i cursed the breath of the sea.

mason didn’t know what got into him. all he could see and feel is rage. it wasn’t fair to ethan. their arrangement had worked before tonight. mason fucked it all up like he normally did. he had told himself that he was capable of seeing him with other people. he didn’t have to worry about anything because it didn’t bother him (when it clearly did). throwing the first punch had set something off in him, his adrenaline was high and he felt like he was so high off the ground that nothing could ground him, but as soon as ethan took his hand he had snapped out of it, looking at ethan like he was looking for an answer he didn’t know that he wanted to find. he looked at the other guy that was on the other side of mason, not knowing what to say, he didn’t get in these kind of fights often and surely not over a guy. he shook his head, backing away from it, but knowing that he couldn’t run away from this. he couldn’t be a coward about it. “fuck,” he said, moving passed ethan. he picked the guy up from the ground and he didn’t seem to keen on it because he pushed mason back and he held his arms up like he didn’t mean any harm despite the fact that his nose was bloody. now wouldn’t be an appropriate time to tell him that he was an emt. what kind of emt punches a guy? was the first thought he had before eventually he backed away. “i’m fine, ethan,” he snapped, not liking how it sounded. “i’m fine.” he said again, his hand was shaking and he knew that there’d be slight bruising. “i need to get ice and a bandage,” he said, rattling off his necessities making eye contact with ethan again. “i---” he stops, not knowing what to say, other than everything he wants to say. mason had never been good at letting people in, especially the people that he cared about. “i’m sorry, fuck,”

ty didn’t know what to do. he felt trapped in this house that felt like was getting tinier and tinier. he wanted to escape, it was too hot, too crowded, too everything. he tried to control his breathing, identifying objects to ground him. he didn’t know why it hurt other than the fact that it just did. because he had these feelings for finn for so long and he never had to think about that big ‘what if’ and now that it was quite literally being thrown in his face he had to accept it. accept the fact that maybe it wasn’t meant to be. tyler had been out for so long and he often felt so alone, in a sea of people who didn’t understand or didn’t know what to do with him. he bit his bottom lip, trying to think of where he could escape to knowing all the rooms were filled with people and the bathroom had a line out the door. hearing finn call out his name made him wince and when he turned around he had laughed awkwardly, shaking his head. “hey, no it’s--it’s fine,” it was fine, it was fine, it was fine. if he thought it enough it would come true. the years of pining, years of imagining what this kind of talk would be like had been shattered because he didn’t imagine it coming down like this. but that was the trouble when you lived in your head like ty did. things get ruined and people get hurt if you wait long enough. he gulped, shrugging. there was nothing left to lose. “yeah, where do you want to go?” he rubbed his arm, feeling a cold chill run throughout his body as he examined the side of finn’s face, wanting so badly to reach out and touch where she touched, to place his lips against his neck and hold him close like he imagined, and it was a selfish thought, but he couldn’t help it. 

he thought he could handle it. the night was fine, every one of their friends was great, supportive, never picked sides when it came to the two of them, made time to hang out with both when they could. mason was gone a lot though, often putting his work before his social life. (often putting work before a lot of things, honestly.) they’ve been at the bar for a while, their friends slowly starting to go their separate ways or order more drinks and sticking with their partners like mason should have been. should. seeing his ex for the first time in a couple of months was like the punch in the gut that he had knew was coming but still flinched at anyway. he took another drink of his beer for the liquid encouragement eyeing them for a moment before looking at their mutual friend and walking over. “you came,” mason says with a small smile, it doesn’t quite catch his eye. “missed out on the couples karaoke and the unexpected flashmob of john lennon’s imagine,” 

it was another party, ty was attempting to take photos of it, to commemorate the end of summer. it started out fine, he had gotten a nice buzz and smoked a little weed and for the most part he hung out with his close friends from high school that were only here until the middle of august before they all went their separate ways again back to college. he can’t remember really anything memorable happening other than the karaoke that was still currently going on. tyler was looking for finn, he was drunk enough to want to talk about this thing between them. maybe it was a spark, maybe it was a misunderstanding from tyler--he’d never know, it was always a complicated line when you had feelings for someone you’d consider a best friend. he had his camera around his neck, snapping pictures of couples canoodling on the side, or playing beer pong on the patio. he pulled one of their friends aside asking where finn was and they pointed towards a general direction. upstairs, maybe looking for more alcohol. he took a deep breath, looking in all the rooms until the last one. when he opens the door he doesn’t know what to expect, it definitely wasn’t finn in the arms of someone else. he feels like something is stuck in his throat and he gulps, laughing awkwardly. “shit, sorry, i--i, uh, thought this was the bathroom,” he says and his voice quivers a little, unable to look away until he forces himself to. “sorry,” he says again, slamming the door behind him. he didn’t know where to go now. he felt lost in a sea of people. 

mason can’t remember the last time he felt this hot anger bubble inside of him. can’t remember what it was like to feel anything like this if he was honest. it was the kind of anger that felt cool to the touch at first, something that could be easily passed off before it started to fester. it was like a calm before a storm, his mother used to say to his father when they thought he wasn’t listening. he didn’t used to be like this, but it had gotten worse over the years, unable to handle the emotions that he was given. he was able to save lives as an emt but he could never quite save himself or the people close to him. watching ethan with another guy had stirred something in him, and he can’t remember how many drinks he had tonight but he was working on impulse, taking another shot of vodka knowing he’ll feel it in the morning but not caring anyway. he pushes past people, following after the two unable to really stay in a straight line. the problem with fucking with ‘no strings attached’ is the fact that it’s just unrealistic. “ethan,” he said, wanting to reach out to him, watching the way that the other guy looked at mason, like he was below him made him feel sick. without thinking he took the first punch, admittedly it wasn’t the most impactful of punches given how wasted he was but it was enough for the guy to trip back against the wall. fuck. 

jess can’t really remember who he wanted to be when he grew up. he doesn’t recall having any set goals other than maybe getting out of the foster system. it was like that, with most kids he grew up with. there was no long term goal, nothing to really reach for other than getting out of the hell hole that the foster system gave them. most dreams were short term, small things like going out to eat with your foster parents, maybe watching a new movie if there was enough money. jess was a different case, he didn’t see his parents for visitations like other kids, christmases were always so new and different but he still got something. it’s just how it went. it breaks his heart knowing that someone like nevaeh had no idea what she was doing with her life, it was like things had been kind of put on hold for the time being because of their wedding, their daughter, jess as a whole. it made him ache, wishing that he could help in some way. but he wasn’t ever good with words. “you still can be,” he says with a small smile. “it may take a while but...” he trailed off, looking down at their little girl. he doesn’t know if he’ll ever be in a place where he can ever have a job like a surgeon, it was a discussion that his parents and nevaeh’s had a lot when they thought he wasn’t listening. his disorder was like a volcano, it came, it happened, and then it left until the next one. he was unpredictable like that but dangerous. he gulped, grabbing her hand and caressing his thumb against her skin. “you can be anything you want to be. you’re more than just ‘nora’s mom’.” and he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “i think we can all use our own tutu.” jess said with a small smile.