Β Β Β one Β hand Β raises Β from Β the Β steering Β wheel Β to Β rub Β at Β his Β cheek, Β as Β if Β to Β wipe Β some Β of Β the Β deep Β confusion Β muddled Β there, Β in Β his Β features. Β somehow Β he Β couldnβt Β say Β the Β right Β words, Β couldnβt Β get Β her Β to Β understand Β what Β heβs Β trying Β to Β say. Β what Β was Β it, Β that Β he Β was Β trying Β to Β say,Β anywayΒ ? Β maybe Β thatβs Β the Β problem, Β that Β neither Β of Β them Β can Β speak Β truthfully, Β that Β they Β continue Β to Β wade Β around Β it, Β never Β fully Β delving Β in. Β he Β didnβt Β know Β how, Β exactlyββ Β he Β would Β much Β rather Β write Β about Β it, Β later, Β unleash Β it Β all Β with Β pen Β to Β paper. Β all Β the Β emotions, Β all Β the Β words Β he Β wished Β he Β had Β been Β able Β to Β string Β together Β in Β the Β moment, Β turned Β to Β lyrics Β on Β a Β page. Β βjesus Β christ, Β jac,β Β he Β mutters, Β confusion Β now Β morphing Β into Β frustration Β as Β her Β assumption Β hits Β the Β airββ Β as Β if Β you Β care. Β knuckles Β glow Β white Β in Β the Β carβs Β dim Β interior, Β jaw Β clenched Β so Β tightly Β heβs Β afraid Β it Β might Β snap. Β βwhy Β the Β fuck Β do Β you Β think Β iβve Β never Β had Β anything Β nice Β to Β say Β about Β him? Β itβs Β not Β my Β fault Β heβs Β an Β asshole. Β but Β no, Β apparently Β i Β donβt Β care,β Β tosses Β a Β glance Β in Β her Β direction, Β then, Β the Β strain Β ever Β present Β in Β his Β voice, Β melding Β with Β the Β bite Β of Β his Β sarcasm. Β in Β truth, Β he Β did Β careββΒ Β he Β thought Β showing Β up Β tonight Β at Β her Β call Β would Β prove Β enough, Β that Β he Β valued Β her Β more Β than Β the Β other Β male Β who Β left Β her Β there, Β so Β callously. Β thatβs Β why Β heβs Β so Β confused, Β so Β shocked Β with Β this Β sudden Β antagonism Β emanating Β from Β her Β side Β of Β the Β car. Β βit Β wasnβt Β a Β secret, Β you Β just Β never Β asked. Β why Β do Β you Β care Β so Β much Β that Β i Β was Β on Β a Β date? Β you Β never Β said Β anything Β about Β jess Β before Β this.β Β at Β least Β not Β to Β his Β recollection, Β but Β he Β was Β attempting Β to Β pull Β more Β out Β of Β her, Β something Β that Β sounded Β a Β little Β more Β like Β the Β truth, Β if Β he Β could. Β doesnβt Β push Β too Β hard, Β though, Β scared Β that Β heβs Β misreading Β it, Β that Β it Β isnβt Β jealousy Β heβs Β detecting Β in Β her Β tone, Β or Β if Β sheβs Β just Β taking Β her Β shitty Β night Β out Β on Β him. Β either Β way, Β his Β decision Β was Β clearββ Β he Β couldnβt Β leave Β her Β there, Β like Β ezra. Β even Β the Β sheer Β mention Β of Β his Β name Β could Β force Β his Β skin Β to Β crawl, Β for Β his Β own Β well Β of Β jealousy Β to Β rise. Β grey Β couldnβt Β understand Β why Β anyone Β would Β waste Β their Β time Β pining Β over Β someone Β who Β wouldnβt Β even Β spit Β on Β them Β if Β they Β were Β on Β fire. Β jac Β deserved Β better Β than Β that, Β at Β least. Β he Β wasnβt Β sure Β if Β he Β was Β what Β she Β deserved, Β if Β he Β might Β be Β any Β better, Β in Β the Β end, Β but Β at Β least Β he Β wouldnβt Β dare Β to Β ditch Β her Β outside Β a Β busy Β club Β in Β the Β middle Β of Β the Β night. Β seems Β as Β though Β sheβs Β finally Β realizing Β that, Β too, Β or Β at Β least, Β the Β tideβs Β shifting, Β somewhat, Β glancing Β over Β at Β her Β out Β of Β the Β corner Β of Β his Β eye Β as Β she Β presses Β her Β hands Β to Β her Β face, Β brows Β furrowing Β softly. Β wants Β to Β turn Β to Β her, Β take Β her Β hands Β in Β his Β own, Β but Β he Β canβt, Β obviously, Β at Β least Β not Β yet. Β thereβs Β a Β yellow Β light Β up Β ahead, Β however, Β one Β that Β quickly Β fades Β to Β red, Β his Β foot Β pressing Β down Β on Β the Β brake, Β to Β bring Β them Β to Β a Β somewhat Β jerky Β stop. Β βitβs Β fine, Β i Β say Β stupid Β shit Β all Β the Β time,β Β he Β breathes, Β turning Β then Β to Β look Β at Β her, Β almost Β as Β if Β heβs Β daring Β her Β to Β say Β it. Β heβs Β no Β longer Β focusing Β on Β the Β road, Β or Β on Β the Β light Β ahead.Β didnβt Β matter Β if Β it Β changedββ Β he Β wasnβt Β moving Β from Β this Β spot. Β features Β twist Β with Β confusion, Β however, Β at Β her Β words, Β a Β strangled Β breath Β slipping Β past Β his Β lips. Β βyou Β think Β that Β songβs Β about Β jess?β Β the Β denialβs Β written Β plainly Β on Β his Β features, Β unknowingly Β shaking Β his Β head,Β asΒ ifΒ onΒ instinct. Β βno,Β tell Β me Β who Β you Β thought Β it Β was Β about, Β jac.β Β itβs Β spoken Β softly, Β even Β as Β he Β places Β the Β car Β into Β park, Β eyes Β checking Β the Β rearview Β mirror Β to Β assure Β thereβs Β no Β one Β behind Β them. Β βweβre Β not Β moving Β until Β you Β do.β
Β Β Β she Β wanted Β to Β scream;Β stretch Β her Β impossibly Β tensed Β jaw Β until Β it Β creaked Β with Β acheΒ and Β finally Β unleash Β the Β storm Β inside Β of Β her Β chest.Β instead,Β jacΒ focused Β her Β eyes Β on Β the Β dashboard Β directly Β in Β front Β of Β her, Β as Β if Β the Β road Β just Β outside Β the Β windshield Β in Β front Β of Β themΒ was Β too Β much. Β opts Β to Β completely Β ignore Β his Β rebuttals Β about Β ezra. Β grey Β was Β right, Β even Β if Β it Β wasnβt Β really Β the Β point Β that Β jac Β was Β trying Β to Β get Β across, Β she Β knew Β that Β ezra Β had Β never Β really Β done Β anything Β to Β elicit Β his Β support. Β crosses Β her Β arms Β now Β at Β his Β line Β of Β questioning, Β breaking Β her Β fixation Β on Β the Β dashboard Β in Β front Β of Β her. Β βi Β donβt Β care! Β i Β donβt Β care Β that Β you Β were Β on Β a Β date! Β god, Β marry Β her Β tomorrow Β and Β i Β literally Β will Β not Β care,β Β frustration Β in Β her Β voice Β edges Β toward Β anger, Β sick Β of Β forcing Β herself Β to Β lie Β like Β this.Β βfuck!Β iΒ guessΒ iβm Β just Β sad, Β grey. Β i Β didnβt Β know Β that Β knowing Β about Β your Β life Β was Β all Β dependent Β on Β asking Β the Β right Β questions.β Β silently, Β jacβs Β angry Β at Β herself Β for Β biting Β the Β hand Β that Β feeds. Β why Β was Β she Β displaying Β the Β absolute Β worst Β version Β of Β herself Β to Β the Β one Β person Β who Β was Β always Β there?Β tried Β to Β think Β of Β anyone Β other Β than Β grey Β who Β would Β tolerate Β this Β inquisition Β teetering Β toward Β full-fledged Β argument Β while Β still Β having Β her Β best Β intentionsΒ inΒ mind. Β the Β car Β comes Β to Β a Β jarring Β stop Β at Β a Β red Β light, Β jacβsΒ back Β slamming Β against Β the Β awkward Β position Β she Β had Β maneuveredΒ herselfΒ into. Β he Β turns Β to Β look Β at Β her Β and Β jacβsΒ heart Β is Β loud Β in Β her Β ears. Β god, Β toeing Β this Β line Β had Β become Β tiresome. Β in Β fact, Β above Β everything Β else, Β jac Β was Β tired. Β tired Β of Β the Β game Β they Β played, Β both Β miserably Β losing. Β she Β wanted Β to Β tell Β him Β everything; Β how Β he Β has Β saved Β her Β life Β many Β times, Β how Β he Β has Β become Β her Β lighthouse Β of Β sorts, Β how Β this Β feeling Β she Β carries Β for Β him Β breathes Β with Β her Β body Β β Β alive Β like Β itβs Β own Β organism, Β how Β heavy Β her Β journal Β has Β become Β with Β her Β sad Β prose Β in Β a Β distant Β tongue Β that Β is Β nothing Β but Β him. Β his Β face Β manifestsΒ genuine Β confusion, Β causing Β jacβs Β cheeks Β to Β immediately Β redden. Β she Β watches, Β helpless Β as Β he Β pushes Β the Β car Β into Β park, Β swearing Β if Β she Β were Β to Β open Β her Β mouth Β her Β heart Β would Β tumble Β out Β into Β the Β empty Β space Β between Β them. Β his Β eyes Β bore Β into Β hers Β with Β a Β sort Β of Β intensity Β thatβs Β unfamiliar Β and Β jac Β feels Β a Β visceral Β urge Β to Β close Β the Β gap Β between Β them. Β never Β has Β seen Β him Β like Β this Β before. Β so Β resolute, Β taking Β complete Β control. Β the Β blasΓ© Β disposition Β that Β jac Β was Β so Β used Β to Β was Β long Β gone.Β the Β pause Β between Β them Β is Β hard Β to Β endure, Β feeling Β like Β hours.Β whenΒ the Β light Β eventually Β turns Β green,Β her Β peripheral Β notices Β the Β cars Β that Β swerve Β around Β them Β in Β impatience. Β jacΒ swallows Β hard, Β shaking Β her Β head. Β βitβs Β your Β song, Β grey,β Β jac Β moves Β into Β the Β upright Β position, Β trying Β to Β feign Β confidence Β in Β the Β midst Β of Β this Β chaos. Β βi Β want Β you Β to Β tell Β me.β
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