I had nowhere to go when my husband came home drunk and decided to use me as a punching bag.

The war was just starting, and he was under a lot more stress than usual. He came home and asked me to “Get the fuck out”. However, I had nowhere to go. I opted to hide in our library, but when he found me there. He wasn’t happy.

I fell asleep that evening, curled into a ball on the floor.

I thought back to last time that happened. Only once before had someone hurt me intentionally.

I felt the intense anger grow in my chest once more. It had become a familiar feeling by now.

I welcomed it. I’d rather be angry than feel nothing. I’d rather scream and punch and destroy things than be unable to get out of bed.

I had put myself in this situation by trusting that my father had my best interests in mind. I was proved wrong time and time again.

Which is why I glamoured myself and winnowed straight to Velaris for the first time in five years.

Hemlock didn’t know about the city, so he’d never allow me to go. If we were meeting my family, it would either be in Hewn or at the Moonstone Palace.

Later I regretted not taking some time looking at the city I loved the most. I regretted not walking the Rainbow, as Rhys and I called it, and not eating some food.

However, I was blinded by the rage. I winnowed to right above the House, stretched out my wings for the first time in forever, and used them to land safely. Hemlock didn’t like my wings, he never had. Everything he saw them, his mood got worse. Which is why I hid them almost all the time. I hadn’t flown other than small distanced in five years. It was painful to use them now.

But the pain was better than nothing.

I felt like the world champion in speedwalking as I made my way to the High Lord’s office. Guards stood outside the door, but they didn’t bother stopping me as I rushed past them and threw the door open.

The High Lord’s eyes widened, and the other person in the room turned to look at me. I didn’t look back.

“Out,” I spat as I pointed at the door. I still only looked at the High Lord. He looked almost scared to see me.

“Y/n-”

“GET THE FUCK OUT,” I yelled, and looked at the male this time. It was like a bucket of cold water hit me. It was Azriel. His concerned hazel eyes looked deep into mine, visibly asking if I was okay. His shadows swirled anxiously. It was like they knew the pain I was feeling. Like they knew my clothes were ripped under the glamour. That it was visible how my eyes were swollen, from both tears and the punches.

And I just wanted to break down into his arms. I wanted to sob and beg. I had imagined what it would be like to be held by him. Every time Hemlock held me, I imagined it was Azriel. I imagined his wings, arms and shadows around me. I sometimes wrapped my own wings around me, pretending it was Azriel’s.

It took all the anger in me to not break at the sight of him. At the sight of his worry.

“Please leave, Azriel,” I spoke softer this time. “I need to speak to the High Lord. It will only take a minute or two.”

Azriel didn’t seem any less worried as he left the room. I turned to close the door behind him.

“Y/n, what do you think you’re-”

The High Lord stopped speaking the second I turned around. My ripped and bloodied clothes was the first that met him. My glamour was gone. My arms were full of smaller cuts, I had one bigger one on my stomach. My face had multiple bruises, and my left eyes was almost closed from the swelling.

“I’m here to show you that you married me off to a horrible male. A male that told me to get the fuck out, knowing I had nowhere to go, only to be mad when I didn’t.”

I started pacing the room.

“He’s been lacing my food with faebane, did you know? Because he wanted to see if he could stop me from having my wings out. He only stopped when he realized the faebane made it impossible for me to use my powers to hide my wings. He’s stupid.”

The High Lord started speaking, but I didn’t let him.

“I live a life of constant bullying. I can’t do anything right. I have no one on my side. They all expect me to have been raised to Hewn City standard when it comes to the Society. I didn’t lean any of it, I’ll have you know. Not a single thing.”

I stopped, only to step closer to him. He looked at me as if I was mad. I probably was.

“I hope you’re happy. I hope you realized your cowardness ruined my life. And I hope you know that the day I chose to kill myself, it will be your fault!”

I didn’t bother waiting for his belittling response before I turned to walk out. I had to get back before Hemlock realized I was gone. I glamoured myself again as I opened the door.

I forced myself to walk right by Azriel on the way out. I heard him say my name, but I couldn’t stop. I wouldn’t be able to keep myself together if I looked into his eyes once more.

I couldn’t allow myself to show him how unhappy I truly was. If he liked me back, which I didn’t know for sure he did, but thought he did, I couldn’t cause him more pain than I already had.

Which is also why my last threat to the High Lord wasn’t a real one. I would never kill myself. I wouldn’t make Azriel go through the pain of losing a mate. I’d already forced him to lose me in one way, I wouldn’t cause him more pain.

I did it all for my mate, hoping it would be worth it one day, expect I knew that was impossible.

I didn’t allow myself to hesitate or to cry. The ball had just started when the news arrived.

The High Lord and his mate are dead.

Suddenly, everyone was looking at me. Suddenly, they didn’t see me as someone to bully, but their eyes were filled with pity.

All the important people, including Hemlock, were rushing to have a meeting. He told me to go home, but I refused.

Rhys.

I tried to reach out to my little brother, to the new High Lord, but my powers were weakened. Hemlock and his soldiers were testing out a new potion for stopping magical powers, and he figured I wouldn’t mind trying it.

Which is also why I miserable failed at winnowing. Cauldron, I was exhausted.

I was prepared to fly all the way to Velaris, but I quickly realized I didn’t need to.

Cool and comforting shadows swirled around me, and one second I was in the ball room, the next we were in free fall above the House. I was about to scream, realizing my dress prevented my wings to stretch out, when Azriel’s arms tightened around my waist.

If I hadn’t been as filled with worry, confusion and grief, I would have savoured the moment. I had dreamt of his arms around me for what felt like all my life.

The second our feet hit the ground, I ran. Ran to my brother who was on the floor, hyperventilating.

I fell to my knees before him, crushing him into my arms.

“It’s okay,” I whispered, brushing my fingers through his hair. “It’s gonna be okay. Breathe Rhys, I need you to breathe for me.”

He only started to sob louder. It was heartbreaking. He was heaping for breaths and eventually threw up.

“Shhh,” I tried my best to calm him down. I took deep audible breaths and hoped he would manage to join me. If not, he would pass out soon. “It’s going to be okay.”

Rhys buried himself deeper into my embrace and eventually managed to control his breath. I don’t know how long we stayed there. I eventually looked around to see Az and Cass crying as well. They’d lost their mother too, in a way.

“Come here,” I whispered to them, and opened my arms.

They hesitated but eventually joined us on the floor. It was one big embrace. And we all stayed there as long as we needed to. I held all of them, knowing they needed someone to comfort them now.

Eventually, Rhys was the first to leave. He apologized and went to his bedroom. He was overwhelmed. He had lost both parents and suddenly become High Lord. He wasn’t even 200. He was younger than we’d all liked him to be when the title got passed down to him.

“I’ll check on him,” Cassian suddenly spoke. He dried some more of his tears as he left.

I was alone with Azriel. For the first time in over 150 years.

I had kept my eyes dry until now. I had shut my feelings off, just as I had taught myself. Azriel’s gaze broke me.

His eyes were red from crying, but they still looked directly at me, filled with worry. He worried about me. He hesitated, but he wanted to comfort me.

“I’m okay,” I whispered to him.

“No,” he stated. “You’re not.”

One second, he sat beside me, and the next his arms, wings and shadows held me in a tight embrace. An embrace I had been dreaming of forever.

“No, I’m not,” I sobbed into his chest.

“What an honour for you to grace us with your presence, High Lord,” I heard Hemlock say and I almost dropped the dinner on the floor.

“What the hell are you doing here?” I used my powers to easily get through his mental shields.

“Can’t I just visit my sister for no special reason?”

I sat down the dinner and slowly walked into the hallway. What was he doing here? By the icy look Hemlock sent my way, I realized he probably thought I knew Rhys was coming.

“Brother,” I spoke kindly. “What a pleasant surprise.”

However, it wasn’t only Rhys. A couple of steps behind my little brother stood Cass and Az. They looked as deadly as always.

“Sweetheart, why don’t you prepare some more food for our guests while I entertain them,” Hemlock pretended to ask. However, we all knew it was a command. His annoyed gaze hit me, and I didn’t bother protest.

This was one of my worst fears. For my brother, for Azriel, to see me like this. Like the good little wife I had become.

“Of course, dear,” I answered with a fake smile.

I felt too ashamed to look into my brother’s eyes again. I just walked straight back into the kitchen. I felt Rhys’ touch on my mental shields, but I didn’t let him in.

I had already spent two hours in the kitchen, because Hemlock wanted this specific dish I had never made before. I had also only made two portions, because we were only supposed to be two.

I spent some time cutting vegetables into really small pieces, so that they’d cook quicker. I suspected I had about thirty minutes before Hemlock demanded dinner.

He ended up only giving me twenty minutes to prepare something new for our guests. I watched them from the kitchen door as they sat down and started to eat. Or at least I thought they started to eat.

When I finished the plain vegetable soup a couple of minutes later, I noticed how only Hemlock was eating. Rhys, Cass and Az sat patiently and waited for me to join.

I used my powers to reach into all three of their minds.

“Thank you,” I told them gratefully as I sat down at the table in between Hemlock and Azriel.

I looked around and noticed how all the food I had spent two hours making were already distributed on the plates of the males. There was no left for me. It was obvious how Hemlock had plated the food for the others. I had to admit, it hurt, but I didn’t let it get to me. I was used to it by now. I wasn’t a rare occurrence that I ended up with only some bread for dinner, because Hemlock and all his unexpected guests had eaten all the food.

I reached for my plate and was about to serve myself some soup, when Azriel stopped me, not by word, but by action. He carefully took my plate and exchange it with his own. Giving me his part of the much better dinner. He then gave himself soup.

He had started eating before Hemlock could protest.

I small smile grew on my face, but I did my best to hide it. We had maybe only had a couple of conversations, and a few shared hugs, but I loved Azriel. I would always love Azriel. And he proved why, again and again.

“You’re sure you want to stay here, Y/n?” Rhys asked into my mind.

And then the moment was over. My smile fell and the heavy feeling of anger and disappointment filled me. Of course I didn’t want to stay. Of course I’d rather go home. But I couldn’t.

“Yes,” I answered, but even my mental voice was shaking. “I have gotten used to this life now, I’d like to stay here for now.”

Rhys didn’t look convinced, but he didn’t pry. He allowed me to make what he thought was my own choice.

“You know, I was seconds away from flying back to Hewn that evening and take you home. I didn’t believe you for one second.”

“I know you didn’t,” I replied truthfully.

“I did actually dance and fly around in happiness when Hemlock died,” Azriel remembered hesitantly.  

 I didn’t really remember how I ended up at the House. I must have winnowed? Or flown? My wings were basically useless at this point, but maybe the adrenaline made them work.

I sat in down in a couch. It was new, I had never seen it before. I leaned back for what felt like the first time in forever. I made my body relax.

He was dead. He had actually died.

I hated myself for thinking “finally”.

Hemlock died as he tried to invent a new drug and was honoured like a god. I was a widow. That’s what you become when your husband die. You become a widow.

But widows were supposed to be sad. I wasn’t sad.

I wasn’t happy either.

Relieved, maybe?

I looked down on my black dress. Black was the only thing I had worn the last week. I was expected to only wear black for the rest of the decade. That was Hewn Society rules. I didn’t really mind black, but now that I was forced to wear it, it felt suffocating.

I remembered how the females in the Society had walked into my house and removed all clothes with even a hint of colour. They had stripped the place of personality.

Because Hemlock was dead, and he was to be respected and honoured like a god. He was to-

“Y/n?” My gaze snapped up to meet the eyes of my brother who looked at me from the entrace to the living room. It looked like he was only planning on walking past the room, but stopped when he saw me. He was surprised, which made sense since I had suddenly showed up without warning. That had only happened once before, and he was fighting in the war then. “What are you doing here? Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” I answered distantly. I had begun to sone out on the wall behind him. “Didn’t you get my letter?”

He suddenly crunched down before me, which startled me since I hadn’t noticed him moving. Carefully, he laid his hand on my knee. I was still too deep in my thoughts to look at him.

“No, I didn’t get any letter,” he explained.

“Oh…I must have sent it to the Moonstone Palace by mistake,” I thought aloud. “Yeah, that must be it.”

“Y/n, can you tell me what you wrote in the letter?” Rhys asked very patiently. It was like he was speaking to a child. 

“He’s dead,” was my only answer. I both felt and saw Rhys straighten beside me. “I-I invited you to the funeral.”

He’s dead. He’s dead. He’s dead.

Hemlock’s dead, and there is no longer anything keeping me from having to see Azriel every day. There is no longer something keeping us apart, except for the invisible bargain that I thought about all day every day. The bargain I agreed too and destroyed my life in the process. I wasn’t stupid, I noticed how Azriel was looking at me. And I knew countless stories from male mates, who didn’t get to be with their mates. How they freaked out and felt their life was torture.

I was torturing my mate.

I’m the worst fae to have ever lived. I started sobbing

“No, you’re not! What makes you say that?” Rhys exclaimed, and I realized I had spoken aloud. Rhys moved to sit in the couch beside me. He grabbed my arms tightly before he whispered: “Y/n…did you kill him?”

“No!” I answered with a crying laugh. Remembering how the blood bargain also made me promise not to end the marriage, and while I didn’t know if killing Hemlock would count as “ending” the marriage, I didn’t want to test it. “He died making some sort of potion that turned out to be highly poisonous.”

“Then you’re definitely not the worst fae alive,” Rhys spoke again, now brushing through my hair to sooth me. “Come on, let’s get some food and talk.”

Rhys had to basically lift me up on my feet. He held one arm around my waist and helped me all the way to the kitchen.

On the way, we passed both Mor, Cass and Azriel. Azriel.

I started sobbing once more.

I’m the worst. I’m the worst. I’m the worst.

“Just talk to me,” he almost yelled. Azriel almost yelled. We stood on the balcony of the House, and I was on my way back into the library. Azriel never yelled. At least not at me. “You keep saying you can’t. If I ask, you never say “no”. You never decline! You say you’re sorry and that you can’t. Why? What is it that makes me so awful to you.”

Ice fell down my spine. No, no, no. Please no.

“Awful??” I asked, and I was already crying. “I don’t think you’re awful. You’ve never been awful.”

“Then why?” he asked with tears in his own eyes. His hands were shaking and he looked exasperated. “You care for me. You laugh with me. You smile the second I enter a room. You know my favourite treats, my favourite food and books. You know when I’m feeling sad and you make it all better with just one look. Your smile makes my entire life worth living. And you love me back, and you want me. You fucking moaned my name, Y/n. The shadows hear it. They hear it and they tell me. They beg for me to be with you. They beg for you to give our bond a chance! Please. What do I need to do?”

“Please, Az,” I spoke with a shaky voice. I didn’t know I had been that bad at hiding my feelings. “It’s nothing you can do, you’re perfect. You’re the most amazing mate I could ever ask for. But-”

“But why? Please, Y/n, please just tell me what’s going on. I’m going crazy.”

“I can’t,” I sink down to the ground, my head in my hands. “I can’t”

He fell down to his knees before me. His hands grabbed my arms and tore them from my face.

“I’m begging you, Y/n, I’m begging you for a chance. Please let me. Please let us try. I know you want it. You try to hide it, but I know you. Please-”

He stopped speaking the second my powers touched his mental shield. I couldn’t do it anymore. It had been a decade of living in the same house. Of seeing each other every single day. A decade of wanting to kiss him, and touching him, make him laugh and make him smile. A decade of knowing I’d never be able to do those things, not in the way I wished for.

I would show him, and then I would leave.

I’d leave to the continent and create a new life for myself.

I’d not be able to live in Velaris knowing how mad Azriel would be. I’d destroyed everything. I was the worst mate, and he deserved so much better. He’d be angry and I’m not sure I’d ever be able to look him in the eyes again. I was torturing him.

He opened his shields, welcoming me home.

I took a shaky breath and showed him everything. I showed him how the bond snapped, and how I went straight into what would become the worst moment of my life. I showed him the total fear when I realized the High Lord wanted to kill him. I showed him how I got punched and agreed to the blood bargain. The bargain that made it impossible for me to ever be with Azriel romantically.

However, I also showed him how my heart danced every time I saw him. How I didn’t feel calm when he wasn’t near. How he was the one I wanted every time my husband had touched me.

Azriel hugged me, tightly.

None of us spoke.

We sat on the floor of the balcony, his arms almost suffocating me, but it was a good kind of suffocation.

He held me and breathed. Tightened the embrace and breathed even deeper.

“Please, say something,” I spoke quietly.

He let out a rough breath. I first then noticed how his breaths had turned shaky. How his shadows seemed to cover us more than usual.

I carefully looked up from the embrace. I expected to see him mad, almost furious. However, I should have known. He wasn’t mad at all, he was heartbroken.

His eyes were distant. He was in deep thought. And tears fell from his eyes and down onto my face.

“I’m sorr-”

“You don’t dare apologize, Y/n,” he interrupted me. Azriel had always had this specific way of saying my name. It had always sounded softer from his lips than from anyone else. However, now he was stern. “Who knows about this?”

“No one,” I answered, unable to hide the shame in my voice. “No one knows.”

 “You should have told me, Y/n,” he spoke once more.

“I’m so-”

“Stop that,” he interrupted me once more. “I’m not mad. Not at you. I-I down know what I’m feeling right now.” I met his gaze and my heart fell deep into my stomach as he let go of me. He moved his arms from around my waist, to my arms as he help me up on my feet. He then stepped back, and even though it was only half a step, it felt like we were a millennium apart. “I need to think.”

He gave me a small nod and turned to walk away.

Never in my life had I felt such loneliness.

“What are you doing?” Azriel spoke from behind me. I don’t know how, but I did know he had entered my room. I also knew the shadows that followed me seemed almost angry. Azriel said they were looking out for me without his command, but I sometimes liked to think he found comfort in them clinging to me. I certainly loved having the shadows close. A part of him, when I couldn’t have the rest.

“I’m packing,” I answered without looking at him. It had been a week since the incident on the balcony. A week where meeting Azriel’s eyes had been too hard for me.

I had hurt him. I didn’t deserve to look in his eyes.

“For what?”

“A trip.”

“A trip where?”

I threw the t-shirt I was holding down on the pile of clothes in front of me. I spun around on my heals and looked at my mate for the first time in a week.

“To the continent,” I replied. He was nervous, no, worried. Azriel stood with his back straight, his wings tight and his lips tighter. His shadows were swirling around, noticing all the clothes and belongings I was looking at. His eyes sometimes followed the shadows, sometimes looked other places in the room. But he didn’t look at me.

“Why?”

“Azriel,” I answered with a sigh. Not an annoyed one, but an exhausted one. “I can’t do this anymore. It’s too hard. I want you, I want you so badly. I…It’s too much for me seeing you all the time knowing I could never be yours.”

“You’re not leaving,” he answered. “Not right now.”

“Az-”

“No, please, just listen. I understand, I really do. But I need you to stay here. Please.”

“What’s going on?” I asked, worry laced my voice. He was almost begging, it worried me. I felt the need to hold him, not that it was a new need. I hated seeing him like that and I would do anything to make him feel better.

“I just found out, after 250 years, that my mate doesn’t hate me. That you want me just as badly as I want you. And I know we can’t…But I also know we’re in this together. A-and it might be stupid and weird and possessive, but I want you here. I need you here. Please. I need you to stay.”

His entire posture and expression showed signs of despair. It felt like me leaving was the end of the world. Maybe it was…

“Okay,” I answered softly. His eyes widened a little, as if he expected to have to beg me more to stay. I gave him a small smile, but if was filled with all kinds of emotions. “Of course I’ll stay.”

He just stood and looked at me for a while, before he gave me a firm nod. He then opened his mouth, as if he wanted to say something, but quickly closed it again. He shook his head and left the room.

Azriel needed me close, and then I wouldn’t hesitate to stay close.

We’d figure it out. I wasn’t alone with it anymore.

“Still nothing?” he asked almost the second I walked into the library.

I just shook my head and sat the wine bottle down on the table, together with two glasses.

It had become our thing. Once a year, on the 9th of June, we would meet in the library after everybody had gone to sleep, and we would talk. Talk about everything that happened the past year. All the hopes and dreams we had. Everything we wanted to share with each other and no one else. The wine helped to stop the crying.

We’d keep apart for the rest of the year. We’d still meet when our entire family was gathering, but never just the two of us.

We tried, and it had been nice for about a year. Eventually we realized that being just friends wasn’t possible for us.

“I’ve looked through the library twice, and so has Amren,” I said with a sigh as I sat down in the couch next to him. It felt nice, but unusual to sit so close to him. “The only way to break the bargain is if Rhys dies. I’m then the closest relative, so I’d be the carrier, but since the bargain is between me and the previous High Lord, it would cancel out.”

“What about Keir? He’s a relative too.”

“From what Amren has found out, Keir’s blood is too unlike Rhys’, and it therefore won’t go to him. But there’s not much research, so it’s impossible to know for sure,” I took a deep breath before I continued. “I’m going back to Day this weekend to do some research for the archive. They’ll hopefully have some more information for us.”

I stopped talking, and Azriel didn’t say anything. The sound of me opening the wine bottle and pouring it filled the silence. It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence, but it wasn’t comfortable either. We had too much unspoken for it to be comfortable.

“I hate this,” I said to start the conversation. It was always that way we started the conversation. “I just want to be yours.”

“Come here,” he said and made more room for me on the couch. “We’ll make the most out of our night.”

And we did. We spoke until the night turned into day. Until our eyes were too tired to keep open. Until our hearts felt a little lighter. Until we realized we had to end it, and that made our heart heavier once more, knowing that it was a year until next time.

“It’s going to be worth it,” Azriel whispered into my ear as we hugged goodbye.

Shivers went down my back, both from having him so close, but also from what he was saying. It was going to be worth it. We would be able to have each other eventually.

“No,” Azriel interrupted Rhys, and made all of us look in his direction.

Rhys’ answer was to raise his eyebrows, which told Azriel to keep talking. We were all standing around a table, planning the strategy for the ball and meeting in Hewn tomorrow.

“The most helpful plan would be to make Y/n flirt with him,” Azriel explained, and I was sure I was the only one able to see how furious he was. “However, she’s obviously not comfortable with it, so we need another strategy.”

The second he spoke my shoulders relaxed for the first time since the meeting started. Of course I didn’t want to flirt with the male, but it did seem like the most effective way to get the information we needed. So I had agreed when my brother asked me to do it, even though it almost made me nauseous just to think about it.

I didn’t want to have my hands on anyone, I didn’t want to flatter anyone, or dance with anyone. Except for the one male I couldn’t have.

I could have done it for the cause, but Azriel was correct that I didn’t feel comfortable with it. I also really didn’t like the thought of having to flirt in front of everyone I used to know in Hewn. They already hated me, I didn’t want to make it worse. I still felt belittled by the look in their faces every time I saw them.

However, I didn’t know Azriel realized all of that. He knew me better than I thought.

“I do not think we need someone flirting with him,” Azriel continued. He hadn’t even looked at me since he started speaking, he only looked at Rhys. “I think if you, as the High Lord, can complement his combat skill and he’ll be just as happy. Y/n can stay home, and have a good night rest, before she starts comparing the information we get with the records in the library.”

When he finished speaking and looked over at me, I gave him a grateful smile. He showed no visible reaction, but a shadow coiled around my ankle and stayed there for the rest of the meeting.  

I woke from the pain and a groan left me. Cauldron, this is the worst my cycle has ever been. I felt my feverish mind be dizzy even before I opened my eyes.

My entire body was almost vibrating from the pain, and I was seconds from tearing up. I was unbearable.

Even though it hurt like hell, I still forced myself to open my eyes, because I was definitely not sleeping in a bed.

While my body was mostly laying on a soft surface, my head wasn’t on a pillow. It was placed on something hard, and some soft fingers were brushing through my hair, almost massaging my scalp.

“You sure you don’t want me to change place with you?” I distantly heard my brother ask, and I decided to stay still and listen. “It has been two hours.”

I forced myself to not freak out the second I realized exactly who I was laying on, and who was currently massaging my scalp in just the right spot. I almost whined when he stopped his hand movement.

“I’m okay,” my mate answered. “She said she didn’t sleep well tonight, so I don’t want to wake her.”

I could almost imagine how my brother nodded with a slightly worried look. He was worried because I was in pain.

“Okay, but let me know if you need anything.”

“I will,” Azriel answered, and finally continued massaging my scalp. I heard how my brother left the room. “Do you need anything?”

Of course, he already knew that I was awake.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, feeling too weak to raise my voice. Even as I whispered my voice shook from the pain. “I didn’t realize I fell asleep.”

I felt him tighten his hold around me.

“Don’t apologize,” he answered almost immediately. “You know how much this means, to both of us.”

His words made me cry. I had been a while since I cried from the fact that we couldn’t be together, but now it broke me. I wish I could seek him out and make him hold me every time I was in pain or feeling badly, not only when it happened by accident.

“Shhh,” he tried to calm me down and I felt shadows dry my tears. It didn’t help much, because a cramp made me sit up and lean over in pain. I tried to move to find a position where the pain was manageable.

“Ow, ow, ow,” I spoke as I tried to control my breathing.

“I’m sorry that I didn’t know your cycles were this bad,” Azriel sounded almost guilty as he spoke. “I should have helped you more these years.”

He started rubbing my back, and his movement made it easier for me to control my breathing.

“There is no way you could have known,” I told him in a hope to make him feel less guilty. “And this is the worst it had ever been.” A chill moved through me, and Azriel immediately reacted by helping me into the biggest blanket we had. “It’s manageable, for the most part.”

However, I felt his emotions in my chest and knew that even though my words made him feel less guilty, they only made the amount of longing grow.

I ended up sleeping with my head in his lap in the middle of the living room for the entire night. And even though I was experiencing worse pain than ever before when I was awake, it was the best sleep I had ever gotten.

“We need to give the people some information and that rather quickly,” I spoke, and looked at Cass, Mor and Azriel in front of me. “We don’t know how long this is going to last, but I would guess thinking it’s going to be long-term is the best plan. Cass, you have to go and ask all the landowners to plant as much food as possible. Bring people you think can help. Mor, can you go to the shelter and ask how must is that is only visiting and that needs places to stay and food? Cass can help you when he’s done with his task. Amren is already doing research on the shield around Velaris. Azriel, can you go to the townhouse and make sure it’s filled with enough chairs and seats for all the people coming to ask questions in the coming weeks? I will start writing the letters, explaining to everyone what the strategi will be and what we need from them. The first questioning will start at 10 am tomorrow and I think it would be best if we all were there.”

Cassian and Mor agreed and left without another word. Which left me alone with Azriel. Being alone with him always broke down my wall of hidden emotions. I only took one look from his concerned eyes for my hands to start shaking and my chest to feel tighter.

“You’re doing great,” he told me, but didn’t come any closer. Only his shadows did. They swirled and settled down around my hands and arms, making them stop shaking. “The people trust you, they’ll listen and help with what we need.”

“I’m not worried about the people,” I say with a shaky sigh. Tears pressed at the back of my eyes, but I refused to let them out. I knew that if I did, I wouldn’t be able to stop. I needed to be strong, both for my family, but also for the rest of Velaris. “He’s alone out there.”

“Nuala and Cerridwen are there,” he argued, but we both knew it made little difference.

“I just hate that he went alone. I don’t understand how this could happen. We have no plans for this. I’m basing all this on the records from the kidnapping of my great great grandfather, but that only lasted a month, before they found him living with cows in the woods. We have no idea what’s going on with Rhys or how long it’s going to last.”

“He’ll be fine, I promise you. And so will we, because you’re leading us.”

I had been such a long time since last time he managed to move without me noticing, but this time I was so anxious and worried that I didn’t notice it until he engulfed me in an embrace.

“We’re five people in total governing this city right now,” he spoke softly into my ear. “You’re not alone in this, you’ll never be.”

I savoured the hug for as long as I could. He’s right, of course, but at the same time he was wrong. We were five people governing the city, but I was the only take had to take care of both the city and Azriel, Mor, Cass and Amren. If we fell apart now, our 5000-year-old secret would be revealed. I couldn’t let that happen.

“I thought I might find you here,” Azriel spoke from behind me. I had left the door to my office in the library wide open, knowing that he would come find me sooner rather than later.

“Are you saying you don’t know where I am at all times?” I teased him a little, knowing a shadow had been coiled around my ankle for the most part of the decade.

Azriel, however, was not in a teasing mood.

“It’s 3 am, and you have a meeting at 7 answering more of the people’s questions,” he reminded me. In the first couple of weeks, we had answered questions for hours every day and printed the answers so that it would be available for everyone in the city the next day. Then, we went over to weekly questionings, and now monthly.

“Yeah, I know, I just need-”

“No,” he interrupted me, and it felt so unusual and serious. “Y/n, you need to sleep. And eat. And bathe.”

“Are you saying I smell?”

“That’s the least of our problems,” he argued. “But, yes, you do smell.”

I let out a sigh and stood of from my desk.

“Would you mind finding me something to eat while I take a quick bath?” I asked him carefully.

He looked surprised that I didn’t keep arguing that my work was too important. My work was too important to sleep and eat, but the worry and guilt I felt from Azriel made it impossible to concentrate. I hated to be the cause of his guilt.

“Of course,” he answered almost hesitantly. But then he jumped into action. Before I could react, he picked me up and walked out of the library, ready to fly me to the House of Wind. I was deeply asleep before we even took off.

“What about Azriel?” my brother inquired and I felt my entre body tense up. “Feyre said she’d seen you two in the library together-”

I stood up before he finished the sentence. I almost felt the food I had eating coming back up. It was too much, way too much.

“Oh yeah, I would love to date Azriel, but you’re still alive so I can’t without it killing me on the spot.”

Deep down, I knew that Rhys meant it well. He had found the love of his life, his mate, and he wanted the best for me too. He wanted me to experience a similar love.

However, as he brought it up, I just felt angry. So angry that he was allowed to be with his mate and I wasn’t. It felt like Azriel was being taken away from me all over again.

“Don’t you ever say that,” I told him firmly. “Don’t even think it.”

I left the café we were eating lunch at and ended up flying for three hours before I managed to calm down.

My eyes were blood red, and they were starting to sting. I realized, I should probably have blinked at least twenty times between now and the last blink. Or maybe even more. How long has it been?

“If he makes it through the night, it’s a much bigger chance that he’ll survive,” Madja’s words haunted me. They were all consuming and was probably the reason I didn’t dare to blink. What if I did, and he stopped breathing?

I violent sob left me, and a single shadow dared to leave their master to comfort me.

Azriel’s hand was in mine, and shadows covered his entire upper body as a blanket. They helped me a lot, because I didn’t really need to see the bloody bandages that covered him under the shadows.

“Just keep breathing, Azriel,” I whispered, my voice was hoars from crying. “You can do it.”

I looked away from him for a single second, to see that it was only 2 am. It was going to be a long night, but I wouldn’t stop staring at him. Not even for one second.

“I’ll breathe for you,” I wailed and pressed his hand against my forehead. “Just tell me if you need me to and I’ll find a way to do it. Just don’t leave me, not yet.”

Azriel took my hand and helped me stand up. I tried to ignore the tremor in his hands and in my own.

“I’ll just take a bite, and then we’ll be free from this curse one way or another,” he murmured.

He’d eat the food I prepared, and I’d either drop dead on the spot, or I’d finally be able to kiss my mate.

Something inside me broke at the thought of dying without having experienced his lips on mine. However, accepting the bond felt more necessary. Accepting the bond would tie our souls together, and I was convinced it would make it easier for us to find each other in our next life.

Azriel’s arm wrapped around my waist and held me tightly. His hazel eyes looked deeply into my soul and the feeling of hope quickly extinguished the fear.

He didn’t look away from me as he picked up the fork and used it to collect a bite from one of the dishes. I didn’t look away from his eyes, so I didn’t notice exactly what it was. His eyes carried hope and love, and looking away from them wasn’t a option.

“Ready?” he asked, but he sounded out of breath.

“I love you,” I told him for the first time. And I was suddenly just as out of breath as he was. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too, Y/n,” he answered and raised the fork up against his mouth.

Azriel’s hand started shaking, and I reached up and held softly around his wrist. It made it stop shaking instantly.

We kept eye contact as I helped him leading the fork towards his mouth.

“I can’t believe this is actually happening,” I spoke with as much of a smile as I could.

Azriel gave me a comforting smile back. And then he let out a deep breath before he had the courage to eat the food.

He almost threw it into his mouth and swallowed without chewing. His arm around my waist tightened, and I heard the fork hit the ground and then Azriel’s other hand cradled my neck as his lips met mine.

I don’t know what I had expected from our first kiss. Maybe butterflies exploding in my stomach, wetness dampening my underwear, or my knees buckling.

I didn’t expect total silence.

It was like taking shelter from the wind after it had been loud in your ear for hours. Or like leaving a crowded place after everyone had just laughed their lunges out.

It felt almost like the silence after war, but it wasn’t as sad. It wasn’t sad at all actually.

Azriel’s lips were against mine, and I was alive.

My mate was kissing me and no other feeling would ever compare.

Couldn't get this of my mind, and now I'm crying.

Series Masterlist

Masterlist

Azriel vividly remembers the first night he spent in the house where Cassian, Rhysand and Rhys’ mother lived. He remembers feeling utterly terrified. He remembers trying to sleep on the floor because the bed was too soft. He remembers waking at every sound of the wind, and every breath of the others in the house. Every sound made him think he was back in the cell. It made him think that his brothers or father were coming back to hurt him.

He sometimes thought about how he tried to cry as quietly as possible, but that he quickly realized that if he could hear the others breathe, they could hear his quiet sobs. He wasn’t used to having anyone nearby in the evenings. And even though he was used to hearing dripping from the walls of his cell, he never really heard breathing or the wind. He was used to it being quiet and the second it wasn’t, he knew trouble was coming.

He spent four nights without any sleep, before Rhys’ mother came into his room one quiet evening, helped him into the bed and asked him to try to sleep there. He felt exhausted after training, but he was too scared to sleep. Not that he would ever tell that to anyone. However, Rhys’ mother knew, she always knew. He knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep in the bed. If he should have any chance to sleep, it would be on the floor. However, he would never dare to not do as Rhys’ mother asked him to. So, he stayed in bed.

Another couple of days went by, and Azriel was on the verge of passing out at every second, when a small lamp suddenly appeared in his room. A small lamp that would turn on every evening. The light fixed a lot. Even though all the sounds still kept him awake, the lamp made him able to see that he was indeed alone in the room. And even though it was still scary, he knew the room was a lot safer than his cell.

He still remembers using the lamp to sleep for decades. It was the most important thing he brought when he moved out of the house in Windhaven.

He also remembers the total panic attack he had the day the lamp stopped working. He spent over a year learning to sleep without the lamp.

He was 214 years old the next time he slept with a night light. Or, almost a night light.

He had fallen in love with you ages ago. Even though he hadn’t realized it yet, he knew after seeing you for the second time, that you had already lived in the back of his mind since he first saw you when he was 37.

It hadn’t taken him more than three meetings with you to understand how stubborn you were. If you had decided that something was scary or too dangerous, he stood no chance in changing your mind.

He had to admit though, that it was one of the things he loved the most about you.

But it’s also one of the reasons why it took him over two decades for you to agree to spend the night outside your family’s territory.

“No, absolutely not, never. You can forget about it. It’s never happening.” Was your reaction the first time he had suggested it.

He was over the moon when he understood that you were finally ready for it. And, it seemed like you were just as happy. How did he know? Did you tell him? No, absolutely not. You never admitted when you were wrong. It was another sign that made it quite easy to understand.

Your wings.

Your magnificent wings that took his breath away every time he saw them was glowing stronger than he had ever seen before. He knew the glow of the wings corresponded with your mood. And he couldn’t help but smile smugly at the fact that you were just as happy as he was. Something that of course made you tell him to “shut it”.

Even though he had seen you often for many years, he hadn’t really though about the fact that the wings never stopped glowing. Never. Not even in the middle of the darkest night.

“It’s quite useful for the babes, you know. They have their own built-in nightlight. So, unless something is seriously wrong, it’s never too dark. I hope it doesn’t bother you too much”. That is what you had told him, and they you had started crying, of course, because what if a babe had wings that weren’t glowing? It would be awful.

He had witnessed it himself. How your wings were almost dull some days. It was always some glow, but sometimes when life was too hard, your wings were pointed downwards and the glow was dimmed. It always made him smile when the glow slowly would return as you spend more time with him.

He didn’t realize how much the glow of your wings meant to him. You were his light more ways than one

It had been three months. Three months when he finally caved.

Three months with no more than three hours of sleep each night. Three months of trying to sleep in the middle of the day, to avoid the darkness. Three months of struggling more than he would admit.

Three months of crying every. single. night. because he knew what you had sacrificed for him to still be there.

He still hadn’t dared to walk around without a shirt, scared he would see himself in the mirror. Scared he would see the beautiful pattern of your wing on his chest. He couldn’t even think about it without needing to either punch something or cry.

He was supposed to protect you. And now, you had sacrificed a part of the most sacred thing you could to save him. And then you had disappeared, not allowing him to comfort, care and protect you back. You would need to be protected at all times now when you were outside your territory. He couldn’t imagine how much damage even a small injury would cause you.

He had been in your house every day and every night for the past three months. Only last week, he had promised himself to only go every Monday. He got heartbroken every time you weren’t there.

Heartbroken every time he went to bed and realized you weren’t going to be there for him to hold tight.

It had been three months, and he understood the difficulty sleeping would probably stay. He understood that he had to do something.

He didn’t allow himself to feel embarrassed as he walked into the kid’s store, straight towards the night lights and picked out the first one. He went to the counter to pay and tried to not think too much about the fact that he worker there said “oh, my toddler loves this one”.

He felt like a toddler. He felt completely lost. He had lost his wife, his love and his best friend.

He would pretend to be okay. He promised himself that. He didn’t care how long you needed. If you needed a century, he would wait a century. If you needed more, he would wait longer.

It didn’t matter. He would wait for you.

He would wait for his light.

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Masterlist

Feyre was breathing, shaking and crying in Tamlin’s arms. She was alive, and Amarantha was dead. Finally dead…

You looked at the scene in front of you and distantly you could hear the chaos behind you. The High Lords were speaking, whispering, to each other. They were almost glowing in a way you hadn’t seen them do in 50 years.

Because magic was back. Amarantha was dead, her curse was broken. Which meant-

A tight grip on your arm pulled you out of your thoughts. In front of you was your brother. He was covered in blood, but so were you. His concerned eyes told you everything. You dropped the knife you were holding and threw your arms around him.

“Winnow home, little one,” he whispered and squeezed you a little tighter. “Go home and tell them we’re safe.”

“What about you?”

“I’ll stay a couple of days to make sure all the people get home safely.” You opened your mouth and drew a breath, but you were stopped before you could even start. “No, you’re going home right now. Okay? Go home to your mate.”

He gave you another small squeeze before he stepped back. It was obvious he was going to stand there until he saw you winnow.

***************

Winnowing to Velaris was tough. Using such a big amount of magic for the first time in fifty years was exhausting, however the goal made it all worth it.

The magic that now thrummed throughout your entire body felt almost foreign. It felt deep and hidden. It was almost as if it was asleep.

It was also another part of you, a golden thread of hope, love and comfort, that was hidden deep within you. You had longed for it for fifty years, but you didn’t dare to pull the bond until you were home.

That’s why you winnowed with all the energy you had. You didn’t know how long time it took, it didn’t matter. All you cared about was Azriel.

Even thinking his name made you shiver.

Your Azriel. Your mate. Your person.

Who was he now? Had he changed? Was his hair longer? Was his voice deeper? Was he thinner? Or did he have more muscles?

It had been twenty years under the mountain when the last memory of his smell left you.

After 15 years you had forgotten the amount of freckles on his face.

After ten years you had started to realize you were losing the ability to hear his voice.

You were coming home to your mate, but you knew he wouldn’t be the same. You certainly weren’t.

“Azriel,” you spoke as the exhaustion spread through your body. “Azriel, Azriel, Azriel.”

You landed in front of the house, the cottage, you and Azriel owned. It only took the sight of it and you were on your knees.

You could breathe. You were breathing fresh air. A deep breath in and a sob-filled breath out.

You scrambled to your feet and looked around. Flowers, trees and birds. The wind and some rain. It all belonged to Velaris. It was all the sort of comfort you could only find in Velaris.

The cottage was…something. The paint on the walls were almost completely gone, there was broken windows and plants growing up the walls. However, it was still standing. Deep down it was still the same.

You knew he wasn’t there. You realized your mate probably hadn’t been there since you had been there. Or maybe, he had been the one responsible for the broken windows.

With a couple of heavy steps you walked up to the door. Memories of your first time walking through it flooded you with even more tears.

Was this real? Were you actually home?

Opening the door was both a relief and a terror. Coming home to an empty, forgotten, house wasn’t easy. But at the same time, nothing had changed.

A sob tore through your body at the sight of books on the coffee table and clothes hanging to dry by the window. It was still your home. The cute round table was there. The bookcase you had forced Azriel to carry. Your piano. His desk. Your yarn. Countless puzzles, games and workout equipment.

But no Azriel.

You laid your hand on your chest and took a deep breath. A deep breath that filled so much of your lungs it almost felt overwhelming. And then you dug deep. So deep you almost didn’t recognize the way, so deep you were scared it was nothing there, so deep you-

So deep that a gasp left you as you found the mating bond. The bond that was thrumming and beating and breathing. The bond that held you together for 50 years without you being able to feel it.

It was there. It was real. It was whole. And on the other side was your mate. Was he already feeling this? Did he know you were back? Or weren’t you pulling hard enough? You gave another tug and felt even more of him.

It was overwhelming for sure, but at the same time it was everything it should be.

The feeling was almost addictive and you soon tugged again.

“Come on, Az,” you whispered aloud, tugging a third time. “Please.”

The third time did it. It lead you to him, lead your magic to his mind. You softly touched his solid shields and immediately felt them ramble into nothing.

I entered his mind and felt the adrenaline, the fear and the hope he was experiencing. But even his extreme feelings couldn’t prevent what you were feeling.

The mating bond was thriving in your chest and your mind was quiet. Complete quiet for the first time in 50 years. Because you were finally home. Your knees buckled at the thought, the feeling, and you had to grab on to the table to made sure you didn’t fall to the ground.

“You could at least have cleaned the place,” you spoke into his mind. Your voice was different from how you remembered it, but it didn’t matter.

You soon felt the total panic and adrenaline in Azriel’s mind amplify. You realized you were probably only 47 seconds away from seeing your mate.

32 seconds was his record time in flying from the House to your shared home. Since he hadn’t been there in a while, you guessed he would use 37 seconds flying. He would then hesitate for 6 seconds, and then he’d use the last four walking to the door.

You could feel him getting closer. You were holding onto the bond for dear life, you were holding onto him. You couldn’t explain the feeling other than total comfort.

Azriel landed outside after 36 seconds, but he hesitated for 7. You could almost feel him looking at the open door you looked at from the other side.

You wouldn’t say you were attacked, because it was a lot more comforting than that, but soon shadows were swirling by and touching all of your skin. Your face, your hands, your ankles. The tip of your nose, your forehead, the back of your ear, your neck.

And as those magnificent hazel eyes looked deep into yours for the first time in forever, total relief filled your entire body. A body that had been running on borrowed fuel for way too many years.

Azriel was a second too late to catch you before your knees hit the ground. However he fell to his knees before you and held you tighter than ever before.

And his chest was beating. His heart was pounding so quickly. A sob left you at you finally got confirmation that your mate was alive.

“You’re home,” he spoke softly and you could hear the relief in his voice.

“I’m home,” you answered and buried your face deeper into his chest.

Azriel made sure to not let you go at all as he changed positions and lifted you into his lap. He wrapped his wings around you as well and his breath instantly calmed.

You couldn’t tell how long you stayed in that position. The shadows swirled around. Some of them were frantic, but most of them lazily clung onto you.

The mating bond had never sung stronger. It thrummed in your chests and you were almost surprised as you opened your eyes and there wasn’t a threat trying you to his chest.

Even though there shadows swirled and the mating bond sung, your mind was totally quiet. It was no longer desperate to get home. It wasn’t longing after anything. It wasn’t screaming after your mate. It was content.

Azriel knew it the second you opened your eyes. He carefully unraveled the cocoon he had made with his wings. The second his hand touched your face you sobbed again and leaned into it. He let you stay there for a while before he started to guide your head up, to guide your eyes to meet his.

You did look into his hazel eyes and broke down once more. You were so fucking scared that it was all a dream.

“Breath,” Azriel told you softly, his fingers drying your tears. “You’re home.”

You carefully lifted your hand to dry his tears as well, and even though touching his face felt wonderful, it also came with a feeling of sadness. Sadness that you didn’t remember if the scar he had under his right eye was new or something he had carried when you last saw him.

Azriel’s hand tightened on you face and he gave you a small smile.

“Can I kiss you?” He whispered.

“Please,” you answered.

He leaned in and held you even closer than before as he kissed your lips softly. It was a short kiss, but it was all you could ever wish for.

He pulled away, but you kissed him again and again and again. Because you could. You could finally kiss his whenever you wanted to.

“My mate,” you whispered and his breath hitched.

Azriel then kissed your forehead.

“My mate,” he answered hand lifted his hand of my face. He curled his fingers, so that only his little finger was straight. You smiled as best as you could without sobbing and wrapped your little finger around his.

After a moment, you leaned back into his chest and curled up even further into his lap. He smiled softly and wrapped his wings around you again.

“Azzy,” you whispered after a while. “I should probably let the others know I’m home.”

Azriel’s embrace tightened, but he eventually agreed.

You took a deep breath and dug to find your daemati-powers. You reached out to all three of them at once. Mor, Cass and Amren. You also entered Azriel’s mind, to let him know what you were saying.

“No welcome home party?” You asked and then pulled out of their minds before they could answer. You looked up into your mate’s eyes and saw his soft smile. “I say we have about 40 seconds before Cass and Mor are here.”

“Don’t underestimate them,” Azriel answered and engulfed you in his comforting cocoon once more. You leaned into him, catching as much of his smell as possible. You felt overwhelmed, but so ready to see your brother and cousin.

It didn’t take long before you heard their hurried footsteps towards your home. Azriel reacted by tightening his embrace even more. It was obvious that he really did not want to let you go, not yet, not ever.

“Brother?” Cassian asked so utterly softly, you didn’t even recognize his voice.

Azriel hesitated for a second before he unwrapped you from his embrace. You didn’t even have time to move before Cassian had fallen to his knees and crushed you in his strong hug.

“Careful,” Azriel hissed, but allowed his brother to hold you.

Mor moved slower, but joined the hug as well. She sat down slowly and brushed a hand through your hair.

All of you stayed quiet for ages, before Amren arrived, just as quietly as usual.

“I can’t even see the girl,” she spoke, but everyone could see the relief in her eyes. Mor and Cass moved so that Amren could see you and so that you could look at her. “Where’s your brother?”

“He’s staying behind a couple of days to make sure everybody gets home safely,” you answered. “But he’s alive.”

“What about the other High Lords?” she continued to ask. It was her way of showing she cared. She wanted to know what you had gone through.

“Tamlin, Beron and Thesan are alive. Helion, Tarquin and Kallias are High Lords.”

“And what-”

“No more interrogations,” your mate spoke calmly. He then turned to you once more. “When was the last time you ate? And had some water? Or a bath? The shadows didn’t find any injuries, but are you in pain?” He stopped himself to take a deep breath. “What do you need?”

He looked almost nervous, but just as cute as you remembered.

“Some food would be nice.”

***************

Azriel though he was experiencing a fever dream. A dream where his mate was back in his arms, laughing with her family, eating and drinking wine. He expected to wake up. He expected to take a deeper breath and suddenly be back in his boring and cold bedroom, alone.

However, it wasn’t a dream. It was all real. You were in his arms. You were almost sitting in his lap. He had carried you in his arms as he flew to the House of Wind. You had cried from both the flying and seeing the House again. He had found you some food, forced Cassian to find your favourite chocolate and he had watched every bite you took. He had watch you getting more colour in your face, because even though he didn’t say anything, you had looked deadly pale.

When you had finished your food and he had asked twice if you didn’t want more, you had calmly sat down next to him in the couch. He hadn’t hesitated before he wrapped his arms and wings around you once again. It felt like you could disappear at any given moment, like holding on to you was the most important thing in the world. And it was.

Your smell was a little different from what he remembered, but just as comforting. Your hair was a look shorter than the length you usually would prefer, but you looked just as magnificent.

Even after 50 years, your eyes were just as he remembered. He had been thinking about them every second of every day for 50 years, and he finally didn’t have to imagine them.

“Tired”, his shadows whispered to him. He didn’t hesitate to look down and saw your eyes blinking lazily. He couldn’t explain the feeling. Relief didn’t even cover half of it. You were safe and, in his arms, finally. He made sure to carefully help the wine glass out of your hand and on to the table, before he kissed your forehead softly. “Sleep.”

I didn’t even take seconds before you slumped a little more against him and your breath evened out. Azriel made sure to move slowly, carefully not to wake you, as he laid down on the couch and moved you to lay on top of him. He didn’t even have time to look at his brother and Mor to tell them to keep it quiet before he fell asleep himself.

***************

Cassian didn’t know what he expected to find as he walked into the living room of the House the morning after. Maybe a couple of used plates and empty wine bottles.

He did not expect to find you and Azriel still fast asleep on the couch. He smiled at the sight but knew for sure that Azriel would be in pain from sleeping with his wings in such a weird position. A lot of weight lifted off his shoulders. They had all worried a lot about Azriel the last decades. Worried he wouldn’t make it, however, the battle was finally over. Cauldron, he hoped they would have time to go for a vacation just the two of them.  

Cassian decided to try to wake the two of you, but he would make sure to have food ready. He was sure you were hungry, or at least he hoped you were. From what he had understood, yesterday had been a long day and you had only eaten a small dinner.

He made two big plates of pancakes and sat them down on the living room table.

“Breakfast,” he spoke, not too loud, but definitely loud enough to wake two sleeping mates…or so he had thought. Neither one of you moved. “Y/n, Azriel, I made pancakes.”

Your sleeping responses made Cassian throw his hands out to his sides.

“What’s going on? You’re spies! I have never seen you sleep this soundly!”

“Leave them alone, Cass,” Mor suddenly spoke from behind him. “It’s obvious they need it.”

***************

It was nine pm…NINE PM, and you and Azriel were still sleeping. Cassian had checked on the two of you three times throughout the day, but it didn’t look like you had moved at all.

“Maybe something is wrong…” Mor finally admitted.

They had both been sitting in the living room, watching if they could notice something off about the two of you.

“I’m getting Madja,” Cassian spoke and moved before Mor could protest.

Madja was as relaxed as always, but agreed she should probably do a small check-up. Cassian flew her to the House. Even Madja couldn’t help but show signs of relief seeing you home.

“It’s perfectly normal,” Madja spoke as she poked Azriel and Y/n in various spots.

“Normal? They’ve slept for over 24 hours,” Cassian argued, feeling rather worried.

“Y/n and Azriel are mates, Cassian. Mates that have spent an unimaginable amount of time apart. It’s likely that their bodies and minds are able to relax for the first time in 50 years. Taking a long nap together then seems valid,” Madja spoke softly and moved away from the two of them. “If they’re not awake within two more days, call for me.”

***************

You woke up with a big yawn. You blinked softly but stayed calm and didn’t move. You were laying on something hard, but warm. Someone hard and warm.

You almost let out a small giggle as you buried your head deeper into Azriel’s chest and smelled him deeply.

You heard him yawn, a sound you had to admit was one of the cutest in the world.

“Hello, love,” you spoke and felt your throat being unexpectedly dry.  

Azriel grunted tiredly back, before he spoke.

“I really need to move, my wings are squeezed,” he spoke, surprisingly calm.

You didn’t even hesitate to move away from him and allow him to move. However, your body felt so heavy to move. It took a little longer than you expected, but you eventually stood up on your feet. You looked back at your mate and noticed he also looked a little unsteady on his feet. What was going on?

“Finally,” a voice spoke from behind you.

You didn’t hesitate to use all of the little energy you had to embrace your brother.

“You’re home,” you spoke deep into his chest. However, after just a couple of seconds you felt the need to move away and back into your mate’s embrace instead.

“You’re awake,” he spoke with an amused smile.

“What?” Azriel asked, confused at why it would be funny that they slept in the living room.

“Y/n came home over three days ago,” Cassian spoke.

You felt your jaw drop, and were seconds  away from acusing Cassian of lying, when you realized your brother was home. Rhys had told you he would stay back a couple of days, so why would he be home, if it hadn’t been…

You turned and looked into your mate’s eyes, he looked as confused as you did.

Series masterlist

Masterlist

You had woken up four times and each time you had forgotten where you were. It felt like waking up in a real nightmare. Then, a couple of seconds would pass, and you remembered that you were safe. Flake had been sleeping in your arms, and he was safe too.

Feyre and Rhysand had prepared two rooms for you and Flake, but you decided you would share one. At least for the first couple of days. It felt almost scary how quickly you had agreed to join them and go to the Night Court. However, you started to trust Cassian. You wouldn’t keep Flake away from his family if they actually wanted to have a part in his life.

However, you still couldn’t help but thinking that they’d kick you out eventually. That they’d get annoyed that you took up a too big part of their lives.

The fifth time you woke up, the sun was up. It was almost noon you realized and freaked out. Had you ever slept that long? You also freaked out because you were alone. Flake was no longer in your arms.

You jumped out of bed and almost ran to the door. Where was he? Was he okay? What if someone had taken him? Had you lost him again? When you got out in the corridor you ran until you found the living room. You stopped abruptly in the door.

Flake sat in the middle of the room, playing with an Illyrian boy that looked a little older than him.

“I’m sorry,” a voice spoke behind you, and you turned to see Nesta. “Flake was hungry, and I didn’t want to wake you.” Then you realized that the boy had to be Vyn. Cassian and Nesta’s youngest son. He looked a lot like his father. “Are you hungry? We’re making lunch. Then, Cassian thought maybe you wanted to go to a healer.”

You looked down on your foot. Even though the healers in Winter had fixed the broken bones, it still hurt. You forced yourself not to limp, but you felt the need to. You eventually agreed to eat lunch with Nesta, even though you stressed a little bit about leaving Flake in the living room.

As you walked through the corridors of the River House, you saw painting on the wall. It was paintings of all of them. Cassian and Nesta with their sons, Feyre and Rhys with their family. As well as some group paintings. Nesta walked in front of you, showing you the way to the kitchen. So, she didn’t notice when you stopped to look at the painting.

Azriel looked directly at you. His eyes were as you remembered. As bright and happy as the ones your son had. However, the shape of his nose was different than you remembered. He looked almost emotionless. He didn’t smile or laugh, as he often did with you. He looked serious, almost scary. Deep down, you felt lucky that you had gotten to know the soft part of him. The one that smiled every second of every day you spent together. The one that was overly sarcastically and made fun of you as often he could, in a loving way of course. However, you grieved a little. You knew that the Azriel you knew wasn’t the entire Azriel. It was so much you didn’t know. You had of course known him as a spy, but even in the earliest days you had thought he was going easy on you.

Your eyes scanned the entire painting. You tried to remember every detail. Shivers and the need to cry hit you as you realized you were starting to forget the small details of his face. You didn’t remember the scar that was above his left brow, however the second you saw it, you remembered him explaining how he got it. How he had gotten hurt during the snowball fight with his brothers.

His arms were in a cross over his chest in the painting. His hands were beautifully painted, but the life that you had seen in his scars weren’t captured. You remembered tracing them. You remembered him making countless fires for you and then admitting that he hated it. You remembered taking over. You remembered sitting by his side as he tried to sit close to the fire, but he didn’t manage to. A sigh left your chest. It was weird how Flake always had loved the fire. He had tried to climb into it multiple times, not because it was cold, but because the light and movements made him curious.

Azriel would have freaked out if he saw it. The shadows probably had.

You were so deep in your thoughts, you hadn’t noticed how Nesta had gone into the kitchen and how Cassian now stood beside you. He also looked at the painting with grief filled eyes.

“I haven’t been able to look at this painting for the last seven, almost eight years,” he told you. You then looked at him and saw that he was indeed looking directly into Azriel’s deep eyes. “I regret that now. I could have spoken to him this entire time.”

You smiled sadly at that.

“Good morning, Az,” you told the picture and let you a small, but sad laugh.

For a while, both of you just stood still and looked at the painting.

When you had studied the entire thing, your eyes wandered to the writing on a sign under the painting. His name was written, together with the day of his birth and the day of his death.

Even though you had already realized it, it still felt like a punch to the gut when you got the confirmation that Azriel did indeed die the day Flake was born. You felt the first tear leave your eye but brushed it away before you let it roll too far. You hadn’t done anything but cry the last days, so you did your best to not start again.

“You okay?” Cassian asked quietly. Of course you weren’t okay, but you were hanging in there.

“Do you think he knew about the bond?” you asked him carefully. “Knew we were mates?”

Cassian drew a sharp breath. He spent a few seconds controlling his breath and thinking.

“Do you think he knew?” was his only answer.

“I like to think so.”

“Then, yes. I think he knew,” Cassian answered. He carefully grabbed your hand. “Don’t doubt yourself. If you think he knew, he probably did.” Then he lowered his voice a little. “Did you know before it happened? Or did the bond break?”

It was your turn to draw a sharp breath. You almost felt stupid to not realize that the pain you had experienced that day wasn’t only labour. It was the bond breaking.

“I…,” you tried to answer, but words became hard. Cassian was still holding your hand, trying to calm you. “The day Azriel died is the day Flake was born. I…I think the mating bond breaking started the birth early.”

Cassian tried to hide the heartbreak in his eyes, but it didn’t really work. You saw it and you felt it too. However, it was too much for you.

You pulled your hand out of his.

“Can we eat?” you asked quietly.

He only nodded and you walked before him into the kitchen. He came behind you a few seconds later. You pretended to not notice the worried look in Nesta’s eyes directed towards her mate.

In the kitchen was Nesta, Feyre and Rhys. But also, a male and female with a small kid, and a second male. You realized it was Feyre and Rhys’s son with his wife and child, but you didn’t remember their names. You also realized the second male was Cassian and Nesta’s son. While Vyn looked like Cassian, this son looked a lot more like his mother, but carried himself just as proudly as Cassian.

“Keal, meet Y/n, Y/n meet our son Keal,” Cassian spoke behind you. “And over there is Nyx, Laverna and Lia.”

You nodded and gave them all a soft smile. You were too emotional to speak. You were scared you would break down crying again if you opened your mouth to speak.

You slowly sat down in a chair. The food was already on the table. It smelled amazing. It was both cold and warm food. Some eggs and bacon, but also a salad and some type of cooked meat. You hadn’t realized how hungry you were.

You patiently waited for the others to start eating. To your surprise, they seemed just as hungry as you. There wasn’t a lot of conversations as you ate. Sometimes someone would ask you to send something, but other than that, all of you sat and ate in peace.

Even though you had only been in the house of a couple of hours, you already felt the comfortable energy. They all gave each other soft smiles as they ate. Rhysand’s hand laid comfortably on Feyre’s thigh and the couple often looked softly at each other. Nyx and Laverna was almost the same, but they were gazing on their daughter who sat there happily, playing with her food.

Keal and Nesta both looked exhausted. It was almost like neither one of them had slept that night. Maybe they hadn’t. You realized that the news you had brought probably gave them as much pain as it had you. They had missed the seven first years of their nephew and cousin’s life.  

Beside you, Cassian sat almost still. He was eating, but a lot slower than the rest of you. He was paying a lot of attention to you. He looked at your plate. It was almost like he was making sure you ate.

Suddenly, the silence became too much for you.

“Thank you for letting us stay here,” you tell no one in particular. “It means a lot.”

No one answered for a while and you started to seriously think you had done something wrong. Maybe you weren’t supposed to speaking during meals…

You had opened your mouth and were ready to apologize when Feyre spoke.

“Of course! We would want nothing more than for you and Flake to stay here,” she spoke softly. You first then dared to look over at her. She smiled at you. “Don’t worry about that.”

You gave her a small smile back, but they the conversation quieted down a little. That was until Keal spoke. He looked directly at you.

“Did you love him?”

It was a quiet question, but it meant so much. Of course you loved Azriel. You loved him with all you had. However, now that you had met his family, you understood he had other people that loved him more. That cared for him more. Not because you didn’t want to care for him more, but because you didn’t know him like they did. You realized that they probably didn’t know him like you did either.

You noticed the sharp glare Keal got from his parents turned into soft and hopeful looks.  

The second you opened your mouth to speak, a shadow brushed the back of your ear. Like a small kiss that gave you courage.

“Yes,” you answered firmly. “I loved him a lot. I wished I had known him better and longer, but I have loved him and always will love him.”

Keal nodded and went back to eat.

The rest of the meal was in silence, but a silence you felt a lot more comfortable in.

“Madja?” you asked the healer carefully. She had been tending to your foot. Trying to heal it quicker. The pain you had felt in it earlier was almost gone.

“Yes?” she answered and looked at you waiting.

Cauldron. Why did it have to be so difficult? Why couldn’t you settle with not being 100% sure?

“If a mating bond breaks while a female is let’s say seven months pregnant, can that trigger an early labour? Even if they are unaware of the bond?”

Madja sat back in her chair and looked questioningly at you.

“You’re not pregnant, are you?” You answered by shaking your head. Madja drew a long breath before she continued. “A mating bond breaking is said to change the entire life of a mate. The heart of the mate that is left behind often never recovers. There is a high possibility that the labour started early because of the death, but we can never know for sure. The sudden change in the body might have made is dangerous for the babe and therefore it needed to get out early.”

You already knew it, but it didn’t make it easier. You had lost your mate without knowing what he was. Without feeling the amazing pull and embrace of the heart that tied you to him. There was nothing you could do about it, but you still longed. Longed after something you had never felt. Or maybe you had, you just didn’t know it.

“I knew it the second he brought you here,” Madja spoke. “I knew you were his mate, but I never realized you didn’t know. I have never seen the Shadowsinger that panicked.”

“So, you think he knew?” you asked her. Your voice was almost too weak, but she heard you.

The shadows answered before Madja did. One of them held your hand, another circled above your heart and a third one kissed the back of your ear. It didn’t seem like Madja noticed them, but it meant everything to you.

“I think so, yes,” Madja answered. It almost seemed like the female got emotional. However, she kept being professional. “Your leg should heal throughout the day, if you’re still feeling pain tomorrow, come back.”

You nodded and she left.

Cassian had asked your if your wanted him to wait and make sure you got home early. However, you didn’t want to bother him so you told him you could go home alone.

Your life had been hard, but you had never felt particularly insecure. These last couple of day you had only felt like an intruder that weren’t supposed to be there.

As you made your way through the streets of Velaris you realized you had no idea where you were. All the houses looked similar. You tried to round a corner, but it didn’t help much. Where was the Sidra? And were you even going in the right direction. There were many people going around you, but could you ask them where you were going to go?

You didn’t dare to stop anyone.

After a while you just stopped up against a building. For a couple of seconds, you thought you could just wait until Cassian would realize you should have been back at the house, and he would come get you. However, then you realized you had again left Flake with total strangers. You weren’t as panicked as earlier, but you still were anxious to get home to make sure he was alright.

 You took a step to start walking left, but something stopped you.

Soft and chill whiskers of shadows wrapped around your wrist and carefully pulled you in the opposite direction. The second you took a step towards them you stopped pulling.

You kept walking in the direction they wanted you to. You walked past coffee shops, bookstores, bakeries and clothing stores. It felt almost cozy.

The shadows pulled you to the left and you followed them. That’s when you passed a shop that sold yarn and wool. A knitted sweater was displayed in the window. Maybe when you got a job and a salary you could start nalbinding or knitting again.

You continued walking. What were you going to do with your life in Velaris? You would need to find a school for Flake and make sure he had friends. You would need a place to live, but to do that you should find a place to work. Did they have a place you could go to get help finding a job? What kind of work would you want? You had no education, and all the experience you had were being a spy.

You let out a sigh. What had you done? You would be dependent on Azriel’s family for at least a couple of months. Perhaps it had been a mistake to go to Velaris.

The shadows continued to show the way and suddenly you saw the River House. It felt almost illegal to walk inside. Should you knock? Or should you just go in?

You decided to just walk in, you didn’t want to take off their time and make them walk to the front door.

“Mommy!!!” Flake yelled and came running. His smile was so big “Uncle Rhys has so much chocolate milk! Come see! I’ve had two cups already!”

Flake grabbed your hand and rushed you into the kitchen. Rhysand sat there together with Feyre, Lia and Vyn. Vyn looked just as full of energy as Flake did.  

“I hope it’s okay we gave him chocolate milk,” Rhysand asked as she walked in. They were all eating a simple snack.

“As long as you help him through his sugar kick you can feed him whatever you’d like,” you answered and sat down. Flake immediately took place in your lap. The kid was almost shaking as he finished eating his snack.

He swallowed the last bit of his food.

“Mommy, can I go play now?”

“Have you thanked them for the food?”

“Thank you for the snack aunt Fey,” he spoke and then looked hopefully up at you.

You helped him off your lap. “Go play.”

He ran out of the room togehter with Vyn. You looked after him for a while. He was so happy and you realized it all was worth it. It didn’t matter that you were struggling. It didn’t matter that you didn’t know how to live here in Velaris, because Flake was happy. And you were sure he and Vyn would be troublemakers.

“He’s a good kid,” Rhysand spoke. You met his soft gaze. “He seems energetic.”

You smiled and laughed a little.

“He loves to run around and play, however he has his times when he just wants to cuddle,” you spoke. Your heart was growing it felt like. It did almost every time you looked at your son. Yes, you had loved Azriel, but it was nothing compared to the love your felt for Flake. “Where is everyone else?”

Rhysand and Feyre shared a hesitating look, and you had to admit it worried you. What were happening now?

“Cassian mentioned you were hesitant to let us help you. That you didn’t want to ask us for too much,” Feyre started speaking and it made you embarrassed. Had you already asked too much of them? You should have brought Flake with you to the healer, you knew it. Of course they didn’t have time to babysit! They were the High Lord and High Lady for cauldron’s sake. “So please don’t be mad at us.”

“But we got you and Flake a house,” Rhysand continued, and you felt your jaw drop. “Before you freak out, it’s a house we had been planning on buying anyway. It’s closer to the forest, so that you maybe would feel more at home. Cassian and Nesta and the rest are over there preparing it for you.”

“W-what?” You were absolutely speechless. “I’m sorry, but we can’t take that. I-I can’t pay you back right now. I barely have any money at all.”

“We don’t want you to pay us back. Not yet at least. We want you two to make sure you get an easier start to your life here in Velaris. By having your own house Flake might find it easier to understand that this is your life right now. And it gives you a chance to relax. We know this haven’t been an easy decision for you, so we want to help you.” Feyre spoke softly.

You were totally overwhelmed. They had bought you a house. You didn’t know what to do. Why would they do that? Are they out of their minds?

“It’s ready for you,” Rhysand told you. “If you want to, we can go there now. Feyre can watch Flake. We’re babysitting both Lia and Vyn anyway.”

Feyre didn’t allow you to protest.

You made sure Flake was okay with you leaving. He almost didn’t notice you were there. He was too busy running around playing tag with Vyn.

“Let’s go,” Rhysand spoke as you walked out of the house. You couldn’t help but feel a little bit anxious about leaving Flake again. However, you knew he was having the time of his life. “Vyn and Flake seems to have become quite good friends already.”

“Absolutely,” you answered quietly. If was a relief that even though you were panicking and on the werge of crying every other second, Flake was having a great time.

As you walked through Velaris you were mostly quiet. Just looking at everything. The city was beautiful. It was filled with lights and life. Laughter was heard everywhere, and you smelled so much amazing food and drinks. The warm weather brought people out and they were dancing and smiling and talking. It almost seemed unreal.

And to know that Azriel had been walking in these streets. That he had probably laughed at the same places you saw strangers laughing at now. That he knew his way around and had a favourite place to eat.

A single tear fell from your eye. You had missed so much of him. You didn’t know what kind of Azriel that lived in Velaris. And it was so extremely painful to know that you never would.

You knew Rhysand had noticed your soft crying. So, he started speaking.

“Over there is our favourite place to eat. You’ll need to try it. This clothing shop is fairly new, but Mor swears by it. On the other side of this building is an amazing painting studio. It’s run by the most beautiful and sweet female in all of Prythian,” he turned to look at you with a smug smile. “Also known as my mate.”

You laughed at that. He did too.

“Over here is where we usually find toys for our kids. If you don’t mind me and Cassian was thinking of bringing Flake here tomorrow. We’re quite far off from fulfilling our fun uncle quota.”

“I think he’d like that,” you answered with a soft smile. You couldn’t explain the happiness of knowing that Flake had both uncles and aunts that loved him already. “His biggest wish for a long time has been to have his own football. He’s been talking about it for years.”

“We’ll get one for him tomorrow! Vyn also loves football and I’m sure both Keal and Nyx would like to join. They could have a cousin tournament. Keal and Vyn vs. Nyx and Flake”

“That would be amazing.”

You rounded a corner, and a big colourful building was standing tall before them. Kids were running around everywhere playing.

“That’s the school,” Rhysand explained. “It’s Summer vacation for another couple of weeks, but if you want Flake to go to a school it would be here. They have activites for children all the time though, even when it’s vacation”

School, of course. You hadn’t even thought about that. Flake probably missed his friends from his own school back in Winter. But, you hoped he would get a new start here.

It looked fun. There were a lot of places to play. In the middle of the playground stood a teacher. He was smiling from ear to ear and joined the kids in their games. It was nothing like the teachers you had dealt with before.

“Nyx went there,” Rhysand continued. “They’re known for their social activities both during and after school. I’m sure Flake will love it.”

You nodded as an answer. It was starting to become a little too overwhelming. You went from living in the woods, to suddenly live in a big city where the school had after school activities. Cauldron.

“Can you see the yellow house through the trees over there?” Rhysand asked and pointed. The house was small, but tall. While it was behind trees it wasn’t hidden, it was more like it was private. It had a big garden that was closed in by yellow fences in wood. The roof was brown, and the windows had blue frames. On the front porch stood a bench and it was flowers growing everywhere. “Welcome home.”

You didn’t know you could fall in love with a house. It screamed safety and fun. It was almost like a dream. You could already see Flake and Vyn running around, smashing flowers. You imagined yourself sitting on the porch watching them, or running after them. You imagined sitting outside in the snow and drink a cup of tea or maybe even hot chocolate. It would have to be lit up. Maybe you even could invite Flake’s friends from school over and they could play in the garden or inside. Even from the outside you could see that it would be an amazing place for playing hide and seek.

And, maybe it was stupid, but you could imagine Azriel smiling at you. Smiling, knowing that his family was taking care of you. That you were in good hands. That even though he wasn’t there, you weren’t alone.

Not anymore.

A shadow brushed away your tears and you laughed as it hid back into your hair.

“Thank you,” you told Rhysand and didn’t even think twice before you hugged him. “Thank you for everything. I don’t know what to say.”

He hugged you back.

The inside of the house was just as magical. A table with room for 8 people, maybe even more of you could get more chairs. You had a stove and a fridge as well as a cozy fireplace. The living room had both a couch and chairs. In the corner stood a bookshelf, but it was empty, and you couldn’t wait to fill it with random creations. Maybe flowers or something you had crocheted. And maybe some books for Flake.

“Maybe close your mouth before your jaw touches the floor,” Cassian spoke. He stood in the corner of the living room and beamed at you.

You closed your mouth with a snap and almost threw yourself at him.

“Thank you,” you almost whispered. The tears ran freely. They had bought you a fucking house. A home.

“You haven’t seen the best part yet,” Cassian answered and pulled away from the hug. He opened the door you hadn’t seen was behind him. “The main attraction.”

Your jaw dropped again, and Cassian laugh didn’t make you close it.

A bathroom.

A real bathroom with a sink, a bathtub and a toilet. A toilet!!!

You were quiet on the rest of the tour of the house. Your house. The second floor had a big room for Flake. It was almost the size of your entire house in Winter. He had a huge bed and so many toys you were sure he wouldn’t sleep for weeks because he was too excited to try them all out. It was decorated with both snowflakes and flowers on the walls. Hand painted. The dresser also had painted details and Nesta and Laverna was working on filling it with clothes for Flake. You thanked both of them as well. The second floor also had a play area and a small desk with two chairs. You smiled at the thought of watching Flake do homework.

The third floor was yours. Your bedroom took the entire floor. You had a huge bed. A bed that big, you didn’t know it was possible. You had windows on every wall with curtains in a soft purple colour. In one corner was both a desk with a chair, but also an armchair and a small couch with a coffee table in the middle. Keal and Nyx stood there, watching your reactions. They had just placed down a mirror. The floor had a fluffy carpet that took almost the entire floor, except for in one corner where they had placed a workout mat. You had a big dresser. Mor was loading it with way more clothes than what you would ever need. She stopped and gave you a small hug. You even had a small balcony with two chairs and a small table.

“Is that what I think it is?” you asked as Cassian opened a second door. “I have my own bathroom???? Are you crazy?”

Your own toilet.

“How are you feeling?” Cassian asked.

“Overwhelmed,” you answered with a big breath out. “But I love it. I-I don’t know how to thank you guys enough.”

“Just, please let us be a part of Flake’s life. Please just let us be his uncles,” Rhysand told you. “That’s all the thank we needed.”

You couldn’t help but laugh.

“And you thought you had to bribe me with an entire house? Of course you’ll be a part of his life! I would wish nothing more.”

It was almost like the entire room let out a sigh of relief. You felt almost a similar amount of relief as their love for your son again was displayed so freely.

Cassian’s hand landed on your shoulder and gave it a small squeeze before he handed you a small, framed painting.

Azriel was smiling at you. His shadows twisted around his arm in the painting, but they were twisted around your arm. He’s here, they told you.

“We didn’t know if you’d want it or where you’d want it,” Cassian told you and pulled you from your thoughts.

Tears almost tickled your face as they fell. You brushed them away and walked over to your bed. You almost slept on the left side, because the right side was the closest to the door and Azriel want to be ready if he needed to protect you. You put the painting on your bedside table.

“Hello, Az,” you said softly.

You looked back at the amazing people you had met just a day ago or gotten to know just weeks ago and suddenly life didn’t seem so hard anymore.

You weren’t alone. Both the shadows in your hair and the people around you told you that.

They weren’t leaving. Not as long as they had a say in it.

The change was sudden, but welcome.

You were ready to make this house and this city a home. This family would be your home.

You were sure of it.

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Cassian looked down at his arm and both felt and saw a shadow curl around his arm. He stood frozen just looking at it. He knew it. He knew it, but he didn’t believe it. What? How? When? Why?

“Flake, why don’t you go back inside and continue playing there,” Y/n spoke. Cassian hadn’t realized she walked out of her home. He hadn’t seen her walk and stand between himself and her son. “I’ll talk to our guest.”

Flake did what Y/n asked him to. He walked close to her, and she closed the door to her house, making sure he wasn’t listening it seemed like. Then, she turned to Cassian again and walked closer to him. She still had a limp in her leg.

“Thank you for helping, Cassian,” she started speaking, almost emotionless. “I don’t know what I would have-”

“Who is his father?” He interrupted her. His entire body was shaking. He pointed towards the door.

“You already know,” she answered quietly.

His entire world fell apart. How was it even possible? He tried to stay calm, to be reasonable, but he couldn’t.

“And you’ve kept him from us all these years?” He asked her, still with a shaky voice. She looked heartbroken at his accusation.

“What did you expect me to do? Go behind his back and tell you?”

“He knew?”

“Of course he knows! What do you think of me? Of course I told him! It’s not my fault he doesn’t want to be a part of my son’s life! It’s not my fault he doesn’t care! I’m not going to go behind his back and tell you. If he wants you to know, he’ll tell you himself.”

Cassian was going to throw up. He had been so angry for just a couple of seconds, but now he’s heartbroken. He felt like he was breaking.

Knows

Doesn’t want

Doesn’t care

If he wants

He’ll tell you

She didn’t know.

She actually didn’t know.

She didn’t know that Azriel was dead.

“Y/n, maybe we should sit,” he tried. He needed a few moments to think about how he was going to tell her. Because he had to tell her, even though it almost broke him.

“No, I’m not going to sit and listen to you criticize me when I have done nothing wrong. I don’t think you understand how hard it is to be a single mother.”

“I don’t, but I’m not going to criticize you. It’s been a mistake. I need you to sit.”

“Why? Why should I listen to you when the first thing you’ve done today is to criticize and not listen to me.” She answered and she looked like she would cry. Maybe she was crying.

Cassian almost cried himself. A sweet visit had suddenly turned into the worst moment in his life. How do you tell a female that her son’s father died over seven years ago. Cassian didn’t know the exact age of your son, but he refused to believe he was older than 8. Which meant the kid had been a max of six months when Azriel died.

“Y/n, I need you to trust me,” he tried once more. “I need us to sit down, and I need to tell you something. I don’t want you to stand as you hear it.”

He was not sure how she would react, but he was certain he couldn’t take the sight of her breaking and falling to the ground.

“No, if you have something to tell me, you’ll do it right here and right now. I won’t stand here and wait for you to insult me.”

His heart was beating out of his chest. At the same time, he felt his chest get tighter and tighter.

“Y/n, please jus-”

“No,” she answered and that was final.

He took a deep breath. He felt like he was preparing for battle. It didn’t matter what he said and did nothing would make it easier. Nothing would make it right. Because Azriel was dead, even though Cassian struggled with the truth, he couldn’t do anything about it.

He didn’t dear look at you. He looked down on the snow, down on his shoes.

“Azriel,” he started, and he was sure he heard a sharp breath from Y/n at just the sound of his brother’s name. He let out a sigh. “Azriel died, Y/n.”

He didn’t know what he expected. He didn’t know if he expected her to scream and yell, or cry silently, or maybe fight him.

However, he didn’t imagine her to slowly sink towards the ground, her hands in front of her. He didn’t imagine her face to go blank and her eyes to look straight forward, as if she was looking for an answer right before her.

“W-what?” she stuttered. Her voice was so quiet.

Cassian couldn’t hold back. He walked a couple of steps towards her and fell down to his knees. He wrapped his arms around her.

She broke.

She sobbed so loudly, he was sure it could be heard in the edge of the woods. She sobbed and threw up and sobbed some more. Her entire body was shaking and it seemed like she was struggling to breathe.

He just held her. He moved her hair away from her face when she threw up. Then, he held her against his chest until she finished.

It happened suddenly. She had been sobbing for about five minutes straight when she suddenly stopped.

Y/n took a deep breath and raised up from his embrace. He stood up with her, making sure she managed to stand on her feet. She dried her eyes and cleaned her face a little. But she made no sound. It was like she shut off her feelings completely.

“Dead?” she asked. She struggled to say the word. “When?”

“Over seven years ago now.”

“Oh gods,” she said and again sunk down to the ground. Even slower this time. Cassian joined her this time as well. “How much more than seven years?” Her breath was ragged.

“About six months,” he told her as softly as he could. She threw up once more. “Just let it out.”

“Tell me everything,” she demanded from him, still heaving after throwing up. “Just do it. Everything. I can take it.”

It was obvious that she wanted him to just rip off the bandage. She wanted to know it all, it didn’t matter how painful it was.

He had never said it aloud. He had done his best to forget the details around his brother’s death.

“Okay…Azriel went on a mission to the continent. I can’t really remember what or why he was going. He was supposed to use three weeks on the continent. He delivered daily updates to Rhys the first twelve days, but on the 13th day we heard nothing. That wasn’t unusual, so we didn’t think much about it.” He had to take a break and steady his voice as tears started to flow. “It was starting to get dark on the 14th day and…and we heard a loud dunk in the River House. We were all there for some reason. I-I don’t remember why. We heard him grunt in pain and ran for him. There was so much blood. He didn’t joke or tease us like he usually would when something was bad. We understood it was bad. His entire stomach was cut open. It was filled with faebane. Both small stones, but also powder and poison. I held his hands and laid his head in my lap. One of the girls, I didn’t catch who, winnowed to get Madja, our healer. But both me and Rhys and Az knew. Knew it was too late. We both held him as he drew his last breath.”

Y/n was again shaking like crazy in his arms. She threw up, but didn’t allow herself to sob.

“We, we didn’t know about you,” he said. Hoped it would make it better, even though he knew it wouldn’t. “We didn’t know, we would have helped you if we did. I hope you realize that.”

She didn’t answer, she just kept shaking in his arms. He laid his head on top of hers as they cried together.

Cassian lost track of how long they were out in the snow, but suddenly, Y/n stood up.

“I need to check on Flake, he’s probably freaked out over all the crying,” she almost whispered to him.

“Can I join?” Cassian asked carefully. Both because he wanted to properly see the son of his brother, his nephew, but also because he really didn’t want to leave Y/n alone right now. Y/n didn’t answer, but she didn’t close the door behind her either.

The first couple of times he had been in her house, he had found it cozy. Now he only felt nauseous. He struggled closing the door and even when he did, it felt super cold inside. There was only one bed, and it took most of the space. He felt almost guilty.

“I’m okay, Flake. I didn’t mean to scare you,” Y/n spoke softly to her son. He looked like he had been crying. He was pretty sure all three of them had blood red eyes. “Why don’t we eat something, okay?”

Flake nodded, still clinging to his mother. He was again covered in shadows and it made Cassian wish his brother was there even more. On the table stood two bowls of stew. Cassian realized he had arrived at dinner time.

While Flake sat down, Y/n found a cup and put some of the stew from her bowl over in it. She then gave the cup to Cassian. It was obvious that she only had two bowls. Cassian tried to stop her from doing it, but she didn’t listen.

“Come sit,” she told him. The second she sat down, Flake stood from his chair and sat down in his mother’s lap. Cassian then sat down on the chair Flake had used previously.

“Flake, this is Cassian,” Y/n spoke softly. Then, she hesitated a little before she continued. “He’s your uncle.” Cassian’s eyes widened at what she said. She hadn’t expected her to be so open about it. He looked over at Flake and the kid looked at him with just as wide eyes.

“Uncle?” Flake asked.

“Yes, he’s your father’s brother,” you continued and dried a couple of new tears. “He can tell you all you want to know about your father.”

Flake looked at him and didn’t really speak for a while. Both Cassian and Y/n were waiting anxiously. It was obviously a lot for Flake to take inn.

“Was he brave?” Flake then whispered. He looked down at his food as he spoke.

“Yes,” Cassian answered almost immediately. “He’s the bravest I’ve ever known.”

Flake nodded, but didn’t look up from his food. Y/n gave him a small kiss to the top of his head.

“You don’t need to ask everything right now if you don’t want to,” she told him. “I’m sure he’ll be back and answer another time. If you just want to eat, that’s okay.”

Flake spent some time thinking.

“Why is he not here?” he asked next, and Cassian couldn’t help but draw his breath. He had no idea how he could answer such a thing. He had never needed to.

“I’ll explain that better tomorrow,” Y/n spoke, and Cassian let out a sigh of relief. “Sometimes people must leave and go to heaven. That’s where your father is. So, he can’t be here right now. I’ll explain more tomorrow.”

“But he would have been here if he could?” Flake asked, looking up at his mother. Now, it was Y/n’s turn to not know what to answer.

“I-” she started, but Cassian interrupted her.

“Yes, he would have. I’m sure there is nothing he would want more.”

This time, Flake looked directly at him. Directly at him with eyes he had gotten from his father. It was almost scary how similar they were. Flake nodded at his answer, spend a couple of seconds thinking, but then he finally started eating.

Y/n looked frozen at Cassian. He realized that she had probably thought for over seven years that Azriel didn’t want to be there. That he had left. However, Cassian knew that never would have happened. He had seen his brother be an uncle. He was the favourite uncle of both Nyx and Keal. It was a period where Nyx had hated everyone, but Az. Az was the uncle he had gone to when he felt the world was unfair. As Keal had gone to Az and they had pranked both Cassian and Nesta multiple times.

Azriel knew what it was like to be a bastard, but his mother had also taught him what it was like to be the mother of a bastard. Knowing his mother’s experience, Azriel would never let someone experience something similar. He hated that Y/n had thought that is what happened.

Cassian stayed at the table as Y/n put Flake to bed. He seemed to fall asleep instantly.

“Let’s talk outside,” Y/n told him, and she gathered some wood and brought it outside.

That sat down and Y/n made a fire. They sat there, mostly in silence for a while. It had been a long day for both of them. Then, Cassian felt something wrap around his foot. A shadow.

“Flake’s a shadowsinger?” he asked. Hoping it was a correct way to start the conversation.

“I’m not really sure. He always says he can’t speak to them or control them. I don’t know if he’s just joking or if he actually mean it. However, they tend to cling to both of us, and it’s a bit weird if my seven year old feels the need to protect me.”

“What are you saying?”

“To be honest, ever since Flake started talking about the shadow and told me he couldn’t control them, I’ve thought they weren’t his, but…”

“Azriel’s,” Cassian finished for her. “Fuck.”

“Yes, and it’s so stupid, but deep down I hoped it was. I always hoped it was. I just wanted him to come back.”

She was crying again and Cassian started too.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I just wished we knew about you. We could have helped. Instead of your grandmother.”

“It’s nothing you could have done,” she answered. “He obviously didn’t want you to know.”

“Yes, but I wished he did. You so you know it, I’ve never known anything about Azriel’s love life. Never. So, it’s nothing you did wrong,” he told her and hoped she believed him.

“I feel like I have done everything wrong,” she answered and continued before Cassian could talk. “I’ve hated him. I’ve hated him for seven years and six months. I hated him for making me trust him and for then just leaving. But he was dead, fucking dead, the entire time.” She stopped to take a breath. “I don’t think you understand how stupid I’ve felt for loving a male that just disappeared.”

Cassian didn’t know what to answer.

“He was going to bring me to Velaris,” she continued. “When he finished that mission, he would come back, and we would pack and go to Velaris together. He wanted us to go there from the second he knew about the pregnancy, but I refused. I wanted to stay here for as long as possible.”

“How far along were you when he went on the mission?”

“Over six months when he left, seven when he was supposed to come back. However, he came early. Flake, I mean. He came very suddenly at seven months. I was alone. We almost died both of us. The only reason why we survived was that the shadows forced my grandmother to come.”

Cassian let out a shivering breath. He had experienced three births in his live. Nyx’, Keal’s and Vyn’s. He had seen the struggle and the pain. And even though Flake didn’t have wings, he was sure the birth had been hell.

He thought through all that she had said. Azriel was planning on bringing her to Velaris. He could imagine it. That they would just show up to family dinner or something, either while Y/n was pregnant or after she had given birth. How they’d all be confused, but happy for him. Cassian could almost imagine Azriel’s big smile as he showed off his beautiful son.

It made him realize what he needed to do.

“Come with me then,” he spoke. “Come with me to Velaris. We’ll help raise Flake all of us. We’ll get you a house and we’ll pay for everything until you have found work.”

She looked at him utterly confused and surprised.

“I can’t say yes to that, Cass. It’s way too much,” she answered and shook her head.

“No, it’s not. It would let us have a part in Flake’s life. And it would allow you to always have someone around you. It takes a village. Let us be your village,” he continued. He could see the change in her face, she was actually thinking about it. “Please Y/n. Please let us have a part in Flake’s life. Let us be his uncles and aunts. Let us help you.”

“Now you say that and promise to be back in two days to get us. I can’t take it Cassian. I can’t take it if you don’t show up.”

“Then, let’s leave now. I’ll help you pack throughout the night and when Flake wakes, I’ll fly us to Velaris.”

“You’ll fly both of us to Velaris?” she asked.

“Yes! Let’s start packing!” he stood up and reached out a hand to her. She hesitated and for a moment Cassian expected her to say no. That she needed to think about it. However, she took his hand, and they started to pack.

Cassian hated that she could pack all she and Flake owned and needed in only one backpack. It was mostly Flake’s toys and Y/n’s clothes. Flake hadn’t lived home in a while, and all his clothes were too small. Cassian had said he could get some from Vyn or they could go shopping.

“So, we have me and Nesta! We’re mates and have two sons. Keal is 19 years and Vyn is 9 years. Nesta have two sisters. Feyre is High Lady and Rhysand’s mate. They have a son named Nyx. He’s 237 years and is married to Laverna. They have Lia, she’s two and the princess of the family. The last sister is Elain, she’s mated to Lucien Vanserra. Then, we have Morrigan and Emerie. They finally got married after they pretended not to love each other for a century. And last, but certainly not least. Amren who is in a relationship with Varian. I don’t know if they are married or not, but they have been lasting for a couple of centuries now.”

“Wow…that’s a lot,” Y/n answered as she cleaned. She wanted her home to be clean when they came back for adventures. “I think I have forgotten half of it already.”

“What about you?”

“Well, I’m Y/n. I’m 253. Flake is my son and he’s seven and a half. It’s extremely important you remember the half, he’s very proud.”

“Cauldron, you’re young,” he teased her. She threw a sock at him.

“How old are you guys then? The same as Az would be?”

Would be, she swallowed nervously as she said it.

“Azriel was a year older than me and two years older than Mor and Rhys. I’m 776 and Rhys and Mor are 775. Amren is ancient, over 15000. Feyre is 258, Elain is 260 and Nesta is 262. I’m not sure about the other ages.”

Y/n nodded, still fairly deep into her own thoughts. She went and carefully picked up Flake, he was still fast asleep as Cassian picked up both of them and started to fly home.

They had been flying the entire day. Only stopping when Flake was hungry or if Cassian needed a break. Neither he nor Y/n were in the mood to eat. The overload of emotions made them both nauseous. For the most time they stayed quiet. Y/n and Flake would talk, but for the most time Flake stayed quiet. He was in awe of flying and wanted to see as much as possible. He had woken up not long after they started flying and had been awake since. It was obvious that Flake was extremely tired, but he refused to fall asleep.

They had taken one of the breaks when Cassian felt talons on his mental shield.

“Brother? Where are you?” Rhysand spoke into his mind.

Cassian felt a little guilty when he realized he hadn’t told anyone that he would stay and help Y/n move. He hoped his family was too worried and that Nesta wasn’t too mad.  

“I’ll be home in an hour or two. Y/n and her son is coming with me. We’ll explain when we get there. Can you prepare a room for them?”

“Of course,” Rhys answered.

“Everything okay?” Y/n asked him. She must have noticed his worried frown.

“Yeah, they’re just wondering where I am,” he answered honestly.

That was almost the only thing they had said to each other on the trip.

“You’re sure it’s okay that we come? I don’t want to be too much trouble,” Y/n asked as she moved to pick up Flake. He had now finally fallen asleep.

“Don’t worry,” he comforted her as he moved to pick them both up. “They’ll be happy. I promise you.”’

Y/n didn’t seem to believe him, but she nodded anyway.

Cassian had pushed through the last hour and a half without a break. He landed beside the Sidra and carefully sat down Y/n. Flake was still fast asleep in her arms.

“It’s not far now,” Cassian told her and started leading the way. The second he could see it, he pointed to the River House. “It’s over there.”

He expected Y/n to be beside him, but he turned and noticed she had stopped a few meters behind him. She seemed to be looking out over the Sidra and she was deep in thought.

“Is this the Sidra?” she asked and Cassian just nodded. “You dumped him in it once, right?”

Cassian started laughing before he even realized what she was saying. He felt so happy to know Azriel had shared that with her.

“More than once! But I did it once in the winter, he went through the ice. Cauldron, I haven’t thought about that in ages.” He looked over the Sidra and remembered all the memories he had, both with his brother and the rest of his family. Both happy memories and bad ones.

After a couple of minutes, Y/n turned to him.

“I’m ready,” she told him and they started walking to the River House immediately.

He opened the front door and was about to say hello when Nesta almost threw herself at him. After the day he had, he held her even tighter than usual. He spent some time just smelling her hair.

“I hate you,” she told him and he understood that he had worried her. However, before he could start apologising, Nesta let go of him and looked directly at Y/n. “Let’s go to the living room. The rest is waiting there.” Nesta stayed close to Cassian as they walked. She held his hand in a comforting manner. It was like she already knew what they were going to tell them. Already knew how hard the last 24 hours have been.

Y/n stayed silent and walked a couple of steps behind them. Maybe he shouldn’t cling too much to his mate, when Y/n had just learned that her lover was dead. He didn’t want to rub it in, but at the same time, he missed just being with his mate. He was definitely taking a week off when this was over.

Feyre and Rhys stood in the middle of the living room. Mor and Amren stood on each side of them. He was glad that the rest of the family members weren’t there. He didn’t want to overwhelm Y/n even more. He wasn’t really sure how she hadn’t collapsed yet. He himself was very close to sleeping for a week straight.

“I didn’t mean to worry you,” Cassian told his family as they walked into the living room. They only looked at him with different levels of deadly eyes. However, the second Y/n walked in behind him, with Flake, their eyes softened. He had realized that the shadows would tell them a lot. They were flying around and almost embraced all of them. Almost like saying hello to old friends.

“Hello, Y/n,” Rhysand spoke, it was obvious he tried to not let the shadow confuse him. “I’m glad to see you’re okay.”

However, she didn’t really look okay at all. Her eyes were still red from crying, and she looked exhausted. Cassian didn’t even let her protest as he carefully took Flake from her sore arms and forced her to sit down in a chair. He laid Flake down on the couch and made sure he laid comfortably. Y/n looked at him very nervously, she was ready to jump up from the chair and get to Flake if she needed it.

Cassian sat down in the chair beside Y/n. He realized they should have discussed this before. How they were going to tell them.

“We can take it tomorrow if you just want to eat and sleep,” he reassured her.

“I don’t think I can sleep this stressed,” she almost whispered back.

“Then, just tell us. Tell us what you want to. And if you want to stop, just stop. This is entirely up to you.”

Y/n looked at him almost gratefully. The rest of his family sat down and waited patiently for Y/n to start speaking.

“About thirteen years ago now, I noticed Azriel was spying on me. I corned him and threatened him to stop. He answered by offering me a position as a spy for the Night Court. I agreed. A couple of years later we started to train together and slowly, we fell in love, except we were too stupid to realize it. Then, I had a mission go very wrong and when I finally got home from the healers, Azriel would spy on me and every time I moved he would come and help,” she took a small break and laughed a little at that. A very sad laugh. She didn’t cry, but she also didn’t look at any of them. “He was very angry I got hurt and when I confronted him about it, he eventually told me he loved me. He basically lived at my house for a week after that.”

She took a deep and shaky breath before she continued. Cassian knew what was coming, but he still hated it. The rest of his family looked confused, but they listened quietly.

“Azriel went on a mission and…I realized I was pregnant. I freaked out, quit my job and ran to stay at my grandmother’s house. He kept away until I broke down. I was four months pregnant when he came and carried my back home to my home. He stayed with me then.”

She took another deep breath. This one was a lot sharper than the last one. She had started to shake, but still kept the tears at bay.

“Azriel went on a mission when I was seven months pregnant. He said it would last three weeks, but I made him promise that he would be back after two.” She stopped again and when she continued, she spoke twice as fast. “He didn’t come back. I gave birth early. I waited a month for him to come, but he didn’t. I…I didn’t know he died. I promise I wouldn’t have kept Flake from you if I did.”

Cassian realized that last statement came from his accusations of her when he first learned of Flake.

Y/n finished talking but still looked down in her lap. He knew about it, but her story still made him teary eyed. Nesta held his hand even tighter than before, he didn’t dare to look at her. He knew that if she was crying, he would sob. Amren sat there extremely quiet, almost no emotion on her face. Feyre looked at Rhys and Rhys look directly at Cassian, wide eyed. Then, Rhys moved and looked at Flake, before he looked back at Cassian.

However, it was Mor that moved. She had tear-streaks going down her face and she brushed away some of her tears as she moved towards Y/n. She sat down before her and slowly embraced her. Y/n was confused for a couple of seconds, but then the first sob of many left her.

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The familiar feeling of uncomfortable excitement before a battle hit Cassian. Viviane had gathered 100 Winter Court warriors, and they were ready to put an end to the camps. Cassian hoped the children weren’t brainwashed enough to fight back. He hoped they would join willingly and get back to their parents. That they weren’t too far into the Illyrian mindset of honour in battle.

They had parted into ten groups. Rhys, Kallias, Viviane, Y/n and himself were all in different groups.

Even though it was midnight, the snow made it easy to see and hard to sneak up. Moving around as a group of ten made a lot of sound in the crunchy snow. However, that was the plan. They hoped to confuse the awake warriors by coming into the camp from ten different places.

He and his group were coming in through the training ring. If the camp was set up like an Illyrian camp, the sleeping halls for the youngest children would be not far from the training ring. Their task was to get as many kids as possible out and to the healers. Cassian would stay watch and take down any warriors that fought against them.

They moved slowly at the start. The closer they got to the camp, the faster they walked. The second they got past all the trees and into the actual camp, they started running to the closest building. On the other side of the camp, he could see Y/n’s group doing the same.

It wasn’t a sturdy building. It felt more like a big tent with big logs holding it up. On the ground maybe 50 kids laid sleeping. Or pretending to sleep. Cassian was sure they had woken as he and his group made their way in. Cassian stood and watched the entry as the rest of his group woke the kids. They got shushed gently and asked to make their way outside. The youngest looked only five years old and Cassian remembered back to his first years at Windhaven where he had spent the nights in a tent.

It was even colder here than it was in Windhaven. They understood they had to act quickly when they understood that some of the kids weren’t just very good at pretending to be asleep.

Some had frozen to death.

“HEY!”

The sounds of heavy boots in the snow caught Cassian’s attention. He looked away from the tent and towards the twenty Illyrian warriors that were running towards them.

About half of the kids had gotten out of the camp, while the rest were still in the tent. He only hoped they would stay there and that the sight of battle wouldn’t traumatize them.

Cassian fought safely. He fought not to kill, but to harm and slow down. The Illyrians were only teens, some on the age of his son, some younger.  They had no siphons and had not completed the blood rite. He would not kill when his opponents where not even adults.

They fought back good but lacked the experience of real battle. Cassian and his group didn’t have to fight a lot before ten of the teens had flew away, and the ten others were tied together inside the tent.

“This way,” he spoke softly as he held the door of the tent open and pointed out the way for all the kids. It surprised him, but it was both boys and girls that left the tent, ready to get home to their parents. Most of them were crying silently. They were terrified.

Especially one boy caught Cassian’s eye. He was smaller than the rest but seemed the same age. His skin was too dark to be fully winter. His eyes were hazel. A deep hazel that reflected so much light and hope. The boy was crying louder than the rest. He was shaking from terror. Cassian hoped the boy had a caring family that was waiting for him.

Cassian crunched down before the boy as he walked out the tent.

“It’s going to be okay,” he whispered to him. And made sure he got out of the tent easily.

He was about to tell the boy that he soon would be back with his mother, but a scream stopped him from speaking.

Cassian quickly stood up and looked to the camp. In the middle, the winter court soldiers were fighting what seemed like the leaders of the camp. It was bloody. It seemed like Viviane and Y/n was in the middle. He could see Kallias and Rhysand make their way towards the fight.

Cassian didn’t hesitate as he joined them as well.

Y/n had beaten him in battle twice. She had beat him even when he did his best. However, she was struggling, and it was obvious. She was limping and her grip was weak around the knifes in her hands.

He ran up to her and took over the fight.

“Leave, go help the kids out,” he told her and to his total surprise, she did what he told her.

She must have been totally exhausted, he realized.

The battle had been going on for over three hours before the last illyrians gave up. They had luckily managed to win it without needing to kill. The leaders of the camps were now prisoners of the Winter Court and they would decide the fitting punishment.

They spent the rest of the night taking down the tents and the rest of the camp. They start knocking down the main house. The house Y/n had been tortured in.

Y/n!

“Where is Y/n?” Cassian asked Viviane when he realized he hadn’t seen her in a while.

“I sent her home with her son the second she found him,” she explained. “They need some time together. Y/n was anyway to hurt to help.”

Cassian nodded and decided he had to check on her in not too long. He felt extremely relieved that Y/n had gotten her son safe back home. He couldn’t imagine not knowing if his sons were okay. It made him want to go home even more than before.

Dawn was closing when they arrived back at the Night Court. Rhys gave him a small pat on the back and almost fell right into Feyre’s open arms. Cassian couldn’t wait to do the same with Nesta.

However, it was Keal who met him first. He looked tired and Cassian knew his son probably hadn’t slept much.

“Come here,” he said and hugged him. “It’s over now. All the kids are back with their families.” All the kids that survived at least.

Keal nodded into his arms and Cassian knew it would take him a couple of days to open up about his fears. In the meantime, he would keep his sons at home. Both to make sure they were okay, but also because he himself needed to hold them for a while.

Nesta walked onto the balcony and joined their small hug. It was unusual for her to be up so early, unless he was dragging her to training. He melted into the arms of his family, only missing Vyn.

Keal eventually went to bed and Nesta and Cassian went to relax a little as well.

Cassian explained all that had happened. How they had found out Y/n was kidnapped, and a mystery force had showed them the way to her and the camp. How Kallias and Viviane had joined them and that they had gotten the kids out. He told her about the little boy with the hazel eyes that was crying louder than the rest.

“He reminded you of Az, didn’t he?” she asked him carefully.

He only nodded back, not willing to discuss it further. He ended by telling her that Y/n had gotten her son back and that they left early.

“I don’t think I would have survived not knowing where my sons were,” Nesta told him. “She seems like an extremely strong female. I hope she and her son is okay.”

“I thought I would visit tomorrow to make sure they’re okay. To help her if she needs time to heal. But, today,” he threw his arms around Nesta and pulled her into his lap, “I’m going to kiss my mate so many times, our sons wish they didn’t leave camp.”

Nesta laughed as he started going exactly that.

Cassian left home and started to fly towards the Winter Court. Rhys and Mor had asked him if he wanted them to winnow him, but he wanted to fly. It would be a nice training and the weather in the courts were very nice that day. He flew near the coast and the wind under his wings felt freeing. He felt lighter than he had in a while. The kids were safe. Both his own, but also the kids from the Winter court.

As he flew, he prepared himself. He needed to be soft and quiet, something he wasn’t used to. Your son had been in the camps; he was probably terrified of illyrians. Cassian needed to make sure he didn’t scare him.

He stopped before the boarder to the Winter Court and put on an extra jacket, ready for the cold to hit him.

He started to fly towards the middle of the Winter Court. It was surprisingly warm that day. It was almost wind still, so the cold wasn’t as biting as it usually was.

The second he saw your home, he decided to land. He figured it was easier to not scare your child if he was walking with his wings tight to his back. When he was about ten meters away, the front door opened, and a boy ran outside. He sat down in the snow and started to play.

Cassian got two meters closer and realized it was the crying boy from the tent. He got quite surprised but didn’t really know what to feel. As Cassian was only five meters away, he both saw and felt it.

The boy was looking directly at him, but he didn’t seem to look scared.

Cassian couldn’t explain the feeling. The realization.

The boy had too pale skin for an Illyrian, but it was too dark to be only from winter. The hazel eyes gave him away. And also, the black hair should have told Cassian everything he needed to know.

However, it was the shadows that made him understand it.

The boy in front of him was covered in shadows. He was playing with them, talking with them.

7 years and 6 months ago

As you entered 31 weeks of your pregnancy, everything became harder.

Azriel had been gone for two weeks, and you had been ready for him to come back less than an hour after he left. Walking around, trying to find easy tasks to do was harder than with Azriel by your side. You were restless. It felt like something was wrong.

But your babe was kicking away, enjoying the warm home inside your stomach. It comforted you.

You had spent the entire day nesting. It was like your body and mind knew something you didn’t. You picked up all your bedding and blankets and put it on the floor. You tested it felt comfortable, but you weren’t happy, so you found all your thickest clothing and laid it on top. When you tested it again, it felt more comfortable. You realized it wouldn’t be better. You only felt total comfort with Azriel beside you.

It had gotten dark. You went around lightning candles, the fireplace was already burning. The heat felt amazing.

Then, you sat down at the table. Not to eat, no, you were too worried to eat. You just sat there and tried to calm yourself down as you shook your foot.

Suddenly, you felt extremely hot. So hot, you had to take off your sweater. However, only seconds later you started to freeze.

You reached to put your sweater on again, but you never got that far.

One second you sat at the table and the next, you were screaming on the floor. The floor that felt hard and cold under you.

Your heart.

Your heart was burning. It was breaking. It felt what you imagined getting stabbed in the heart felt like. Someone was holding your heart and tearing it apart.

You couldn’t breathe as you were screaming on the floor. It was agonizing. Something was very wrong. Fundamentally wrong.

“Please,” you sobbed. “Please.”

You didn’t know what you were begging for. Maybe for the pain to stop. Maybe for an explanation.

Your heart felt like shattered glass. Every breath hurt. Something had taken a hold around your chest and refused to let go.

Empty.

You felt utterly empty.

However, then, the pain moved. It moved away from your heart and chest and into your stomach. Your lower stomach to be exact. Your water broke and you screamed even louder than before. This time also from fear.

You weren’t going to give birth for another three months.

Your entire body shook as you moved to take off your pants. They were soaked.

“Please,” you sobbed once again and it seemed like it was the only thing you were able to do. The only word you were able to say.

Your chest was still on fire as you moved stand on your knees. You held yourself up by leaning your chest onto the chair in front of you. The chair you had just been stilling on.

A more guttural scream left your lips. The pressure felt extreme.

You held onto the chair as you sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. Your chest tightened even more, and you almost felt like you were going to pass out.

You have no idea how long to were holding onto the chair like you were holding onto your life. It certainly felt like you were dying. All was wrong. Fundamentally wrong. However, you didn’t know what it was.

“Please,” you scream as you feel the overwhelming need to press.

It was like your body and mind no longer was a safe place for your babe. It needed to get out. You managed to breathe easier as you concentrated on something else than the hole in your chest.

You pushed and pushed and pushed. You don’t remember what happened. You only remembered the sight and feeling of pain. The blackening of your sight and the lethal fire in your chest. At some point you moved from holding onto the chair to hold your hands under you.

You gave one last push and used all the power you had. As your sight blackened and your body gave up, you collapsed into the nest you made, holding onto your babe for dear life, just to make sure you son at least stayed warm against you.

7 years ago

You had spit-up in your hair and tears in your eyes as you woke up to your son crying for the fifth time that night.

He wouldn’t calm down.

You had tried everything.

You sat up slowly, realizing you had fallen asleep, or maybe passed out, on the floor.

“Shhh,” you cooed as you held him in your arms. “Mommy’s here. You don’t need to worry.” You started to rock him carefully. He wore a star onesie. It was the sixed one you had made him. He seemed to be growing up way too quickly. “Shhh, just relax. Nothing to cry about.” You did your best until the first tear left your eye. “Please, just sleep, Flake.” You sobbed.

Nothing about the last six months had been easy. You had lived the first month in denial, refusing to believe he wouldn’t come back. However, now you had started to realize he was actually not coming back. That he had tricked you. He had gotten through your shell, into the deepest parts of your heart, and then crushed it. And even though it made the heartbreak feel worse, you knew you’d never throw him out of your heart. You knew he was there to stay.

The only easy parts had been when your son was sleeping and lately, he had slept less and less.

“Please,” you begged. You begged your son to sleep, but you also begged for anyone to come help you.

Slowly, cold tendrils curled around your arms. They carefully made you lay your babe down in the homemade crib. Shadows curled around your babe, and he immediately quieted down. He didn’t close his eyes but were curiously looking at the weird shadows around him.

One of the shadows kissed the back of your ear before it dragged you by your arm towards the bed. You laid down and wondered for a second if you were imagining the creatures.

However, you fell asleep too quickly to decide if they were real or not.

5 years ago

The beautiful sound of child laughter hit you the second you walked into your home. Your son was sitting on the floor, laughing as his shadows flew around him, tickling him in various places.

“Mommy!” he yelled as he ran to your arms, still laughing. He picked him up as he jumped at you. “They’re doing it again!”

You let out a small laugh and brushed your hands over his small legs to get the shadows away.

“They’re only trying to play,” you answer him. Flake looked up at you with his huge hazel eyes. Those eyes always made you smile. Smile because you knew you’d always love those hazel eyes. But it always also gave your heart a squeeze of grief. Longing after the person that gave him those eyes. “It’s not their fault you’re so ticklish!” You started to tickle him, and he laughed even louder. Almost screaming as he tried to get out of your arms.

As you tickled him, you felt the shadows try to tickle you. However, you had never been particularly ticklish. You abruptly ended the tickling of your son as you realize that if you aren’t ticklish…he probably was.

“Now, go play and I’ll make dinner,” you kissed the top of his head and sat him down on the floor. He immediately started running around in the small space of your home.

You started cutting up vegetables, ready to make a stew. You got interrupted every couple of minutes. “Mommy! Look!”, “I’m hungry”, “Mommy, can we play?”, “Mommy?”, “Mommy?”, “Mommy?”.

The second you sat the food on the table; he quieted down and started to eat. He always sat in your lap at dinner time. Sometimes, he would speak about all and everything while you ate, other times he sat quiet and savoured the warmth of the food. Dinner was your favourite time of the day.

“Remember to blow on it, it’s hot,” you told him as you ate together. After eaten the food he made for months, going back to your boring dinners had been hard, however now you had gotten better. The food started to be enjoyable and not only edible.

“Mmmm,” Flake said and blew on the food. He spit more on it than blew and you felt you were happy you didn’t need to eat it.

After dinner, it was bathtime and you went outside together to collect a lot of snow. You heated up half of it and used the other part to make the water a nice temperature for Flake. You scrubbed his skin carefully with the water. He became sleepier and sleepier the longer he spent in the warm water. You picked him up and wrapped him into a big towel. You had the cutest kid in the entire world. You held him for a while, held him while he fell asleep in your arms.

You laid him down in your shared bed and spent some time just looking at him. He looked so peaceful and happy, and it meant everything to you. Carefully, shadows twirled around your body before they tightened carefully around your waist. It felt like a hug. Then, one of them kissed the back of your ear and you stood up quickly, brushing them away as you barely held back tears.

1 year ago

The second the letter appeared you felt extreme terror. You knew it was coming, but you had hoped it would be a while longer.

Y/n,

Flake is going to a sleepover this weekend too. However, I thought you could come to dinner 5 o’clock on Thursday. We could make it a weekly thing.

Madam Snowthorne

Your hands shook of terror and anger. Anger that she was taking your son and holding him away from you. Terror that if you didn’t let her, your son would be left with only you. Terrified that if something went wrong your son would run and make a life for himself on his own. Terrified that your son would go through the same struggles as you. Terrified he would feel as alone as you.

You knew what Lilith meant. Flake would be staying with her from now on and you were kindly welcomed into their home for dinner once a week. It had only been a couple of months since Flake started staying with Lilith in the weekdays. It had now been three weeks since you last saw him. He was busy every weekend with either sports or sleepovers.

You were not going to refuse him to get friends and be social. That was your biggest dream growing up, you would not destroy it for your son.

As you sobbed, shadows tried to hug you and this time, you let them.

Two days later you stood outside and knocked on the door. You heard the excited screak and relief filled your body as you realized Flake was safe. The door opened and he basically jumped at you. You caught him and did a couple of turns with him in your arms.

“Mommy, I have soooooo much to tell you,” Flake started as he sat down in your lap and he didn’t stop. You sometimes even had to remind him of taking breaths. He spoke and spoke and spoke. You learned about his friends at school and his imaginary friends. You learned he had learned to read, and he could now write all the letters of the alphabet. You learned he often had snowball-fights in the breaks at school and that he was the champion of his class.

He told you about a nightmare he had, and you hated yourself for not being there to hold him through it. Flake also told you that the shadows had comforted him and that his new teddy bear had sung him to sleep.

You had used as long time as possible eating up your dinner. Lilith had finished after five minutes, and Flake had been too into telling you about his week that he forgot to eat.

Then came the crying. You had promised yourself to not cry before after you had left, and you kept that promise. However, the second Flake understood you had to go, he started to almost scream. He cried and cried and cried. He sat in your lap as Lilith said it was bedtime. He refused to listen to her. He begged her to let him stay up longer with you.

When Lilith didn’t listen, he turned to you. You silently looked at Lilith, hoping she would let you stay. She only shook her head firmly.

Deep down, you knew it was for Flake’s own good, but each week you left him, your heart and open wound tore apart even more.

Azriel would never have allowed this to happen.

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8 years ago

It wasn’t easy leaving behind the home you had made for yourself. However, you knew it was what you had to do.

Azriel would arrive back tomorrow and you knew had to leave before that. You had stayed at home as long as possible, but it was time you faced your actions and went back to your grandmother. It would be safer for you to continue the pregnancy there.

Even though you knew you had the possibility, terminating the pregnancy felt wrong. You had already grown attached to the little babe in your stomach, even though it had you throwing up 24/7 for the entire last week.

You cleaned up before you left. You were prepared to not be back in a long time.

You laid the handmade mittens on the table. Under it was a note that only stood that you were sorry together with an official statement that you were quitting your job as a spy. You didn’t really know what you were sorry about. However, you had decided that leaving him was better than him leaving you.

You let out a sigh, dried your tears and started walking to your grandmother’s house. You only hoped she would let you live to see tomorrow.

7 years and 11 months ago

The last few weeks had been hard. Your grandmother had been disappointed but not surprised when you came home pregnant with a bastard babe. She was even less surprised when she learned that the father was also a bastard. She had since spread rumours to make it look like she was the most amazing and kind-hearted because she took you in again, even though you had been the worst child and even though she risked harming her reputation.

You had no choice but to listen to all the comment every time you walked out of the door.

Even when you went to the healers.

“Make sure to be kind to your grandmother,” the healer said. “I heard about how the father of your babe was attacking you and how she bravely saved both you and your babe. She’s so kind.” Even hearing that people thought Azriel had harmed you made you nauseous. However, who would listen to you and not your grandmother?

So, you continued as normal and tried not to let the comments harm you.

“You’re about one and a half months along,” the healer said. “It looks normal, even though it’s a bastard.”

“Does it have wings?” you asked, realizing that the babe could look more like the father than you.

The healer gave you a judging look but eventually told you the babe looked “normal”.

You realized it made your situation a little easier. Or, at least your babe’s life would be easier. Living in the Winter Court with Illyrian wings wouldn’t be easy.

However, you also realized you probably got pregnant the first night you and Azriel slept together. Which felt highly unfair. To get pregnant the day you lose your virginity shouldn’t be allowed.

7 years and 9 months

4 months.

You had been pregnant for almost four months. You had also been throwing up daily for that period. You had lost quite a bit of weight even though you probably should gain some.

For each day that went by, you regretted leaving Azriel. However, you didn’t know if you would survive it if he left you. He probably would have left you eventually. He never asked for a babe. You didn’t either, but it was your choice whether to keep it or not.

Lilith enjoyed it better than anyone. She said her pregnancy with your father had been the easiest and that you were having so many symptoms because you were a bastard. You knew that wasn’t true, but it didn’t help that your healer absolutely agreed with her.

“Why can’t you get up and do your work? I’m not letting you stay here to dirty up my home,” Lilith spat at you as she walked past your room.

She had started to expect you to work fulltime as a servant, however you had not energy. Nothing at all. It was ages since you had kept a meal down. You lived on only liquids you had gotten from your healer. And that was after you had begged for a month, saying that you were starving.

The liquids gave you enough to survive, but you still felt like you had gotten hit by a falling tree most of the time.

You knew the consequences wouldn’t be worth it. So, you made your way out of bed and into the living room, ready to clean the floors.

It went well for about two seconds. Then, you smelled the soap and immediately had to throw up. You were heaving as you emptied your stomach. You hated to admit that it came out everywhere. Mouth and nose and you even peed yourself.

You struggled to breathe as you felt Lilith pull your hair.

You screamed and tried to get he to let go, but she just pulled you away from your mess and into the nearest bathroom.

“Absolutely useless,” she said and closed the door as she left.

You were still struggling to breathe. You leaned over the toilet and managed to get the worst out of your nose. You than leaned back and cooled down on the side of the tub.

“You can do it,” you whispered to yourself. “It’s worth it. All the pain will be worth it.” However, your positive mindset didn’t last very long. You started to sob uncontrollably. “I can’t do this. Please help me.”

You kept sobbing for quite a while before you suddenly became too cold. You sat up to get away from the cold tub, but it didn’t help. You looked down and it was shadows that were curling up your legs. They immediately stopped and rested around your stomach.

It took you a while to realize that if it was shadows there, Azriel probably wasn’t far away. The fact that he would see you like this, paler and puked out, made you stress. You tried to brush from of your sweaty hair away from your face.

You almost screamed as he suddenly stood before you.

He didn’t even let you say anything before he fell to his knees and embraced you. Even though it was months since you last were in his arms, they felt as comforting as ever. You couldn’t hold it in anymore and started to sob uncontrollably in his arms.

“Shhh, I’ve got you,” he whispered into your hair, and you were almost certain he was crying as well. “It’s going to be okay, snowflake. Just breathe.”

He held you until you managed to control your breathing and stop sobbing as hard. You were still crying, but you could at least breathe.

“I’m sorry,” you whispered to him.

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Azriel told you as he brushed some of your sweaty hair away from your face. “I should have gotten here sooner. I tried to stay away since you left. I didn’t want to scare you, but I should have gotten here a lot sooner.”

“I’m pregnant,” you told him softly through the tears.

“I now, Flake,” he answered with a small laugh. “The shadows told me, and I’ve never been happier. But now we’re going to get you out of this horrible house, okay?”

You will never forget the utterly terrified look on your grandmother’s face as she saw Azriel carry you out of the bathroom. He carried you all the way to your bedroom. His shadows showed the way, so you didn’t need to say anything.

In the bedroom, he carefully helped you out of your dirty clothes and into a pair of pyjamas. Neither one of you spoke, you only calmed down in each other’s presence. When your clothes had been changed and your small bag packed, he picked you up again and shadowwalked you to your home in the woods.

If smelled of him.

“Get some sleep,” he told you and kissed the back of your ear as he laid you down in your bed. He laid down beside you and tucked you tightly against him. “I’ll be here when you wake.”

7 years and 8 months ago

You had never in your life imagined you would be pregnant. However, you never would have guessed it would be such a calm time. Now that you didn’t have to live with your grandmother, the pregnancy had turned into something beautiful. You had stopped throwing up about a week ago and even though it still was some foods you couldn’t handle the smell of you could eat almost anything.

You also had the most amazing boyfriend that took care of you, day and night. He had taken almost an entire month off work, just to make sure you were doing okay and were able to relax. He had found a different healer, a healer that knew about pregnancy in all the courts, that was taking care of you. She would come by every second week to make sure the babe grew as it should.

The time at your grandmother’s house had stressed you enough to not be able to nourish the babe enough. However, now it was growing like it should.

Azriel also made sure you always had food and tea and sweets. You had never really liked sweets. Or, that’s what you told yourself. You had never given yourself the luxury to buy sweets. However, hot chocolate and chocolate milk was the best thing you had ever tastes. Azriel loved that it had become a part of your weekly routine to change out your evening tea with hot chocolate sometimes.

Even though Azriel sometimes left to be with his family, he spent most of the time glued to your side. You didn’t mind at all. His presence was all you needed.

“I’ll get started on dinner,” he told you and gave you a small kiss before he started cooking. Azriel was very strict about that. You were making an actual fae in your body, he would make the food.

In the evenings you would nalbind various items. Both for yourself and Azriel, but also the babe. You made a onesie in the shape of a star. You were sure you would die of cuteness the second your child would wear it. It was worth it though.

You would sit or lay with your feet in Azriel’s lap. He would always hold at least one hand on your feet. He would usually read. Both reports for work, but also books for fun. Some nights, he would just sit and watch you. Sit and watch you work. Sit and study how you bit your tung as you concentrated.

“Will you teach me it?” he asked. “Nalbinding.”

Even though his request surprised you, you didn’t hesitate to sit down in his lap and teach him.

“So, you use a thread that’s about two meters long. You tie a small knot around your thumb,” you show him. “Then you take the other end of the thread and thread the needle. You take the thread around your thumb and through the loop you have on your thumb. Then you have two loops on your thumb.” You stopped explaining to make sure he was following along. He nodded for you to continue. “Then, you do the same so that you have three loops on your finger. Here comes the exciting part. You take the first loop off your thumb. Then you thread the needle through it, twist it and thread through the two loops on your thumb. You now have three loops once more.”

He looked utterly confused. You couldn’t help but laugh.

“Hey! Don’t laugh at me! It’s hard!” he laughed back. However, his protest only made you laugh louder.

Love was visible in Azriel’s eyes as he leaned in and kissed you passionately.

“I want to laugh with you for the rest of my live,” he spoke.

You were about to tell him the same back, but something interrupted you. A small kick. A sign of life inside your stomach.

You laughed even louder, hand resting on your stomach. The more you laughed, the more the babe moved.

“What is it?” Azriel asked. He looked confused and did his best to not let his worry show.

You grab his hand and press it against your stomach. His confused look suddenly became wide eyed. Tears pressed in his eyes and the sight made you cry as well.

“We’re going to be parents!”

7 years and 7 months

“Three weeks?” you asked him. You were two weeks into your sixth month of pregnancy. With only four months left, you had started to become…clingy. Everywhere Azriel went, you were only a couple of steps behind.

“I’m sorry, snowflake,” he answered. His arms wrapped around you and you rested your head into his chest as you cried. “It’s the last mission I’m doing before the babe comes. I promise. When I come back, we’ll pack and go to Velaris for the birth, okay?”

Azriel had wanted you to go to Velaris the second he found out you were pregnant. However, you knew that when you left, it would be maybe years until you were back in your home. So, you had wanted to stay for as long as possible. However, the last week had been hard. You struggled to do everyday tasks, and the healer had put you on bedrest.

“Three weeks are way too long!” you told him. It felt like the world was going under.

“Max of three weeks, Flake,” he tried to comfort you. He brushed your hair away from your face as shadows dried your tears. “I’ll do all I can to make sure I finish after two weeks. I promise.” He kissed your forehead. “I don’t leave until the morning. We’re going to cuddle the entire night.”

Even six months pregnant, he still picked you up and sat you down on his lap. You curled up and leaned into him. He wrapped his arms, wings and shadows around you. It was like a cocoon of safety. You hoped your babe was feeling as comfortable and loved as you were.

“I’ll be back before you know it, my sweet snowflake,” he whispered and kissed the back for your ear. “Then, we’ll have the rest of our lives together.”

You fell asleep in his arms and when you said goodbye the next morning, neither one of you knew it would be the last time you saw each other.

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Drip. Drip. Drip.

You woke and lost almost all hope when you realized you were still tied in the dungeon.

“Stupid,” you whispered to yourself. You closed your eyes and leaned your head back. Your head felt like it was going to explode. All the hits to your face had made your eyes puffy. You struggled seeing.

You were sure at least five of your fingers were broken. Your foot was in a weird angle.

Luckily, it seemed like they had stopped when you passed out. However, you were sure the break wouldn’t last much longer now that you were awake.

They wanted to know who sent you. You tried to act like an innocent that randomly walked by, but they didn’t believe you. After you had killed five of the ten illyrians, you understood that they didn’t think you accidently walked past.

The boy had gotten away though. You had held them away long enough for him to run. You only hoped they didn’t catch him again. You hoped he had a mother that was currently holding and comforting him.

The illyrians in the woods were teens, however the ones in interrogating and torturing you were grown men. It at least told you that the camps where not only a joke, they were the real deal.

It only made you worry more about your son.

“The longer you sleep the longer they’ll stay away,” a soft and homely voice spoke.

“You’re not here,” was your only answer. Your voice was quiet and horse. You remembered all the screaming you had done. Cauldron you were thirsty.

He crunched down before you. His hand resting on your check.

“You need to survive this, for our son,” Azriel spoke just as softly.

“My son,” you hissed back. “He’s my son”

He looked hurt, but quickly shook the feeling from his eyes.

“Stay strong for your son. You’ll get him back and then you won’t need to give him away again. But to do that you’ll have to survive.”

However, the pain and the exhaustion were too much for you to understand what he was saying.

“Why did you leave us?” your voice was now shaky from the tears. Cauldron, you had wanted to ask him that for years. Seven years and six months to be exact. You had imagined so many answers. That he was too scared or that he had found someone better. Maybe that he was kept away by dark magic. That he never cared…

You looked up at him and he was crying as well.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I would have been there if I could, but I’m being forced away. I promise you, I would have been there. But I’m so proud of you. Our…your son is perfect.”

That made you cry. Even though you were far gone, you weren’t far enough to not realize that is exactly what you imagined him saying. However, it brought you comfort.

“I named him Flake,” you told him quietly.

“I know,” he laughed through the tears. He once again cupped your face, and you leaned into his hand. “I know, my snowflake.”

You started sobbing into his hand. His soft, big and beautiful hand. The hand that was meant to hold yours. It was warm. You don’t know if you only imagined it or if it actually got hotter in your cell.

“Please don’t leave,” you begged him. The desperation in your voice was clear. “Please, I can’t do this.”

“Yes, you can. I know you can. Please, don’t give up now. You’ve gotten so far.”

You heard distant steps getting closer.

“No, no, no, please don’t. Please stop them. Please!”

“I can’t. I’m sorry, but I can’t. Cass and Rhys are on their way,” he answered and he was almost sobbing as much as you.

“Why aren’t you? Why aren’t you on your way? Please just tell me what I did wrong! Did I cross a line? Please, just don’t leave me!”

“I’m sorry, snowflake,” he answered and after giving you a small kiss to the back of your ear, he disappeared.

You were left alone, sobbing in your cell and forced to take another round of torture.

“Walk,” the Illyrian told you. They had been kind enough to break your foot back to the right angle, but it still hurt like crazy. They had now untied you and dragged you up on your feet. They held you, one warrior on each side of you. They told you to walk, but mostly they dragged you out and up the stairs. Each step hurt, but you tried to be positive. At least they had let you out of your cell.

You were still confused. Confused about the hallucination of your previous lover. Your heart felt broken. It was almost as if he had played with something inside you that never really grew. It only broke and broke…and then broke some more.

You stopped in the middle of something that looked like a throne room. There were guards in every direction. Not many other people were present. In the middle of the room sat an Illyrian male on the throne.

They threw you to the floor in front of him.

“Well, well, well, who do we have here?” the male asked.

“She interrupted our discipline of a recruit. She killed five warriors in training and let the boy escape,” one of your tortures spoke. They continued to say how you had withstood the torture, which made you proud, and that you refused to tell them who had sent you.

You would usually have done your best to listen to all that they were saying, but something else had caught your attention.

Talons on your mental shield. Mental shields were something you had learned from a daemati you met on your travels. And cauldron you were happy about it now. You used all the force you had to keep up the shield, however the daemati was picking it apart piece by piece. Not in a painful manner, which surprised you, but you still weren’t happy about it. In the end, you had to give up and let the daemati in.

“My, my, you’ve gotten yourself into quite a difficult position,” a voice spoke directly into your brain. At first you expected the daemati to be the male on the throne, but you now understood that it was not. His voice did at least not match his appearance. You tried to look around the room to find out who it was, but you soon got your answer. “I’m not in that room. I’m Rhysand, Cassian and I are here to get you out.”

You remembered your hallucination of Azriel telling you that Rhys and Cass where on their way. You almost gasped when you realized that was true.

“In fifteen seconds, I’ll break a window on the other side of the room. You’ll have to run and jump out the open window on your left.” Your eyes widened as you recalled how many flights of stairs you had walked up, jumping would kill you. “No, it won’t kill you. We’ll catch you. I’ll count down. Five, four, three, two, one.”

You were running even before you heard the window break. You didn’t have time to think about what you were doing. You felt a hand grab your shirt, but you just ran and didn’t care. Your shirt ripped, but the hand let go of you as you flung yourself out of the window.

For a few milliseconds you were certain you would die. You almost screamed as you were falling. Then, you hit something hard. Strong arms wrapped around you and stopped you from falling. Now, you were going up instead. Deep down, you knew it wasn’t, but your first thought was that you were in the safe arms of Azriel. However, then the smell of the person hit you and you realized that it was Cassian. You were happy that had saved you, but a little upset it wasn’t Azriel.

You flew in silence for a while, and eventually you landed outside your house.

“Thank you,” you told Cassian as he sat you down on your feet. However, you used him to lean on. “I can’t really stand.” He nodded at your words and wrapped an extra sweater around you. With only your ripped shirt covering, you were freezing, so the sweater helped a lot.

A second person suddenly stood beside you. You didn’t need to wonder who it was. Rhysand, the High Lord of the Night Court. He both looked and felt powerful. You moved to bow, but Cassian held you tight.

“It’s okay, you don’t need to bow,” he said and nodded towards Rhysand.

“We should get you to a healer,” Rhysand said and made his way towards you.

“No, I can’t leave. I need to get to-”

However, steps in the crunchy snow interrupted you. Before you stood a Winter Court soldier. He was dressed in the normal uniform and bowed deeply in front of Rhysand.

“High Lord,” he spoke and gave both you and Cassian small nods. “My High Lord and High Lady have requested your presence.”’

Even though they didn’t make any sounds, you could almost feel Cassian’s and Rhysand’s need to sigh. It was obvious that getting caught was not the plan. They shared an annoyed look.

“Lead the way,” Rhysand smiled, and the warrior took hold of Cassian and Rhysand while they held you and you winnowed to the Winter Court palace.

They landed in the throne room in the palace. Your High Lord and High Lady were indeed waiting for you. Even though Cassian again tried to hold you in place, you gave them a small bow.

“Please fetch our guest a chair,” your High Lady spoke, and it only took seconds before a chair was placed in front of you. Cassian slowly helped you sit down in it.

“Kallias, Viviane,” Rhysand spoke beside you. “I’m sorry if my intrusion caused you trouble. Cassian and I had to help a previous employee.”

You almost groaned as he spoke. Fuck.

Your High Lord nodded and looked towards you. “I’ll guess you were employed at the Night Court at the same time you were our employee.” His voice was icy and serious.

“That is correct, High Lord. You were looking for information about the same things and I needed money. Double amount of money for the same amount of work was too good to pass,” you answered honestly.

“So you gave away information about the Winter Court to a different court?”

“No, High Lord. It’s written in my contract with the Night Court that I will not give information about the Winter Court to them. However, it’s written no such thing in my contract to you, therefore I was kept out of the information that was only about the Night Court.”

“So, the Spymaster knew about you working for us?”

“No, but I made it clear I only gave information and wanted nothing but money in return.”

Your High Lord nodded at your answer. You had answered correctly, and he looked a little less scary.

“I guess you ended your employment with the Night Court at the same time you ended it here,” he continued. “How’s your child?”

Your High Lady gave her mate an icy look as he asked you the question. You knew the tactic. You needed to prove to them that you spoke honestly.

“I’m not sure, High Lord. I have a suspicion that he is in one of the camps,” you answered and felt the shame grow on your face. You were such a bad mother, you didn’t even know where your son was. “He’s been living at his grandmother’s house for the last couple of years. Lilith Snowthorne. I think she has something to do with the camps. She’s a principle at my son’s school.”

“And what makes you think she has something to do with the camps?” your High Lady asked. You were about to answer, but Cassian was quicker.

“My sons train at one of the camps in the Night Court. The oldest was asked to join the camp here in Winter. My son also said that the camps were collaborating with the schools. They the schools tells the parents their kids are at a summer camp. That they’ll tell the parents the truth after the summer is over and the parent choice if they want their kids back. If the kids are alive.”

It seemed to leave the High Lord and High Lady too deep in thoughts to answer.

“I beg you that we don’t wait too long until we interrupt the camps and their so called “training”. I was witness to a boy being so called “disciplined”. It was almost torture!”

“The more we know, the easier we can get through to the leaders and stop this for good,” the High Lady spoke.

So, you told them about everything you knew. All you had heard and seen. Rhysand and Cassian talked about what they had seen outside the camps and Illyrian culture. In the end, you had made a pretty good plan, and you would start at nightfall.

Cassian helped you up from your chair and basically carried you to the healers. Both the High Lords, the High Lady and Cassian had protested when you said you were joining the fights. But, they eventually realized how bad it was to keep a mother away from her child.

“Thank you,” you told the healer as she healed the bones in your fingers and almost removed all the pain from your leg. They also provided you with leathers for the fight later.

As the fight was closing up, you met back with Rhysand and Cassian and ate dinner together with the rest of the warriors that were fighting.

You were ready to get your son back.

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Series Masterlist

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The letter made you speechless. How could she do something like that! How could she, a previous mother, think that would be okay.

All the actions of your grandmother made you wonder if she really loved her son, your father, as much as she claims.

Y/N,

Your presence will not be needed for our weekly dinners. Flake is at a camp for the summer-vacation and will be there in the foreseeable future. I’ll send for you when he comes home again.

As expected,

Madam Snowthorn

You had never liked the arrangement with your grandmother. However, leaving her was not an option. You would make sure your son, Flake, always had someone other than you to go to. Growing up, you only had your grandmother, Lilith, and you refused to make a choice that forced Flake also to just have one person.

Growing up in her house had been absolute hell at times. Lilith had never liked you. Not once had she been kind to you. Her favourite past time was to remind you that you’re a bastard and that your mother baby trapped her angel of a son. She never listened to anything you said and did her best to make your life as awful as possible.

It didn’t help that you couldn’t read.

You started school at the age of five and while all the other kids learn to read and got friends, your grandmother decided to tell everyone you were a bastard and then no one wanted anything with you to do.

Even the teachers didn’t bother helping you with reading and writing. You never really knew if it was because they didn’t want to, or because Lilith, who also was the principal, threatened them not to.

You didn’t learn how to read until you were over twenty years old and you were embarrassed to think about how long you thought the reason you couldn’t read was because you were a bastard. It wasn’t until you met him you understood that struggling with reading and writing was something that could happen to anyone.

You stopped going to school when you were ten. You just pretended to go and then you played in the woods nearby until you had to go home. You still dream back to the days where you would just play with your imaginary friends and parents. Sometimes, when Amarantha’s warriors where close by, you would hide in the bushed and listen to what they were saying. But for the most part they didn’t care. They were quite kind to you actually. You managed to sneak around for almost five years without Lilith realizing you didn’t actually go to school.

So maybe it wasn’t weird you became a spy.

Then you spent the longest year of your life as a maid for your grandmother. You only lasted eight months before you packed a small bag for your things and left for good. Then it went over a hundred years before you saw her again. A hundred years where you build your home and travelled all over Prythian. You even had a couple of years on the continent.

However, during one of your travels you had gotten seriously hurt. You ended up needing almost a month at the healers and even longer until you could go out to your home in the woods. So, you had to stay with Lilith.

Ever since, you’d have monthly dinners.

And except for the first months of your pregnancy, you had never stayed there again.

However, you son had.

First you though Lilith was just being nice. She offered to take care of your son in the weekends, so that you could get a break. That was when he was two. Then, at five Lilith decided he needed to start school. So, Flake would stay with her in the week days and you in the weekends.

Then, suddenly he needed to be in the city for a weekend for a sleepover with friends, and then, your grandmother refused you to take him with you home.

Only one dinner a week, that was what you were allowed to have.

Both you and Flake would cry every time you had to leave him. He would spend the entire dinner talking to you about all and everything. He often forgot to eat and you didn’t know if Lilith allowed him to eat before bed or not.

He didn’t understand that you had to leave for his own good. That if something went wrong and he didn’t have her anymore, he would at least have Lilith.

But now Lilith had gone too far.

You had made your way to the city and her home. You were dressed in dark clothing that was different from what most of the others around you wore. As you walked angrily towards the horrible house you grew up in, you felt a shadow carefully kiss you behind your ear.

Unwanted shivers went down your back. It was almost as if the shadows wanted you to know that they were there and protecting you. However, you brushed it away, hoping it would go back to your son. Or at least show you the way to him.

You didn’t knock. You opened the big and heavy door and walked straight to the living room. You didn’t even bother to dry off your boots. You knew it would annoy Lilith, so that’s why you did it.

As you opened the door to the living room, the eyes of at least ten proper high fae ladies met you. In the middle was the icy eyes of your grandmother.

“Lilith,” you said as icy as you could.

“Y/n, you’re presence is not required, please go back home,” Lilith spoke. You could she that she was embarrassed, but you didn’t care. It gave you joy.

“I’m staying, I’ll wait by the door if you don’t have time right now,” you answered plainly and sat down beside the door.

Lilith didn’t look particularly happy as she ended the afternoon tea with her friends and colleagues early.

“What do you want?” she hissed.

“Where is he?” you hissed back.

She answered with a laugh.

“I told you, he’s at a summer-camp our school is arranging,” she answered. “He’ll be there for a while, so you won’t need to be here for many weeks. Isn’t that what you’ve always wanted.”

“You can’t send my son away for over a month and not tell me about it. We ate dinner together last week. Why didn’t you tell me?” However, Flake also hadn’t told you. Which made you realize that Flake probably didn’t know where he was going. He would tell you everything when you went to visit. He had always been a quiet child, but the second you walked in the door, he would speak and speak and speak until Lilith forced you to leave. “How long is he gone for?”

“I’m not really sure, but I’ll send for you the second he comes back,” she answered. She spoke louder. Her voice was sharper. It was uncomfortable for her to talk about it.

“If the school is arranging the camp shouldn’t you, the principle, know how long it lasts for?” you asked with a wondering voice. “And if Flake had agreed to it, wouldn’t he have told me about it last week when we ate dinner?”

“You know how kids forget about stuff. He had so much other things to tell you he forgot about how excited he was for camp!”

“Where is the camp?”

“You can’t go there. He’ll be upset.”

“Then he’ll be upset. He’s upset every time I see him, might as well upset him a little more. I’d rather have him angry than hurt.”

“Are you saying you think I’d send my grandson to somewhere he wasn’t safe?”

“I wouldn’t be surprised.”

Lilith stepped closer to you. She was short and angry. Her pale skin and white hair might as well have turned red.

“Don’t you dare say such about me,” she spat back at you. “It’s better that he’s here with me, a female who has experienced being a mother, rather than being with a bastard that can’t even teach him to read.”

“And how do you know that? You never allowed me to try!”

“Not anyone wants to hide from reality and live in the forest!”

“Not everyone kidnap their great-grandson and refuses his mother to see him!”

“You should have thought about that before you slept with a bastard illyrian that didn’t even show up for the birth of his child!” She might as well have slapped you. You had never really talked about the fact that he suddenly changed his mind and decided to disappear. Lilith always just talked about you as a stupid single-mother. It left you speechless. “Flake is having a perfectly good time at the camp. I’m sure he’s meeting new friends and learning a lot. Like how to play with others and read for example. He’s seven years, don’t act like he’s a babe that can’t be away from his mother. Now, if you’re not planning of wasting more of my precious time, I’d like you to leave.”

Without another word, Lilith left. You stood alone in the living room, realizing that you now, more than ever, needed to know where these Illyrian camps in the Winter Court were located.

Okay, so Azriel had suddenly figured out that you and your son weren’t important enough to care for, but that doesn’t mean you stopped caring about Azriel. He hated the Illyrian culture, and you were not going to let your son go through all the suffering his father went through as a child, half Illyrian or not.

Although, you would need help. Having you as emotional as you were at the moment wouldn’t help you get any closer to finding your son. And even though your hated yourself by even thinking about it, the Night Court was the smartest place to go to get help.

You looked around in the living room. On one of the side tables you found both paper, ink and a pen. You sat down and started writing.

Cassian,

I haven’t looked a lot, and I haven’t found out a lot about the Illyrian camps in winter. I’ll start looking more intensely now.

I request a meeting in two days at my home where we can discuss our findings and work together to find the camps. I suggest at nightfall.

From,

Y/n Snowthorne

You made sure to make an extra amount of mess with your boots as you walked out of Lilith’s house. You went straight to the post office, only hoping that Cassian would get the letter if you sent it to the same place you used to send Azriel’s letters.

Then, you went out in the forest, ready to look for your son.

It had been two days and you were still as lost as before.

You had went to almost all the sketchy scary inns in the forest and all the pubs, but you hear no information.

However, you heard a few fathers talking about how their kids was sent to a discipline camp by their schools. It made you even surer that was where your son was as well.

Your heart would burn in terror and pain all the time when you weren’t with your son, but right now it was worse than ever. You just wanted to hold him and smell him and make sure he was okay. Sometimes you used to pick up the clothes he wore last time he was home and even though you knew he had grown out of them years ago, you still kept them.

You didn’t even realize you had started crying before a shadow brushed the tear away from your check.

You had taken a break and sat in a tree eating lunch. Just some berries you had found in the forest. However, you quickly started to descend to the ground and walked to see if you could find some other place to look for the camps. You took a deep breath and did your best to calm your breath and stop crying.

If Cassian was coming for the meeting you asked for, it would be in three hours. So, you still had some time to find out something. You refused to show up empty handed.

So you walked and walked and looked and looked. You were freezing and stiff, but you continued until you figured out you needed to meet Cassian.

You felt extremely nervous as you turned around and started to move towards your home. What if Cassian didn’t show up? What if Azriel knew you had contacted him and told him to not go? What if Azriel show-

“No,” you told yourself aloud. “Don’t you dare.”

You would not get your hopes up.

Suddenly, you heard a scream. A child’s scream. You didn’t hesitate as you drew your knife and ran towards the sound.

Your first thought was that it was Flake, but you knew that you would save the child anyway. Any mother would.

As you were closing up to the screaming, you went from running to walking fast and then slower and quieter. You hid behind a bush and slowly moved so that you looked past it.

Illyrians.

There were at least ten of them. And in the middle, a young child was tied to a tree. He couldn’t be older than five. He was from the winter court and not Illyrian. His skin and hair were light as snow and he had no wings.

He was screaming as the illyrians were kicking and hitting him. The illyrians also didn’t look to old. They were perhaps in the end of their teens or early twenties. You took a deep breath and crunched down so that you were out of sight.

As the child’s screams grew louder, you prepared yourself for a hard fight. Then, you jumped up and attacked.

Cassian knocked on the door of Y/n’s house. The door looked rough, and he was a little scared of knocking too hard. He didn’t think she would be too happy if he broke the door to her home.

However, no one opened. He knocked once more.

“Y/n?” he asked loudly. No one answered.

Worried and too cold to wait outside much longer, he opened the door. He had to pull it twice to open it. The house was smaller than he remembered it. It was cold and empty. It was obvious that the fireplace hadn’t been used in days. And also, Y/n’s smell was faint.

He must admit he got disappointed. He had hoped that the female would help them. She knew Winter better than he and the rest of the Night Court. He let out a sigh and started on the long flight home.

When Cassian got home, he decided to not update Rhys until the morning after. He was tired and just wanted to go home and relax for a while.

However, he opened the door to the House of Wind and immediately realized who was home.

“Dad!” his youngest son yelled and jumped at him.

Cassian immediately embraced him and held him tightly. Further down in the hall, Nesta stood speaking to their oldest. Kealren and Torvyn. Keal was the oldest. He was soon twenty years. He had always been soft and kind. He had a harsh time with academics, but he thrived at Windhaven. Vyn was the opposite of his older brother. He had just turned nine and was full of energy.

However, the worry in Keal eyes told him that something was wrong.

“Vyn,” Nesta spoke as Cassian sat him down on his feet. “Let’s go make some hot chocolate.”

Keal walked over to Cassian and Cassian gave him a small hug.

“What’s happening, kid?” he asked his son.

Keal took a deep breath and stood straight after the hug. He was a little taler than Cassian. Something Rhys never let him forget. He remembered how tiny he was when he first was born and how little he had been until he chose to join training in Windhaven at the age of seven. From the moment he started training, he had gotten stronger. Now, Cassian was scared he would beat him in a fight.

“I think some of my friends have joined the camps in the Winter Court. They wanted me to join as well, but I refused. So, I panicked, grabbed Vyn and got out of there,” he let out a deep breath and he first then looked up at his father. Keal and Nesta had identical eyes. Eyes that showed so much emotion.

“What else did you learn about the camps?” he asked softly. Keal hesitated a little, but eventually answered. It was obvious that someone had beat him up when he refused to go with them.

“They’re kidnapping kids. They’re collaborating with a schools and saying their kids are at summer-camps. When the summer is over, they’ll tell the truth and send the kids that want it home. But, I’m scared about how many that will die before that.”

“Do you know where the camps are?”

“I don’t know for sure. The woods in the middle of the court seems most likely, but I don’t know.”

The middle of the Winter Court. Where Y/n’s house was. Cauldron…he hoped she was okay.

“Thank you kid,” Cassian told his son and squeezed his shoulder. “We’ll fix this. Try not to stress too much. You’ll stay here and keep training with me and your uncle until we’ve made sure it’s over.”

“Thank you,” he answered and Cassian almost felt his heart break. He wanted to do all he could to make sure his sons were okay.

“Now, go and see if there is some hot chocolate for you too. And tell your mother I’m going to Rhys.”

His son nodded and made his way to the kitchen.

As he flew to the River House, he felt lots of love through the bond. He almost blushed and sent a lot back to his mate. He wished he had kissed her before he left.

He opened the door without knocking.

“Hello,” he yelled.

“Sush!” Nyx hissed back. “Lia’s sleeping.”

He stood and was rocking his daughter. He had such big circles under his eyes.

“Sorry,” he whispered and walked over to the office of his brother. On the way, he almost had the courage to look at the paining of his other brother, but he didn’t manage it this time either. He knocked and opened the door to the office. Both Feyre and Rhys was inside. “Hello.” He said and slumped down into a chair. A glass of whisky appeared in front of him.

“What did she say,” Rhys asked. He sat leaned back in his chair and his hand was resting on Feyre’s thigh.

“She wasn’t there,” he answered and drank his whisky. “But, my sons are home. Keal got, he said asked but I guess threatened to join the camps in Winter. He said they kidnap children and are collaborating with different schools. The parents think that the kids are at a summer-camp. When the summer is over, they’ll tell the parents and send home the kids the parents want home. Who knows how many will die before that.”

Both Feyre and Rhys had tensed.

“But Y/n didn’t show up?” Rhys asked. “She requested the meeting, why wouldn’t she show up?”

“Keal also said that the camps are most likely in these woods,” Cassian said and pointed it out on the maps. “That’s also where Y/n’s home is. We know she was looking for the camps. I think maybe she’s in trouble.”

“We should make sure she’s okay,” Feyre said. “Even if she just chose not to come, we have to make sure nothing happened.”

“I’ll winnow us,” Rhys spoke. “Are you ready to leave now? Or do you want to wait for the morning?”

Cassian was tired and really only wanted to cuddle with his mate. However, he knew it was important to make sure Y/n was okay.

“I can travel now.”

He waited for Rhys to get dressed in leathers and meanwhile gave Lia a short cuddle. The babe had woken up and Feyre was holding her, making sure Nyx got some sleep as well. Laverna had woken up to nurse the babe and the second she finished, Feyre almost forced both to bed. They tried to stop her, but the relief was visible as they made their way to bed hand in hand.

“Be careful,” Feyre said as she kissed Rhys.

“We’re always careful,” Cassian answered, and Feyre gave him a mocking smile.

The two males winnowed directly into the Winter Court and to Y/n’s home.

The cabin was just as empty as before. Both of them looked around after signs of struggle, but they found none.

However, suddenly both of them felt a lot colder. It was like a gush of wind had gotten into the house. Both checked and the door was still closed.

“Do you also feel that?” Rhys asked. “The pull?”

Cassian was about to answer no, but then he felt it too. It was like something had taken hold of his hands and was pulling him towards the door.

“Should we follow it?” he asked and the pull got even stronger.

“Yes, I think so,” Rhys answered.

Quietly and with attention to every detail, they started to walk where the pull lead them.

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13 years ago

The second you saw his left-hand falter, you knew you’d win.

You jumped at him with your knife drawn and you were right. He was too slow with his left hand.

He hissed as your knife hit the side of his body. As he was unfocused you grabbed his wrist and forced him to drop his knife.

He stopped fighting against you for a couple of seconds. Even his shadows stilled. He looked surprised, almost confused. You didn’t care that he expected so little of you. You kept your knife at his side as you used your most intimidating voice.

“Stop spying on me,” you told him before you let go of him and started to walk away.

“Do you want to work for the Night Court?”

You stopped walking and wondered for a second what was happening. Work for the Night Court?

As you turned you couldn’t keep the confused look off your face.

“What?”

“I’ve been watching you-”

“I know that.”

“- and I need a new spy here in Winter. You seem like you’d do a good enough job.”

You crossed your arms and looked at him even more confused.

“And you know I’m the correct person because?”

He stepped closer to you, only a couple of steps.

“Because, I’ve been spying on you for three weeks and I barely know where you live. I don’t know your name, age or anything about your life. And that is annoying.”

You almost gave him a smug smile. You had to admit his words made you unnecessary confident. You had been so discreet the spymaster of the Night Court hadn’t found you.

“Do you mean to say you haven’t noticed that I have been spying on you too for three weeks?”

“If you’re trying to trick me, that’s not working. You noticed me three days ago, and it’s still scary how quickly you found out about my routines.”

You did notice him three days ago, but when you first found out about him, you realized small things that had happened. In the end, you realized it had been three weeks.

“So, do you want a job?” he asked again, and you noticed a small tilt to his head.

“What does work for you entail?”

“If we have thing we need to know, I’ll ask you to find out about it. If you hear something we would benefit knowing, you’ll tell us.”

It was almost scary how tempting it was. Twice the amount of money for the same amount of work. He gave you no signs that he knew you were already working for the Winter Court.

However, you weren’t sure the Winter Court would appreciate you working for a different court. But that wouldn’t matter if you just didn’t tell them about the Night Court and vice versa.

You quickly realized you already had made a decision.

“I want a written contract for my work. Where my salary is stated and can not be changed without my approval.”

“Of course,” he answered almost plainly.

“I want it written in the contract that I will not give out unnecessary information about the Winter Court. I will only tell you what you ask from my court, I will not betray its trust.”

“No problem.”

“I want to be able to quit my work for you at any time without reason. It’s dangerous work and I always want a way out.”

“Understood. Any other requests?”

You shook your head at him.

“Then I’ll be back in about two days with a contract.”

He almost smiled at you before he disappeared into the shadows.

You couldn’t help but stare at where he stood only seconds before, and smile. You had a job for another court. You had been personally chosen.

Finally.

Someone chose you.

He did arrive at your home two days later. It surprised you that he actually knocked and waited for you to answer. You let him in, and you quietly sat down at your table.

“Here’s the contract, Rhysand and I have already signed it.”

He handed you the contract and only just looking at it made you tired. It was two pages long and filled with text that was written way too small for you to read. You knew you’d need peace and quiet for you to be able to read it.

“Thank you, I’ll read through it and sign it by tomorrow.”

You stood up and expected him to do the same, however he stayed seated. His shadows moved lazily around him.

“What?” you asked a little pointy.

“You can’t read through it now?”

You tried to not let the embarrassment take over, but it was too hard. You didn’t want to explain to your boss that you’d been so bad at reading, your teachers eventually gave up on teaching you. That you had tried all, but you still got confused. That the letters still mixed up in your brain and you often spent several minutes on only one sentence.

However, you knew the truth would come out eventually, so why not be honest from the start?

You slumped back down in your chair.

“I find reading hard and need a long time for the words to make sense. So, if I could get some time to make sure I understand all that the contract entails, that would be the best for me.”

He nodded.

“I can read it aloud for you. Or I’ll come back tomorrow. It’s up to you, but I can help if you want me to. My nephew also struggles.”

Him reading it aloud for you would help you. You’d then be able to spend your day fishing for food and not reading.

You handed the contract back to him, and he started reading.

He read slowly and made sure that you understood everything. His voice was soft and clear. You almost felt the need to just lean into his voice and dream, however you still made sure you’d get every detail.

Your salary was huge and your wishes was written in the contract. It seemed like they actually wished to take proper care of you. Maybe you shouldn’t have expected anything else, but it still surprised you a little.

“Signed by High Lord Rhysand and myself,” he, Azriel, finished reading. He put the contract back down at the table and pushed it over to you. “Any questions?”

You answered by finding your pen and signing the contract.

“Thank you,” you told him as you handed him the contract.

“No problem-” he looked down at your signature and for a second you got worried he would criticise your handwriting. “Y/N. I’ll be in contact.”

Then, he disappeared into the shadows once more.

Two days later a piece of paper appeared on the table in your home. Your task was written in big writing and with an easy vocabulary. You almost blushed as you read it.

10 years ago

“They’re leaving for the continent tomorrow night. They’ll leave from the Winter Court. I’m not completely sure, but all the signs are pointing towards this area,” you explained and pointed to the map that was laid in front of you. You had just gotten home after spying and Azriel was in your home immediately.

Azriel just nodded at your words. He was in deep thoughts and his shadows were anxiously swirling around him. You felt some of them clinging to the wound you had at your left thigh.

“I can keep an eye at them throughout the night if you-”

“No,” he answered determined. “You’re hurt, you’ll stay here and heal. You’re taking a week off.”

He stood up and disappeared before you were able to speak against him. It didn’t matter, because the second he left, you laid down in bed and slept for two days straight.

9 years ago

“How’d the dinner go?” Azriel asked you the second you finished training.

The training sessions had started about two months ago and happened often twice or more per week.

You rolled your eyes, not at him, but at the dinner you had with your grandmother.

“She was as delightful as usual,” you answered and Azriel snorted.

“I still don’t understand why you keep doing what she demands.”

You didn’t really like taking about your grandmother and her need to control the way you live your life. However, you knew it was important to at least keep a decent amount of contact with her.

“If all goes wrong, she’s my only relative. So, she’s plan Z and I’d like it to stay that way.”

He seemed to understand your reasoning, however you saw he had questions he wasn’t asking. So, you decided to ask him questions instead.

“Do you have any relatives?”

“I have my mother, and my chosen family. Rhys’ mother took me and Cass in as children. I’m a bastard, so my father wasn’t a big fan of me. My childhood wasn’t easy. However, I’m lucky to have the family I do.”

You understood it was a lot he didn’t tell you. However, you wanted to know more, so you told him more about yourself.

“I’m a bastard too. I know nothing about my mother, not even which court she was from. However, my grandmother keeps reminding me that she was a bastard too. My father and mother both died during Amarantha, but I don’t know much more.”

He nodded and handed you a water bottle. However, you’d spend so much time training, that the water had frozen. Both of you started laughing as you realized.

“I think that’s a good time to get inside,” Azriel concluded and the two of you moved to your home.

On your way inside, you gathered some snow to melt and boil for the tea. You always kept a pot to the right of your door, so that you’d remember bringing snow for water back inside.

That was another new thing. After the training sessions, you’d make tea and both of you would relax in front of the fire for a while. You put the pot with snow into the fire and watched it melt and start boiling as Az found cups and tea. When he had gathered everything, he sat down beside you.

Usually you would either sit in comfortable silence or speak about upcoming missions, but lately you’d spoken more about yourselves.

“When did you move here? Into the forest I mean.”

“I was sixteen. I needed to get away from everyone and I found this house that was two gusts of wind away from falling apart. I decided to fix it.”

You looked around at your home. You were quite proud of it now. The walls were steady and it hadn’t leaked from the roof in ages.

“How did you learn to fight so good then?”

You let out an embarrassed laugh and looked at Az. He looked at you with a soft gaze. You couldn’t help studying his eyes as you spoke.

“I needed money, so I fought for it. I eventually realized I needed to know different types of fighting, so I travelled through all the courts, got beat up in all the courts, and eventually learned the fighting techniques from all the courts.”

He didn’t seem to like it when you told him you’d been beaten up. However, he didn’t say anything about it.

You used the pincers to lift the pot of now boling water and pour in into the cups. You loved heating your hands by holding the warm cup. The tea warmed your entire body. It was nice after spending so much time in the colds of Winter.

“I was sent to an Illyrian camp when my father realized I was a shadowsinger. I got beat up so many times, I never thought it would end. Eventually, Rhys and Cass realized they’d be stronger with one more on their team. So, two less illyrians beat me up. When we finally became proper warriors, I had to work for Rhys’ father. That’s how I became a spy.”

You couldn’t even imagine a life where fighting for survival everyday was forced upon children. You were happy you at least had gotten to chose yourself that you were going to leave all behind and start a new life.

The conversation died down after that. Both of you just sat in silence, listening to the fire and each other’s breath. It had turned into the favourite part of your week, even though neither one of you realized it yet.

8 years and 2 months ago

You distantly felt your body being turned around. You could hear the crunch of the snow as someone kneeled down beside you. Or maybe they fell to their knees? You didn’t know. All the sound was so much more quiet than usual. And the loud noise in your ears didn’t seem to quiet down any time soon.

A small slap to your face caught your attention. Were you laying on your back? You were sure they had dumped you on your stomach.

Another slap hit your face, this one a little harder.

Whoever was attacking you this time wasn’t doing a very good job. A new punch to your stomach or just to your face would be enough to kill you at this state, however they chose to just slap you.

Shit…

Maybe you should try to get away before said attacker actually tried to punch you.

A third slap to your face and you opened your eyes. Light, kind and extremely worried eyes met yours. You realized you were safe. How you realized it, you didn’t know, but you knew for sure the danger was over.

“You scared me for a second there, Flake,” Azriel spoke to you. You tried to move up on your elbows, but Azriel held your shoulders so that you stayed in place. You didn’t protest, because even that small movement hurt as hell. “Stay down, your too hurt to move right now.”

His voice was soft and calming. You felt his hand move some of the hair away from your face.

Then you felt a fourth slap to your face and realized you had closed your eyes again.

“Stay with me now,” a voice told you. A fifth slap to your face. “Come on, you can do it. Give me all seven courts.”

Deep down you remembered the part of your training: if dying, try to engage the brain with easy tasks.

“Winter, Summer, Spring, Autumn” your voice was weak and shaky, but you used all energy you had to think of the courts. You tried to think of the rest, but you felt your brain grow even foggier. A sixth slap hit your face.

“Good, now only three more,” Azriel spoke. He was bandaging some of your injuries. The injuries you already had forgotten how you got. What were going on? Why were you laying on your back? “Come on, Flake. What court am I from?”

“Night,” you answered, but it was on autopilot.

“Good, now there’s only two more. Please give me two more, Snow.” he continued. You felt something tightening around your waist. One second you were laying in the snow, and the next you were lifted in Azriel’s arms. His shadows covered you completely, and even though they were usually cold, they warmed your entire body. You were too cold. However, you didn’t notice. You were too far gone. “Stay awake, Y/n. Please, stay awake.”

You wanted to, cauldron you wanted to. But, you couldn’t. So, you let your eyes close.

You felt so warm it was like the sun was placed on you. You quickly moved the duvet that laid on you so that your body wasn’t covered anymore.

“Cauldron,” a soft voice spoke beside you.

You opened your eyes and looked directly at Azriel. The first thing you noticed was how tired he looked. Then, you saw how frantic the shadows moved around him. He raised a hand and the shadows quieted down.

Without saying anything, he picked up a glass of water and handed it to you. The cold water felt amazing, and you immediately needed more. Azriel poured you more twice and you felt your body cool down a little from each sip.

“What happened?” you asked him after the water had cooled you down a little.

“That’s what I’m wondering too,” he answered firmly. “Last time I checked, I asked you to stay away from the group. Asked you to let me handle it. And then my shadows inform we that they found you in the snow bleeding out. Care to explain that?”

All the memories rushed back to you. How they suddenly had showed up outside your door. How you had followed them to where they were going. That a single step had made one of the males noticing her. How she had to kill all of them. How their leader had gotten in a few too deep cuts.

“No interrogation before she has healed properly, shadowsinger,” a kind older fae female said as she walked into the room. “And you have to stay warm.”

“Believe me, I’m burning up,” you answered and both the female and Azriel frowned. “Not as in fever, but as in it’s very warm inside here.”

The female nodded. Azriel’s shadows brushed against your neck and helped cooling your down. The relief was beautiful.

“Summer in Vel-”

“Shh,” Azriel interrupted her. They looked annoyed at each other for a few seconds.

“Ehh…where are we?” you asked Azriel, expecting him to be honest with you. And he was.

“Somewhere you aren’t supposed to be. However, you managed to get so freaking hurt, I had to bring you here.” He answered honest and angry. You were almost too stunned to speak. Azriel was always calm and spoke softly to you. He had never been angry at you before. “Now, I need to know what the cauldron happened, and I need to know it now.”

“That’s enough,” the female spoke, she walked to the door and opened it. “Out, shadowsinger. Now”

Azriel gave you two hesitating looks before he walked out. However, you could spot at least ten shadows staying in the room.

8 years and 1 month ago

You were finally allowed to go home. Even though you had enjoyed sleeping in such a comfortable bed like the one you slept in as you were healing, you were missing your own bed. You were missing the cold of your home and the smell.

Azriel was the one that was going to bring you home. You hadn’t seen him since the healer, Madja, had thrown him out of the room days ago.

As he walked into your room, you felt a total feeling of relief and safety. Even though you were in a strange place, in a town you didn’t even know the name of, you had felt safe the entire time. Maybe it was because you had always either felt or seen one of Azriel’s shadows. You knew that if something happened, Azriel would come help.

However, the feeling of relief didn’t last long. He looked like he was still furious at you.

“You need to make sure you sleep at least ten hours a night and put this cream on your wound twice a day,” Madja explained. She had told you four times now that she only allowed you home if you promised to keep relaxing for a week. You knew that wasn’t going to happen, but you told her that you would.

Madja nodded and left the room.

Azriel used slow steps as he approached you. He was studying your entire body. You were seated, with a bad posture. Sitting upright hurt too much.

“I’m going to pick you up and shadowwalk us to your home,” he spoke. His voice wasn’t the soft one you were used too. It felt icy and distant.

He didn’t wait for you to answer before he gently picked you up. He was looking at you the entire time and his eyes almost softened. However, the second you were properly placed in his arms, he was back to angry and shadowwalked.

You landed outside your cabin. Azriel had used two jumps to get there. One in the Day Court and the other in the Middle. You relaxed more than before the second you landed at home.

Azriel let you down on your feet and rested his hand on your back as he followed you to your front door. The second you opened the door and both had seen it was safe, his hand left your back and he took one step away from you.

“Remember to rest. I don’t want to hear that you’ve left this cabin before it’s been at least a week.”

And then, he disappeared into the shadows.

You stood left alone outside your home. Knowing that he was many courts away made you nervous. You tried to shake the feeling of loneliness and stepped inside your home.

That’s when you noticed that it was filled to the brim by various supply. Both medicine and pain-killers, but also food and warm clothing.

On your table stood a bowl of warm stew, and even though your stomach rumbled at the sight, one look towards your bed made you realize how much you had missed sleeping at home.

You didn’t even remember falling asleep.

You had slept through the night and most of the day. Being at home made your body realize how much tension it had been carrying and suddenly all you could do was sleep.

However, when you woke up it was because you were too hungry to ignore. So, naturally you stood up from your bed and started making food. Almost all your movement hurt as you walked out the door to get some water for boiling.

Then, you walked back inside ready to explore all the food Azriel had gotten for you. You closed the door behind you as you walked into the warmth of your cabin.

“You’re going back to bed, now.”

You couldn’t help but scream as Azriel suddenly stood before you. You looked shocked at him, but he didn’t care. He took the pot of snow from your hands and then the shadows covered you and pulled you carefully, but also firmly, towards your bed.

“What are you doing here?” you asked him.

“You’re on bedrest, you are not supposed to walk,” he answered without looking at you. He had crunched down before the fireplace and was struggling to light it. It was like he didn’t really want to light it, but knew he had to. You realized he was nervous, scared almost. Before you could ask him if he needed help, he drew a quick breath, lit the match and quickly got the fire going.  

“So, you’ve been spying on me and the second I move, you come to save the day?”

“I’m trying to help you!” he almost yelled it. Still not looking at you.

You didn’t dare to speak to him after that. He was obviously mad you had gotten so hurt, but you didn’t realize he would be that angry.

He finished the food quickly. He had brought leftovers, so he only heated it up. He also boiled some water for tea. His movements were a lot gentler as he handed you the bowl of warm stew and your tea. He had even brought you milk for your tea. He knew you liked that even though you almost never had money for it.

“I’m sorry Az, but I didn’t mean to get hurt!”

However, he had left before you were able to finish your sentence.

It had been ten long days with the exact same thing. Every time you stood up to do something, Azriel would be there within seconds.

He was taking care of you, and it was almost cute, except for the fact that he hadn’t said a word to you since the first day.

You were going crazy being on bedrest. You were convinced you didn’t need it.

So, you had decided to go to the marked.

You had gotten dressed and only managed to walk about 50 meters before you felt his presence behind you.

“What are you doing?” he asked in a neutral voice.

You didn’t bother answering him. You just kept on walking. Cauldron it felt nice to just walk. She was desperate to move her body.

She heard Azriel let out a sigh behind her, but he didn’t say another word as he started to walk with her.

They walked side by side. The snow was crunching under their boots, and the wind was rough towards their faces.

When they got to the marked, Azriel started to walk behind you. He kept his wings tight to his body. And the shadows that had been present for the entire walk was either hidden or out finding information. You were sure you felt one of them in your hair though.

You went to your usual stalls. Some sold medicine, some sold food and some sold clothes. You didn’t really buy much. Azriel had brought you food for at least a month. However, as you passed the stall that sold wool, you couldn’t help but stop. The wool was soft and durable. It was from sheep, you could both feel and smell that.

Since you spent less money on food, you could maybe spend some on new wool? Then you could make a new pair of mittens or maybe a hat.

You picked up a bundle of the softest kind.

“How much is this?” you asked the seller. You were sure it was written on the board behind her, but you were too overwhelmed to even try reading it.

As the seller said the price you immediately sat down the wool. It was way too expensive. You smiled at her and kept walking.

Azriel lingered for a moment but then walked after you.  Without telling him you were done, you started walking home. Even though you were angry at him, you couldn’t help but notice how comforting his presence was behind you. His steps felt safe. His shadows were back, and they were almost dancing around you. If it had been a better atmosphere between the two of you, you would have laughed. 

However, you didn’t dare when he was in such a bad mood behind you. He wasn’t angry. Not like he had used to be the days before. He seemed stressed, overwork and tired. You hadn’t looked at him, but you were sure the black circles under his eyes were even worse than normally.

Is it weird you wanted to hug him? To comfort him?

You arrived at your home and you pulled the front door open. This time, you had to try four times to get it open. You walked inside, but noticed the lack of steps behind you. Slowly, you turned to Azriel and looked at him for the first time that day. He looked surprised at you.

“Are you coming in or not?” you asked him as firmly as you could. However, it didn’t feel right to speak so firmly to him.

Azriel hesitated for a couple of seconds but eventually walked in behind you and closed the door after two tries.

“You should have that fixed,” he mumbled.

And that was the drop.

Anger and confusion and hurt filled your body. He hadn’t talked to you in almost ten days, except for asking where you are going and telling you to get back in bed. And the first thing he said is that you needed to fix your door. Not asking how you felt, or if you needed anything, or apologizing.

“I’ve had enough. Are you going to yell at me? To explain how stupid I was? Please! Just do anything. I’m so sick of you coming here and not talk to me. I need to know what’s going on! It’s been ten days, I’m ready to go back on missions and-“

“No,” he answered loudly. “No missions.”

“And why not? Haven’t I proved myself? Does one mission that goes wrong say that I’m not capable suddenly?” you asked him. However, he only tightened his jaw and didn’t answer. “If you’re just going to stand there, you might as well leave. It’s obvious you don’t want anything to do with me.”

“That’s not true,” he answered quietly.

“Then tell me what it is! You can’t just be angry with me and not tell me what I did wrong. That’s not fair, Az. I demand to know-”

“I hate putting you in danger,” he interrupted you. He didn’t yell it, but it wasn’t far from it either. Your eyes widened and it was your turn to not know what to answer. “I can’t do it anymore. I hate myself every single time I send you out on a mission. And now I almost lost you. I can’t let that happen again, Y/N, I can’t. I won’t. You mean too much to me.”

The silence was thick and filled with rough breathing. He looked at you with devastated eyes. You had never seen him cry, but you could imagine this is what he would look like.

He cared too much to put you in danger. He hated himself for almost losing you.

“Please, Y/N. I need you to be okay. I need to continue our training, not because I want to train, but because I need to be with you. I need to smell you and hear your voice and your laugh. I don’t think you understand what your laugh do to me. I need you in my life. I didn’t intend for you to be so important, and I know it would be easier if you weren’t. But you are the most important person in my life and I’m not willing to lose you. Not now, not ever. Unless you tell me to leave, I’ll stay by your side until the end and then a little longer.”

You don’t know why you started to cry. Maybe because his confession made you realize you felt the exact same thing about him. Or maybe because you for the first time in your life knew he would stay. He would stay no matter what happened and if you didn’t want him to, he’d leave when you asked him to.

“Please, say something,” he whispered.

“I want you too,” you whispered back, and the relief was visible in Azriel’s eyes.

This sort of conversation and feeling were strange for both of you. You had never felt it before, and you later learned that even though Az thought he had been in love before, it was nothing compared to how he felt with you.

Azriel hesitated a little, before he slowly closed the distance between the two of you.

It surprised you how soft his lips were and how comforting his body was against yours. He held you tight against him. Both his arms, shadows and wings were holding you. The shadows were brushing through your hair as he kissed you. It was like they also had wanted to touch you for a long time.

Azriel stopped the kiss only to look deeply into your eyes and make sure you were okay. Then, he leaned down to kiss you once more. It was even softer than before and he let out the most beautiful sigh the second his lips met yours. You couldn’t help but do the same. Shivers of excitement went down your back as the shadows started to move from your hair to kiss your neck.

Azriel stopped the kiss again and you let out a small whimper.

“Can I?” he asked carefully and looked down your body.

“Can you what?” you asked back, not knowing what he wanted.

He leaned down and whispered in your ear.

“Can I undress you?”

You didn’t have time to think before you answered yes. And he was utterly careful as he undressed both you and him. He was even more careful as he focused on your pleasure the entire night.

8 years ago

Your life had never been better. You felt happy and loved. Azriel had basically stayed in your house for two weeks. You would spend the days either cuddling or talking. Sometimes you went to the market, but the bad weather made it nicer to be inside. You kept up with the training, but it was so nice to get into bed together and cuddle afterwards.

And last but not least, he helped you fix your front door. So now you could open and close it without struggling.

He loved playing with your hair and you often fell asleep to either his fingers or the shadows brushing through it.

“My snowflake,” he would say and kiss your forehead. Then, he went to sleep too.

However, one day you woke up to him holding you extra tight. It wasn’t very unusual since he loved to hold you.

“What’s the matter,” you asked him and brushed some hair from his face. He grabbed your hand and kissed it softly.

“I have to work. I have to be on the continent for two weeks,” he let out a soft sigh and pressed his lips to the top of your head as she spoke. “I don’t want to leave you.”

“I’ll be here when you come back. Two weeks will go by quickly,” you answered even though you felt your own heart break a little.

Two weeks without the soft kisses and comforting conversations? It would be hard.

You spent the morning in bed and when it was nearing noon, he had to leave.

He gave you such a passionate kiss, it made you laugh. The sound of your happiness made him kiss you even longer.

“You have to go,” you told him and he pouted as he gave you one last squeeze and left.

Your house felt empty without him. It felt colder and smaller without him in it. You felt tears leave your eyes, but something caught your attention before you had time to start bawling.

On the table laid a bundle of wool. The softest kind and it was even dyed in a dark blue. Under it laid a piece of paper. It was carefully written with big and clear writing.

I’ll miss you so much, Flake. I hope you’ll make the time go by faster with this. Hope you can make something useful, or at least stay warm.

I’ll be back before you know it.

Azriel

You smiled and blushed as you read it. Then, you wasted no time picking up the wool and start working.

You first started spinning the wool into a ball of yarn. That was the most tedious part, but you loved it. It had been a while since you had allowed yourself the time to do it. Lately all your time and extra money had gone to fixing something in your home. Either outside or inside, something was always breaking.

You smiled as you worked. Sometimes you would also sing the songs you had learned on your travels.

After a while, you started to nalbind. You had learned how to knit and crochet when you were younger, but you had quickly learned that nalbinding was both the warmest and the one you liked the best. You made hoops and banded them together. You didn’t even think as you started to make mittens that were too big for your own hands, but they would fit the hands of your strong Illyrian.

You ended up using the entire day and night making the mittens, and in the end it almost took all of your wool and yarn, but it was absolutely worth it. Nothing is better than to make sure the people you love stay warm.

However, your time of extreme happiness ended rather suddenly.

A foreign smell entered your nostrils. A new and soft smell, sweeter than most people’s. Only one other time in your life had you felt such extreme terror. You almost instantly started crying from fear.

“Please Mother, please cauldron, please tell me this is not what I think it is,” you prayed. You even folded your hands and looked up to the roof of your cabin.

Then, you slowly and with shaky hands, untied your pants and carefully took them off. To spend more time, you gently folded your pants and laid them on the table.

Then, you even slower took off your underwear. You made sure to breathe through your mouth, to not smell it. However, then you lifted them up to your nose and took one small sniff.

The second you smelled the pregnancy for real, you threw up and then, you passed out.

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You had to try three times before the door to you home actually closed. The storm was howling outside. You removed the remaining snow from your clothes and pulled off your hood. Your hair was wet and sticking to your face. The rest of your clothes were also wet, and you were looking forward to changing into dryer ones.

Even though you were wet, the cold didn’t bother you too much. You had always preferred being too cold than too warm.

However, you soon realized it would be a while before you could change your clothes.

You got the feeling that you weren’t alone.

You didn’t hesitate to draw you knife and turn to the male that was in your home. It was the same Illyrian from last week. Cassian.

“I just want to talk,” he spoke, but you didn’t care. If he wanted to talk, he would need to prove himself. You could need the practice anyway.

You moved forward. He was more prepared this time. He had his own knife, and he moved quicker than last time. You reminded yourself that he was hurt last time, and that it made sense that he fought better this time. He defended himself well, however you got in more cuts than he did.

After a while you realized the fighting made more harm to your home that you’d like, you jumped it up a notch to finish it. As you fought more aggressively, you still didn’t falter.

It didn’t take long before you had him pressed onto the table, you knife pressed against his back.

“I yield, if that helps,” he answered.

If you didn’t feel the need to keep you guards up, you would have laughed at him. However, you did let him go. You could beat him again if you wanted to.

“What do you want?”

Cassian stood up and turned towards you.

“We didn’t get your signature on this document when you ended your work for us,” he spoke, and you felt so uncomfortable. You had spent years trying to forget about your work for the Night Court. Cassian being there felt haunting.

“And what’s that document?”

“It’s just something we make people sign after they have ended their employment. It’s an agreement that you’ll keep all that you have learned from the Night Court to yourself and not tell anyone of importance about it.”

You looked at the paper he held in his hand. It was covered in text on both sides.

“And that’s all the agreement says?” you asked, and Cassian nodded. “Then, why is it two pages long?”

Cassian looked more closely at the paper, and you realized he probably hadn’t read it himself.

“It’s basically what’s written, only in complicated administration language.”

He handed you the document. You looked through it, however almost all the words were too difficult. When you realized it had been over two minutes and you had only read the two first sentences, you stopped reading and looked over at Cassian.

“I’ll read through it and sign it by tomorrow.”

“You can’t read?”

You let your arms fall to your sides and you couldn’t help the annoyed look you gave Cassian.

“I can read, I just need a longer time than most.”

Cassian nodded at you. He spent quite a long time just looking at you. It made you even more uncomfortable.

“I can read it aloud for you, if you’d like. Or, I’ll come back tomorrow. That’s up to you. My son also struggles reading, so I understand if you need help.”

Even though you felt uncomfortable by him staying there, you knew that if you could sign the document now, you wouldn’t ever need to see him again. Hopefully.

You handed him the document without saying anything. He started reading and you quickly realized he had told you the truth. The document listed up different situations where you would under no circumstances give away information about the Night Court. You didn’t bother telling him that you knew basically nothing about the Night Court. That your work had always been providing the Night Court with information about other courts, expect for the Winter Court. You wouldn’t put your home court in a bad position.

“Lastly, by signing this document you ensure us that you’ll keep the Night Court’s strong position in mind, even though you no longer work for us,” Cassian finished reading the document.

“What do you mean by that last part?”

“That if you end up in a situation that is not listed in the document, you’ll still help us protect the Night Court,” Cassian explained. He wore a weirdly happy smile as he spoke. “I doubt you’ll end up in a different situation than all the fifty he chose to list up though.”

He.

You didn’t bother asking why he hadn’t showed up himself. You already knew why, but it still left an awful feeling in your chest.

You had to admit that when Cassian first entered your house, you thought it was him. That he finally came back for you. That he came to save both of you. However, it only took you realizing the too broad shoulders and slightly smaller wings to realize that it was not him.

You couldn’t shake the disappointment.

“You’re ready to sign it?” Cassian asked and pulled you out of your thoughts.

You didn’t manage to shake the grave expression off your face as you signed the document. It was official. You were officially done with the Night Court.

Or, at least you were for about two seconds.

“There’s a second reason to why I’m here,” Cassian started, and you froze instantly. All the worst things he could be saying next caught up to you.

“Please stop thinking so much about him.”

“Please don’t tell anyone that you know him.”

“He doesn’t want anything to do with you, but you already know that.”

“I just want to know if you know anything about illyrian-like camps in the Winter Court. If you have heard anything or know about someone that might have?”

You didn’t bother pointing out that you live alone in a small house in the middle of the deepest Winter Court forests. You rarely spoke to anyone anymore.

“I don’t.

Cassian didn’t seem so happy about your answer, but he didn’t push any further.

He stood up and left but asked you kindly to let him know if you found out anything about the illyrians in the Winter Court. However, you knew you wouldn’t…

Or at least you wouldn’t seek out the information…

You looked at the door. It was too tempting.

You wouldn’t do that. Unless…

If you found out something and let Cassian know maybe it would impress…him.

You shouldn’t let ghost from the past chose your actions…

A soft kiss like feeling behind your ear made the decision for you.  

“Stupid,” you said as you stood up. “Stupid, stupid, stupid.”

And then you closed the door and went spying.

“She knew nothing?” Rhys asked him. He held Lia, who was currently teething and hadn’t slept in over 24 hours. Cassian still wasn’t used to seeing his brother as a grandfather. However, he had always been the best father and uncle, so it didn’t really surprise him that his granddaughter often was found clinging to his leg.

“She said she would let me know if she heard something,” Cassian answered with a shrug.

He can’t say he expected to her back from her. But at the same time, something about her felt trustful. He trusted her words. Maybe it was just that he knew she could kill him within seconds if she really wanted to, but she chose not to.   

“Thank you for the help, brother. You should take a few days off. Feyre’s mad about me sending you around so much.”

“I really don’t mind. How’s the look for the new spymaster?”

“None of our current spies are interested. Nuala and Cerridwen are keeping the job until we have found someone else. They’re starting to get quite exhausted.”

Nuala and Cerridwen had been sharing the job as spymaster for seven years. It was supposed to be a temporally solution, but finding a new spymaster when the rest of their inner circle were so close, proved to be difficult.

“We’ll find someone eventually, but I’m raising Nuala and Cerridwen’s salaries.” Rhys stopped speaking as Lia once more started screaming. Rhys let out a small sigh. “The best part of being the grandfather this time is being able to give the kid back to Nyx when she cries too loudly. Good night brother.”

Cassian laughed with his brother, but soon started to make his way back to the House. Flying always have and always will be the most calming thing for him. He spent some extra time in the air before he landed on the balcony outside his room. His mate was there to meet him.

“Did she beat you this time too?”

He ignored her, but that was enough for her to understand the answer. Nesta laughed as he grabbed her waist and pulled her in for a kiss. That was enough for all the tension to leave his body. The day had been a lot harder than he had realized before. Nesta moved away from the kiss but stayed in his arms. She moved some of his hair away from his face.

“Do you need to talk about it?”

“It’s almost like it just gets harder and harder.” Harder and harder to do his brother’s job. To know Azriel would’ve done it better than him at every small step. He once again felt shivers on his back. Shivers followed by a tear running down his face. He wiped it away. “I just miss having him here. Feeling his presence. Knowing that he always was close.”

“You know grief comes and goes, Cass. It’s just a sign that you love him. And, you know that he’s proud of your work.”

Cassian just nodded at her words. They helped a little, but he knew he just had to get through it. However, it was easier said than done.

“I just hate that he’s dead. I still expect to see him, you know. Expect to see him brooding in the corner of the kitchen or something. And then I remember…”

Nesta wiped the next tear from his face. They stayed in silence for a while and eventually made their way to bed.

You rubbed your hands together and tried to warm them by blowing warm air at them. You were starting to get too cold. You had been out spying for five hours now and you knew you should have gotten home an hour ago, but you had gotten a lead.

The males at the local pub spoke about an Illyrian that had been seen. However, it was obvious that the males weren’t a part of the work with the Illyrians. They spoke way too loudly about it. It was clear that they didn’t know it was supposed to be a secret.

 You chose to look where the Illyrian had been spotted. You kept hidden behind trees or in the snow. You had put on your white coat, so hiding in the snow was the best. However, it was also the coldest. You knew you couldn’t stay there too long.

As you walked you marked the trees you hid behind. If you needed to come back you could make a map.

You didn’t really even know what you were looking for. You should have asked Cassian about more details.

Dread filled your body.

One such a small thing had made you forget everything and think about helping the Night Court again.

A shadow brushed the back of your ear, and you jumped up looking behind you. You were sure you had felt someone, him, standing behind you.

That made you realize what you were doing. You started to walk back home within seconds. After all that had happened last time with the Night Court, you would not go back. You would not help them. Unless it was absolutely necessary.

And you would make sure it wasn’t.

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He cursed at himself.

If he only had listened better all those years ago when his brother had given him information about all the safe houses they had in the different courts.

It was many years ago now, of course, but it wasn’t the first time he had wished he listened more closely at his brother. Notice all the small details and not just the topic of the conversation.

Chills went down his back as he wondered what his brother would think about him in this situation. Azriel would never end up like this.

Cassian’s mission had gone totally wrong.

Or, not totally wrong…he was alive still.

But his clothes were torn, his powers spent and even his back and wings hurt like hell. Each step hurt more, and he felt his legs grow weaker and weaker.

Fuck the faebane.

Cassian was usually proud of his endurance. He rarely showed weakness to his enemies or just generally to people that wasn’t his family.

However, this mission was too much.

All had gone wrong, and he didn’t even want to think about it for a second longer.

He sat one foot in front of the other and did his best to get to the safe house he hoped was close by.

The storm kept getting worse and he realized that the storms in the winter court might be rougher than he ones in Illyria. He felt his wings and fingers and toes freeze. His thoughts just went back to Azriel. Az probably never would have ended up in such a situation.

He had to stop to adjust the blanket he had around him. He wasn’t ashamed to admit he had stolen it from an empty camp. They had five of them and he only took one. He couldn’t even remember doing it, his only thoughts were towards finding shelter.

That’s why, when the storm calmed a little, and he saw a small hut deep into the forest, he didn’t think twice as he walked towards it.

He didn’t even think that it might not be the safe house his brother had told him about years ago.

The door was almost frozen shut, but he used all the power he had left to rip it open.

Cassian didn’t think like himself has he walked into the hut, turned and closed the door, before he took off the blanket and laid it over a small couch in the middle of the hut.

He didn’t think like he usually would, the cold was too deep into his bones and head. He just needed to heat up.

So, he was distracted. Almost in a fever dream.

That was until he suddenly felt a knife to his throat and an icy voice spoke:

“You better have a bloody good reason for being in my house.”

Cassian didn’t even have the time to answer before he passed out. His only thought was that he hoped Az wasn’t too disappointed with him.

He woke up warm. His body had stopped aching, and his mind felt fresh.

The memories rush back to him. He realized how stupid he had been when he wandered into a random house.

Cassian almost jumped out of the bed he had been sleeping in. If you could even call it a bed. It was made from wood, and it had no mattress only layers of wool and animal fur. He was glad he didn’t need to sleep in that every night.

The house was tiny. It didn’t look very sturdy or warm, which worried him since he was currently in the deepest woods of the Winter Court. The storms would only get worse the further into the fall they got.

“Who are you?”

He hadn’t even noticed the female that now looked directly at him. How she had managed to sneak up on him twice, he didn’t know. She was almost covered in warm clothes. Only her face wasn’t covered.

“I’m Cassian,” he answered. “Who are you?”

She looked pissed at him and looked like she under no circumstances wanted to answer him. She wasn’t the tallest, but she looked intimidating. He had to admit, she reminded him of Nesta.

“You have five seconds to explain yourself,” she told him. Her hand laid on the knife at her side.

“I’m from the Night Court,” he told her. This was a safe house, or so he had figured. He wouldn’t have survived the night hurt in a random female’s house. And by the way she had welcomed him, he had no difficultly believing she would kill him without hesitation.

“Do you think I’m stupid?” she asked him next, and Cassian realized he might be wrong.

“Of course not, I only thought-”

The female let out a sigh and grabbed her knife. She moved faster than he expected her to. Fighting unarmed with an opponent with a knife, in a house the opponent knew a lot better than he did, wasn’t very smart. However, he didn’t have much choice. He could hear the wind almost screaming outside, so moving the fight outside wasn’t an option.

She made a move, and he had to jump away, he tried to fight back, but she knew exactly what he was planning on doing. He changed his tactic. It surprised her for the first couple of moves, but then she caught on. She not only knew all he was planning to do, she also got the upper hand too quickly.

He found no weaknesses. She never hesitated. She never lingered longer on one foot than the other. When he thought he had found something, she ended up changing her tactic.

She fought with such moved, he couldn’t even say where in Prythian she had learned to fight. It was a lot of Winter Court moves, but also from the other courts, and even some from the Night Court.

“I thought this was a,” he blocked one of her punches, “safe house.” He saw she heard his words, but she didn’t slow down. “I’m the general in the Night Court. Fuck-”, her knife cut some of his forearm. That was the fifth cut she had given him. “My mission went wrong. I needed shelter. There is no other reason to why I am here.”

Speaking made him just a little distracted, however, the female was such a good fighter that she only needed him to be a little distracted.

It only took her seconds to get him to the ground, with his hands on his back.

“This used to be a safe house,” she told him. Her voice was even more intimidating than before. “I removed it from the list when I quit my job. I expect you to be gone when I come back.”

She let go of him, only after giving him a last rough push into the floor. He heard how she stood up and walked out of her house.

However, the only thing he could think about was how his entire body ached. He was either getting too old, or this female was terrifyingly good.

“They fight like Illyrians. The extreme cold they’re taught in makes them even more dangerous.” Cassian explained. He had gotten home the day before. It didn’t take him long to start flying home after the female had beaten him to the ground. He only hoped he didn’t need to tell his brother about the embarrassment. Rhys would never let him forget it.

“Viviane has answered that they are looking into it, but we still don’t know who’s collaborating.”

Some parts of the Winter Court had started taking inspiration from the Illyrian camps. Kids from various ages were send to become warriors. The winter in Illyria is bad, but the ones in Winter is even worse. Too many kids had died and the High Lord of Winter, Kallias, had asked if they knew which Illyrian camp was helping Winter.

“They are threatening to go to war. The first of the kids are soon turning eighteen. They want to take over and wishes for Kallias and Viviane to leave their positions.”

Rhys looked exhausted. Both of them had carried a lot of guilt. The Illyrians had gotten a lot better. The females got treated better, the kids got to be kids before they were trained to be warriors.

However, knowing the worst parts of their culture also had gotten over to other courts, made them feel like they had failed.  

“None of the camps had showed any signs of communication with Winter. Nuala and Cerridwen have spent the entire week going from camp to camp unnoticed. Some of the spies in Winter have reported, but they do not know any more than what we do,” Rhys leaned back in his chair and ran a hand through his hair. As his hair moved, Cassian could see some strands of grey. Fuck, they were getting old. “Fifty children have frozen to death. We’ll have to find a way to stop it. You’re sure you didn’t find out anything more?”

He of course knew he had to tell his brother about the female, but he really didn’t want to. However, his brother immediately noticed Cass was thinking about something.

“What?” Rhys asked him with a smug smile.

“I wandered to one of the safe houses I thought we had. I met this female that beat the shit out of me. She knew all types of fighting. Both Illyrian and Winter, but also some parts from Autumn and Spring. If I changed my tactic, she caught the pattern within a couple of moves. She wondered why I was there and in the end, she told me it used to be a safe house, but she removed it from the list when she quit her job.”

“Her job? She used to work for us?” Rhys asked.

“I don’t know. I don’t know her name.”

“We should have different records about the different spies that have worked for us. If she worked for us and we don’t know who she is, she’s probably been a spy.”

Cassian again felt chills go down his back. He knew where they were going. He knew which room that stored the records about the spies.

Rhys reacted the same way Cassian did. The two of them stood up in silence and made their way out of Rhys’ office. It was like both of them were struggling to breathe as they walked through the corridor. They walked past all the painting Feyre had made throughout the years. Paintings of Feyre and Rhys, of Nyx and his wife Laverna together with their little Lia. Paintings of himself and Nesta and their two sons. Paintings of Mor and Emerie, and Amren and Varian.

However, he felt himself look away as they walked past the painting of Azriel. And he noticed Rhys doing the same. He felt chills once more.

They walked through the front door and made their way up to the House of Wind. They landed at the balcony and walked into the corridor. It was dark. They stopped in front of the door.

“I wasn’t prepared for this,” Rhys said as he let out a deep breath and opened the door.

Night chilled mist and cedar was the smell that hit them. Then, a cloud of dust.

They gave each other a hesitating look and then they stepped into Azriel’s office for the first time in seven years.

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Azriel x WinterCourt!reader

Cassian was hurt and exhausted as he fell into what he thought was a safehouse. However, in the house lived a female that was a too good fighter for her own good.

Cassian realizes the female is important and tries to get her to colaborate with her.

However, it seemed like she might be lot more important to him than what she's letting on

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Dividers by: @saradika-graphics

Masterlist

Series masterlist

They were going to lose this battle.

He had just given Azriel the command to get out and fight when they came flying in. He knew sending his brother would destroy his wings, but he only knew that if he hadn’t let him, he would have gone anyway.

He had just commanded Azriel to take the northern flank and Cassian to take the southern one, when a warrior with mesmerising iridescent wings landed beside them. Above them thousands of warriors halted in the sky. After him came five more warriors. Two females and three males.

They walked carefully across and stopped beside Cassian in a comfortable distance.

“You’re Cassian,” the male said, and Cassian nodded. “Our General told us to talk to you about where you wanted us. We’re not trained in ground battle, but we’re good in the sky.”

Cassian looked carefully over at Rhys and Azriel, and it was first then Rhys noticed how intensely Azriel looked at the male speaking.

Rhys saw it then. The eyes colour and the shape of the nose.

Out of the other warriors, the two females also shared similar features.

“How many are you?”

“About 2500. The next group left a couple of minutes after us.”

Y/n always talked about her people as her family, he guessed that’s why he never realized just how big this family was. He should have understood that if she herself had 17 children, the rest of her people had many children as well.

2500 extra warriors on their sides. He didn’t dare to hope.

He also realized how far they must be from their territory and that most, if not all, hadn’t been outside in almost 450 years. However, they had come to help them.

How had their general managed that?

“And, you are?” Cassian asked the male. While both Rhys and Az knew about the people, Cassian still seemed hesitant.

“I’m Kyle, second in command.”

That was Y/n’s oldest child, Rhys realized. The one she had cried about when he turned 600 years. Her “baby”. He looked a lot like her. Both in his features and the way he carried himself.

“And your general? He decided to sit this one out?” Cassian again asked a little harshly. Cassian hated generals that didn’t take part in battle, but Kyle just shook his head.

“Do not think little off our general. She’s unable to fly, so she joined the ground forces,” he answered. A female general wasn’t usual in Prythian. Even though there was more and more of them, it was still rare.

Rhys was about to turn to ask Azriel if he knew who this general was, but his brother no longer stood where he was seconds ago.

And that’s when Rhys understood just who this female general was.

The relief still sat heavy in his body. They had all survived. All of them stood together in the tent to debrief. All of them were exhausted, but none of them were seriously hurt. Or at least not anymore. They had healed quickly.

Feyre stood close to his side, and he couldn’t wait for it all to calm down and for him to just spend some time holding her.

Then the doors of the tent flew open.

In walked first a tiny female with iridescent wings, she wore the same fighting leathers as the rest of her people had. In her arms she carried a bunch of wings. Broken, cut off wings that only meant that their carriers were dead. Rhys felt his heart fall deep. It was awful.

Behind the female walked Y/n and Rhys could hear Azriel’s breath catch.

Y/n didn’t wear the leathers the rest of her family wore, she carried an Illyrian leather jacket. A jacket that was so big, she had folded up the arms and had closed it with a belt around her waist instead of using the normal ties. It was a custom jacket with the space for seven siphons.

He glanced slowly at Azriel and realized he wore his old leathers. He must have somehow found Y/n and forced her to take his own leathers. Rhys didn’t know enough about Y/n, but he knew she was stubborn enough to not take the leathers his brother presented her. He could almost imagine Azriel trying to convince her not to fight.

“High Lord, High Lady” Y/n spoke and the female beside her bowed slightly. She still had not acknowledged Azriel.

“Thirty years in the same room and you failed to mention that you were the general.”

“I didn’t fail to tell you, I actively chose not to,” she answered, and Rhys felt the need to roll his eyes at her. He would never get to learn this female. “I present to you the wings of our fallen. If you cut a piece and lay it over the wound, it will heal. Grind a piece of a decent size to a powder and mix with water and the internal wounds will heal.”

The other female handed the wings to Feyre.

It was such an important gift. Rhys realized how painful it must be. How they had known all the fae that had lost their wings.

“Thank you. We understand the importance of your gift, but don’t you need them yourself?” Rhys asked. “Have you many harmed?”

“Our magic doesn’t work on ourselves, only our own wings work,” she explained, and Rhys found it mean. Why couldn’t they heal themselves? Why was losing a wing so groundbreaking and dangerous, for them not even be able to heal themselves. “Every life lost is one too many, but we’ve been lucky. We’ve given wings to all the courts. The ones with the most losses have gotten the most.”

Rhys nodded at her. He wondered if she had lost any of her own children or siblings, but it felt wrong to ask. Too personal after she had introduced the conversation in such a formal way.

“Sarah, you can leave now,” Y/n told the female standing beside her. Sarah was her second youngest. The one Azriel had found in the woods when she was only two. Y/n and Sarah didn’t really look alike at all. Sarah opened her mouth to protest, but Y/n didn’t let her. “That’s an order Sarah.”

Sarah let out a sigh but did as her mother and general said.

The second she stepped out of the tent, Y/n made her way to Azriel. For each step she took, her wings glowed brighter and brighter. Rhys had never seen her wings as bright as when she stopped before him. He let an amused smile grow on his face.

“Spymaster.”

“General,” he answered with a nod towards the opening of the tent. “Little Sarah is not as little anymore.”

“Little Sarah is over 500 years,” Y/n answered, but after that her features softened. “Are you hurt?”

“Not beyond repair,” he answered just as softly. He lifted his hand and brushed her hair away from her face. A couple small bleeding wounds covered her face and the rest of her body. “You’re bleeding.”

“It will heal,” she answered plainly.

“In how long?” Azriel asked as his throat bobbed.

“A couple of days.” Azriel nodded at her answer. “Kyle is flying home with the rest of our family. I’m staying to make sure the wounded ones get home. I must go help them leave, but I’ll be back and explain later this evening.”

“You better be,” Azriel told her, and Rhys almost felt shivers down his spine from the iciness in his voice.

“I keep my promises, Spymaster,” she answered harshly.

“Oh, I know you do, General,” he spoke just as harshly.

Rhys thought back to what Azriel had told him. That Y/n had promised to protect him from danger. And that if any danger ever occurred, she would make sure it didn’t happen again.

She had kept that promise and sacrificed their love for one another.

Rhys didn’t know if it was romantic or toxic.

They gave each other a nod and Rhys was convinced Y/n was about to leave, but instead she closed the distance between them and kissed Azriel almost passionately.

Then, she walked away without another word. Azriel didn’t move after her, but his shadows did. It was almost unnatural to see Azriel without a single shadow.

“What was that?” Cassian was the first to speak.

Rhys was about to reach into Azriel’s mind and give him the rest of the night, or week, or month or year off, but he didn’t need too.

He saw the determination in his brother’s face, and it only took him three more seconds to run out the tent after her.

Rhys then felt the familiar feeling of his mate trying to get through his mental shield.

“Yes, Feyre darling,” he spoke knowingly.

“You have to tell me everything.”

“I don’t think I will.”

Azriel had ended up taking first a week and then an entire month off. Then, he had been in Velaris for a week, before he asked for another month off.

Rhys loved having his brother nearby, but he also loved that he and Y/n finally took some time for themselves to get to know each other again.

“I promise to do what I can to keep you safe,” Y/n had promised him in their wedding vows. Her way of keeping him safe, was staying away from him after he had gotten hurt, so that the bounty hunters didn’t hurt him again.

Azriel had willingly told him that, but other than that, Rhys had kept away. He had given them the privacy they needed and asked for.

He realized both Az and Y/n had a lot of trauma they needed to work through. Y/n had the world on her shoulders. She was not only the mother to so many, but also the general to all her people. He understood now that she worked to keep Azriel safe, because that was what she did. She protected her children and family, she protected all of her people and she needed to protect Azriel.

Azriel on the other hand needed something or someone of his own. He needed her stability or their relationship to be their own.

Their needs were very different, or at least Rhys would expect them to be, but neither one of them had spoken to him about it.

He knew too much to not be curious, but too little to understand what was going on.  

He also knew for a fact that Feyre, Cassian and Mor had asked Azriel to bring Y/n to family dinner, but that he never answered them when they did.

That was until a year after the war, when the two of them suddenly showed up.

After spending two full months together, they had gone back to “normal”. Which to them meant Azriel working normally and always taking a day or two extra on missions to be with her. Unless it was something urgent.

He didn’t speak about her. He didn’t talk about how they were doing, and Rhys knew better than to ask. He wouldn’t get an answer if he did.

“Hi,” Y/n spoke awkwardly and Azriel let out a snort at her. She mocked him back.

The rest of them had already started eating, but Azriel found chairs for both, and they sat down. None of them knew how to act. They sat in silence and just watched for a few seconds.

Y/n’s wings were glowing and lit up the room. It took all the other’s attention. Rhys was used to seeing the glow, but he had never seen it so vibrant. It made him happy to see. It was obvious that their relationship was doing okay. Azriel even rested a hand on her thigh.

He wore a ring.

They hadn’t been wearing rings before, or not that Rhys knew about. But now, both had rings on their fingers.

It was small but obvious: they were married and each other’s. Finally.

“I don’t think we have a vegetarian alternative ready,” Rhys spoke before Feyre could fill their places with food.

“That’s fine, we ate before we got here,” Y/n answered.

“Why be a vegetarian when there is so much good meat out there?” Cassian asked and the conversation started boldly. Y/n did great throughout the entire dinner. Both she and Azriel answered a few questions, but Rhys had made peace with the fact that they would never learn all there was to know about their relationship. It was something for them to keep to themselves.

Later in the evening, they had all moved to the living room for drinks and as Feyre and Mor started dancing, Y/n sat down next to Rhys.

“I think we were lucky,” she told him. “Lucky we had so many good people looking after us when we got out.”

“Wouldn’t have made it without them,” he answered and took a few moments to look at everyone. “I’m glad you’re happy.”

“I’ve never been happier,” she answered, and Rhys noticed how she watched only Azriel.

“Me neither,” he agreed as he looked at Feyre’s smile.

It had been a couple of years, and even though they didn’t hear much about it, Azriel was happily married. While Az attended every family dinner, Y/n only showed up once or twice a year. It was always unannounced, and she never ate the food.

 It was one time, they had all gotten together for dinner and waited for Azriel to arrive. He was a little late which was unusual.

“I need help,” Azriel said as he walked into the River House. “From all of you.”

It only took them seconds to stand up and be ready. It was Rhys, Feyre, Nesta, Cass, Mor and Amren.

“What’s going on?” Rhys asked.

“I don’t have time to explain, we have to go now,” he answered.

They became worried and Azriel showed the place they were going to Feyre and Rhys.

Azriel shadowwalked Cassian, while Feyre and Rhys winnowed Nesta, Mor and Amren.

They landed in a clearing in the Dawn Court filled with flowers of all kinds. However, he saw no tulips. It had gotten dark, but it was decorated with both lights and fireflies. However, that didn’t matter, because most of the light came from the wings of about 150 faeries that stood speaking.

“What’s going on?” Feyre asked Azriel. But he didn’t answer her.

“I need you two in the front,” he told Rhys and Cass.

 In the front was a beautiful house. A house that yelled “I’m the coziest place in Prythian.”

A house Rhys had seen in Y/n’s memories.

It was Azriel’s and Y/n’s home. It was the house that Y/n’s father, son and previous partner had built. However, Y/n and Azriel had made it into a home. Rhys could see details from both of them just from the exterior.

He could imagine Y/n in the garden and Azriel working on the house.

It felt correct for the two of them. If Rhys was going to imagine where they lived, it would be exactly like the house.

Az, Cass and he walked and stopped in front of all the people. The rest of their family stopped in the front as well, but a few meters away from them.

Opposite of them stood three females. Rhys recognized one of them as Sarah, Y/n’s daughter.

The second they stood still in the front, all the people stopped talking, and inn walked Y/n. She was walking arm in arm with a male. Rhys didn’t know who he was, but he looked familiar.

She carried a bouquet of white and orange roses.

Roses, not tulips.

“Are you getting married again?” he asked his brother, but Azriel could see nobody else than Y/n.

Y/n and the male stopped a couple steps in front of them. She wore an ordinary and cute dress, and her hair was filled with flowers.

“You could have told me your husband looks like a god,” the male loudly whispered to Y/n.

“I think I have, multiple times,” she told him back. “Now go to your own husband Sky, this one is mine.”

Rhys could almost see Azriel getting weak at the knees.

Sky was Y/n’s previous partner and the father to all her children. He smiled at all of them before he went to stand next to Kyle.

Then, Y/n took Azriel’s hand, and a priestess walked up behind them.

“We are here today to witness the vow renewal of Y/n and Azriel. Or, a second wedding, as the couple likes to call it.”

A small gasp went through the people and Rhys realized no one there knew what was going on. Had they told anyone at all?

“Love comes in many different forms. It comes in daring to leave one’s home to be with someone else. Love is protecting, but love is also daring to live through the danger. Love is knowing and relearning year after year after year.

“Y/n and Azriel met in the first war. The adventurous Sarah had started to fly and went exploring. Azriel had found her and made sure she found her way back to her mom unharmed. It then took 150 years for them to meet again. 150 years where Azriel’s shadows, without his knowing, always looked out for the female with the determined look and fantastic wings. When they first did meet again, it took them no less than 255 years to get married.”

A happy laughter went through the crowd.

Azriel and Y/n laughed too, but they were still only looking at each other.

“Y/n describes loving Azriel as not knowing if he’s coming home covered in his own or someone else’s blood. She also describes it as a safety net. She knows he will always be there for her and for that she is grateful. Her favourite thing is when he cooks, and she knows that he loves it even though he pretends not to.”

Rhys had never ever seen Azriel cook.

“Azriel describes loving Y/n as a new adventure every day. He describes it as not knowing if she is crying because someone died or because one of her children turned a year older. He also describes her as his stability. He knows that it doesn’t matter where and when, he can always come home to a home filled with flowers and a fresh, vegetarian meal on the stove. His favourite thing is when she sings when she thinks nobody is listening, but his shadows always dance a little extra when they hear her songs.”

Rhys saw multiple people crying. He saw what must be either Y/n’s mother or sister hugging Sky.

“It’s now time for your vows.”

Azriel picked up a note from his pocket.

“Y/n, you are the most stubborn and annoying female I have ever met,” he got interrupted by Y/n’s laugh. His shadows were swirling around both and them and he softened a little at the sound. “However, it has never been hard to love you. We have gone from strangers to friends to lovers to husband and wife and then back to strangers. The last couple of years getting to know us again has been the most amazing in my life and I can’t wait to keep going. You gave me another chance, both at life by healing me, but also at love. I’m in love will all of you and even though a know you know it, I will never stop saying that I’m the proudest to be your husband.”

Y/n didn’t have a note.

“Azriel, I have brought most of my closest family here today, both because I wanted them here, but also for them to be there to keep me in check. I previously vowed to keep you safe. It’s been a vow I’ve given to so many people in my life, I didn’t realize how different it would be giving it to you. I can’t keep you safe, Az, and I have learned that now. However, I can give you all the love and it’s my favourite thing. I love seeing your cute dimples and your shadows special dance. I know I will get scared again, I know I will mess up, and therefore I have my family here, so that they can kick me out of our territory when they need to. I love the life we have made, and I can’t wait for it to continue and continue and continue. I’m lucky in many ways, but I’m the luckiest when I get to be your wife.”

A tear fell from her eye, and it wasn’t only Rhys that got surprised that Y/n was crying about someone other than her children.

“You may now kiss your wife,” the priestess spoke, and Y/n closed the distance between her and Azriel.

The second their lips touched multiple people yelled “Ew!”

“Oh, shut up,” Y/n spoke and then she leaned back in to kiss Azriel again. It must have been Y/n’s children, Rhys realized.

The ceremony ended and everybody wanted to talk to the two of them. Azriel was bombarded with questions and even though Rhys expected Az to get overwhelmed, he did quite well.

“Come here,” a loud voice sounded, and Y/n got engulfed in a hug. “Good job, I never expected you to actually manage this.”

“It’s good to know you have such high expectations for me, mother,” she spoke back.

Her mother then let her go and quickly gave Azriel the same tight hug.

It kept going. Rhys got to meet Y/n’s children, friends, siblings, grandparents and grandchildren. He lost track after a while. He had counted 11 children though. Three had died earlier on, but there was three more that weren’t there. He hoped it was different reasons for them not to be there and that they hadn’t died.

“How many of them are there?” Feyre asked him after a while.

“Too many,” was his only answer.

All of them asked about Azriel. While Y/n had been to Velaris a couple of times, Azriel had never been inside their territory. Most of Y/n’s family hadn’t been outside their territory either, so most of them hadn’t met him.

While most of them stayed, some of Y/n’s family went back home. It seemed like it wasn’t for everyone to stay outside the safety barrier for such a long time.

“High lady, high lord,” a voice sounded beside them, and there stood Kyle.

“No need for the titles, we’re just Rhys and Feyre,” Feyre told him. He nodded in agreement.

“You’re Y/n’s oldest,” Rhys spoke next. “She told me about you.”

“I know, that’s why I’m here. I wanted to thank you for keeping my mom safe. I know she thanked you, but I really wanted to thank you too. I don’t know what we would have done without her.”

“We saved each other. I wouldn’t have made it either if she wasn’t there.”

Their conversation stopped, when Y/n and Azriel stopped beside them.

“Thank you for coming,” Y/n told all three of them, but hugged only Kyle.

“You could’ve told us you were doing this! We don’t have a gift or anything,” Feyre told them.

“Pretending it was an hurt animal that needed help was smart though, you got everybody out quickly,” Kyle told Y/n. “But I would have liked to dress up a little more for my mother’s wedding.”

“Knowing takes the fun out of it,” Y/n answered. “We didn’t even know we were doing this until this morning. It was a surprise for all of us.”

They continued speaking, but Azriel didn’t really partake in the conversation. He only looked peacefully at his wife.

Rhys realized how long Azriel must have been longing for this. To be able to watch his wife, hold and hand and tell people about it.

Azriel looked the happiest he had ever seen him. His posture was soft and so was his gaze. He smiled and laughed throughout the entire evening.

They had prepared food. A lot of vegetarian dishes, but at the opposite side of the table, stood one lonely dish with meat. All of it tasted amazingly.

Y/n and Azriel kept to themselves for most of the evening. They danced and laughed and ate. Y/n danced once with Sky and once with Kyle, but other than that she stayed with by Azriel’s side.

Then the celebrations eventually stopped, and they went to say goodbye, Rhys noticed the flower in Azriel’s hair.

It was a rose given to him from Y/n.

He wouldn’t be surprised if Azriel kept that single rose forever.

Thank you so much for reading!

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“That’s her, isn’t it?” Y/n asked him.

She had recently been ordered to be Lucien’s servant, so she stood at the opposite side of the throne hall than he did.

Lucien was a good male, or so he had heard, so he didn’t worry too much about it.

He himself stood frozen still at just listen to the girl standing before them.

Feyre.

His Feyre.

“That’s Tamlin’s girl, yes,” he answered as calmly as he could. Tamlin’s girl…

But he was not calm. He was freaking out. How had she gotten back to here? He thought he had scared her away. He thought she would be safe and alive in the mortal world.

“We both know that’s not what I am talking about,” Y/n answered matter of factly and he could feel her stare from the other side of the hall.

He cursed himself for telling her about his dreams. The hands and the paintings that had lived in his dreams for the past three years. The dreams that had given him hope and courage to keep going, to keep living.

And now, his hope currently stood before him, facing certain death.

 “That’s her yes,” he answered plainly.

“I’m sorry,” she told him back. Like she already knew that Feyre would be dead sooner rather than later.

Y/n was very pessimistic. He had learned that about her early on. In situations where Rhys tried to find hope, she often made peace with the worst outcome.

A different coping mechanism than he liked, but it seemed to work for her. She never got her hopes up and also never got her hopes crushed.

She was strong like that.

It hadn’t been long ago when she randomly told him she couldn’t even imagine a world where she would be back home. Back with her family. Back with Azriel.

She hadn’t cried as she told her. She had just stared far into the fireplace.

He didn’t tell her back that he was thinking the same. He needed to be the positive one.

However, it had been soon five decades without them, and he couldn’t remember their voices even if he tried.

They had an evening where they talked about their families. Y/n explained that she was the oldest of her siblings and that it was almost thirty years until her closest sibling. There was a brother in between them, but he died at birth.

“Both my mother and I had stillborn as our seconds. Sebb, my son, was born without wings. He didn’t breathe as he was born. My brother was born too early.” It broke his heart to hear about all the horrors she had experienced with childbirth. “I love all my children. I would never want to live without them, but I wish they had been made by love and not force.”

“You were bred to make more faeries with wings, right? But to use the wings you’d die?”

“They wanted as many as possible of us to use in the war,” she answered. “They mostly wanted the men to fight and when they died or were unable to fight anymore, they’d take their wings. All the men above 18 had to fight in the war. They were only allowed back once or twice a week to ensure the pregnancies kept going. Or, if it had been twenty years without having a pregnancy both the male and the female got their wings cut off. That’s how my daughter Cindy died. It was awful.”

Rhys remembered from the first memory she had shown him that losing both wings were the most painful death they could have. He couldn’t imagine being a parent and knowing his child had gone through that as they died.

“How many of your children are dead?” he asked carefully.

“Three,” she answered. “As I know of. Sebb, Cindy and Jesper. Jesper died in the war. He and Cindy was close in age, but died at different times. There’s also Oscar. He lost his left hand in the war. However, he and Trace are identical twins, so it makes it easy to tell them apart.”

They laughed a little at that.

“Illyrian males often try to clip the wings of their females. My dad saves mom seconds before her own wings were clipped, but it was only because she was his mate. I banned wing clipping the second I became High Lord, but I fear they have gone back to old traditions now that we’re not there to keep them in check.”

He thought about it often. How there was no one with power to take care of the females. He knew it didn’t take many hours for illyrians to kill and torture females, so he didn’t even want to imagine the damage they had done in fifty years.

“Every time I see a female with clipped wings I feel like I let them down.”

“Every time a child or sibling of mine turned 18 I felt like I had lost too. The world definitely has changed since we last experienced it. It’s a lot of steps backwards, but I’m sure we’ll get through it eventually. Maybe even improve some of it.”

Rhys felt almost confused about her positive tone, but at the same time it lightened his bad mood.

It had been fifty years. Fifty years where he had strived to keep going. He was not going to stop on the finish line.

“That was stupid,” Rhys told Y/n as he threw a healing tonic her way. “Reckless, uncalled for, and so fucking stupid.”

“It had to be done,” she told him.

He did his best to not notice all the wounds she was currently carrying. All the small cuts and the bruises from the whip. He knew she would be…weakened for the next couple of days.

“They found you helping him. They found you and knew you had been stealing from them-”

“What do you expect me to do?” she raised her voice back. Y/n rarely raised her voice. This was only the second time it had happened. “She’s a girl, Rhys. She’s nineteen. Nineteen-year-olds shouldn’t need to fight for the life of an entire world. They should worry about their crushes and their appearance, not how to survive three impossible tasks against an evil witch. If me helping Lucien heal by stealing a tonic will save her, then I will do it again, and again, and again.”

He understood why this was hard for her. Y/n had raised so many babes, and while not all of them reached the age of 19, she probably saw her own children or herself in Feyre. She had only been 18 when her traumatic tasks began, and even though their tasks are very different, she didn’t want Feyre to go through any of it.  

19 year olds shouldn’t need to do anything of importance, he agreed in that, but Y/n was putting herself in too much danger.

“Y/n, if they now decide to, they can choose to sentence you for other missing things too. They know you have been stealing, and they were kind with this punishment. So, please, be careful.”

He knew better than to ask her to stay away. She was stubborn and brave, sometimes a little reckless, but for the most part smart and collected. Y/n did what was the best for others, he knew that.

She had given her brother a part of her own body for cauldron’s sake.

 “We need to protect her, Rhys. She’s our only hope right now and she will need help. She will need healing. Humans heal slowly. Even slower than I do.”

They hadn’t discussed her slow healing since she showed him what had happened. How her wing had melted into his brother’s chest and healed it within seconds. How she had forced the shadows to come get them, and how she had hidden away before he and Cass had gotten there.

Azriel had been healed in only a couple of hours.

Rhys remembered the golden swirl that had taken place on his brother’s chest. The swirl that Y/n’s wing used to have.

It made him nauseous, but at the same time, he couldn’t imagine a world without his brother. And Y/n couldn’t either.

“Amarantha can’t find out that we’re helping Feyre. She’ll probably kill both of us, and Feyre.”

“We’ll have to find a way to help her that doesn’t seem like helping. Feyre doesn’t have to thrive; she must only survive. Tamlin isn’t going to do anything, and not any of the other High Lords either. So, we’ll have to do it.”

And that’s how they managed to come up with a plan that made Feyre hate them, but it at least kept her alive.

They had done it. They were free. Amarantha was dead. Feyre was alive.

Cauldron, they had actually done it.

Rhys was too exhausted, but if had carried a little more energy, he would have almost danced on the way to his room.

He opened the room and found it…empty?

“Y/n?” he asked aloud, but he got no answer.

He looked around and noticed the letter folded neatly in front of the fireplace.

Dear Rhys,

Thesan will soon winnow me home.

I will make sure all my family know how you saved me. How you helped me keep going. It will never be forgotten.

If you for any reason need it, you have friends in Dawn that will help you or your people. Azriel will know where we are.

Please know that as you are reading this, I’m hugging all my children and grandchildren and bawling my eyes out.

Thank you again,

Your roomie

She had drawn a heart over the i in Azriel.

He wasn’t surprised she left without a proper goodbye, but he had just always imagined taking her back to Velaris. To Azriel.

He guessed Cornelius would let Azriel know.

“They’re going beat you up,” Mor told him as he flew them to the House.

“I certainly hope so,” he answered. “If they don’t, something is seriously wrong.”

He landed on the balcony, and it only took seconds for his brothers to arrive. They were both sweaty and looked tried, but they had smiles on their faces.

To his relief, they looked like they always had.

“You bastard,” Cassian beamed at him as he hugged him tightly.

Rhys thought he had cried out all his tears with Mor, but a couple more of them still fell down his face. His brothers were safe, pissed at him, but safe. That was more than he could ask for.

Azriel carefully joined the hug and Cassian almost engulfed both of them.

Rhys suddenly started to think about the heart Y/n had written over Azriel’s name. Suddenly realized that Azriel had someone way more important than him to welcome home.

He broke out of the hug and turned to Azriel.

“Get to your wife,” he almost commanded. “Now.”

Azriel’s eyes widened, but it didn’t take him many seconds to fly off the balcony and disappear into the shadows.

“You met her?” Mor asked him and Cassian also looked over at him.

“Yes,” he answered plainly, but decided to wait to talk, until Y/n had told Azriel all she wanted him to know. He didn’t want to overstep. “I definitely met her.”

Rhys had slept at the Townhouse, but he had heard from Cassian that Azriel had arrived back home within a couple of hours. Which made no sense.

Something obviously wasn’t right.

The next time he saw him, he looked at him with a raised bow, but Azriel didn’t answer. He didn’t say anything in a couple of days actually, but that wasn’t unusual.

Therefore, Rhys decided to just ask his brother.

“I get it that you worry, but if you could leave my love life alone, I would appreciate that brother,” was Azriel’s only answer. He spoke in such a calm, but lethal voice that Rhys knew he had to let the topic go.

And, as Feyre started to take up more and more space in his head and heart, he didn’t even think about it that often.

Until one evening.

It was almost a random day. Feyre and Mor had wanted to have girls’ night, so he and Cassian had prepared a boys’ night.

However, Azriel showed up late. And he was drunk. Which was very unusual. Azriel never acted drunk when he was drunk, but his hiccups always gave him away.

“What’s going on?” Rhys asked, but he knew Azriel probably didn’t want to talk about anything. But he also suspected he knew what was wrong.

Both Cassian and Mor had pointed out how Az spent a lot of time in Velaris between missions. It didn’t seem like he was a lot with Y/n.

“Nothing,” he answered and sat down in the couch beside Cassian.

“Trouble with the wife?” Cassian asked, and Rhys felt relived he didn’t need to ask him. He felt he had made too much trouble about it already.

“I’m not even sure I have a wife,” Azriel answered honestly and both Rhys and Cass got a bit surprised. “Haven’t seen her in 53 years.”

He picked up his cup with a hiccup and poured some wine into it.

53 years. That’s one more year than Amarantha. Why had they been apart for an entire year before that? Rhys tried to think back, but he couldn’t remember anything of significance.

He also couldn’t remember Y/n mentioning anything about it. She hadn’t talked about not seeing Azriel for a long time.

But, Y/n had also never freely spoken about Az. She had always lowered her voice and thought twice before she spoke. Had she tried to keep from him the fact that their relationship had paused?

He was about to ask Az, but he just kept speaking. He was definitely drunk.

“I mean, I know she’s been there. I smell her in our house all the time,” he drank the rest of the wine in his cup. “But she’s never there when I get there. She leaves flowers there as usual and there’s always food in the cabinets, but I still never see her. It’s like she’s taking care of me from afar.”

“Why is she leaving before you get there?” Rhys asked.

He thought back to all the times Y/n had spoken about Azriel and all the times her wings had glowed. He thought about the smile she wore only when speaking about him.

But he also saw the embarrassment and guilt in her features. He thought about her hanging wings and her distant eyes.

“She promised to protect me,” he answered. “She vowed to do all she could to keep me safe. I didn’t realize how seriously she would take it.”

Y/n hadn’t kept him safe. He had almost died in her arms, and she had been willing to protect him with her life. She stayed away from him to protect him. To make sure if the bounty hunters came back, they would take her and not Az.

Rhys opened his mouth to ask questions. He didn’t really know what to ask. If they could help. Or if it was something he needed.

But it seemed like Azriel realized he had just spoken freely about his emotions, and it didn’t take long for him to stand up and walk away.

Rhys and Cass sat in silence for a long time.

Rhys had tried going to bed, but falling asleep without Feyre in his arms proved to be a struggle.

He was up and awake when he heard a knock on his door.

To his surprise, and total horror, Madja stood on the other side of the door.

She was going to tell him that one of them had died. That the mission at Hybern had done so badly that he had not only lost his mate to his enemy court, but also that one of his brother’s had died from the injuries.

“What’s going on?” he asked her before she could speak.

“I honestly have no clue,” Madja answered, and they walked silently to the clinic.

As they walked inside Azriel’s room, he soon understood what had happened. Azriel’s chest was glowing in small swirls.

“The wound healed itself, I only barely had time to clean it before it was closed,” Madja told him, and he only shook his head in relief.

“It’s a special kind of magic. It healed him before, so it’s healing him now too,” he informed Madja, but Madja still looked confused at him. “There’s this healing magic from Dawn. It’s not known amongst many, and there’s a good reason for it. These fae can heal, but they also get weakened by it. Their own healing abilities die down. If they take too much, they die themselves.”

“Such a sacrifice can’t have been made easily. He’s lucky to be alive.”

Rhys stayed by Azriel’s side for a while, before he decided to move to Cassian’s room. He turned at the door and looked back at his brother. His chest was almost not glowing anymore, and Rhys hoped it meant that he was healing properly.

“Oh, Y/n,” he muttered as he left the room.

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